|Locked out of previous account, decided to return. Most of my writings are ramblings, pieces of my thoughts I just had to get out of my head.|
"Tomorrow I'll do it",
I said once again,
After a battle with the dark waged on through the night.
I tossed and turn because the memory of your smile was the only light.
My words, daggers and knives,
I felt them pierce through my spine and I suddenly understood
All the pain i put you through
Because i couldnt string together enough words to illustrate my own.
Sometimes it's better not to poor salt in the wound. . .
And so i said,
Tomorrow I'll do it
I'll message them again.
-tomorrow never came
I hope youre done and over me, and have forgotten about us. I dont want you to feel this way; like you cant breathe because your head is stuck underwater. I want you to live, not choke on the memory of me, even if it means living without me.
I can feel myself going back to my old ways. Like a fire it will burn me alive, a reflection of who I once was will flicker away in the flames. When all is finally calm and dead, release my ash into the morning wind. Let my memory murmur underneath the storm clouds. Let me be free at last.
(IWP Tuesday, October 8, 2019)
Goodbye and goodnight sound too much alike. When I lay to rest and when I stand to part, why must a similar phrase cross my lips? The acts are not similar, not in the slightest, because when I will awake, you will be there, but if I return the air will whistle back your absence. How must I decide, if I should end this with a goodbye or a goodnight? Why must I decide? Why can't I just lay my heart to rest, and once I open my eyes, you will not have left? But alas, it is too late because on that cold, rainy night my dry, brittle lips could not decide and my yearning, brittle heart could not speak for itself and instead of night the two syllabled heartbreak echoed ...
0 When I was growing up, I was told an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,
9 but now you've taken my sight, my only treasure
2 Blissful sight,
3 the darkness delivered.
2 Your turn,
0 your smile drips from my lips like venom, now your stolen pleasure.
0 I didn't underatand, when my mother said what she said but now
2 I do.
The faucet went drip drip and the house creaked and groaned, sharing a story no one would understand. The rain left a patter of footsteps across her roof that sent a comforting sigh of chills down her spine. Sitting cold and bare, she found herself conflicted again, faced with another forked path where a decision was asked of her, and so she asked herself for a decision.
On one side, her morning thoughts drooping with gloom would be fullfilled. Her greatest pleasures would yank her collar and deliever her the one wish she had yearned for her entire life. What laid resting on the other side, waiting for her, would remain unknow until she faced it; would her hair on her neck raise or would the...
I will never love someone like I loved you. I'm going to love you for a long, long time. I'm afraid I will take this mistake to my grave.
(9/17) 1. sometimes i worry the only time i have ever fallem in love with someone was with you.
2. im afraid ive already lost all the love my heart can give, and i lost it to someone who cannot give it back.
3. he's so special, he makes me love myself, and that's a noose ive held around my neck for a long time.
4. i wonder if im better off dead.
5. on nights, cold, empty and damp, i really miss your smile, even if i know i shouldnt.
6. im mostly over you.
7. im afraid a part of me will always belong to you, im more afraid that it's my best parts.
8. the last person i said i love you to was you.
9. some nights im so sleepy my eyelids become weights. i wonder if that's how it feels loving me.
(September 22, 2019)
ive always had a weird relationship with birthdays. i never understand the idea of worshipping someone for a day. on average, im sure theres about 10 million people celebrating their birthday on the same day. so in the grand scheme of things, it isnt just your day, youre not that special and therefore bithdays are pointless. if someone were really worth celebrating, you would celebrate them every morning when youre greeted by their sleeping face, every day when youre welcomed by their comforting voice, or every night when you sheild them next to you as you sleep.
you always had a weird relationship with birthdays. you shoved mine down my throat like coug...
How are you? I suppose I should start off with that. Not because I want a reason for you to continue speaking with me, because that cross road could go either way and I wouldn't mind. I ask that because I can't remember the last time I did. We always seemed to tip toe around each others emotions, as though if one existed, the other had to compete. I'm not going to say I'm over you or that I don't miss you or that some days I regret my decisions because that would be a lie and I'm in a better place now. Some days I do still think about you. I dont know if i hope you do as well or if I hope this is the first time ive crossed your mind in awhile. I do hope you're well. Like I said, I'm a better ...
I feel like those who should not be given a second thought of mine are constantly on my mind.
(IWP, Friday, September 27, 2019)
Sometimes I wonder if you are the reason I do these things to myself, if I would still be on this path, fighting this battle if I had not left you. It hurts. Sometimes I wonder if the high is worth the comedown. Other days I wonder if I develope the high to experience the comedown. I was always in love with scraping my knees after every time I fell. That could explain my love for you. You brought a damn good high, but the comedown, the aftermath brought me undeniable bliss. Maybe this is why I'm so reluctant to fall in love with someone else. I know the high may be better, but the come down not burn like you did. I still feel the sting of you on my skin.
(IWP, Friday, September 20, 2019)
I didn't plan to write about you. In fact, I'm in a fairly good mood, and I never am when you come to mind. But I pulled out my green pen and the colored ink sprawled out your name in my head. I can't get this line out of my head, this one single line I can't stop thinking about. My eyes are heavy, I wonder if that's what it's like loving me.
I see myself decades from now, penning an endless amount of poetry. One day, I'll pick up my latest line and realize it's about you. Funny how we once painted our enture futures, together, side by side. And yet 10 years from now I'll read that line and wonder where you are and what life made of you. But today I already ...
(June 26, 2017)
"It's like everything inside me is slowly fading apart. As though every ounce of determination is shattering, as though every word I read is equivalent to me slamming my head against a metal door. Every word, story I know without being shared pulls at the strings intertwined to keep me together. Scrolling through here leaves me feeling as though I lost apart of me that I didn't try to hold onto long enough. As though actions, promises i swore to have kept are as broken as the thoughts in my heart."
~~Scrolling through your social media two years after your final suicide attempt was sucessful.
(September 27, 2017)
Everytime he looked at me, his eyes would spark, and I felt alive.
I believed I was special, lucky to feel like a breath of fresh air when every new day came.
I always believed I was in love.
I usually wasn't this foolish.
Usually, I'd color carefully, inbetween the lines and all in one color, in case something managed to escape my analysis.
But I guess I left my smarts in the back of his pick up truck that night and that's why everything has gone wrong ever since.
I threw everything away that night as I stood upon my knees begging for the love he refused to give back.
I really did give him everything.
I seek happiness, companionship and accomplishment. All that and a sense of belonging.
I'm starting to feel a sense of mundanity
And as the new seasons come, and the sun sits unset
I am losing meaning to reason
With each new season comes a loss i am unable to part with
And a sadness I can't help but greet with a smile.
(9/8) I always say that I'm a generally happy person. In fact, I say it so often that the familiar line sits on the tip of my tongue daily. It's so easy to fast forward, to fall into a daily cycle and forget what it's like to stop and see everything for a minute, for once not in a blurred mixture of colors. Most of the time, Im stuck in a web ive woven for myself, that ironically will not set me free, catching me in my false facade of fake happiness. But with his hand on my thigh and the lights reflecting in the rearview mirror i never felt more lonely. The end hadnt crossed my mind for a long, long time, but the taste of ink in my mouth is running dry and im running out of words to keep this...
(IWP Tuesday, September 17, 2019)
Today feels a bit strange, and I'm not sure why. It feels as though I'm simply breezing through the motions and yet I'm still missing something. Monday is my 17th birthday. I always think of her on my birthdays. I still find it ironic how from a young age, I never saw myself getting this old or reaching milestones I have and will when in reality, she was the one who stopped. January 4th, 2015 she decided to stop anything and everything in her life. It doesn't hurt me as much now, but it'll still always sting like a popped blister. She deserved better. She would have graduated high school last year. She would have turned 18 in March. She would have been an ama...