|Just a collection of letters/thoughts with no specific person to send them to.|
The longer I spend on my own the less I want to partake in the lives of others or society in general for that matter. This illness has isolated me and I'm somewhat glad it did, I let it, I welcomed it. Maybe it's because I have always felt this way even surrounded by people, I didn't feel like anyone wanted me but rather what they could take from me.
Now this room that used to feel like a tomb has become comfort and safety so much so that I could probably spend the rest of my days here quite contently because I don't have to fight for my place anymore, not like I did out there.
I go outside to the odd enjoyment a concert or a play but don't mistake that for me interacting with surrounding...
Sometimes my heart feels like it's still splintering over memories and people that are long gone. Things I should desperately be over by now but more specifically over him. I continue to talk about him whenever I can and the tone in which I do so changes with the mood swings day to day. Sometimes I'm hurt, sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I just miss him, as conflicted as that makes me feel to admit. He had his demons and he very much drove me insane with his incessant attempts to break me but I let myself fall irrevocably in love with him so much so that I wonder if I'll ever be fully out of it. I don't want him back because I'm too aware nothing would change, he would just take the opportu...
You left me for dead on the side of the track
You stole my heart now I'm taking it back
And in your reflection of the broken mirror, I came to know
The blood on my hands was from fighting to let go
Bruised knuckles and sliced palms
Yet you wouldn't loosen your grip on my arm
Your fingertips all but coiled into my flesh
As you waited for sins I couldn't confess
The ones you owned yet didn't admit to
So you took penance by leaving my soul black and blue
But you hopelessly failed in your destructive quest
Because my strong heart is back home inside my chest
I've escaped and although it is your marks I still see
I promise, no matter what you did, you never got the best of me
I've always had the issue of sharing too much, of having to say whatever is on my mind and share my story in excruciating detail. I have never been one to hold my cards to my chest. What I've learned though is that having too much or too little amounts of information out there about yourself can hurt you in very different ways. The little snippets can be taken out of context, they can be twisted and manipulated. The wrong part of the story can easily be turned into a nuclear missile that is capable of deconstructing your whole life. While saying too much causes people to know you far too well. They know the map to your heart in full detail, they know where the pain is, they know the slightest...
Music has much more importance than most people give it credit for. It has continually changed and shaped our world, in fact I'd say music and politics go hand in hand. Look at each decade of music and it will always follow the political landscape for that time period. When people are content and happy as a relative whole the music gracing the charts will follow suit but it will also lack soul and it causes everyone to become complacent. When everything is going wrong musicians will step forward and articulate the collective anger, they will create amazing works of art and create an image of the change we all so desperately want. For example; My Chemical Romance came from the tragedy of 9/11 ...
The best way I can describe that year is that it felt like I was being mauled by rabid animals. Their teeth and claws didn't just break the skin, they sunk into every nerve and muscle pulling at and unthreading every fiber of my being. I was surrounded and didn't see a way out, any time I tried to stand and get away I was dragged back along the floor. Only when there was barely a shred of me left did they move on. I had to push myself off the ground, I had to keep moving no matter how slow, I had to get out of there. It didn't matter to me that blood dripped from the flesh that barely hung to the bone. I was determined to survive by any means necessary. So don't you dare say I don't know pain...
The ones who have sworn to protect you are the ones who can hurt you the most. That's the thing about knights in shining armor, the swords they wield don't just slay dragons, they can also destroy the life of an innocent just as easily if the bearer so wishes.
A night out in town
One shot, two shots, ten shots down
A group full of men I had to prove I was worth keeping around
A woman, a buzzkill, I didn't want them to think
No, I'm just one of the guys so hand me another drink
The shots followed by chasers
As we wandered in and out of the different places
I felt sick and my heels made my feet hurt
But I tried to power through and make it work
Eventually I crumbled and could only sit down
So one of the guys offered me a place to stay just somewhere close to town
My judgement impaired I didn't think the idea was the worst
He insisted another drink first
Before I knew it I was in his dorm and in the dark I saw a bed
All I wanted to do was lay dow...
If this is my descent into madness then let the journey begin. I have tried to fit into the outside world time and time again only to feel like a rejected organ from a bad transplant. I have felt more peace surrounded by four walls than I ever felt out there. I found a richer, deeper society bound within the isolation away from the toxicity of social politics. I have finally found people who think like me and being separated by time periods or space no longer makes a difference. I ask nothing of them but their knowledge of enlightenment and kindness. They ask nothing of me but to open my mind and lend an ear. For once I have found people who do not take from my soul instead they are helping t...
All my life people have dug their claws into my skin and tore flesh from the bone.
They left me standing there bleeding out all on my own.
So can you blame me for not looking you in the eye?
Because all I have ever wanted was to live while others wanted me to die
Are you surprised I mumble and fumble my words?
When others have taken what I have said and buried it in the dirt
It has never been my intention to be malicious or cruel
So why am I treated like scum on the sole of a shoe?
I'm just doing my best to carry this trauma on my back
Traveling with empathy and compassion, the things those others lack
I ask as I wander "what did I do to warrant such abuse?"
It's wasted breath becau...
I always believed in treating others how I wanted to be treated
But as I ventured through time that state of mind was consistently defeated
Because while I approached everyone with an outpouring of compassion
The world let me know that way of thinking was no longer in fashion
While they were all smiles they held behind their back another shoe to drop
I was forever on tenterhooks waiting for my time to run out on their clock
So now it genuinely confuses me when someone is kind
It's not something I have experienced without a motive behind
I no longer know how to react to something I once dreamed
I'm waiting for the situation to warp into what it never seemed
I'm trying to relearn how to...
Somewhere between the pain. Between the time I spent on my own. The time I spent rebuilding myself from the ground up. Shifting through the memories of yesterday. Untangling the vines and uprooting the weeds. I stopped being a girl and became a woman. And, if I may add, a pretty amazing one at that.
Years ago I was told I expected too much from people, more than what they can give. I fought against that comment for a long time, I chose not to believe it but the truth is I did expect too much. I had a problem with romanticizing relationships believing each one was a project for me to fix. I didn't take them at face value but rather the potential I saw they could be. Maybe it was wrong thinking we could grow together and I made the mistake of trying to help someone to my level of love. I have worked so hard to unravel that way of thinking and now I do truly accept the person standing in front of me as they are, no expectations. I may not be happy with the way they act or everything they sa...
There's something about me
That wants to fix the ones broken inside
It seems like I'm the only one who can see
The cry for help spilling from their eyes
But I'm starting to learn
Most like feeling that way
No matter how much I show concern
No matter the words I say
And I can't wait around forever
Because when I do their spark dampens
The fire in my soul to all but an ember
I don't know why but it always happens
It's like they are the only ones who can burn
The only ones who can sound the alarm
But I need to have my turn
Because I too have known harm
No one sees my own cries for help
No one cares I'm tearing myself apart
Yeah they're too focused on themselves
So I need to make a brand new ...
I can honestly say with full conviction you have been on my mind every day from the moment I left. The tone of my thoughts change as time passes. In the beginning they were laced with pain, confusion, longing… love. But as the years passed on by anger became the main theme but sometimes it drifts into worry. You see even though I decided I needed to go, even though what you did to me disgusts and infuriates me to no end. I can't help but hope you're doing ok that you're not somewhere hurting or dead, I wouldn't know because I have not heard about you or seen you in so long. I know how reckless you are so the scenarios that run through my head aren't far fetched. I also know what people would ...
It took years to get clarity in my head
But I should have had it when I heard you in her bed
Or with the hurtful things you said
I could hear the sound of deception in every breath
I made excuses, I feigned being blind
Because you were fucking with my mind
Now all I can say is that I left you behind
So don't look at me like you're hurt 'cause you never even tried
My body weakened and eventually broke
I sat there choking on the lump in my throat
I couldn't see the mirrors for the smoke
From the fire you set and couldn't help but stoke
Prince charming quickly turned to ash
But what did I expect from loving a psychopath?
A change so sudden I suffered whiplash
You left me in the wreckage cle...
I don't know why everyone hates me
I tried so hard and I'm left lonely
They all walk around pretending I'm dead
Now this world is one that fills me with dread
I can't help but feel so sick and tired
Like I'm outdated and uninspired
A chance to live would be enough
But I feel like this life is much too tough
This wasn't how it was supposed to be at 24
I feel much too old and far too worn
They think their lives are worth more than mine
So they taxed my breath and made me pay a fine
For every beat of my heart was theirs to own
They drained my blood and left me alone
It was my price to pay, my burden to bear
But now I can't trust anyone out there
Locked away I view it all with disdai...
Read into my poems and monologues you may understand me
Because they serve as a fucked up version of a diary
Everything I have wanted to say but with no one to tell
Are you ready to step inside my twisted mind and into hell?
My personal darkness all laid out to review
All these things you have wanted to know are right in front of you
There are no cryptic codes or puzzles to unlock what you seek
Go ahead and open the book, come on take a peek
It's right there, plain as day and all what is written true
It's all there for the taking, the pleasure and pain, it's yours to view
But I do warn do not continue on if you do not wish to know
How my life has been spent battling friends who turned ou...
All my life I have been rushing. Rushing to be older, rushing to get to some place, rushing through emotions. I have always wanted to get to the happy ending where everything fell into place and all loose ends were tied up. I wished the pain of my life away to get somewhere that was good and calm. I drove through my life and career goals like a steamroller only to burn myself out. I wanted the comfort of a long term relationship within a few months. All I was doing was trying to get to the end of the book so I could close it with a satisfied smile. But isn't that everyone's problem? We're all looking to get to a point we deem acceptable. We don't take the time for the tension to build, to mak...
No one ever wanted to know what made me tick
The things I could stand or the things that made me sick
No one wanted to hear my time spent at war
When I would sit broken behind a locked door
No one wanted to see my face whether it be a smile or frown
Instead they pushed me under the waves hoping I would drown
No one wanted to feel the impressions left on my skin
From the daggers in my back that others had sunk in
No one wanted to care that I was fighting heart in hand
They couldn't even begin to try and understand
No one watched as I retreated and walked away
Even if they did, they wouldn't have a word to say
No one is here now, I don't miss them because they quietly let me fall
And how can...
I remember at 19 I was bright eyed, determined and my soul was one of beauty. By 21 I had experienced so much malice that I was broken, all the light had left and I was a crumpled up mess on the floor. It took 2 years to take away what I had fought so hard to keep. I had a moment where I looked at who I was then from the point of view of who I am now at 24. I stared into her eyes, they were so unburdened and clueless, she had no idea what was coming for us. My gaze bore into her with so much sorrow laced with apologies. She gave me a soft smile and a nod, silently telling me it was okay. I took my cue to leave, keeping my eyes on her as I backed away. I had to let her go because she didn't be...
I feel as if I am stuck as a certain version of myself in a lot of people's mind, the drunk party girl that clambered to be loved no matter the cost because she was afraid to be alone, the trainwreck of a person that would cry too much and be a little too honest. I'm not her anymore, I don't even recognize her at all. I was younger, a child, naive, I believed this world was a magical place and that being open, kind and caring I would find people who were the same. I was brought to my knees so many times by villians that my faith cracked a little more and a little more until it was in pieces in front of me, my sanity along with it. Over the past years I have worked tirelessly to put everything...
"I want to go home" is a phrase that has occupied my mind since I was a child. Even when I was quite content sitting in my living room the phrase would repeat on a loop and I'd feel a compulsive need to verbalize it but I would refrain. I am now realizing as I get older home doesn't mean where you live but more where your spirit belongs. A different time period, place or planet? Who knows what my soul has yearned for my whole life because I have tried to figure it out but have been stumped at every turn. I tried to find my home in others which satisfied me for a short while but when they decided to close the doors and change the locks it left me out in the cold longing to be let back inside. ...
Don't call it a comeback, I never went away. I've still been writing... A lot, but I haven't put anything up on here for a while. New pieces will be posted when I can get to it. Although I won't be able to reply to a lot of personal letters or many comments as I am pretty sick, I will be reading responses though and every single one means the world to me. Thank you for sticking with me and continuing to read what I have to say.
Who I used to be feels so separate from who I am now… the past me is pretty much a separate being all on her own. I think about her curled up in some awful guy’s bed trying so desperately to be loved that she tears at her own heart. She's hurt but trying to sew the wounds of others before her own. She’s so deeply lost that she’d do anything to pull herself back to earth even if that means constantly putting herself last. Emotions so raw screaming at the world to take notice, for anyone to see her but she's invisible to all but me, I see her. I’m angry at her mistreatment, I'm saddened by the numbness of her soul and I'm here to protect her, to be who she always needed. I am all she will eve...
We are all a product of the environment we are in. If you are within poison your mind becomes poison. Your thoughts will weaken your body, you will make mistakes for you can not see through the thick smoke clouding all around you. No one has the right to blame you for what you did while trying to survive in such a toxic place. Finding a way out and shedding your chains will be the hardest thing you shall do and more often than not you will do it alone. You will be chastised for making it through and many hands will try to pull you back. But when you take in the oxygen on the other side you will start to breathe easier with each passing day and you will gain the strength so many wish they had...
Being single is all but an ache in my chest. But what alternative am I given? When each relationship I have been in has took too much, broke too much… hurt too much. I’m only just beginning to become half full after being empty for so long but god do I miss the feeling of arms around me and rolling over in my sleep and not feeling alone. I miss my own naivety I had on romance now that I know the cold hard truth. But even so if my stretched out fairytale came to life, who would choose someone like me? Who would appreciate the dark circles under my eyes that hang like medals earned by partaking in the war on love? Who would listen to my deepest thoughts unraveling from my lips? Who wouldn't tak...
Christmas is a hard time of year for me. It’s the time you’d be in the kitchen cooking dinner. It’s the time we’d play board games as a family. But the past five years there has been a missing piece in the holiday, a space that will never be filled and I wish I would’ve held you tighter the last time you said goodbye. I wish I would’ve told you how much you made a difference in my life and that I would never have taken off the bracelet you gave me. If I would’ve known it was the last time it would’ve all been different and maybe somehow you’d still be here. Your soul was warmth and joy, everything this holiday aspires to be. It is hard to know you’re not out there in the world because you ha...