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Am Bam πŸ‘‘ 😘

PO# 624612
United States
United States
24 πŸ‘‘ | Mommy of✌️baby boys | Gods baby girl πŸ˜‡ | Proverbs 46:5 πŸ™
June 15, 2019
Janesville, United States

How do I open up?
How do I allow someone into my life.
In to my heart?

I need help....

I wanna open up.
I wanna get to know him.
I wanna let him in and give him every bit of myself.

I wanna... but I can’t... my gut keeps telling me β€œno, back away! You’ve been down this road before. Don’t let him hurt you!”

I just wanna let go of my past and move on to this great guy! 😩

June 12, 2019
Janesville, United States

I tried my best to just let it go.

To let him do him.

To just be civil and understanding.

But I’m to the point now where.... when does he have to be a father to his two sons?

When does he have to be the bad guy, cause the kids want candy 2 seconds after they brush their teeth and are getting into bed?

When does he have to teach them that it’s rude to interrupt someone when they are talking, or not to be in the kitchen when grown folks are cooking or talking?

When does he have to talk to them about sharing and loving each other.

When does he have to show them that lying and disrespect isn’t how polite boys act?

When does he get to take some responsibility?

I didn’t create thi...

June 12, 2019
Beloit, United States

β€œYea, oh why why? You didnt have to leave me baby...

[VERSE 1:]
I called you today, no one picked up the phone.
As fast as I could girl I ran to your home.
When I arrived, to my surprise you were gone (ooh baby).
Your neighbor informed me that you moved away.
How could you not tell me and leave me this way.
With no good-bye's, and crying eyes, I wish you would have stayed.

So I count every second, I count every minute that you are away from me, I just can't take it.
Ooh why, can't I, get with you. [repeat 1 time]

[VERSE 2:]
Things won't be the same, there's no me without you.
For the rest of my life I'll be searching for you.
Oh my first love, don't know how much, I'll miss you.

June 5, 2019
Janesville, United States

I’m learning that I didn’t get this far in my life cause I had support from people.

Because I had a system.

Because I was β€œblessed” with a family that had money.

Because my parents gave me everything I wanted.

Today a guy I’m training at work said β€œHow did you get your SUV?” I said β€œI paid $9,000 for it from a car lot in Chicago” he said β€œyou just went in and through $9,000 down and drove off?” I said β€œYes, it took a lot of saving and some of my taxes, but yes! I own my car.” He couldn’t believe I did it.

Today I realized that tomorrow I get to go to school and receive my diploma (well pick it up).

Today I also realized that not ONE person was behind me when I wanted to pay my deb...

June 4, 2019
Janesville, United States

What did I ever do?

What did I ever do to deserve this?

I’m a...

Single momma.

Hard worker.

Collect student.

Amazing sister.

Strong woman.

Why do I always do these things?

What did I do to deserve this?

To be a single mother?

To be cheated on?

To be lied to?

To be hurt and broken?

To be humiliated?

To be played MULTIPLE times.

To be stabbed in the back?

What did I do?

June 3, 2019
Beloit, United States

Today I’ve cried three times,

Yesterday a few too!

I thought I was ready for this!

I thought I was brave enough for this.

But I’m not..

Both of my kids will be in school soon.

I’m not ready to let go, they don’t even ask for help anymore.

It’s mommy β€œI can do it”

I promise these are tears of joy, maybe a couple sad tears as well.

I know they will live school, my oldest already does.

But my sweet Ayden Bug, my little separation anxiety baby boy!

He has grown so much and has over come his anxiety and is ready to go!

Why is this so hard for me?

All I did was turn in their applications!

June 2, 2019
Janesville, United States

Sunday’s are my favorite!

Sunday’s I put music on I clean the entire apartment from top to bottom.

The walls, floors, ceiling fans, everything.

I know it’s weird and sorta crazy... but cleaning helps me relax and get my mind back in order. Helps me prepare for the next week.

Today I had a movie date with my boys this morning, then we went grocery shopping, and now we are home, I’m cleaning and the boys are riding bikes outside.

Sunday’s are so peaceful.

Even got my laundry down for the week all before noon!

May 31, 2019
Janesville, United States

Today I did what almost every student does at least once...

I wrote a 4 page paper on a book I didn’t even touch... I bought but never read.

This past week has kicked me in the butt LITERALLY!

I can’t believe I just successfully wrote that paper. I feel bad because I’ve NEVER done this before but... it’s been a rough week at work, and I’m just off or burnt out.

I got myself together and I’m praying I’ll never have to do that again.

On my way, chasing my dreams!

May 30, 2019
Janesville, United States

Tonight in class I talked about my future.

I told them about how I wanted to have 3 more kids. Total of 5, and how I already have names picked out. All boys of course; Ashton, Aaron, Alaric with middle names of; Ezra, Fletcher, Greyson!

I told them all about the house I want to buy and the location and how I’ve heard it’s such a friendly living environment.

I told them about my plans of graduating with my bachelors, masters, and maybe even PhD’s.

I told them about my image of a Husband.

I told them about almost every dream I have.

My cultural grab bag is stuffed of things I’m excited to achieve!

May 29, 2019
Janesville, United States

Tonight I’m filled with emotions...

You see that’s what happens when you watch O’Malley die, Alex caring for issy, and Derek getting shot all in one night.

It’s amazing how my emotions are running in so many directions.

But what I got out of all of these random episodes I chose is this...

I don’t want to die alone.

My guy friends are truly the best.

I want my husband to only have eyes for me.

I want to raise my sons to be ones who save strangers. Boys with loving hearts!

And I don’t want to be afraid.

Grey’s Anatomy has me all over the place tonight... but mostly in tears..

Ps. Alex Karev sisters name is Amber Karev!

May 29, 2019
Janesville, United States

I’ve watched men walk out of my life like there was nothin to it.

I’ve watched them walk out the door and jump into the car with another.

I’ve watched them kiss another in front of me.

I’ve watched them drive away waving.

I’ve watched them put me last.

I’ve watched them cheat and lie to my face.

But most importantly I’ve watched them destroy me inside out.

I’ve seen it all happen right in front of me.

I’ve watched them use me until I had nothing left.

I’ve watched them make me feel like I wasn’t worth the dirt on their shoe.

I’ve watched them celebrate my failures.

I’ve watched them jump in bed with another.

To those men.. you ruined me..

To those men... I’ll never b...

May 28, 2019
Beloit, United States

Today I’m sick, worst today than the last few days.

I woke up and ran straight to the bathroom. My sons holding my hair and asking me if I’m okay.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.

Puking and feeling nauseous can be over now!

I’m done. I quit!

I just wanna go back to bed and wake up feeling better!

I demand to feel better!

Ugh, this sucks!

I hate being sick!

May 27, 2019
Beloit, United States

β€œOur people are dying slowly everyday
The enemy's trying attacking every way he can
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
You see in this generation, materialistics
Swallow the minds of these innocent children, yeah
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
Oh, you see the fame and the drugs
The money, the lust, the violence, the hatred
We must bleed the blood of Jesus
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
We gotta fight
Oh and I say Devil you can't have my mind
(Devil you can't have my mind)
Devil you can't have my soul
(Devil you can't have my soul)
I belong to God and I'm fighting you off
With the power of the Holy Ghost
I say Devil you can't have my mind, no!
Devil you can't have my sou...

May 25, 2019
Janesville, United States

I’ve always pictured how the man I would call β€œmy husband” one day would propose to me.

I used to want my kids to be involved.

I used to want them to be apart of that special moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

There was a point in time I truly believed that I would never get married that I wasn’t good enough, that no man would want a woman like me..

A woman who was β€œtoo independent”, β€œtoo strong”, β€œresilient”, β€œcontrolling”, β€œtoo used to being single!”

But I’m sitting here watching this romantic movie, realizing that I just want him to roll over in the middle of the night and look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me.. with a long pause to end with β€œmarry me”

I ...

May 20, 2019
Janesville, United States

I’m getting super excited about buying a house.

On the car ride home I tell my boys β€œmommy is gonna buy us a pretty home soon, what you guys think?”

And my oldest son says β€œmom we have to have one with a BIG chimney with a fireplace so Santa can come!”

My youngest son chimes in saying β€œwith a slide!”

I seriously can not wait to show my boys just what their momma is made of.

I can’t wait to buy a house and be able to raise my boys in their forever home!

Every house we pasted after our little conversation they said β€œwe are gonna buy that pretty house okay mom!”

They told me their wishlist and I promised them mommy would make it happen!

In less than 6 months this girl will be a ho...

May 19, 2019
Janesville, United States

Today I narrowed down my search, while looking through the β€œhome buying” apps.

I’ve been able to narrow down the top 3 locations I would want to look into when I finally go to buy a house.

I’m looking at the neighborhood, the crime rate, the schools rating... etc.

Durand, IL, Machesney Park, IL, and Candlewick, IL are just the top 3 I have a couple other locations in mind as well.

I know I want a 4 bedroom, 2-3 bath, a completed basement, and a huge fenced in backyard. I want a two car garage, and a patio/ deck!

I have this image of my house and while I’ve been looking though the for sale apps I’ve gotten a pretty good idea price wise.

2020 is going to be the year I buy my first ho...

May 17, 2019

β€œOh na na
Ain't gone lie girl I can't front, girl I'm so proud of you
You kept it together girl after, all that shyt you been thru
Look at you now, good job bout to graduate school
If nobody notice the work you put in, shawty just Kno that I do
Kno shyt was unexpected but it made you better,
Girl ain't no time to cry bout what you could've done better
Nobody's perfect, but you Neva quit, I want you to own that shyt
I see you working, now you on yo shyt
Baby you deserve it now
I got you, if you promise you got me, girl you worth being honest too
Bring out the best in you
You gotta kno, your all I want
Oh na

Pull up on you, to let you Kno
Baby your a blessing, you just gotta kno yo value
You a...

May 14, 2019
Janesville, United States

β€œyou dont hear the prayers
i say for you when you sleep
but to him and i those are
the secrets that we keep
i love your smile
i love your heart
oh girl this love is true
all i need is jesus and you
girl you saved me
i promise baby
i'll always be the man you need
Cause i'm blessed here
With you beyond belief
i send my prayers
and thank the lord
and i try to pay my dues
honey all i need
is jesus and you
to you i'd give the world
and wish upon my lucky stars
that he'd never take this love
out of my heart
the way you grinned and giggled
you heard me say "i do"
all i need is jesus and you
girl you saved me
i promise baby
i'll always be the man you need
cause i'm blessed here
with you beyond b...

May 13, 2019
Janesville, United States

And today she was stronger than yesterday.

She held her head high and smiled.

She hid the pain deep inside.

Today she said β€œI’m okay, I’m getting by” about a million times.

And no one second guessed her.

Tomorrow she will be stronger than today.

She will get back into a routine, work, school, sleep!

Because really, that’s all her life consisted of..

She was a disaster on the inside, but she covered it up well with her makeup and designers.

Nobody knew the thoughts that ran a crossed her mind.

And nobody seemed to care weather or not she survived.

May 6, 2019
Beloit, United States

For those who needa hear it today!

β€œI wasn't raised in a castle
I grew up on the outskirts of town
No dresses with golden tassels
The rings on my hand are handed down
But I'm gonna find the one that needs me, sees me
And treats me like I'm already royalty
There ain't nothing priceless on my wrist
I might not fly private, but that don't mean I ain't a queen
Queens don't hate, queens don't fight
Queens don't stay unless their king treats her right, oh
Every jewel on my crown, you better believe I earned it
Won't keep people around that don't believe I deserve it
No, queens ain't fake
A queen's gonna rule just the way she was made, oh
I ain't 'bout to let nobody come and take me off this thron...