|if you have a thought that makes you stop and think more than usual, write it down|
It’s the little things really.
Just hearing you talk is so interesting to me.
Even if the topic isn’t interesting to me.
I like seeing the things you’ve done in the past that you’re proud of.
Seeing you happy is important to me.
I missed your smile and your kisses and the subtle touches.
Hell, I even missed your jokes.
“Keep your hands to yourself, succubus” was pretty good.
You’re on my mind heavy.
Probably since I dreamt about you but that’s beside the point.
I seriously like you.
I want nothing to do with anyone else.
I was serious last night.
I am monogamous.
I don’t share well, and I never have.
I get STUPID jealous.
Well, here we are. You are officially a letter in the alphabet that creates my story. Missing you like crazy is almost natural. I can't do this right now. I can't love you. I can't think of you all the time. I can't do this. I'm not ready. But here I am. Missing you. Hating the silence. Hating that I can't call you mine.
When we're together it's great. When we're not, its not. I just hope I didn't get my hopes up about you.
Goodnight, G. Hope it's a good one.
I dont hate you
I hate how you made sunsets sit in my throat, waiting to climb out and scream all night
I hate how you made silence feel like pain,
And the outdoors feel like hell
I hate how you made the shell of who I am a little thinker than before, closed off to everyone after you.
You made comfort something to fear, and trust nonexistent
I hate that.
I dont hate you, I forgive you. I wont forget about it, and I wont come back like nothing happened. But I forgive you, not for your peace of mind, but for mine.
I dont hate you.
I hate who you made me become.
You know those nights where you're not quite asleep, but youre dreaming?
They can be anything, really.
Driving a car, swimming, walking at the beach.
But then, suddenly, you're crashing the car.
The waves swallow you whole.
And you're awake again.
Why cant that dream be the same.
Why cant I see your face and force myself to wake up?
Tell myself it's just a dream.
Tell myself you're gone.
I try to do all of that when I wake up,
But it doesnt seem to slow my breathing
Or stop my crying
Or help me fall back asleep.
Because I crashed the car,
But instead of waking up,
I let the crash mangle me
The path to anxious.
I'm starting to remember a little more where a lot of my anxiety came from.
Being told I was being too loud while I was young and playing.
Being told I need to think of others feelings about my own feelings.
Being told not to touch someone unless they tell me how and where.
Being told, during the most intimate time in a teenage girls life, that what I wanted didn't matter. Being manipulated into thinking someone truly loved me. Being told I was boring.
So, I bottle it all up. I can't bring myself to tall about it with anyone important to me. During this conversation in my surroundings right now, I'm realizing so much that I still have a long way to go before I...
I hear your voice when I fall asleep at night. I hear the steady beat of your bass, you strumming along and suddenly switching into something else. I hear your acoustic guitar. I smell your cologne. I see you. I listen to this album and I think of you. I don't know why. You didn't show it to me or anything. G, I dream of you and it feels like you're really holding me, but then I wake up alone and I'm crushed. I have no right thinking about you as much as I do. Getting jealous thinking of you talking to someone else. We're practically nothing. I know a lot of the anxiety is in my head, but does that mean it's not real? Do I have nothing to worry about? Am I justified in thinking I have no chan...
MY NEWEST EMBRACE
This house is breathing
moving with the motions of the inhabitants.
Fruit fills my lungs,
and guitar strings tie around my heart.
It's only been a short time,
but I can't get the fruit and the music,
the breath of these walls,
out of me.
It's part of me now,
my newest embrace.
believing my time will come
silently hoping you will come back
you'll be home, into my arms where you belong
and I'll be happy for the first time since
you left me the very first day
Birthday poem, 10/16/1997
I tried to stay awake as late as possible. I wanted more time just lying there next to you, looking into your eyes. It's odd, if I'm being honest, that we spend so much time together right now and we still don't know the little details about each other. I know a little bit about your childhood, and the meaning behind one of your tattoos - probably the most meaningful tattoo in such a small form I have ever seen. I don't know how I really feel about you quite yet. I know you've read a little bit of my most vulnerable writing. You've shown me the music you've written. You have changed what I think of when I hear a certain song. You continually tell me I am beautiful, I am great, and that you do...
When I started dating you I thought I would never be able to move past it if we broke up. And now, here I am writimg what I'm hoping is the last letter to you. I made it. I won.
My name is Alexandria. I am 21 years old, I am from Beaumont, and here are a few of my favorite things:
Book maximum ride (series)
Sport baseball and soccer
TV Show Dark Angel or Gilmore Girls
Movie 10 Things I Hate About You
Color green, but only because black isnt a color
Song/Album This Song Saved My Life by Simple Plan
if these four walls could talk
theyd sing along with the mutterings of
a focused homework do-er.
if these sheets could breathe
they would struggle for air from
being sat on and covered with books
but if this laptop could run,
it would run far, far away
into the wild imagination of my mind
"I miss you, too" he whispered, almost out of no where. She could feel his warm hand through her shirt, almost feeling the roughness of the hard work. She just stayed still, pretending to be asleep. She didn't know how to respond. She hadn't said she missed him any time recently, unless he was reading over her shoulder. "We can just lay here. This is what you need isn't it?" He held her in a way she hadn't been held in a long time.
"Yes," she said shaking.
"I got you, baby. You're okay." They laid still, her fighting sleep and him trying to let her lose the fight. She let herself think, reminding herself it was a terrible idea to get close, thinking his name over and over. Trying ...
I can't stand that its been eight months now, but I still dream about running into you. I went to sleep last night thinking about nothing and woke up hating that I even went to sleep. I do miss you sometimes, but I really don't know why. Why do you have such a hold on my life? Why do I want to text you and see what you're doing? I still smile when I listen to songs that make me think about you, and I still know exactly what your voice sounds like. What the calluses on your hands feel like. I still think about that laugh. The one through your teeth that used to make the happier than anything. But now, here I am writing you another letter that you'll never read and thinking ...
The day i stop religiously checking your social media pages is the day i am truly free
Winter came faster than expected. She wasnt prepared. She shivered uncontrollable, as she walked past the group of uniformed men and their hot lattes , trying not to draw attention to herself. They stopped talking amongst themselves to turn to the sudden noise of the shivering girl walking quickly past them.
"You should probably get home. Curfew soon." The way he said it kept a calm air between the man who spoke and the girl trying to get home, but also left a linfering sense of authority.
"Yes, sir, I'm going now," she spoke politely, without stopping. Its been different since the curfew was implemented last year. No warnings were given, just automatic convictions for breaking curfew....
The soft glow of the fireplace reaches across the dark room while the subtle warmth grabs me and pulls me closer as i curl under the blankets and reflect on the past year. The spring brought tears as well as rain. The summer brought freedom and natural heat. Fall was a time to focus on mental health and myself. But winter? Winter is always a time to finally enjoy being under many blankets and surround myself with family. So i sit in front of the fire with a warm mug and a blanket around my shoulders, and i smile.
As the world circles the sun another time, people feel the need to make resolutions.
I resolve to write more and be true to my own heart.
I need to try harder, and do my part.
So I wish you luck in your future endeavors,
and I wish you happiness, whenever.
"I Don't Miss Love"
I can't explain this feeling that's missing from me
the feeling that has me feeling like I am not doing anything right
I can't explain why I don't miss love
love which has always left me feeling warm and safe
I don't miss knowing someone was always on the receiving end of my rants
I don't miss waiting to hear from someone
I don't miss love
But if I don't miss love
Why do I feel like it's missing me
Today is the day you finally told me the truth.
Finally, you asked me how i was doing.
Finally, you asked me how i was coping.
After 5 months of me questioning every move, questioning every word you ever told me and now, finally, i know for a fact.
Finally i know you just werent enough for me.
Finally i can say we werent meant to be.
I'm tired of feeling lonely. I dont want to hate myself because I'm waiting for someone to text me. I don't want to dream about my ex's and wake up hating the feeling.
I just don't want to be lonely anymore.
I hate that the best sleep i get is doke dreaming of you..
semplicemente vivendo la vita come mi pare,
A Personal Note to the Girl I Used to be.
Don't worry about cutting your hair. It grows back and no one pays attention as much as you think they do.
This is why i stay up late. Expectations of normal hours that people are awale drift away. No promises to go out, no cleaning or conversation. Just me and the quiet of my room, save for the sound of my fan.
I stay up late to listen to music without having to pause it to leave a room. To watch movies uninterupted. To write without worrying about losing a train of thought. But most importantly, i stay up late so i ca. Appreciate when i dream.
Im making a promise to myself right now. Im done pretending. I didnt want to pretend you werent important to me when you were before, now i dont want to pretend you are impirtant to me when youre not.
Sometimes I wonder how he's doing.
I wonder if he sits up at night thinking about what he could have changed.
I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him, or if he regrets any of it.
Sometimes I think about what might have been.
What if we were never a thing? What if we dated longer?
I try not to get hung up on the "what if" anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if she sits up at night and goes through old pictures. If she reads any of my posts.
I wonder if she regrets how she treated me.
I wonder if she thinks about what would happen if we were still friends.
Sometimes I wonder, but most of the time I just sit thinking
I'm considering making thoughts about you a drinking game because maybe if I'm drunk i won't think of your name
Why do I write?
I write to clear my head in ways spoken words don't know.
I write to keep my hands moving,
To keep them busy so I don't start biting my nails or chewing the skin.
I write to keep the bad thoughts from staining my brain.
I write to get the bad thoughts on paper so I remember that they're just thoughts.
That's why I started writing. That's why I keep writing.