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PO# 516010
United States
United States
Always? Always.
August 25, 2017
 

The art of silent crying
I learned it young

Closed doors
Thick walls
Loud music

I know the routine all too well
There are so many people I have talked down
when they were contemplating suicide.
When they had the blade in their hands,
it was my words at 3am that made them drop it.

I've thought about that a lot lately.
I will never commit suicide.
I have commitment issues, and that's way too permanent for me.

I just wish the people around me could see the broken pieces I leave behind
I wish I didn't have to spell it out to them in my tears.
Why would you assume I'm okay?
Because I said I was?

I don't remember the last time I said I was okay and meant it.

But that'...

ORIGINAL
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August 10, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

If I could fall asleep before 10, a world of problems wouldn't exist.
If I could fall asleep before that haunting time, my mind wouldn't wander into the dark abyss that it does now.
These hours of night unlock the worlds I created in my head over the years. The ones I used to escape reality. The ones a part of me has died in. The ones that are haunted now.
The only problem is, these are the hours we use to roam together.
I created a few worlds with you. These are the only remnants of the past we shared.
So I'll stay awake.
I'll walk these haunted halls.
I'll fall deeper because the darkness reminds me of you.

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LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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July 6, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

The scary thing about depression is that it comes in waves. You never know how long it will last, never know when you'll catch your breath, and everything seems dire. Everything builds up, and the tiniest of details can unravel an avalanche.

I bring this up not because I'm caught in one of those waves, but because I've caught my breath. After what felt like an eternity of drowning, I can breathe. I can see the light. I realize now that those things I use to stay up all night crying about are not worth it. All those times I sat in an empty parking lot thinking about killing myself, those days were all worth it.

It's scary as hell to think I was that close to never having another day like t...

DAY OF TRUTH
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July 6, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

I have to admit, I got comfortable. So comfortable that I took the lock off my phone. Went for a drive without my seatbelt. Left without saying goodbye.

I got comfortable leaving my heart in your hands. So comfortable that I forgot you have a tendency to drop things that are fragile.

I'm putting a lock on my phone.

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DAY OF TRUTH
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February 22, 2016
 

Two years later, and you still make my stomach do back flips.
The time has come.
Those nights we spent in the dark with hushed voices
The endless days pretending I wasn't watching the curve of your lips, the way you rub your eyes when you're trying to explain something. Now
It's our time.
Tonight, when you lie next to me in our bed, I will remind you of all the nights we have shared.
I will remind you how beautiful you are - how loved you are.
You will never doubt even for a second how much I want you
How much I need you.
Hear my voice now as you read.
I
Want
All
Of you.
I need it.
Like an addict needs their fix
You are my drug and, baby, I plan to overdose tonight.
I want to breat...

TO THE LIGHT
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June 13, 2017
 

Everything
Reminds me of you.
Songs and movies. Books and news reports.
Sometimes without warning.
The worst
Is when I feel it coming for days.
I push it down. Keep it under control.
Losing that control is like driving in the dark with no headlights.
It's like jumping into the abyss.
She asked me why I'm scared of the water.
I told her I have a fear of drowning.
The truth
I've been drowning my whole life.
And I'll be damned if that's how I die.
Everything
Reminds me of you.

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ASPHALT GREY
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June 5, 2017
Marietta, United States

All this talk about peace, but do we even remember what that's like?
Even when it is "peaceful" in our home, there's always a war being fought somewhere else.
Peace begins with us.
Each person has to make the sole decision to be a part of the solution rather than the problem.
We can unite, become one with our fellow brothers and sisters in our community, and hope that it spreads.
Hope that it reaches the dark and dusty corners of the world.
We will probably never live in a world of total peace, but we can start here.
We can start a revolution of love and acceptance.
Even when our revolution inevitably ends, it will leave its mark.
It will spark a conversation with young people of the...

WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY
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May 25, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

It started like all modern day, teen romances.
In the summer, covered in dirt and sweat, watching a ball game.
Small talk turned into late night conversations.
"Bye" turned into "I love you".
Picking on each other turned into pointing out all the things we loved about each other.
And like all modern day, teen romances, this one ended.
It ended all of a sudden and with no explanation.
You changed.
I was no longer enough.
Sometimes I reread your letters because I feel closer to you when I touch the worn paper you tore out of your journal.
I read your words, laugh at all your grammatical errors because I remember when I use to correct you, and I reminisce on how we use to be.
You told...

FREEDOM FOR EVERYONE
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April 24, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

Love vs Hate
We use the word love to describe our affection for anything and everything, yet most of the time we hold back on saying those words to a person. "I love you".

I love your outfit. I love your new haircut. I love the color purple. I love pizza. I love that movie. I love puppies.

Love is such a powerful and amazing word, yet we blurt it out too frequently and too willingly. We use the word love more in times that we shouldn't and less in times that we should. When we should be telling teens that they are loved, we instead tell them what we love about their appearance.

Hate, on the other hand. Hate is that word that people speak in hushed voices, behind your back, and behind cl...

LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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April 21, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

Love,
I haven't written about you in almost a year. We had a falling out, but that fire was never extinguished. The past four months have proved that.

I love seeing your smile. More precisely, I love being the cause of that beautiful phenomenon. Your sense of youthful humor never ceases to amaze me, how you don't care what others think, how you include everyone so they never feel excluded from the joke.

You're so damn beautiful. I can't breathe sometimes when you seek out my eyes in a crowded room. Every time I hear your voice I listen for my name. I love the way it sounds on your lips.

While we're on the subject of things I love about your face, your eyes. Oh my god, your eyes. I try t...

ASPHALT GREY
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January 21, 2017
 

I'm walking away.
I'm so completely in love with you, but
I'm walking away.
I would do anything for you even give my life to you, but
I'm walking away.
Not because I don't love you, but because I love myself just enough to stop giving more than I have left to give to someone who won't even take a chance on me.

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STRIPE ME A LOGO
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April 21, 2017
 

      This rain wets my hair, it runs down my face, smearing my mascara, soaks my clothes, fills my shoes, seeps into the earth like it seeps into my very bones- not only sustaining life but fueling my mind to push on another day.

      This world was beautiful, new and exciting. It was full of adventures and stories yet to be told, treasures yet to be found. It held promises of a brighter future, a better tomorrow, greater times yet to come.

      Everything seemed so much brighter, greener, when you came into my life. The world seemed promising yet again. I had hope for a brighter future, a better tomorrow, greater time yet to come. Now these tears run down my face and smear my mascara ...

EARTH DAY
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September 19, 2016
 

I feel guilty.

For almost a year, I obsessed over you. I wrote about you everyday, thought about you every night.

Now it's her.
She took the place where you once stood.

But today; today I saw you, and all those feelings came flooding back. We haven't spoken much since everything happened, but today felt almost normal.

Looking at you, and looking at her, they are completely different feelings. Both strong and oh so passionate. Yet different.

You were what I needed then.
She's what I need now.

Will you be what I need again?

ORIGINAL
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April 13, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

The rain makes me think of you.
How it can be peaceful yet disruptive.
Comforting yet terrifying.
I keep ignoring your messages, but ignoring you is like ignoring an itch.
It feels so damn good to scratch it, ease that desire, but it leaves a scar.
Doesn't matter.
I'll scratch every time.
The rain makes me think of you.
The way that it's beautiful and powerful.
Pure and cleansing.  
There's joy and pain in the same breath.
You can't have one without the other with you.
You hurt me in the best way.
Because love hurts.
That's what they've always told us.
But what they didn't tell us, was that it's okay.
Loving you, even though it hurts more than anything in this world, is okay.
...

STRIPE ME A LOGO
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April 12, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

You
You make me want to fall in love
You make me want to dance in the middle of a crowded room
You make me want to get out of bed everyday
You make me want to take pictures of the sky so I never forget where I'm from- where we're from.
You make me smile at that one thing you said that one day that no one will understand but I'll never forget.
You were the best thing to ever happen to me.
It's hurts like hell now
I can feel my heart breaking in ways that I didn't know it could
But for you?
I'd do it all over again.
I'd fall in love with you every time, knowing that it's going to hurt so damn much.
Because the joy you brought into my life outweighs the pain.
You didn't love me the way I...

LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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April 10, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

When I look around at all the amazing things God created
I can't help but to stop and take it all in.
The mountains that tower above our heads
Nearly touching the heavens.
The blue skies with cotton candy clouds
Allowing the sun to kiss your skin
The wind to toss your hair

You were my mountain
I looked up to you as if you would always be greater than me
You were my blue skies, my sunny day
I opened the window of my soul to let you in

Now these mountains are crumbling
Thunder is rolling
I haven't seen the sun in months

You were all the color I ever needed.
All the color I had left
Now it's just shades of gray
Smudges of charcoal

For now I wear my sunglasses
To hide the tears, not to sh...

LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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April 8, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

I can't wait to be an adult.
Not because I think it will be fun
Not because I have any illusions that adulthood is a piece of cake.
When you're an adult, people don't call you a loner.
They call you ambitious.
They say you're focused on your career, on your future.
See, I'm already there mentally.
But when you're a teenager, they see these as signs of depression.
My depression has nothing to do with it.
Then again
Maybe it has everything to do with everything.
They call me outgoing, spirited, optimistic, and friendly.
Little do they know I need to recover for a few hours after putting on that show.
Because if tears were money I'd be rich.
If heartache was joy then I'd be content. ...

LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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February 1, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

I think the most beautiful thing to listen to is someone talking about something they're passionate about. I could listen to that all day. You went to Jamaica with your Missionaries at church? Tell me about it. That book you're reading made you see life in a new perspective? Tell me about it. You heard a song yesterday that made you cry? Tell me about it. I will never stop falling in love with the sound of someone who is in love with something. Not your phone, not your game console, but something that will last centuries; those are the things that matter. Please don't stop bragging about something you love. The world needs your positivity now more than ever.

LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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January 28, 2017
Tecumseh, United States

Whenever I hear someone laugh as though they just discovered that they could, I think of you.

Whenever you reply to my message, I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I sing along to a song I didn't think I knew the words to, then I realize you use to sing it.

I sometimes wonder why I'm still trying to find the positive side of this life, then I remember.

You. You're the reason the days seem short and the nights seem long. You're the reason I can't give up on this disastrous world.

God gave you to the world because you make it a better place.

I'm sorry I never told you.

I'm sorry you didn't know.

I'm sorry it took this long.

Now you know.

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LETTRS BLACK AND WHITE
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December 19, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

It's selfish of me to pretend that my life is all darkness and pain. When all hope seemed lost, I met the love of my life. I don't know how I know she's the one, but I do. She's perfect. There's only one problem, I'm not the one for her. We started this friendship not knowing where it would end up; now I don't know which ways up, which ways down, what's right, and what's wrong. All I know is she's the reason for the only true happiness I've felt in a very long time. And it's almost over. I'll be gone, and she'll move on. Life sucks, and love is cruel, but it's what we live for- right?

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ORIGINAL
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December 19, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

Shut it off
Turn out the lights
Slip under the covers
Close your eyes
Slow your breathing
Let the numbness settle in
Emotions are overrated
Feelings- absurd
This nightmare- soon over
Only let the darkness in so far
Then shut it off
Push it down
Lock it away
Until tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow

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ORIGINAL
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December 13, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

Today is court day.
Maybe I should be there; he was my brother after all.
I just don't want to sit there with my family while they hope to God another mans life is ruined.
I want him to spend his life in prison.
They want him to spend his life in hell.
I just want this to be over.
None of this is how he should be remembered.
I just want this to be over.

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ORIGINAL
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October 4, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

One day, soon, I will no longer be an athlete.
I will not be apart of this team.
I will not be held responsible for showing up on time, grabbing equipment, putting in the time and effort to become successful as a team.
I will not see all of your faces everyday from 2-4.
I will not ride back from a game with you at 10 o'clock at night.
I will not have these memories with anyone else ever again.
Because this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
To my team, my friends, my family on and off the field, thank you for a great first semester of senior year. ❤️

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TENNIS
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September 30, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

It feels like I'm drowning.
I've kept all these emotions at bay for so long
And now they are pouring out of me
Threatening to overcome me.

It feels like I'm drowning.
I thought it would be safer to go at this alone
But now there's no one to save me from myself.

I might be drowning
But I can see so much clearer from down below.

Yeah
I might be drowning
But damn this view is amazing.

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ORIGINAL
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September 21, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

I tied a noose around my neck.

Loose enough that I can breathe.

When you walked in and saw me hanging there

You asked me if I was ready to eat.

I nod my head and follow you to the dining room.

I fix my plate and loosen the grip just long enough to enjoy my meal.

Then I go back to my room, turn up the music, tighten the noose.

This noose is invisible.
It reminds me that I am in control.
At any moment, I could jump off this stool into the sweet embrace of darkness.

This noose is more of a leash.

Reminding my brain that I still have the reins.
Reminding myself that I am not a slave to my emotions.

This noose is more of a leash.

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ORIGINAL
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September 19, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

Why do I write?

To feel
To create
To be

I've hid behind witty comments and sarcastic responses for most of my life.

Talking about my feelings has never been something I was good at.

I've built this reputation for being happy all the time, making others laugh, and generally brightening up a room. I'm not bragging, I swear. This is just a mask. This is my shield, my curtain, my escape. I'm terrified that someone one day might see the real me and run. No body really knows me unless they see my writing.

Writing is my counseling, my comfort, my companion.

Writing is the only way I feel comfortable being me.

Writing is the only way I feel like myself.

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ILLUSION OF DEPTH
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August 27, 2016
Tecumseh, United States

There's a woman.
She's beautiful in every sense of the word.
Her mind, body, heart, and soul.
In her presence, you can feel that she is a Christian woman.
She was beautiful when I met her,
Even more beautiful on her wedding day,
And now she's a mother.
Every photo of her holding her child
Is beautiful enough to make me want to sob.
It's plain to see that she was meant to be a wife and mother.
She has spent years of praying
And practicing being patient with the Lord.
Now she's married to her soulmate with a beautiful baby boy.
There's a woman.
She is an example.
She has shown how the Almighty works.
She showed such patience and understanding,
And God answered her prayers.
There's...

ORIGINAL
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July 20, 2016
 

Dear Mom and Dad,

Do you know how strong I've been?
Do you know how hard it was to keep a smile on my face so that you wouldn't have to worry?
Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep?
Do you know how many times I locked myself in the bathroom to cry?
After all these years, I finally realize that I wasn't being strong for me.
I was being strong for you!
I didn't want to let you see how weak your daughter was, so I made a new one.
This daughter is strong.
This daughter won't break.
I'm numb after the years of hiding, but that's okay.
When I'm numb, that just means I can't feel the pain
Do you know how hurt I've been?
How could you not tell the difference between the broken me, t...

DARK ASH GREY
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July 20, 2016
 

Dear Lettrs community,

      I'm almost in tears reading the comments and seeing how many people liked my letter. You have no idea how long I've been ashamed of the darkness inside of me, how long I've been hiding it so that others wouldn't question me. But here I write the truth, the real me, and I get praise.

     For the first time, I feel accepted.

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ORIGINAL
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July 19, 2016
 

When I wrote my first letter, I wasn't okay.
When I wrote my first letter, I felt alone.
When I wrote my first letter, I was almost too far gone.
I started to write because I needed to tell someone how I felt. Someone far away enough that it wouldn't feel real. I can't tell anyone I know. It's just too much. I've gone this long, I can't turn back now.
I write for me. I write to make other realities, better than this one, come to life. The realms of the impossible, the unknown. The ones where I can be me. The real me that was almost smothered into oblivion.
Writing keeps me alive.
Writing keeps me, Me.

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ASPHALT GREY
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