|Just a collection of letters/thoughts with no specific person to send them to.|
I always believed in treating others how I wanted to be treated
But as I ventured through time that state of mind was consistently defeated
Because while I approached everyone with an outpouring of compassion
The world let me know that way of thinking was no longer in fashion
While they were all smiles they held behind their back another shoe to drop
I was forever on tenterhooks waiting for my time to run out on their clock
So now it genuinely confuses me when someone is kind
It's not something I have experienced without a motive behind
I no longer know how to react to something I once dreamed
I'm waiting for the situation to warp into what it never seemed
I'm trying to relearn how to...
Somewhere between the pain. Between the time I spent on my own. The time I spent rebuilding myself from the ground up. Shifting through the memories of yesterday. Untangling the vines and uprooting the weeds. I stopped being a girl and became a woman. And, if I may add, a pretty amazing one at that.
Years ago I was told I expected too much from people, more than what they can give. I fought against that comment for a long time, I chose not to believe it but the truth is I did expect too much. I had a problem with romanticizing relationships believing each one was a project for me to fix. I didn't take them at face value but rather the potential I saw they could be. Maybe it was wrong thinking we could grow together and I made the mistake of trying to help someone to my level of love. I have worked so hard to unravel that way of thinking and now I do truly accept the person standing in front of me as they are, no expectations. I may not be happy with the way they act or everything they sa...
There's something about me
That wants to fix the ones broken inside
It seems like I'm the only one who can see
The cry for help spilling from their eyes
But I'm starting to learn
Most like feeling that way
No matter how much I show concern
No matter the words I say
And I can't wait around forever
Because when I do their spark dampens
The fire in my soul to all but an ember
I don't know why but it always happens
It's like they are the only ones who can burn
The only ones who can sound the alarm
But I need to have my turn
Because I too have known harm
No one sees my own cries for help
No one cares I'm tearing myself apart
Yeah they're too focused on themselves
So I need to make a brand new ...
I can honestly say with full conviction you have been on my mind every day from the moment I left. The tone of my thoughts change as time passes. In the beginning they were laced with pain, confusion, longing… love. But as the years passed on by anger became the main theme but sometimes it drifts into worry. You see even though I decided I needed to go, even though what you did to me disgusts and infuriates me to no end. I can't help but hope you're doing ok that you're not somewhere hurting or dead, I wouldn't know because I have not heard about you or seen you in so long. I know how reckless you are so the scenarios that run through my head aren't far fetched. I also know what people would ...
It took years to get clarity in my head
But I should have had it when I heard you in her bed
Or with the hurtful things you said
I could hear the sound of deception in every breath
I made excuses, I feigned being blind
Because you were fucking with my mind
Now all I can say is that I left you behind
So don't look at me like you're hurt 'cause you never even tried
My body weakened and eventually broke
I sat there choking on the lump in my throat
I couldn't see the mirrors for the smoke
From the fire you set and couldn't help but stoke
Prince charming quickly turned to ash
But what did I expect from loving a psychopath?
A change so sudden I suffered whiplash
You left me in the wreckage cle...
I don't know why everyone hates me
I tried so hard and I'm left lonely
They all walk around pretending I'm dead
Now this world is one that fills me with dread
I can't help but feel so sick and tired
Like I'm outdated and uninspired
A chance to live would be enough
But I feel like this life is much too tough
This wasn't how it was supposed to be at 24
I feel much too old and far too worn
They think their lives are worth more than mine
So they taxed my breath and made me pay a fine
For every beat of my heart was theirs to own
They drained my blood and left me alone
It was my price to pay, my burden to bear
But now I can't trust anyone out there
Locked away I view it all with disdai...
Read into my poems and monologues you may understand me
Because they serve as a fucked up version of a diary
Everything I have wanted to say but with no one to tell
Are you ready to step inside my twisted mind and into hell?
My personal darkness all laid out to review
All these things you have wanted to know are right in front of you
There are no cryptic codes or puzzles to unlock what you seek
Go ahead and open the book, come on take a peek
It's right there, plain as day and all what is written true
It's all there for the taking, the pleasure and pain, it's yours to view
But I do warn do not continue on if you do not wish to know
How my life has been spent battling friends who turned ou...
All my life I have been rushing. Rushing to be older, rushing to get to some place, rushing through emotions. I have always wanted to get to the happy ending where everything fell into place and all loose ends were tied up. I wished the pain of my life away to get somewhere that was good and calm. I drove through my life and career goals like a steamroller only to burn myself out. I wanted the comfort of a long term relationship within a few months. All I was doing was trying to get to the end of the book so I could close it with a satisfied smile. But isn't that everyone's problem? We're all looking to get to a point we deem acceptable. We don't take the time for the tension to build, to mak...
No one ever wanted to know what made me tick
The things I could stand or the things that made me sick
No one wanted to hear my time spent at war
When I would sit broken behind a locked door
No one wanted to see my face whether it be a smile or frown
Instead they pushed me under the waves hoping I would drown
No one wanted to feel the impressions left on my skin
From the daggers in my back that others had sunk in
No one wanted to care that I was fighting heart in hand
They couldn't even begin to try and understand
No one watched as I retreated and walked away
Even if they did, they wouldn't have a word to say
No one is here now, I don't miss them because they quietly let me fall
And how can...
I remember at 19 I was bright eyed, determined and my soul was one of beauty. By 21 I had experienced so much malice that I was broken, all the light had left and I was a crumpled up mess on the floor. It took 2 years to take away what I had fought so hard to keep. I had a moment where I looked at who I was then from the point of view of who I am now at 24. I stared into her eyes, they were so unburdened and clueless, she had no idea what was coming for us. My gaze bore into her with so much sorrow laced with apologies. She gave me a soft smile and a nod, silently telling me it was okay. I took my cue to leave, keeping my eyes on her as I backed away. I had to let her go because she didn't be...
I feel as if I am stuck as a certain version of myself in a lot of people's mind, the drunk party girl that clambered to be loved no matter the cost because she was afraid to be alone, the trainwreck of a person that would cry too much and be a little too honest. I'm not her anymore, I don't even recognize her at all. I was younger, a child, naive, I believed this world was a magical place and that being open, kind and caring I would find people who were the same. I was brought to my knees so many times by villians that my faith cracked a little more and a little more until it was in pieces in front of me, my sanity along with it. Over the past years I have worked tirelessly to put everything...
"I want to go home" is a phrase that has occupied my mind since I was a child. Even when I was quite content sitting in my living room the phrase would repeat on a loop and I'd feel a compulsive need to verbalize it but I would refrain. I am now realizing as I get older home doesn't mean where you live but more where your spirit belongs. A different time period, place or planet? Who knows what my soul has yearned for my whole life because I have tried to figure it out but have been stumped at every turn. I tried to find my home in others which satisfied me for a short while but when they decided to close the doors and change the locks it left me out in the cold longing to be let back inside. ...
Don't call it a comeback, I never went away. I've still been writing... A lot, but I haven't put anything up on here for a while. New pieces will be posted when I can get to it. Although I won't be able to reply to a lot of personal letters or many comments as I am pretty sick, I will be reading responses though and every single one means the world to me. Thank you for sticking with me and continuing to read what I have to say.
Who I used to be feels so separate from who I am now… the past me is pretty much a separate being all on her own. I think about her curled up in some awful guy’s bed trying so desperately to be loved that she tears at her own heart. She's hurt but trying to sew the wounds of others before her own. She’s so deeply lost that she’d do anything to pull herself back to earth even if that means constantly putting herself last. Emotions so raw screaming at the world to take notice, for anyone to see her but she's invisible to all but me, I see her. I’m angry at her mistreatment, I'm saddened by the numbness of her soul and I'm here to protect her, to be who she always needed. I am all she will eve...
We are all a product of the environment we are in. If you are within poison your mind becomes poison. Your thoughts will weaken your body, you will make mistakes for you can not see through the thick smoke clouding all around you. No one has the right to blame you for what you did while trying to survive in such a toxic place. Finding a way out and shedding your chains will be the hardest thing you shall do and more often than not you will do it alone. You will be chastised for making it through and many hands will try to pull you back. But when you take in the oxygen on the other side you will start to breathe easier with each passing day and you will gain the strength so many wish they had...
Being single is all but an ache in my chest. But what alternative am I given? When each relationship I have been in has took too much, broke too much… hurt too much. I’m only just beginning to become half full after being empty for so long but god do I miss the feeling of arms around me and rolling over in my sleep and not feeling alone. I miss my own naivety I had on romance now that I know the cold hard truth. But even so if my stretched out fairytale came to life, who would choose someone like me? Who would appreciate the dark circles under my eyes that hang like medals earned by partaking in the war on love? Who would listen to my deepest thoughts unraveling from my lips? Who wouldn't tak...
Christmas is a hard time of year for me. It’s the time you’d be in the kitchen cooking dinner. It’s the time we’d play board games as a family. But the past five years there has been a missing piece in the holiday, a space that will never be filled and I wish I would’ve held you tighter the last time you said goodbye. I wish I would’ve told you how much you made a difference in my life and that I would never have taken off the bracelet you gave me. If I would’ve known it was the last time it would’ve all been different and maybe somehow you’d still be here. Your soul was warmth and joy, everything this holiday aspires to be. It is hard to know you’re not out there in the world because you ha...
Why do people tell us we are too emotional or too sensitive as if it’s a bad thing? Because as far as I see it nothing could be bad about something that plants your roots firmly into the earth and allows branches to grow bringing in every piece of depth, understanding and passion. We should protect these souls for they are the best of humanity but are often treated as the worst.
My ex once said to me “attention or affection, whichever one comes first for you.”
He meant it as a way to shut me up or put me in my place.
But I never craved attention as acknowledgement was more my taste and the flavours of both drastically different from each other.
Attention is superficial, only the equivalent of a sugar rush quick, easy and sweet while it lasts.
Acknowledgement on the other hand is bland, hard to chew and requires work but has longer satisfaction.
So I have always thrown my energy, time and effort into every thread that made up the tapestry of my life but no one glanced at the finished product instead they averted their eyes as they let their fingernails tear thro...
Friendship, like gold dust, is rare to find
But in its eternal quest I bind
I look for one to talk to and make smile
I look for one who won’t leave after a while
But others let me down and disappoint
They leave me feeling out of joint
In a society more upset about losing a phone than a friend
Societal manners lay at their end
I actually love being single. My favourite tv shows can play one after the other without interruption, I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can speak honestly to the silence, I don’t have to wait for an argument to rise in the night and my mind is no longer clay to be manipulated by the hands of another.
But sometimes the world clouds in around me and rain falls from my eyes, sometimes the silence speaks back to me with harsh contempt. Sometimes I think of the men who have broken my heart, sometimes I place rose tinted glass on my rear view mirror and wonder if they were really to blame. Sometimes I pick myself apart and look to the empty side of my bed to realise there is no one to stitch ...
And all the people you once knew slowly fade out of the pictures taken in your favourite bar or club until one day a new generation steps into the shoes you and your friends filled. You are now too old for partying, drinking and being ‘social,’ it’s someone else’s turn. Yeah you get nostalgic over those times as you lose the people you thought you would start and end every night with, but if you’re honest with yourself you wouldn’t ask for it back because that was the time to be lost and this is, right now, the time to be found.
I have recently been cleaning out the closet I call my life. I have removed the clutter and sharp edges that have once cut me. ‘Friends’ who have hurt more than helped were not salvaged.
‘Bad relationships’ were the next to go as I learned plastic didn’t equal gold and thus no value was held by clinging onto the scraps. But at the back of the closet pushed into the corner was a huge box marked ‘dad.’ Much like holiday decorations it was in use once or twice a year. It’s a box I have saw no function for but was obliged to keep. It was the first box I owned and it allowed me to start a collection that would one day topple over and crush me under the weight. Now as I dig my way out piece by pi...
Backed into a corner she saw no way out as the creature crept towards her. Her greatest fear, always thought about but never an escape plan formed. She placed blame on herself and wished she had listened to the warnings of walking alone in the forest at night but it was all for nought now. She fell backwards over an upturned tree root. Her eyes held together tightly waiting for it to make its first swipe. Instead she heard a swish and a groan before feeling a thud beside her.
“You can open your eyes now.” She first saw a hand stretched out, waiting to help her up. She followed the arm all the way to a handsome face. She slowly placed her hand in his, without a word s...
She closed her eyes and felt him move closer.
“Please don’t make this harder than it already is” she begged.
He guided her hand and placed it on his heart.
“I promise to be home by Christmas.”
She stood quietly feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath, she didn’t dare let herself steal a glance but instead allowed a tear to escape rolling down her cheek.
Her peaceful darkness was soon interrupted by the commotion on the train platform; a loud voice cut through the crowd.
“Soldiers time to go!”
He placed a hand on her cheek “Please look at me, I need to see your eyes one last time”
#hidden word challenge
The Beatles infamously told us ‘all you need is love, love is all you need.’ I could say I agree but not in the traditional sense of romantic love. Self love and a love for life is the only way to keep breathing and to trudge through the darkest days you are going to experience. Self love is the key to life but we aren’t told it can exist without being selfish. Standing up for yourself and ultimately your well being will usually result in people taking offence and leaves you feeling bad for doing so. Imagine a world where self love was not only accepted but encouraged. What if our self value increased and spilled over into kindness towards others? What if it could fi...
You do not owe an explanation why you are no longer talking to someone. You are not obligated to make an effort when it isn’t reciprocated. You are not something someone can put on a shelf to be picked up and put down at their leisure. Quite frankly you deserve to be treated like a human being. If you do not get respect you do not have to give it freely. It seems like nowadays we humanise objects and treat people with a throwaway mentality and I’m sick of it to the point I refuse to be a part of it any longer.