|if you have a thought that makes you stop and think more than usual, write it down|
I just thought back to our beginning.
The excitement, the nerves, the enjoyment. And I realized something. All of that is still there. The excitement I get when you smile at me, and pull me in for a hug.
The nerves when I want to do something different and I'm not sure how you'll take it (it's always good). The enjoyment I get out of just being with you. This truly is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I could not be happier. I dont know how I would have survived these past few nights without you laying next to me. I love you, baby.
I'm not staring at you.
I'm memorizing the way your face looks
When you watch videos.
The way you smile while you laugh
Right before you get nicotine
They way you laugh when we joke
Right before moving in to hug me
The way you play with you mustache when you dont think anyone is watching
I'm not staring at you.
I'm falling more and more in love with you.
Give me everything you are.
All that makes you who you are
Bring me your worries and
Everything you fear,
I hope you know what you mean to me
Leaving me speechless, and
Otherwise breathless, Often
Varying between sad and lonely
Everytime you walk out my door.
Yesterday is gone, as is
Often the case, so
Until I see you again,
Gabe, I love you.
I cannot believe I am writing this right now. I'm your girlfriend now. I didn't think this would happen so soon. It's still surreal to me. You decided, finally, that I was worth the risk and that you loved me enough to make it official. It's been 2 days. I'm sitting here looking at your guitar that you left here. The whiskey next to my bed. The pillows how we left them this morning when we woke up. You've been a letter in my alphabet since march, and now here we are. I went from not knowing where we'd go to not knowing what to do when you're not around. I love you, G. I'm so happy to be your girlfriend.
Reaching across blankets
to find an empty bed
That feels to big
Without you in it
Some nights I'm
Getting drunk on
Your whiskey flavored kisses
And other nights I'm
Dreaming about being
Wrapped in your arms
I miss you today.
Your arms making me feel safe.
Your voice reassuring me.
I miss you today.
The light you bring to me
And the way you make me forget.
I miss you today.
I'm scared and alone
And I hear your voice in my head
"You're okay. I got you"
I love you today.
All that's on my mind is what we talked about last night. That's it. I couldn't focus on anything else. Maybe she was right. Maybe I am still hopeful that one day you'll mean it when you say "new boyfriend" in the morning. Maybe one day you will. Maybe one day we can have a full meaningful conversation while we're sober.
Anyway, I miss you already. I hope you're having a nice relaxing night.
Remember what we said,
Hey G. It's been a while.
When I heard your voice today I thought I was daydreaming. It couldn't possibly you. I'm just being hopeful. Then I walked in. There you are. Sitting just like you do. Vape in hand, one leg crossed over the other. Crazy socks and all. Your hair is shorter. It looks good, it's just different. I like it. You don't have that jacket on. Your arms are showing. God, I missed you. I didn't realize how much i missed you until I saw you. I thought it was my brain tricking me before. Just dreaming about you because you were familiar. But there you were. I'm just going to keep thinking it's not going to be a big deal. It's not going to be what it was. I just need to know that...
I had a dream about you last night. Things were normal for a while, and then they weren't there we were, sitting together on the couch, and we were us again. Not "us" in the terms of you were you and I was me, but "us" as in we were together again. Something we havent been in 5 years. I've always said there would be a place for you in my heart forever. I guess I just didn't realize how much of my heart you still occupied.
I often dream of far off places,
Where trains take you into books and books take you on trains, and where imagination is everything
I wish I would have made every memory into a photo
Every dream into a movie
And every kiss into a poem
If only for the chance to hold on a little longer
Water hits my face
Wind tangles my hair in its grasp
I smile, letting the worries of the winter
fall away in the warm embrace of the summer
It’s the little things really.
Just hearing you talk is so interesting to me.
Even if the topic isn’t interesting to me.
I like seeing the things you’ve done in the past that you’re proud of.
Seeing you happy is important to me.
I missed your smile and your kisses and the subtle touches.
Hell, I even missed your jokes.
“Keep your hands to yourself, succubus” was pretty good.
You’re on my mind heavy.
Probably since I dreamt about you but that’s beside the point.
I seriously like you.
I want nothing to do with anyone else.
I was serious last night.
I am monogamous.
I don’t share well, and I never have.
I get STUPID jealous.
Well, here we are. You are officially a letter in the alphabet that creates my story. Missing you like crazy is almost natural. I can't do this right now. I can't love you. I can't think of you all the time. I can't do this. I'm not ready. But here I am. Missing you. Hating the silence. Hating that I can't call you mine.
When we're together it's great. When we're not, its not. I just hope I didn't get my hopes up about you.
Goodnight, G. Hope it's a good one.
I dont hate you
I hate how you made sunsets sit in my throat, waiting to climb out and scream all night
I hate how you made silence feel like pain,
And the outdoors feel like hell
I hate how you made the shell of who I am a little thinker than before, closed off to everyone after you.
You made comfort something to fear, and trust nonexistent
I hate that.
I dont hate you, I forgive you. I wont forget about it, and I wont come back like nothing happened. But I forgive you, not for your peace of mind, but for mine.
I dont hate you.
I hate who you made me become.
You know those nights where you're not quite asleep, but youre dreaming?
They can be anything, really.
Driving a car, swimming, walking at the beach.
But then, suddenly, you're crashing the car.
The waves swallow you whole.
And you're awake again.
Why cant that dream be the same.
Why cant I see your face and force myself to wake up?
Tell myself it's just a dream.
Tell myself you're gone.
I try to do all of that when I wake up,
But it doesnt seem to slow my breathing
Or stop my crying
Or help me fall back asleep.
Because I crashed the car,
But instead of waking up,
I let the crash mangle me
The path to anxious.
I'm starting to remember a little more where a lot of my anxiety came from.
Being told I was being too loud while I was young and playing.
Being told I need to think of others feelings about my own feelings.
Being told not to touch someone unless they tell me how and where.
Being told, during the most intimate time in a teenage girls life, that what I wanted didn't matter. Being manipulated into thinking someone truly loved me. Being told I was boring.
So, I bottle it all up. I can't bring myself to tall about it with anyone important to me. During this conversation in my surroundings right now, I'm realizing so much that I still have a long way to go before I...
I hear your voice when I fall asleep at night. I hear the steady beat of your bass, you strumming along and suddenly switching into something else. I hear your acoustic guitar. I smell your cologne. I see you. I listen to this album and I think of you. I don't know why. You didn't show it to me or anything. G, I dream of you and it feels like you're really holding me, but then I wake up alone and I'm crushed. I have no right thinking about you as much as I do. Getting jealous thinking of you talking to someone else. We're practically nothing. I know a lot of the anxiety is in my head, but does that mean it's not real? Do I have nothing to worry about? Am I justified in thinking I have no chan...
MY NEWEST EMBRACE
This house is breathing
moving with the motions of the inhabitants.
Fruit fills my lungs,
and guitar strings tie around my heart.
It's only been a short time,
but I can't get the fruit and the music,
the breath of these walls,
out of me.
It's part of me now,
my newest embrace.
believing my time will come
silently hoping you will come back
you'll be home, into my arms where you belong
and I'll be happy for the first time since
you left me the very first day
Birthday poem, 10/16/1997
I tried to stay awake as late as possible. I wanted more time just lying there next to you, looking into your eyes. It's odd, if I'm being honest, that we spend so much time together right now and we still don't know the little details about each other. I know a little bit about your childhood, and the meaning behind one of your tattoos - probably the most meaningful tattoo in such a small form I have ever seen. I don't know how I really feel about you quite yet. I know you've read a little bit of my most vulnerable writing. You've shown me the music you've written. You have changed what I think of when I hear a certain song. You continually tell me I am beautiful, I am great, and that you do...
When I started dating you I thought I would never be able to move past it if we broke up. And now, here I am writimg what I'm hoping is the last letter to you. I made it. I won.
My name is Alexandria. I am 21 years old, I am from Beaumont, and here are a few of my favorite things:
Book maximum ride (series)
Sport baseball and soccer
TV Show Dark Angel or Gilmore Girls
Movie 10 Things I Hate About You
Color green, but only because black isnt a color
Song/Album This Song Saved My Life by Simple Plan
if these four walls could talk
theyd sing along with the mutterings of
a focused homework do-er.
if these sheets could breathe
they would struggle for air from
being sat on and covered with books
but if this laptop could run,
it would run far, far away
into the wild imagination of my mind
"I miss you, too" he whispered, almost out of no where. She could feel his warm hand through her shirt, almost feeling the roughness of the hard work. She just stayed still, pretending to be asleep. She didn't know how to respond. She hadn't said she missed him any time recently, unless he was reading over her shoulder. "We can just lay here. This is what you need isn't it?" He held her in a way she hadn't been held in a long time.
"Yes," she said shaking.
"I got you, baby. You're okay." They laid still, her fighting sleep and him trying to let her lose the fight. She let herself think, reminding herself it was a terrible idea to get close, thinking his name over and over. Trying ...
I can't stand that its been eight months now, but I still dream about running into you. I went to sleep last night thinking about nothing and woke up hating that I even went to sleep. I do miss you sometimes, but I really don't know why. Why do you have such a hold on my life? Why do I want to text you and see what you're doing? I still smile when I listen to songs that make me think about you, and I still know exactly what your voice sounds like. What the calluses on your hands feel like. I still think about that laugh. The one through your teeth that used to make the happier than anything. But now, here I am writing you another letter that you'll never read and thinking ...
The day i stop religiously checking your social media pages is the day i am truly free
Winter came faster than expected. She wasnt prepared. She shivered uncontrollable, as she walked past the group of uniformed men and their hot lattes , trying not to draw attention to herself. They stopped talking amongst themselves to turn to the sudden noise of the shivering girl walking quickly past them.
"You should probably get home. Curfew soon." The way he said it kept a calm air between the man who spoke and the girl trying to get home, but also left a linfering sense of authority.
"Yes, sir, I'm going now," she spoke politely, without stopping. Its been different since the curfew was implemented last year. No warnings were given, just automatic convictions for breaking curfew....