|if you have a thought that makes you stop and think more than usual, write it down|
I tried to stay awake as late as possible. I wanted more time just lying there next to you, looking into your eyes. It's odd, if I'm being honest, that we spend so much time together right now and we still don't know the little details about each other. I know a little bit about your childhood, and the meaning behind one of your tattoos - probably the most meaningful tattoo in such a small form I have ever seen. I don't know how I really feel about you quite yet. I know you've read a little bit of my most vulnerable writing. You've shown me the music you've written. You have changed what I think of when I hear a certain song. You continually tell me I am beautiful, I am great, and that you do...
When I started dating you I thought I would never be able to move past it if we broke up. And now, here I am writimg what I'm hoping is the last letter to you. I made it. I won.
My name is Alexandria. I am 21 years old, I am from Beaumont, and here are a few of my favorite things:
Book maximum ride (series)
Sport baseball and soccer
TV Show Dark Angel or Gilmore Girls
Movie 10 Things I Hate About You
Color green, but only because black isnt a color
Song/Album This Song Saved My Life by Simple Plan
if these four walls could talk
theyd sing along with the mutterings of
a focused homework do-er.
if these sheets could breathe
they would struggle for air from
being sat on and covered with books
but if this laptop could run,
it would run far, far away
into the wild imagination of my mind
"I miss you, too" he whispered, almost out of no where. She could feel his warm hand through her shirt, almost feeling the roughness of the hard work. She just stayed still, pretending to be asleep. She didn't know how to respond. She hadn't said she missed him any time recently, unless he was reading over her shoulder. "We can just lay here. This is what you need isn't it?" He held her in a way she hadn't been held in a long time.
"Yes," she said shaking.
"I got you, baby. You're okay." They laid still, her fighting sleep and him trying to let her lose the fight. She let herself think, reminding herself it was a terrible idea to get close, thinking his name over and over. Trying ...
I can't stand that its been eight months now, but I still dream about running into you. I went to sleep last night thinking about nothing and woke up hating that I even went to sleep. I do miss you sometimes, but I really don't know why. Why do you have such a hold on my life? Why do I want to text you and see what you're doing? I still smile when I listen to songs that make me think about you, and I still know exactly what your voice sounds like. What the calluses on your hands feel like. I still think about that laugh. The one through your teeth that used to make the happier than anything. But now, here I am writing you another letter that you'll never read and thinking ...
The day i stop religiously checking your social media pages is the day i am truly free
Winter came faster than expected. She wasnt prepared. She shivered uncontrollable, as she walked past the group of uniformed men and their hot lattes , trying not to draw attention to herself. They stopped talking amongst themselves to turn to the sudden noise of the shivering girl walking quickly past them.
"You should probably get home. Curfew soon." The way he said it kept a calm air between the man who spoke and the girl trying to get home, but also left a linfering sense of authority.
"Yes, sir, I'm going now," she spoke politely, without stopping. Its been different since the curfew was implemented last year. No warnings were given, just automatic convictions for breaking curfew....
The soft glow of the fireplace reaches across the dark room while the subtle warmth grabs me and pulls me closer as i curl under the blankets and reflect on the past year. The spring brought tears as well as rain. The summer brought freedom and natural heat. Fall was a time to focus on mental health and myself. But winter? Winter is always a time to finally enjoy being under many blankets and surround myself with family. So i sit in front of the fire with a warm mug and a blanket around my shoulders, and i smile.
As the world circles the sun another time, people feel the need to make resolutions.
I resolve to write more and be true to my own heart.
I need to try harder, and do my part.
So I wish you luck in your future endeavors,
and I wish you happiness, whenever.
"I Don't Miss Love"
I can't explain this feeling that's missing from me
the feeling that has me feeling like I am not doing anything right
I can't explain why I don't miss love
love which has always left me feeling warm and safe
I don't miss knowing someone was always on the receiving end of my rants
I don't miss waiting to hear from someone
I don't miss love
But if I don't miss love
Why do I feel like it's missing me
Today is the day you finally told me the truth.
Finally, you asked me how i was doing.
Finally, you asked me how i was coping.
After 5 months of me questioning every move, questioning every word you ever told me and now, finally, i know for a fact.
Finally i know you just werent enough for me.
Finally i can say we werent meant to be.
I'm tired of feeling lonely. I dont want to hate myself because I'm waiting for someone to text me. I don't want to dream about my ex's and wake up hating the feeling.
I just don't want to be lonely anymore.
I hate that the best sleep i get is doke dreaming of you..
semplicemente vivendo la vita come mi pare,
A Personal Note to the Girl I Used to be.
Don't worry about cutting your hair. It grows back and no one pays attention as much as you think they do.
This is why i stay up late. Expectations of normal hours that people are awale drift away. No promises to go out, no cleaning or conversation. Just me and the quiet of my room, save for the sound of my fan.
I stay up late to listen to music without having to pause it to leave a room. To watch movies uninterupted. To write without worrying about losing a train of thought. But most importantly, i stay up late so i ca. Appreciate when i dream.
Im making a promise to myself right now. Im done pretending. I didnt want to pretend you werent important to me when you were before, now i dont want to pretend you are impirtant to me when youre not.
Sometimes I wonder how he's doing.
I wonder if he sits up at night thinking about what he could have changed.
I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him, or if he regrets any of it.
Sometimes I think about what might have been.
What if we were never a thing? What if we dated longer?
I try not to get hung up on the "what if" anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if she sits up at night and goes through old pictures. If she reads any of my posts.
I wonder if she regrets how she treated me.
I wonder if she thinks about what would happen if we were still friends.
Sometimes I wonder, but most of the time I just sit thinking
I'm considering making thoughts about you a drinking game because maybe if I'm drunk i won't think of your name
Why do I write?
I write to clear my head in ways spoken words don't know.
I write to keep my hands moving,
To keep them busy so I don't start biting my nails or chewing the skin.
I write to keep the bad thoughts from staining my brain.
I write to get the bad thoughts on paper so I remember that they're just thoughts.
That's why I started writing. That's why I keep writing.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, happy birthday,
Happy birthday to you!
Singing a great big happy birthday to all of my "birthday twins" out there 💜💙
This anxiety feels new
I can't breathe...
I can't handle the sights
all of the seconds ticking by.
Suddenly I'm brand new
suddenly it's all different.
I can't breathe..
I know I broke down
but I can't admit it
I'm breathing faster and faster
I can't breathe.
My thoughts seem like someone else,
like someone else put them there
I feel like I'm floating
somewhere outside my body
I can't breathe!
I'm drowning in the thoughts
I'm suffocated by the heavy anxiety.
The anxiety weighs me down
I don't move
How do I force myself to breathe?
I breathe in,
sucking in the cold air
burning my lungs,
inhaling the tears
I finally breathe.
This is how it starts.
This is how it always starts.
He tells her he loves her.
He tiptoes around the feelings he has.
This is how it starts.
This is how it always starts.
She takes a day for herself.
She needs time not to suffocate.
This is how it starts.
but this is also how it ends.
the conversations get shorter.
the arguments get longer.
they fall further and further out of love.
That is how it starts.
That is how it always starts.
I'm sorry if I get a little annoying when I send you a bunch of things. I just send you things that I think might make you laugh. You laughing makes being annoying a little worth it.
I want to keep you up telling you how much I think about you. I want to wake up late in the day and jot want to move because I'm exactly where I want to be. I want to laugh with you for hours. I want you. I can live without the rest as long as I have you.
Why do I have love songs stuck in my head? Why do I get butterflies when they call you my boyfriend? Why do I still worry about what he would think if he insisted he didn't want a relationship? Why can't I just stick with what I wanted to begin with? Why do I get attached so easily? Why do I get so damn nervous about both of you? Just you two. My "Thunder Bunny" and someone I don't think I can call mine at all. Would I still be able to do everything I'd like to do if I get into another relationship? Probably not. I don't want to be limited on things I want to do based on a boyfriend. I want to be able to see a friend out of town without worrying if I'll be thought to be cheating. I don't want...
I'm finding it hard to find other coping mechanisms to my stress.
My dad told me to step back from writing for a bit and focus on my classes. but when I don't get to write all of these thoughts swirl around in my head throughout the day I start to go crazy. I start to wonder if writing is more worth my time than Engineering. I love to write. Don't get me wrong, I love toy learn about engineering and I love the idea of engineering. But sometimes you need an escape.
The point of this isn't just to contemplate my major, it's to say the things you enjoy doing while you relax deserve some time, too.
I know we just met. We met 8 days ago at a bar and grill that I hang out at during the week. And in just 8 days I have your ring around my neck and you're hoodie under my head while I sleep. I have your picture on my lock screen, and I think about you constantly. I cant tell you to your face because rejection scares the hell out of me. But you already mean so much to me. Thunder, I know how we both feel. Im okay starting how things are. But I definitely want to know you more. I definitely want to keep thinking a lot you. Think of me, too?
I miss you already Thunderbunny.
I know sometimes you feel like you're not enough. I feel that way sometimes, too.
But there will always be someone who wants to know who you are. Someone who will listen to all of your issues and stick by your side. Someone who knows exactly what you've been through.
You're not alone. Ever. and you are enough.
I know I need to hear it sometimes, too.
if you need to talk, the contact info at the top of the page is current, and I will try to respond as often as possible.
Stay strong, but never forget to break.