Now that I can see what I’ve looked for all this time, Im sad to express how I really feel about it.
I hear these words of what I’ve dreamt all my life, and I’m ashamed to express what my visceral response is.
I feel his touch with heavy warm compassion and I illuminate.
Now the thought of him makes me soft, heart beating and thoughts racing-I miss him.
This thing is such a complex process. ❤️
So little love has been too constant in this. Did I choose all these mistakes? Did I ask for all this pain? Am I a puppet to a mad man?
At times I feel so broken.
What’s it all for...is the question I ask too often.
My trust obliterated, my heart of stone, my body malnourished, is this my conclusion? Because it’s my part time reality.
Will I ever dream again? Ever be good enough?
Could I for once not be so alone?
Will You let me know when to let go next time before it’s too late?
Will you fill every minute of my day with love, from all angles? That’s all I truly desire.
I’m not sure of this.
How strong are you really? You act tough but can you handle someone totally loving you? Truthfully loving you? Are you strong enough to accept this? Flexible enough to grasp this and smart enough to recognize what this is?
Thank you for being a gentleman. Thank you for being so open and kind. For you I am smitten still and for you I would punch a shark in the face.
I want to know all you think about to see then if you are as mysterious as you now seem. And I want to travel with you to see you in perplexing situations and how you rise. I want to cook for you and wake up with you always.
I want to tell you all of this someday.
You think your so smart.
I know you are educated, but I’m smarter.
I know how to survive.
And if a name is just a name, a language just a language our point will arrive under the light. In due time. Inevitably. With the veils removed and barriers torn down we sit on a baseline of human purpose-moving forward.
Body language. Action. Touch.
If Up is not your way and Onward not your desire,
I must not waste your time.
The sky is calling on me, the trees whispering me near. For they will stand by me and they will protect me.
You have saved my life.
How do I repay you.
How can I ever thank you.
Every day, yes.
In every interaction, I will.
My fear of annoying you with this gratitude is real.
But if this feeling is actual and if You feel the same way. Im simply grateful and thankful.
Perhaps no words are to be said.
Every year you come to me and leave just the same under the smog, in the night with a sweet exit until the next time.
I don’t miss you painfully since I know I can always travel to you if my heart yearns.
Your rays on my face won’t compare to any other.
And the risk I take in this indulgent treat, I savor all year.
I hide it in my cells and I keep it in my heart for the darkest of days.
To pull me out to leaven me up.
Thank you for your presence, your gifts and your lessons.
I must prepare myself.
I must proceed onward
I must keep my light lit
I must pray harder
How about we not remain rooted in a reality consumed with fear of the latter.
What if we knew we are accepted just the way we are. Good enough for your wildest dreams, stronger than this habit, and braver than a tangle of words wanting to tear you down.
Who is it that loves me? I know your out there. Whoever you are.
Where is it we can go to replace delusion and greed?
If you have a desire follow it, a dream chase it, love-hold on to it. Most importantly have yourself. Obey. Serve. Love . Excel.
As kind as I like to think I am, sometimes I think I can be the coldest person I’ve ever encountered.
Like my Mom said you could be.
As strong as I dream to be, too often I’m so fragile and weak.
I hope to bring light to peoples lives, yet I can see how I’m just loud, brash and annoying.
Yet again, I’ve found myself so alone in this life.
Angry, I’ve grown angry.
I don’t want to be this.
In my mind, it’s different.
In my mind my reality was suppose to be so different.
I’ve failed in all the right places and thrived when I wasn’t paying such exhaustion.
Your presence lives. I just pray I will learn from your mistakes.
To whom it may concern,
Sometimes. I like to wish it was all a fable, a tall tale, an untruth, still told to the wicked and the naughty, the naive, the ungrateful.
That once upon a time, this one man looked down his nose onto another man.
Made them live just hanging on a thread for HIS service, his will and his desires.
This man was forced to be a servant, payed nothing-fed scraps at best.
One man owned by another. The law supported it, the community wanted it.
There was nothing he could do, his family was his responsibility and now he has no choice but to stay.
To pray, to wait for another day, he would say it’s all okay. Or else he might be shot down or hung from above. He would be fou...
I’m not afraid of you.
I’m afraid of injustice, repetition of the past, an unattained empty grasp.
I’m afraid of not reaching my full potential, and not being exponential.
I’m afraid of forgetting my sons’ eyes, their birthdays.
I’m afraid of dying alone.
I’m afraid of forever being alone.
I’m afraid of never being really known.
I’m afraid of my love never being shown.
Oh pain, dear familiar pain.
I’m searching for inspiration undiscovered
Adventure under my feet
A simple friend
I’m looking for the fire within
The miracle unfolding
Beneath forgiveness is an oasis of enlightenment
Beyond friendship could lye partnership
I’ve found contentment in service
I’ve seen love in the eyes of fear and felt fear in moments of love
I’ve been burnt by illusion and fooled by society
Smarter I️ become
Proof lives in the ever changing seasons of decay and rebirth
Yet still I️ sleep alone
Its like these walls are so immune to discomfort, fear and abuse.
Confronting the baseline it retorts back to just that.
The love I have for them speaks back, confused and untrusting.
I fear the future of those vulnerable will follow suit.
Still listening to these walls and the stories they tell, I figure out how to interveinously infuse my gratitude. My patience. My love.
To those who tirelessly love,
Expecting someone to love you just because you love them is plain foolish.
Loving someone anonymously and unconditional is the richest kind of love.
Yet some simply might not be able to absorb your love,
Might not understand your love.
They might not have the ingredients of life to emulsify your love.
This moment, captured in time until its destruction, your time capsule back to that day, that hour that memory.
How much do you remember of that moment anyway, how in the moment were you?
There are countless times when a breathtaking full moon or a glowing sunset beckons me to forever capture it, yet a photo does it no justice.
I must keep it other places like my heart or mind.
I lay here with the richness of my experiences to enrich the lives of others, yet my grasp is so numb, my focus now blurred.
I don't ask for the stars any more. Keep em.
Maybe finding love is a lie we all tell ourselves.
Maybe it's all for nothing.
Still, now numb I stand alone.
Dear Alzheimer's Disease,
When I met my grandfather it was already to late. He called me "little Sharon" which is my mothers name. I still am not sure if he thought I was her, or if he just forgot my name.
My grandmother started by wearing these oversized nightgowns replacing her once timeless ensembles.
I remember seeing her for the last time. She seemed fine health-wise although she always did, never was vulnerable always strong with a steady stare.
My other grandfather had a seizure the last time I saw him, apparently a side affect of his disease. Never said much. I remember him as a healthy guy. He was cocky and confident maybe a bit shallow. He liked me just enough to make me like him ...
In this instant I look up and wonder where I went wrong to have this moment be a reality in my life.
Perhaps it's a blessing.
I can cry and yell, ignore and be surly.
I can self abuse and excessively use.
But I won't, because I love you.
For being so hard, so dry.
I love you because I have to, I'm disposed to.
I can't take back what I've said and done and sadly neither can you.
So we live with it.
Walk with it.
Cry with it.
Speak with it.
Eat with it.
And in this moment we look up and realize what all we did right to have this reality.
You can stay silent and ignore it, avoid my reaction. Postponing the news, self abuse and excessively use.
Yet the facts remain true. An...
And so I realized never have I been in love.
I was sure I was...it but now I realize.
Never have I ever been in love.
My stomach aches with fear that when I ask God to send me my companion that silence it's not empty, he is actually there, just unresponsive to my question.
I look forward, but all I can see is my past.
Wolfs raise wolfs.
To put it behind me is climbing one summit.
But to then function properly in that same situation is quite another.
It's funny to think We are who we are because of things that happened to us we had no control over.
So I'm sorry for lying to you, convincing you you had a great love that didn't work out. And another came along but we left that ...
To you my romanticism is closet kinky.
And to YoU I'm fickle
My life has pushed me through a gutter and from the lens you choose to see me through I'm all messed up, WEirD and Crazy.
...and to You who think I've gloated through this pristine picket fence Barbie doll life...maybe I have.
After all, that's how I wish you'd think of me as- normal, all American, privileged.
I'm just hyper attentive to your feelings, not fickle.
I'm creative and expressive, not weird.
I've walked the darkest alleys and woke up alive, safe-saved.
I'm not crazy, just enlightened.
I have sky high morals and stone solid ethics, for myself and everyone else.
I'm not just preppy.
I work hard and expect the same ...
It's as if I have a disease or peculiar condition.
One that forces me to dodge and hide from the incoming advances.
Masking my disguise.
Running from questions.
If the stars align accordingly the antidote will surface
We will become great friends and family will follow a kiss.
I dread telling you my story already, there is just so much.
Your heart will attract me, your soul will hold me and your mind will keep me.
Be my antidote
Save me from living this life in solitude.
As I age I'm finding this reverent mouth feel of life
The warmth of this winter has proven the possibilities
My heart belongs here.
With this change of perspective life has handed to me I'll tumble and roll with it
I'll climb for it and run after it
I'll live without so that I can live with.
A reduction of my passion would heal the world of all heartache
Yet how shall I ?
And my gratitude is the foundation on which I can build this, hold this, mold this into a sky kissing masterpiece.
Your blessings and thy will which pumps through my veins down my fingertips and out the end of every strand of hair on my head hold the secret.
I dont know what i did or didn't do to deserve this, and perhaps im just impatient or i need to get out of my head.
This template of a life might be the result of a hero.
I know i will do something wonderful someday and only hope to be loved and honored then.
This gives me time to focus, time to heal. This period gives me a break, to forget everything i ever knew about affection and overcome my fears. Maybe then i could breathe unfearfully and walk meekless, i could speak deeply therefore love wholly.
So thank you to all those who dumped me on holidays, just before or were simply unfaithful.
Thank you for not staying and not persuiting me, thank you for givimg me this time to...
As i learn today i can shape tomorrow, i plant seeds and i water them, then i watch them grow!
such as this town since ive lived here it seems ,
and this field as i thoroughly continue to nurture it .
Have you learned about what you are interested in?
haven't you searched and searched for a career or hobby to pour your mind body and soul into? what are you waiting for? why do you spend your time waiting, settling and waisting.
must i remind you, this is YoUr life-to do with it as you choose and achieve the best imaginable.
Find a seed and love it, plant it and watch it grow.
Make a choice and watch it shape your reality
with this day i honored you by gloating in your golden rays, as i always do.
i dirtied my hands with the golden residue i aquired pedaling my weight about.
i swam past turmoil and tribulation since you ground me with your ever changing glory
If i could i would fall asleep on lush grass surrendering to the midnight stars. i would trust your soil to cution my curves and his strong arms to keep me warm. i would know i was safe to rise in morning to your light since you have yet to fail me, even those days i was sure you wouldn't show.
i have not found someone who can accept my love for you and him both. you win, always.
I'm sorry we humans are so selfish.
if there was s...
Happy Birthday darling.
there is reason for things an unexplained path that takes form with every word and every step, every breath.
my path was once unguided and un lit. branches hit me in the face and i tripped over jagged rocks, i cried in frustration and looked up to the sky. i would wonder how i could live a life i loved.
im glad you were in my path.
you taught me so much and I will be able to love you forever. your always in my heart and prayers.