There’s this door
On one side there is age, beauty, religion, politics, race, sexuality, society.
On the other side of this door is where I am with you.
When we are together we hold that door shut firm, hearing the noises of judgement and hatred from the other side, but never wavering in our faith in each other.
The door always opens
We always have to face the other side
But we never have to face it alone
I am here for you
When you have a bad day and knock on my door
When you climb into my bed with tears ready to fall
I hold you
When you ask for advice about things I do not know
The tables don’t turn
Not with you
You sit on the side of comfort and support
While the rest of us cling to our seats
Shouting out words to ease your pain while the stormy waters rock the rest of us under water
See, we share this boat
But you only brought a life jacket for yourself
Every time happiness creeps into my life
Even for a moment
The voices scare the light away
Leaving me in the dark
Alone with my thoughts
And never trusting the voices coming from the mouths of people I love
People I should trust
Your words are nothing
more than a mirage
Surely to lead me down some forsaken path
To trust is to be vulnerable
And that’s all I’ve ever been.
To be young and take joy in something as simple as a car ride
Windows down even though the wind is a bitter cold
Even though it smells of cow manure
We cranked up the music we don’t know the words to and let the wind cut through us
Not by blood
Not even by marriage
But by life
All my defenses disappeared when you walked in.
My words stuttered
My movements awkward
My mind a blank stare into a world where we’ve already met.
I only just met you, but I know exactly what you’re going to do to me.
What you’re going to mean to me.
What I’ll never be to you.
I’ve already imagined our entire lives together and seen it fall apart.
In a blink of an eye this stranger became my everything.
If only I could introduce myself.
I don’t remember the precise moment when everything turned upside down.
I have memories of before, and I have memories of after. Somewhere in the middle is where you’ll find me.
I don’t remember when my point of view became my point of you.
When I walk, when I talk, when I blink, when I breathe it’s all for you.
I can’t carry these heavy organs, the weight of gravity is too much, whenever you’re too far.
I don’t remember when I quit being me and started being the thing you will never know.
These words, these emotions, all for you but you’ll never know.
You may hear them, but they won’t be from these lips.
I don’t remember when I started caring.
It becomes increasingly difficult to explain the way you make me feel.
Every day, there’s something new that reminds me of you
Or more precisely
The effect you have over me
You know that feeling when you first lay down after a long day?
When you stiffen your muscles because all the pieces of you are settling
And the longer you lay there, the more you relax and let your body sink in.
Every time I see you, it’s like that initial shock of realizing how tense your body has been
When our eyes meet, my bones settle back into the places they were always meant to be
As you walk towards me my breathing slows, my body relaxes and sinks into the essence of you.
Nothing will ever feel that go...
Once in a while, I let myself feel.
I open that bottle and I shake everything out.
It spreads like chills
Starting in my chest
Covering my body
Until I’m wrapped in a blanket of my nightmares
Woven tightly together with my fears
Washed in my anxiety.
I stare at the spot on my wall with the chipped paint
And I let myself feel.
I don’t cry much anymore.
I use to cry so hard I would be sore the next day
Now I sit and think and sometimes I laugh
I use to cry because I didn’t understand why I felt this way
Now I laugh because I do.
They say actions speak volumes
Yours were slow
Soft yet powerful
You were my favorite song
My favorite quote
The only noise that could wake me from a sleep that your voice alone could lull me into.
Everything else is just background noise.
I just wish it weren’t so damn loud.
I just wish I could turn the volume up on you like before.
The radio is silent.
The cd is scratched
But the label so clear
What I wouldn’t give for one more dance to your song.
I spent an eternity crying
Looking out this window
Over this city with all its lights
Watching life pass by
I spent an eternity breaking my own heart
Watching the pieces fall from my hands
Putting them together to form new shapes
I spent an eternity wishing
For someone to save me.
You didn’t pull me away from my window of lights
You didn’t tell me I had put the pieces of my heart together wrong.
You didn’t tell me you were there to save me.
You held me right there in that window
We watched life pass by together
We traded pieces of our hearts like they were candy
Each part of you was sweeter than the last.
We spent an eternity there
Far away from the world
It’ll never happen
The things I tell myself
To get you out of my head
Off my mind
Away from my thoughts
Into the past
God help me
You’re the best and worst thing
That has ever happened to me
I can’t function with your eyes on me as you sit across the room.
Our eyes meet
We share a smile
Everything was black and white
Before I met you.
Now there are shades of the rainbow streaking across my heart
Up is down
Left is right
Stop looking at me
For the love of all that is holy
Don’t let me catch you staring
Don’t ask me to meet you after class
Don’t put your hand on my arm
Okay fine. Do it.
I went home for a while
Because that’s what’s expected of me
I go home, I play along.
The endless game of charades
Guessing what you want from me this time.
I say what I know you want to hear
One slip up could give me away
It’s more trouble than it’s worth to protest
When I’m punished for making the loner feel welcomed.
I’m hurting too
But I comforted you.
I don’t belong here
But I made sure you felt wanted.
But you never really hear.
But never about what I really want to say.
I went home for a while
But now gone.
Memories are what hold us back
Remembering a hard past
Memories are what push us forward
Stories of a better future
Every choice, every thought
Every word, every desire
Predetermined by the voice in our head
Memory being the driving force
Our paths being etched and carved as we move through life.
Made from our flesh and bones
Our very breath being forced out of our lungs because that’s what we remember.
It makes me wonder
If we ever really had a choice
Or if our paths were destined to cross, but only for a moment.
Happens for a reason.
Old habits die hard.
I catch myself staring a little too long.
Laughing a little too hard.
Knocking on your door a little too often.
It was never really put into words,
But somewhere along the way I lost you.
Suddenly you leave your door open.
When we’re in a crowded room
All I can see is you.
I know you feel my gaze as you head to the spot.
I’ve met you there a million times before.
My feet are moving before I even think twice about what’s happening.
I almost doubt that it could be true
That you would meet me here after all this time
But then I see you
Standing beneath the stars
You look up at them with that childlike wonder in your eyes.
The very thing that made m...
This all started with a glance
One look and my heart was stolen
No longer beating for me but for every breath you take.
This pain hurts just like the others. Something so familiar it must be right.
I wouldn’t trade a single moment
Not even the ones that almost killed me
I’ll take these feelings, the pain and the hunger, the love and the lust.
I’ll take it all and make you something beautiful and terrifying and messy and wonderful.
A life together would be so damn complicated.
But it would be wonderful.
Perhaps the cruelest fate
The one where I come home every day to the place we fell in love
The one where I show up just seconds after you leave
The one where we miss each other by milliseconds
And yet by a lifetime.
You’re so near I can smell your perfume still lingering by the window where you stood.
If I stand still enough, in that moment, and clear my thoughts of anything but you, I can feel you there with me.
If I hold on to that moment long enough
You’ll find your way back to me.
When I say I miss you
Don’t mistake my words
I miss the memory of how I felt when I was with you.
I miss what you use to represent.
I miss all the things that I got from our friendship
The messages before bed
The fluttering in my heart
The life returning to my dying soul.
I miss what you use to be to me but will never be again.
But I don’t miss you.
I think of you
Whenever I'm happy or sad
anxious or mad
It doesn't matter.
It's completely irrational,
maybe even mad,
but here I am.
Maybe my curse is such as we are all cursed to look at the stars.
Beautiful and fierce and inspiring, but never to touch.
You are the universe and all the stars and the moon and I am just an admiring observer.
You are a whirlwind of power, mighty and just
Yet as gentle as the rain that washes away all evidence of my presence.
You are the waves that can soothe a broken soul
The same waves that can wreck a ship lost at sea
I was lost in your eyes
You wrecked me.
You smell like Christmas.
It makes sense now that I think about it.
That’s how you make me feel,
Like when I see Christmas decorations
When I hear Christmas music playing in the mall
When the first snow falls.
That feeling when you can’t help but to smile
And you smile from the inside.
That’s how you make me feel every time you look at me.
I got drunk last night.
All the anger I had been holding in
All the little things I pretended not to notice
All the words I didn't say because I thought they were too harsh
They all came spilling out.
I got drunk last night.
I told myself I wouldn't call you but I did.
I told myself I would be happier without you, but I still cried.
I told myself I would feel the same in the morning, but I still checked my phone for a message.
I got drunk last night.
You wanted to know why I was mad, and the anger seemed to vanish.
You said you were sorry, and I forgave you.
You told me you wanted to stay, so I let you.
We got drunk last night.
The art of silent crying
I learned it young
I know the routine all too well
There are so many people I have talked down
when they were contemplating suicide.
When they had the blade in their hands,
it was my words at 3am that made them drop it.
I've thought about that a lot lately.
I will never commit suicide.
I have commitment issues, and that's way too permanent for me.
I just wish the people around me could see the broken pieces I leave behind
I wish I didn't have to spell it out to them in my tears.
Why would you assume I'm okay?
Because I said I was?
I don't remember the last time I said I was okay and meant it.
If I could fall asleep before 10, a world of problems wouldn't exist.
If I could fall asleep before that haunting time, my mind wouldn't wander into the dark abyss that it does now.
These hours of night unlock the worlds I created in my head over the years. The ones I used to escape reality. The ones a part of me has died in. The ones that are haunted now.
The only problem is, these are the hours we use to roam together.
I created a few worlds with you. These are the only remnants of the past we shared.
So I'll stay awake.
I'll walk these haunted halls.
I'll fall deeper because the darkness reminds me of you.
The scary thing about depression is that it comes in waves. You never know how long it will last, never know when you'll catch your breath, and everything seems dire. Everything builds up, and the tiniest of details can unravel an avalanche.
I bring this up not because I'm caught in one of those waves, but because I've caught my breath. After what felt like an eternity of drowning, I can breathe. I can see the light. I realize now that those things I use to stay up all night crying about are not worth it. All those times I sat in an empty parking lot thinking about killing myself, those days were all worth it.
It's scary as hell to think I was that close to never having another day like t...
I have to admit, I got comfortable. So comfortable that I took the lock off my phone. Went for a drive without my seatbelt. Left without saying goodbye.
I got comfortable leaving my heart in your hands. So comfortable that I forgot you have a tendency to drop things that are fragile.
I'm putting a lock on my phone.
Two years later, and you still make my stomach do back flips.
The time has come.
Those nights we spent in the dark with hushed voices
The endless days pretending I wasn't watching the curve of your lips, the way you rub your eyes when you're trying to explain something. Now
It's our time.
Tonight, when you lie next to me in our bed, I will remind you of all the nights we have shared.
I will remind you how beautiful you are - how loved you are.
You will never doubt even for a second how much I want you
How much I need you.
Hear my voice now as you read.
I need it.
Like an addict needs their fix
You are my drug and, baby, I plan to overdose tonight.
I want to breat...
Reminds me of you.
Songs and movies. Books and news reports.
Sometimes without warning.
Is when I feel it coming for days.
I push it down. Keep it under control.
Losing that control is like driving in the dark with no headlights.
It's like jumping into the abyss.
She asked me why I'm scared of the water.
I told her I have a fear of drowning.
I've been drowning my whole life.
And I'll be damned if that's how I die.
Reminds me of you.
All this talk about peace, but do we even remember what that's like?
Even when it is "peaceful" in our home, there's always a war being fought somewhere else.
Peace begins with us.
Each person has to make the sole decision to be a part of the solution rather than the problem.
We can unite, become one with our fellow brothers and sisters in our community, and hope that it spreads.
Hope that it reaches the dark and dusty corners of the world.
We will probably never live in a world of total peace, but we can start here.
We can start a revolution of love and acceptance.
Even when our revolution inevitably ends, it will leave its mark.
It will spark a conversation with young people of the...
It started like all modern day, teen romances.
In the summer, covered in dirt and sweat, watching a ball game.
Small talk turned into late night conversations.
"Bye" turned into "I love you".
Picking on each other turned into pointing out all the things we loved about each other.
And like all modern day, teen romances, this one ended.
It ended all of a sudden and with no explanation.
I was no longer enough.
Sometimes I reread your letters because I feel closer to you when I touch the worn paper you tore out of your journal.
I read your words, laugh at all your grammatical errors because I remember when I use to correct you, and I reminisce on how we use to be.
Love vs Hate
We use the word love to describe our affection for anything and everything, yet most of the time we hold back on saying those words to a person. "I love you".
I love your outfit. I love your new haircut. I love the color purple. I love pizza. I love that movie. I love puppies.
Love is such a powerful and amazing word, yet we blurt it out too frequently and too willingly. We use the word love more in times that we shouldn't and less in times that we should. When we should be telling teens that they are loved, we instead tell them what we love about their appearance.
Hate, on the other hand. Hate is that word that people speak in hushed voices, behind your back, and behind cl...
I haven't written about you in almost a year. We had a falling out, but that fire was never extinguished. The past four months have proved that.
I love seeing your smile. More precisely, I love being the cause of that beautiful phenomenon. Your sense of youthful humor never ceases to amaze me, how you don't care what others think, how you include everyone so they never feel excluded from the joke.
You're so damn beautiful. I can't breathe sometimes when you seek out my eyes in a crowded room. Every time I hear your voice I listen for my name. I love the way it sounds on your lips.
While we're on the subject of things I love about your face, your eyes. Oh my god, your eyes. I try t...