|24 👑 | Mommy of✌️baby boys | Gods baby girl 😇 | Proverbs 46:5 🙏|
They start by painting this pretty little picture of how things will be if you do one little something for them.
They become your best friend within seconds and start play you like a piece in a game.
They act like they care about you and want the best for you.
They tell you little secrets and things you didn’t know to play the part.
They include you in things that they usually wouldn’t.
Then they ask you to do that little thing they think will only benefit them.
But then you start feeling used and hurt. You feel like you never a even meant anything to them.
Like they just wanted to have what you have, and get what they want and then throw you to the side after they get it.
Today I did something I promised myself and kids I wouldn’t do.
Today I made a hard decision, a decision that was purely to help me get back on track.
It was the hardest decision that I’ve had to make in a long time.
I had to take a break, a break from pretty much everything.
I realized after a long exhausting week that I’m not okay.
Physically, Mentally, and emotionally.... I’m a total wreck.
I’m falling apart from the inside out.
I feel unappreciated,
I feel lonely,
I feel lost,
I feel overwhelmed,
I feel used,
I feel unloved,
I feel broken.
I don’t think anyone quiet understands.
I may have my life together on the outside but on the inside I’m a total mess.
I feel ...
You can’t choose which part of her you love. Even in all the ugly moments, she should still be the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. People are not perfect, they have flaws. You don’t get to choose which ones to leave out. That’s not honest love.
- Courtney Peppernell
In the last 3 months I’ve began to rewatch the entire series of Grays Anatomy.
In those last three months I’ve found myself relating more and more to the main character Meredith Gray.
In the beginning of the series she meets Derek Shepard who was a married man who she begins a relationship with.
She fights hard to become a surgeon. She literally does everything possible to get where she has always dreamt of being.
She went through everything, a bomb, a shooting, losing friends and family, losing her child, and almost losing custody rights to her baby girl.
She went through the good the bad and the ugly! She went through it all with only good intentions.
Im more like her than I ori...
You know when something is off.
You know when something is wrong.
It’s in instinct.
It’s a gut feeling.
You know when something is about to happen.
For me, I get a bad feelings days before something happens.
It’s like my stomach is in knots and there’s nothing that can’t help until the time comes when something happens.
For the last two days I’ve stayed home, I’ve played it safe.
For the last two days I relaxed and enjoyed life and followed my gut instinct.
Today my brother pasted out, this is the same brother who had emergency surgery last week. The same brother who got hit while he was on his motorcycle.
I also learned that my uncle has gotten worst, so bad that they are ...
They say things happen in three’s. I never wanted to believe it but looking at my life lately it seems to be true...
My baby brother got into a motorcycle accident and broke two ribs, had to have emergency surgery on his spleen.
My great uncle found out he has stage 4 stomach cancer and his lungs and kidneys were filling up with both blood and fluid.
And then there’s my situation that I’m not going to go in to detail about..
There’s always those positives that help you get through those painful moments though...
Like my team lead interview I had and got some positive feedback from, which has my anxiety going crazy excited to find out if I got the position.
There’s the fact the my...
In the last two days everything has fell into place.
I see a future that doesn’t just hold me and my sons.
I see a smile on my face that isn’t forced.
I feel loved and completed.
I feel myself, because when your complete your complete.
These last couple of days have been perfect!
I’m learning that I have a good heart.
That everything I do I have good intentions.
That I’ve been used, abused, and broken so much.
That people took advantage of me.
I’m learning that I’m gullible and sometimes naive.
Everything I do has good intentions, I can promise you that.
But this feeling I get after I do something for someone and know they don’t appreciate it sucks!
Knowing that there’s this chance they could have been just using me.... sucks!
Knowing that they could careless about me, they are only focused on benefiting from me... sucks!
I’m a good person, whether you see that part of me or not... I am.
There’s always someone who doesn’t like you, just because. Th...
“I already heard your side of the story - hear mine,
I'm gonna tell you why cause you changed when you got doenananana no you listen
I remember like yesterday the very day I met you,
You was lookin fly I was acting shy so when you walked on by
I ignored you but then you turned around and asked me my name in an instant
My attitude changed swept me off my feet you were so sweet full of comedy
You amused me gave you my number next day you called asking if you can see me
So I said alright you can stop on by it gave me butterflies,
30 minutes knock knock its you I'm glad to see you but I keep my cool from day one
I fell in love with you but now I ask myself who are you.
I swear this guy has me head over heels!
He makes me smile constantly!
He gives me butterflies!
He has goals, and dreams... which are similar to mine!
He understands my past and understand I’ve been through hell and back!
He treats me like a Queen.
He understand that my boys are who I am and everything I’m supposed to be.
He gets along with my family, my cousins, my grandma!
He accepts me as I am.
His date nights consist of Disney movies and two munchkins.
He’s my tequila and I’m his whiskey as he says!
I’ve literally trusted him with my soul and I’m praying to God he doesn’t leave my side.
Today I woke up late...
I threw on the closest clothes I could find and sped to work.
I knew it was gonna be a long day.. and a bad one at that because of how it started.
But what I didn’t think about was how last night ended...
You see, after school I took a detour.
I stopped and caught up with this guy I’ve been crushing on for a while.
He made me smile and seemed to know exactly what to say.
We spent two hours sitting in my car, looking at the stars and just talking.
The feeling he gives me is something I haven’t felt in SO long.
I woke up late today because I was with him most the night.
I woke up late today because I didn’t want to let go of the time we spent talking. ...
When I say “I’m done with the disrespect”
That’s exactly what I mean.
I’ll drop anyone in the matter of seconds if I’m disrespected..
I work WAY too hard, I do WAY too much for people, I refuse to be disrespected but them.
It’s been over 8 years that I’ve been on my own, 5 of which I’ve been on my own with a baby or 2.
I didn’t need anyone then, and I don’t need anyone now. I’ve got me and mine.
I told my parents the same thing today, I will not be disrespected. I refuse to be... I will block, delete, ignore and forget about you.
Call me heartless, hateful, evil, mean etc. but a person can only take so much and it’s been way to much lately!
My life is on the right track!
How do I open up?
How do I allow someone into my life.
In to my heart?
I need help....
I wanna open up.
I wanna get to know him.
I wanna let him in and give him every bit of myself.
I wanna... but I can’t... my gut keeps telling me “no, back away! You’ve been down this road before. Don’t let him hurt you!”
I just wanna let go of my past and move on to this great guy! 😩
I tried my best to just let it go.
To let him do him.
To just be civil and understanding.
But I’m to the point now where.... when does he have to be a father to his two sons?
When does he have to be the bad guy, cause the kids want candy 2 seconds after they brush their teeth and are getting into bed?
When does he have to teach them that it’s rude to interrupt someone when they are talking, or not to be in the kitchen when grown folks are cooking or talking?
When does he have to talk to them about sharing and loving each other.
When does he have to show them that lying and disrespect isn’t how polite boys act?
When does he get to take some responsibility?
I didn’t create thi...
“Yea, oh why why? You didnt have to leave me baby...
I called you today, no one picked up the phone.
As fast as I could girl I ran to your home.
When I arrived, to my surprise you were gone (ooh baby).
Your neighbor informed me that you moved away.
How could you not tell me and leave me this way.
With no good-bye's, and crying eyes, I wish you would have stayed.
So I count every second, I count every minute that you are away from me, I just can't take it.
Ooh why, can't I, get with you. [repeat 1 time]
Things won't be the same, there's no me without you.
For the rest of my life I'll be searching for you.
Oh my first love, don't know how much, I'll miss you.
I’m learning that I didn’t get this far in my life cause I had support from people.
Because I had a system.
Because I was “blessed” with a family that had money.
Because my parents gave me everything I wanted.
Today a guy I’m training at work said “How did you get your SUV?” I said “I paid $9,000 for it from a car lot in Chicago” he said “you just went in and through $9,000 down and drove off?” I said “Yes, it took a lot of saving and some of my taxes, but yes! I own my car.” He couldn’t believe I did it.
Today I realized that tomorrow I get to go to school and receive my diploma (well pick it up).
Today I also realized that not ONE person was behind me when I wanted to pay my deb...
What did I ever do?
What did I ever do to deserve this?
Why do I always do these things?
What did I do to deserve this?
To be a single mother?
To be cheated on?
To be lied to?
To be hurt and broken?
To be humiliated?
To be played MULTIPLE times.
To be stabbed in the back?
What did I do?
Today I’ve cried three times,
Yesterday a few too!
I thought I was ready for this!
I thought I was brave enough for this.
But I’m not..
Both of my kids will be in school soon.
I’m not ready to let go, they don’t even ask for help anymore.
It’s mommy “I can do it”
I promise these are tears of joy, maybe a couple sad tears as well.
I know they will live school, my oldest already does.
But my sweet Ayden Bug, my little separation anxiety baby boy!
He has grown so much and has over come his anxiety and is ready to go!
Why is this so hard for me?
All I did was turn in their applications!
Sunday’s are my favorite!
Sunday’s I put music on I clean the entire apartment from top to bottom.
The walls, floors, ceiling fans, everything.
I know it’s weird and sorta crazy... but cleaning helps me relax and get my mind back in order. Helps me prepare for the next week.
Today I had a movie date with my boys this morning, then we went grocery shopping, and now we are home, I’m cleaning and the boys are riding bikes outside.
Sunday’s are so peaceful.
Even got my laundry down for the week all before noon!
Today I did what almost every student does at least once...
I wrote a 4 page paper on a book I didn’t even touch... I bought but never read.
This past week has kicked me in the butt LITERALLY!
I can’t believe I just successfully wrote that paper. I feel bad because I’ve NEVER done this before but... it’s been a rough week at work, and I’m just off or burnt out.
I got myself together and I’m praying I’ll never have to do that again.
On my way, chasing my dreams!
Tonight in class I talked about my future.
I told them about how I wanted to have 3 more kids. Total of 5, and how I already have names picked out. All boys of course; Ashton, Aaron, Alaric with middle names of; Ezra, Fletcher, Greyson!
I told them all about the house I want to buy and the location and how I’ve heard it’s such a friendly living environment.
I told them about my plans of graduating with my bachelors, masters, and maybe even PhD’s.
I told them about my image of a Husband.
I told them about almost every dream I have.
My cultural grab bag is stuffed of things I’m excited to achieve!
Tonight I’m filled with emotions...
You see that’s what happens when you watch O’Malley die, Alex caring for issy, and Derek getting shot all in one night.
It’s amazing how my emotions are running in so many directions.
But what I got out of all of these random episodes I chose is this...
I don’t want to die alone.
My guy friends are truly the best.
I want my husband to only have eyes for me.
I want to raise my sons to be ones who save strangers. Boys with loving hearts!
And I don’t want to be afraid.
Grey’s Anatomy has me all over the place tonight... but mostly in tears..
Ps. Alex Karev sisters name is Amber Karev!
I’ve watched men walk out of my life like there was nothin to it.
I’ve watched them walk out the door and jump into the car with another.
I’ve watched them kiss another in front of me.
I’ve watched them drive away waving.
I’ve watched them put me last.
I’ve watched them cheat and lie to my face.
But most importantly I’ve watched them destroy me inside out.
I’ve seen it all happen right in front of me.
I’ve watched them use me until I had nothing left.
I’ve watched them make me feel like I wasn’t worth the dirt on their shoe.
I’ve watched them celebrate my failures.
I’ve watched them jump in bed with another.
To those men.. you ruined me..
To those men... I’ll never b...
Today I’m sick, worst today than the last few days.
I woke up and ran straight to the bathroom. My sons holding my hair and asking me if I’m okay.
I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.
Puking and feeling nauseous can be over now!
I’m done. I quit!
I just wanna go back to bed and wake up feeling better!
I demand to feel better!
Ugh, this sucks!
I hate being sick!
“Our people are dying slowly everyday
The enemy's trying attacking every way he can
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
You see in this generation, materialistics
Swallow the minds of these innocent children, yeah
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
Oh, you see the fame and the drugs
The money, the lust, the violence, the hatred
We must bleed the blood of Jesus
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
Oh and I say Devil you can't have my mind
(Devil you can't have my mind)
Devil you can't have my soul
(Devil you can't have my soul)
I belong to God and I'm fighting you off
With the power of the Holy Ghost
I say Devil you can't have my mind, no!
Devil you can't have my sou...