|if you have a thought that makes you stop and think more than usual, write it down|
It's been a while since I wrote to you instead of about you. But you're the only thing on my mind right now. I close my eyes and all I see is your face. I listen to music and all I want to hear is your voice. This crazy time has me missing you a shit ton. But you and I have gotten through worse. Also, happy belated six months. These past six months I've never been fundamentally happier. Sure, I still had bad days with depression and everything, but you were there for me. You are there for me. Even if you can't be right here next to me.
This quarantine thing makes me miss you even more, babe. So much so that I can't think of what to write about right now.
These thoughts burn through me like a flame on paper.
"Does he still love me?"
"Am I a burden?"
"Would the world be a better place without me?"
"I hate making my family worry. So I've been holding it in. I've been forcing myself to do things even when I'm so mentally exhausted that all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I know I need to get help. But when do I have the time? Does it ever make itself apparent? I have rent to pay each month and a phone bill and I need to eat, so I need to go to work. I need to be in school until I graduate or else I'll feel like a failure, which is like kindling to the fire of depression."
On a happier note, I've been liking how I look more often. I'm lo...
This is an open invitation into my thoughts;
An open house into my dreamland
Beware of cobwebs and the scary pictures,
Tiptoe carefully past the slippery floors,
an obvious obstacle of an island of a
Ignore the cries for help
And the terrifying thoughts
Just enjoy your stay
Before my dreamland is closed for good
Only cobwebs and scary pictures to
remember me by
But promise me one thing:
Take note of each ugly sight.
Change them in yourself
Write down every bloody puddle
And each bruise on the walls
Remember the fake faces
All the hidden tears
Are you happy now?
I haven't been in the headspace to write lately. I just don't want the dark thoughts documented anymore. But they are all consuming. Therefore, no writing. I'm taking a break from writing for a while.
I just want to start feeling okay again. I feel alone in my thoughts. However, I knw I'm not. That's what sucks about being aware thatit's just my mental illness and still falling into its traps. I let the depression grip my brain and I'm struggling to buy it back. If only it would barter, make me a deal. I could let it have my unconscious, I could remain in control of my waking hours. I could let it control only sometimes, never on it's terms.
I say these things, but I know that won't work. I know I won't be in control of my own brain until I findthe right medication and coping mechanisms. I know this depression will continue to be a huge part of my life - even aafter I can control it. I k...
I woke up with the world in my arms,
And rivers flowing from planets into space.
I am the sun, waiting patiently,
But he, the world, was asleep
And I would hold him as long as he wanted.
I drifted into a place of unknown possibilities
A place where love blossoms
But fears magnify
As I drifted I noticed something missing.
You were gone. No longer mine
But when i turned to run away something grabbed me
It was me. Telling myself to stay.
"Learn to love the loneliness" I said to me.
I slowed. I turned and looked. Carnations all over, laughter spreading all around.
But you were still gone. So I pulled my arm away from the other me
And woke up next to you
I want to stop wondering if you're going to be coming over. by that, I don't mean I need more communication. I mean I want this to be where you come home to. I want to share a bed and wake up next to you every morning. I am so completely in love with you. I have no memory of feeling like this with anyone else. I miss you, and I just saw you this morning.
goodnight, baby. I hope you're sleeping well.
I just thought back to our beginning.
The excitement, the nerves, the enjoyment. And I realized something. All of that is still there. The excitement I get when you smile at me, and pull me in for a hug.
The nerves when I want to do something different and I'm not sure how you'll take it (it's always good). The enjoyment I get out of just being with you. This truly is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I could not be happier. I dont know how I would have survived these past few nights without you laying next to me. I love you, baby.
I'm not staring at you.
I'm memorizing the way your face looks
When you watch videos.
The way you smile while you laugh
Right before you get nicotine
They way you laugh when we joke
Right before moving in to hug me
The way you play with you mustache when you dont think anyone is watching
I'm not staring at you.
I'm falling more and more in love with you.
Give me everything you are.
All that makes you who you are
Bring me your worries and
Everything you fear,
I hope you know what you mean to me
Leaving me speechless, and
Otherwise breathless, Often
Varying between sad and lonely
Everytime you walk out my door.
Yesterday is gone, as is
Often the case, so
Until I see you again,
Gabe, I love you.
I cannot believe I am writing this right now. I'm your girlfriend now. I didn't think this would happen so soon. It's still surreal to me. You decided, finally, that I was worth the risk and that you loved me enough to make it official. It's been 2 days. I'm sitting here looking at your guitar that you left here. The whiskey next to my bed. The pillows how we left them this morning when we woke up. You've been a letter in my alphabet since march, and now here we are. I went from not knowing where we'd go to not knowing what to do when you're not around. I love you, G. I'm so happy to be your girlfriend.
Reaching across blankets
to find an empty bed
That feels to big
Without you in it
Some nights I'm
Getting drunk on
Your whiskey flavored kisses
And other nights I'm
Dreaming about being
Wrapped in your arms
I miss you today.
Your arms making me feel safe.
Your voice reassuring me.
I miss you today.
The light you bring to me
And the way you make me forget.
I miss you today.
I'm scared and alone
And I hear your voice in my head
"You're okay. I got you"
I love you today.
All that's on my mind is what we talked about last night. That's it. I couldn't focus on anything else. Maybe she was right. Maybe I am still hopeful that one day you'll mean it when you say "new boyfriend" in the morning. Maybe one day you will. Maybe one day we can have a full meaningful conversation while we're sober.
Anyway, I miss you already. I hope you're having a nice relaxing night.
Remember what we said,
Hey G. It's been a while.
When I heard your voice today I thought I was daydreaming. It couldn't possibly you. I'm just being hopeful. Then I walked in. There you are. Sitting just like you do. Vape in hand, one leg crossed over the other. Crazy socks and all. Your hair is shorter. It looks good, it's just different. I like it. You don't have that jacket on. Your arms are showing. God, I missed you. I didn't realize how much i missed you until I saw you. I thought it was my brain tricking me before. Just dreaming about you because you were familiar. But there you were. I'm just going to keep thinking it's not going to be a big deal. It's not going to be what it was. I just need to know that...
I had a dream about you last night. Things were normal for a while, and then they weren't there we were, sitting together on the couch, and we were us again. Not "us" in the terms of you were you and I was me, but "us" as in we were together again. Something we havent been in 5 years. I've always said there would be a place for you in my heart forever. I guess I just didn't realize how much of my heart you still occupied.
I often dream of far off places,
Where trains take you into books and books take you on trains, and where imagination is everything
I wish I would have made every memory into a photo
Every dream into a movie
And every kiss into a poem
If only for the chance to hold on a little longer
Water hits my face
Wind tangles my hair in its grasp
I smile, letting the worries of the winter
fall away in the warm embrace of the summer
It’s the little things really.
Just hearing you talk is so interesting to me.
Even if the topic isn’t interesting to me.
I like seeing the things you’ve done in the past that you’re proud of.
Seeing you happy is important to me.
I missed your smile and your kisses and the subtle touches.
Hell, I even missed your jokes.
“Keep your hands to yourself, succubus” was pretty good.
You’re on my mind heavy.
Probably since I dreamt about you but that’s beside the point.
I seriously like you.
I want nothing to do with anyone else.
I was serious last night.
I am monogamous.
I don’t share well, and I never have.
I get STUPID jealous.
Well, here we are. You are officially a letter in the alphabet that creates my story. Missing you like crazy is almost natural. I can't do this right now. I can't love you. I can't think of you all the time. I can't do this. I'm not ready. But here I am. Missing you. Hating the silence. Hating that I can't call you mine.
When we're together it's great. When we're not, its not. I just hope I didn't get my hopes up about you.
Goodnight, G. Hope it's a good one.
I dont hate you
I hate how you made sunsets sit in my throat, waiting to climb out and scream all night
I hate how you made silence feel like pain,
And the outdoors feel like hell
I hate how you made the shell of who I am a little thinker than before, closed off to everyone after you.
You made comfort something to fear, and trust nonexistent
I hate that.
I dont hate you, I forgive you. I wont forget about it, and I wont come back like nothing happened. But I forgive you, not for your peace of mind, but for mine.
I dont hate you.
I hate who you made me become.
You know those nights where you're not quite asleep, but youre dreaming?
They can be anything, really.
Driving a car, swimming, walking at the beach.
But then, suddenly, you're crashing the car.
The waves swallow you whole.
And you're awake again.
Why cant that dream be the same.
Why cant I see your face and force myself to wake up?
Tell myself it's just a dream.
Tell myself you're gone.
I try to do all of that when I wake up,
But it doesnt seem to slow my breathing
Or stop my crying
Or help me fall back asleep.
Because I crashed the car,
But instead of waking up,
I let the crash mangle me
The path to anxious.
I'm starting to remember a little more where a lot of my anxiety came from.
Being told I was being too loud while I was young and playing.
Being told I need to think of others feelings about my own feelings.
Being told not to touch someone unless they tell me how and where.
Being told, during the most intimate time in a teenage girls life, that what I wanted didn't matter. Being manipulated into thinking someone truly loved me. Being told I was boring.
So, I bottle it all up. I can't bring myself to tall about it with anyone important to me. During this conversation in my surroundings right now, I'm realizing so much that I still have a long way to go before I...
I hear your voice when I fall asleep at night. I hear the steady beat of your bass, you strumming along and suddenly switching into something else. I hear your acoustic guitar. I smell your cologne. I see you. I listen to this album and I think of you. I don't know why. You didn't show it to me or anything. G, I dream of you and it feels like you're really holding me, but then I wake up alone and I'm crushed. I have no right thinking about you as much as I do. Getting jealous thinking of you talking to someone else. We're practically nothing. I know a lot of the anxiety is in my head, but does that mean it's not real? Do I have nothing to worry about? Am I justified in thinking I have no chan...
MY NEWEST EMBRACE
This house is breathing
moving with the motions of the inhabitants.
Fruit fills my lungs,
and guitar strings tie around my heart.
It's only been a short time,
but I can't get the fruit and the music,
the breath of these walls,
out of me.
It's part of me now,
my newest embrace.