I’m not afraid of you.
I’m afraid of injustice, repetition of the past, an unattained empty grasp.
I’m afraid of not reaching my full potential, and not being exponential.
I’m afraid of forgetting my sons’ eyes, their birthdays.
I’m afraid of dying alone.
I’m afraid of forever being alone.
I’m afraid of never being really known.
I’m afraid of my love never being shown.
Oh pain, dear familiar pain.
I’m searching for inspiration undiscovered
Adventure under my feet
A simple friend
I’m looking for the fire within
The miracle unfolding
Beneath forgiveness is an oasis of enlightenment
Beyond friendship could lye partnership
I’ve found contentment in service
I’ve seen love in the eyes of fear and felt fear in moments of love
I’ve been burnt by illusion and fooled by society
Smarter I️ become
Proof lives in the ever changing seasons of decay and rebirth
Yet still I️ sleep alone
Its like these walls are so immune to discomfort, fear and abuse.
Confronting the baseline it retorts back to just that.
The love I have for them speaks back, confused and untrusting.
I fear the future of those vulnerable will follow suit.
Still listening to these walls and the stories they tell, I figure out how to interveinously infuse my gratitude. My patience. My love.
To those who tirelessly love,
Expecting someone to love you just because you love them is plain foolish.
Loving someone anonymously and unconditional is the richest kind of love.
Yet some simply might not be able to absorb your love,
Might not understand your love.
They might not have the ingredients of life to emulsify your love.
This moment, captured in time until its destruction, your time capsule back to that day, that hour that memory.
How much do you remember of that moment anyway, how in the moment were you?
There are countless times when a breathtaking full moon or a glowing sunset beckons me to forever capture it, yet a photo does it no justice.
I must keep it other places like my heart or mind.
I lay here with the richness of my experiences to enrich the lives of others, yet my grasp is so numb, my focus now blurred.
I don't ask for the stars any more. Keep em.
Maybe finding love is a lie we all tell ourselves.
Maybe it's all for nothing.
Still, now numb I stand alone.
Dear Alzheimer's Disease,
When I met my grandfather it was already to late. He called me "little Sharon" which is my mothers name. I still am not sure if he thought I was her, or if he just forgot my name.
My grandmother started by wearing these oversized nightgowns replacing her once timeless ensembles.
I remember seeing her for the last time. She seemed fine health-wise although she always did, never was vulnerable always strong with a steady stare.
My other grandfather had a seizure the last time I saw him, apparently a side affect of his disease. Never said much. I remember him as a healthy guy. He was cocky and confident maybe a bit shallow. He liked me just enough to make me like him ...
In this instant I look up and wonder where I went wrong to have this moment be a reality in my life.
Perhaps it's a blessing.
I can cry and yell, ignore and be surly.
I can self abuse and excessively use.
But I won't, because I love you.
For being so hard, so dry.
I love you because I have to, I'm disposed to.
I can't take back what I've said and done and sadly neither can you.
So we live with it.
Walk with it.
Cry with it.
Speak with it.
Eat with it.
And in this moment we look up and realize what all we did right to have this reality.
You can stay silent and ignore it, avoid my reaction. Postponing the news, self abuse and excessively use.
Yet the facts remain true. An...
And so I realized never have I been in love.
I was sure I was...it but now I realize.
Never have I ever been in love.
My stomach aches with fear that when I ask God to send me my companion that silence it's not empty, he is actually there, just unresponsive to my question.
I look forward, but all I can see is my past.
Wolfs raise wolfs.
To put it behind me is climbing one summit.
But to then function properly in that same situation is quite another.
It's funny to think We are who we are because of things that happened to us we had no control over.
So I'm sorry for lying to you, convincing you you had a great love that didn't work out. And another came along but we left that ...
To you my romanticism is closet kinky.
And to YoU I'm fickle
My life has pushed me through a gutter and from the lens you choose to see me through I'm all messed up, WEirD and Crazy.
...and to You who think I've gloated through this pristine picket fence Barbie doll life...maybe I have.
After all, that's how I wish you'd think of me as- normal, all American, privileged.
I'm just hyper attentive to your feelings, not fickle.
I'm creative and expressive, not weird.
I've walked the darkest alleys and woke up alive, safe-saved.
I'm not crazy, just enlightened.
I have sky high morals and stone solid ethics, for myself and everyone else.
I'm not just preppy.
I work hard and expect the same ...
It's as if I have a disease or peculiar condition.
One that forces me to dodge and hide from the incoming advances.
Masking my disguise.
Running from questions.
If the stars align accordingly the antidote will surface
We will become great friends and family will follow a kiss.
I dread telling you my story already, there is just so much.
Your heart will attract me, your soul will hold me and your mind will keep me.
Be my antidote
Save me from living this life in solitude.
As I age I'm finding this reverent mouth feel of life
The warmth of this winter has proven the possibilities
My heart belongs here.
With this change of perspective life has handed to me I'll tumble and roll with it
I'll climb for it and run after it
I'll live without so that I can live with.
A reduction of my passion would heal the world of all heartache
Yet how shall I ?
And my gratitude is the foundation on which I can build this, hold this, mold this into a sky kissing masterpiece.
Your blessings and thy will which pumps through my veins down my fingertips and out the end of every strand of hair on my head hold the secret.
I dont know what i did or didn't do to deserve this, and perhaps im just impatient or i need to get out of my head.
This template of a life might be the result of a hero.
I know i will do something wonderful someday and only hope to be loved and honored then.
This gives me time to focus, time to heal. This period gives me a break, to forget everything i ever knew about affection and overcome my fears. Maybe then i could breathe unfearfully and walk meekless, i could speak deeply therefore love wholly.
So thank you to all those who dumped me on holidays, just before or were simply unfaithful.
Thank you for not staying and not persuiting me, thank you for givimg me this time to...
As i learn today i can shape tomorrow, i plant seeds and i water them, then i watch them grow!
such as this town since ive lived here it seems ,
and this field as i thoroughly continue to nurture it .
Have you learned about what you are interested in?
haven't you searched and searched for a career or hobby to pour your mind body and soul into? what are you waiting for? why do you spend your time waiting, settling and waisting.
must i remind you, this is YoUr life-to do with it as you choose and achieve the best imaginable.
Find a seed and love it, plant it and watch it grow.
Make a choice and watch it shape your reality
with this day i honored you by gloating in your golden rays, as i always do.
i dirtied my hands with the golden residue i aquired pedaling my weight about.
i swam past turmoil and tribulation since you ground me with your ever changing glory
If i could i would fall asleep on lush grass surrendering to the midnight stars. i would trust your soil to cution my curves and his strong arms to keep me warm. i would know i was safe to rise in morning to your light since you have yet to fail me, even those days i was sure you wouldn't show.
i have not found someone who can accept my love for you and him both. you win, always.
I'm sorry we humans are so selfish.
if there was s...
Happy Birthday darling.
there is reason for things an unexplained path that takes form with every word and every step, every breath.
my path was once unguided and un lit. branches hit me in the face and i tripped over jagged rocks, i cried in frustration and looked up to the sky. i would wonder how i could live a life i loved.
im glad you were in my path.
you taught me so much and I will be able to love you forever. your always in my heart and prayers.
I thought you would be here come spring. Then again I always hope they stay, but they never do, they run.
You ran so quick. So fast. So far.
I am still here and my savior clearly did his job.
I cant open my door to someone without faith. I have worked way to hard and come much too far to settle for less than I deserve.
And so i wait and WaIT and wAIT. I will continue to wait until something changes, a shift happens and i begin to see in my face the hope and his happiness shine through you.
I dont care how long.
I will waiT.
Until im old and grey, if i must.
I will wait.
Would they love me if they knew...
My faith; hope, dreams, wishes-prayers, thoughts, accrued wisdom, paranoias, fears...
...Or lack there of...
Maybe thats why they all run away, because I am an open book...
Or because they thought i had these deep dark habits and addictions and they were wrong, so they leave.
Or maybe they realize they cant hold me up when i need be lifted.
Their faith is too weak and their morals are too shallow. Their proud ethics are dust in the wind.
They have not found and accepted the light within.
So they then leave.
Those that know me love me, but why doesn't he?
Integrity is something i hold high up in the sky, as a muse and as a commandment.
Without it i might have never made it out alive
With it the options are endless and i am a rock.
i am weak at times and i am vulnerable under this candy hard exterior, but i think this i love.
When i usually crave sweets to fill in the cracks of my satisfyingly blessed life i want instead to spent time with him.
When i look into him i feel home; calm, rested and in the moment.
His eyes wanting to appear brown are this magnificent sight of light, mystery, and strength.
Oh dear life those tears last week were so rich and hot rolling down my resisting cheeks yet welcomed by the time they stung my chin. They were like poison being extracted from my heart. Possibly making a habitable environment for love to grow.
I will not soon forget those tears, they came from so de...
If I dance without judgement and look without self conscience, i will be in a better place.
And when i love without boundaries and explore without fear
I receive a better place in this race.
I see that the me who questions her reflection. And I see the him inside, no one admits to.
This life is such This journey that the stranger sitting next to me fulfills me like a long hug. A passing smile is such glorious light under the darkened sky.
I love you. I LOve you. I l0vE yoU.
For being human for being in my sphere for changing for challenging me.
You are a being that evolved this nation and brought light into this world.
For people like you come and then leave achieving a grand purpose leaving the world better than when you came.
You have always been my hero.
Rest my king for you are undoubtedly cherished and celebrated here.
You are understood and I love you.
Oh dear dear,
I am new and so filled with The divine light.
You are here. And to my understanding determined to massage the mystery out of the moment and leave with tangible value.
Although, my friend this is not so very possible.
And im here in this place. Without you, without anyone. Maybe this was your wish for me
So dont worry; if you do, did or ever thought of it
Im grown now, and I'm sorry if i ever hurt you.
I don't know what to do anymore
Ive eaten all the chocolate cake i can i have drunk the last drop and i have wasted all my tears on false reality
Im here now in this place and i have no clue why.
I miss you, although you pushed me away because i was no longer purposeful . Now im here and i dont know why.
But im happy and im strong. Stronger. Im not angry.
I fell and i fell again
In and out of love,
On the pavement and into many walls
Then one day i accepted that i had a purpose.
I gripped loosely on the handle bars and began this beautiful journey.
How have i made so many bad decisions in such a short existence here on earth
All i do anymore is cry
Am i not worthy
Am i not able or willing...
I know I've made many wrong turns and i have resisted for so long
I am young
I am so truly sorry
I wish I could take it all back sometimes
And change everything
Please forgive me.
I wish to push on in this life and make it a better place for my children.
If i can right the wrongs of my ancestors and be a role model to those void of hope please dear God, let me.
If i can bring light to the darkest, and if that is your will for me, the let it be done.
I have nothing left but you. These tears are not even heavy enough to make a point, ...
I can see how you think my enthusiasm is caustic and I can understand how you think my positivity is delusional
I think you have never been truly scared or alone. I don't think you have never had taken from you the one thing that ever meant so much to you.
I think you have no idea what true unconditional love is.
Therefore, myself through your eyes is incomparable and misunderstood.
Your ignorance sums me as "weird" and "crazy" and you are incapable of seeing past that.
I understand, I was once like you.
Movement slow and the stare is hard,
Focused and determined
You are professional
If love has no name and knows no face,
Why is it your name is reverberated in many facets of my life and your face cause a visceral reaction.
My heart beats faster and i feel light headed, Why do i have no appetite or material desire?
Is this what I have waited my whole life for; spent weeks yearning for and years wishing, months praying and decades hoping for?
Is this all that is left of your once tender lips?
The scraps and imperfect cuts. These are the repercussions of light summer affairs.
Misconceived by one party, he trots along, joyfully ignorant and carelessly breaking hearts with the best of i...