I've never in my entire life felt so alone, so cold.
Anyone even a stranger could ask for help, or look just look like they need help and I'm there. No matter the situation, no matter the problem.
I however, feel like if I was lost and looking for help id have no one on my side helping me find my way.
I'd give you my last, to help you out. I don't believe anyone would do the same for me.
I struggle all the time; raising 2 baby boys on my own, supporting a household, feeding my little family and nobody helps me.
But when you jump up, get locked up, down and out. Who is there saving you? Me! But when I ask you for one simple thing you laugh in my face and tell me to leave.
Those moments that you take in are the ones you cherish the most in life.
Turning 1 and your mother plans a huge party that you don't even remember.
Turning 13 because you officially a teenager and you get a little bit more responsibility!
Turning 16 because you can drive and be out a little later while cruising the streets.
18 because your officially an adult and you can do what you want.
And finally, 21 because you can become and alcoholic.
But what happens after that?
What do you look forward too? Growing older? Retiring?
For me after 21 I see goals and dreams being accomplished and reached.
I see shoes being filled!
I see family and friends.
I see happiness.
Watching these girls fighting over a useless man breaks my heart.
Watching them fight thier hardest and getting hurt kills me.
Watching them throw hurtful words back and fourth is so sad.
I just wish they could just be happy.
Everybody deserves a happily ever after.
I used to be that girl fighting and now I'm that girl who has a wonderful man who doesnt make me do any of those hurtful things to keep him by my side.
I pray that all of you find your happily ever after.
I should have known that when you started to come around again something was up.
I should have known that you were going to bring that same old smile and sweet talk back into my life.
I should have known that you were trying to just bring my old feeling I had for you back.
I should have known that you would break all of my walls.
I should have kept my guard up.
I should have stayed strong.
But my kids love you, and you love them.
and your hand slipped into mine when I wasn't looking.
You have the ability to make me weak at my knees and make my heart skip a beat, just by your perfect smile and your laugh.
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you play theses games?
I want you to close your eyes.
I want you to tell me how you feel when I call you ugly!
Did you want to cry?
Did you want to leave?
Did it make you question what you are wearing?
Now, I want you to close your eyes again.
But this time, I want you to tell me how you feel when I call you a whore/slut.
Did it make you question your actions?
Did it make you feel dirty?
Did it make you think it was true?
One last time.
I want you to close your eyes.
This time I want you to tell me how you feel when I say your friends hate you.
Did it make you wonder?
Did it make you question your long time friendship?
Did it make you feel lonely?
These are one a couple things I fe...
Today is the big day.
Ive been waiting for close to a month now just for this meeting!
I'm going back!
Back to school that is.
Soon i'll have everything I've drempt of.
On top of all of that my baby boy is turning 1 year old in 11 days!
Between ordering the cake and planning everything out I've lost track of time, where has it gone? I can not believe my little bug is going to be 1.
I can not believe I'll be going back to school soon! I'll have a small commute but honestly it will be worth it!
My life is finally starting to look up! The stars are finally starting to align.
Prayer changes things!🙌😘
Why do guys have to be so difficult?
Why do they have to "claim" you even though you guys are just friends?
Why do they have to say stupid things?
Why do they have to butt into other friendships?
Maybe I just dont understand.
Why does one guy have to make the other jealous?
Is it cool?
Because lets be honest we are all just friends!
Remember the 3 amigos? The 3 musketeers? The 3 stooges? The single parents club!
Dude, that was us!
I'm wore out,
In my head I thought "no man is going to want to be with a girl who has 2 kids".
But in reality I'm pushing every guy who walks into my life away.
I cant find a way to forgive myself for the past. I cant find a way to move on.
I won't let another man treat me like my ex's did.
I'd rather be lonely and alone.
I just can't let it go. I can't forget it.
I think its time to deleted this app for good.
Im about to hurt some people and this is for the best.
I'm to good for some of the shit I read on here about my kids and I.
I know the truth and that's all that matters.
It 12:27am, I have sat here for almost 2 hours trying to figure out how to start my first paper for school. I never thought thinking about the past would be this hard! I have been day dreaming and wishing on every star I see for the last 45 minutes.
Why does this have to be so hard?
I mean the paper isn't that hard, I just have to write about me! Easiest paper ever some would say, but telling people about my past is something I don't like to do.
I've been so stupid, so naïve! I've been foolish and selfish.
How could I write about taking someone husband?
How could I write about being disowned?
How could I write about becoming a single mother?
How could I write about the abuse...
When I was in 5th grade I really wanted to take extra money to school for lunch, well my mom and dad were out of a job then and we were all living with my grandparents so of course I got the usual response of "I don't have any money".
At the time I knew they had money just like all of us "have" money, but the money was meant for bills or food. I didn't realize the money wasn't extra.
So I took $8 out of my moms wallet. When I got home from school that day I heard my parents fighting over money like they alway did because they didn't have gas money and my grandparents didn't have any to loan them.
The $8 that I took from my moms wallet earlier that morning was suppose to go into gas so ...
I'm to the point where I want to pick up my gloves and fight again.
I want to knock the person in front of me out.
I want to make sure he understands that I mean what I say.
I just want to punch him in the gut for playing not only me but one of my friends too.
I want to kick him where the sun dont shine for not having balls enough to help support and provide for his 4 babies.
I want to throw a few few right hooks for not seeing that his kids are perfect, and need a father to show them right from wrong.
I want to just knock him out.
Ive been the bigger person. Ive been the one who kept saying karma is a bitch. Ive been the forgeting one.
But I'm officially done.. Its been months...
I knew something was wrong when I left for work..
Usually he yells out "love you momma, see you later! Bunches!!"
But today he cried. He didn't want me to leave.
I called and checked on him several times during work but I kept getting the same response "hes fine, he's playing".
But he wasn't "fine".
I got home after work and my baby boy could hardly sit up. He looked so out of it, so dizzy. He cried for me, he didn't even want his papa (which is NOT normal!).
I knew something was wrong. I knew I should've stayed home.. My baby needed me, but I didn't I went to work and now I feel like crap! I feel like the worse mother ever. I should have been there with my baby.
He has influenza...
If I could start the day over I would.
I would make a pot if coffee and enjoy a few moments alone before my boys woke up.
I would have asked my friend if she wanted to meet to let our boys play.
I would have put on jeans and a t-shirt and looked presentable.
I would have ignored all of the lies and jokes people have to say about me, a girl who rides a motorcycle.
I would have taken tons pictures of me and my boys with their great, great, great aunt dot and uncle ray. Thank gosh we got one of the 3 boys together.
I would have taken the boys out to dinner instead of having frozen pizza.
I would have driven out to freeport to have a few moments of family time before heading back to ...
I dont want luxury.
I want simple.
I don't want tea with my girls.
I want a beer with my best friend.
I don't want fancy nails.
I want dirty hand and a greasy face.
Its just who I am.
I officially realized today that I don't have a real "Girl friend", I just don't.
I have my best friend matt.
He's a dorky, eagle scout, jeep driving smarty pants.
He is my "man" when I need one, but usually I don't.
I guess I just wasn't raised to be a glamour girl.
I wasn't raised to be a Victoria secret model.
I wasn't raised to rely on a man.
I took off today..
I legit took off... I got on the back roads and just drove. It was so beautiful!
I found myself in ma...
I came home from work tonight and my son yells out "MOMMY! Look!" As he points to his foot he says "boo boo! Mommy!". As I'm kissing his boo boo lol (every mom has kissed a foot or 2 in thier days lol) he told me all about how grandma made him eat "black chicken" and she didnt make him bean beans (green beans) and how he wanted m&m's. It was so funny I couldn't stop myself from laughing!
My child comes up with the wildest stories, let me tell you! He is getting so big! I love coming home to his crazy stories.
I asked my grandma about the "black chicken" and she said she fried it and it got a little dark on one side and he freaked out! 😂 He wouldn't eat it cause it was "black" lol (we are...
There's no doubt it was always you
From that first time I walked you home from school
Til you stole my heart underneath that August moon
It was always you, it was always you
Now it hurts to see your pretty smile fade
I've got a front row seat to watch you drift away
And I know there's nothing left for us to say
But it's okay, it's okay
There's no getting over you, I've tried to sugar coat the truth
But the missing you is tearing me apart
Every kiss that I let slip away
Every minute, every single day
The memories make it easy to break a heart
But forgetting, forgetting is the hardest part
Sometimes I sit here feeling like a ghost
It's that emptiness I think that hurts the most
But a piece of...
My son looked at me tonight and said "momma moon pretty!"
All I could do is smile. He is right tonight the moon is very pretty! The moon is orange and from our view its slitly above the ground. Its stary out and a bit chilly but its the perfect night.
Its been a long day, and long days require moments with my sons like this, doing our favorite thing in the world.
We sit in the car on county A with ice cream and music blaring. My sons love to sing along; especially ayden, he loves music! Alex and I enjoy just the view, we talk a little but mostly about how beautiful the moon is.
My sons and I have been on quiet the rollercoaster ride in the last 3 year's, and it is almost over, we are g...
I have a problem and to be honest I'm just now realizing it.
Ive been hurt all my life...
Ive been heartbroken by almost every guy i know.
I have trust issues.
I have connecting issues.
To be honest I feel like I mess up my relationships on purpose that way the guy cant hurt me.
I need to work on myself..
I need to learn how to love again.
I need to learn how to let people destroy my walls that I have built.
I need to let guys have a chance.
I'm scared yes! But ive ruined another relationship yet again!
I'm lonely, and want someone.
But I was raised watching my dad abuse my mom and that affected me.
I was abused myself in many relationships before and that too affected me. ...
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future"
I have to admit I've made a lot of mistakes in my past, I've hurt people I wish now I didn't.
I choose that quote because we can't change the past, we can only move on and hope who ever is affected will forgive you.
The mistakes I made were childish and immature. I made them because I "thought" I was in love, in reality I was just in a foggy place. I was somewhere I thought I wanted to be. I lost a lot during that time not only my family but a friend that was there for me. I have forgave myself for all of the dumb mistakes I've made and I've learned from every one.
I want to apologize to one certain person, b...
Lately, I have felt like I'm stuck in this room where the walls are moving in on me.
I'm losing oxygen and room.
I feel like I've lost my place once again.
I feel like nobody understands.
This isn't where I want to be.
Its lonely and depressing, all I want to do is cry and.
There's no one to talk to, no one to trust, no one to hold me.
The walls keep moving in though.
I gave up tonight.
I can not deal with another 18 years of this crap!
Tomorrow morning ill be paying a visit to the courthouse. Ill be finishing this crap for good!
I have something good going for me and my boys and I don't need you coming in and ruining it. Say bye bye to MY BOYS!
My dad will handle you from now on, I'm sure you won't like what he has to say! Good luck to you, because your not on his good side!
I'm done with you!
Don't mess with mamma and her boys or papa and his grandbabies!
I have a temper today and let me tell you my "LeConte Temper" isn't something you want to be around!
I'm tired of working my butt off and coming home to a dirty house.
I'm tired of buying soda and finding half empty ones on my coffee table and in my bedroom.
I'm tired of people not listening to what I say I don't want my boys to do; like drink soda and going to bed after 9pm!
I'm tired of doing everything and getting attitudes in return!
Like grow up dude! I'm seriously tired of this shit! (Excuse my language)
I work 2 jobs and take care of a business that isnt mine and for some reason people think that they can disrespect me. Ha.
Um no, keep stepping honey I don't need you slowi...
I could use some advice....
My boys have been hanging out with my brother and nephews alot lately.
And when my nephews call out "dada or daddy" my boys do the same.
My brother told me this morning that my boys keep calling him "dada" instead of "unk or uncle buddy".
I'm not actally sure how to address this. I've sat down with alex and told him that uncle buddy isn't his daddy but he sees his cousins do it so he's confused.
I just dont know what to do.....
Its been a wild crazy day!
I got the job I've been wanting for so long..
I got good news from the contractor who is going to replace my roof.
My car is going to finally be fixed tomorrow. So I can decided on what I wanna do with it.
The boys photo albums are finished as well as Aydens canvas of his ultrasound pictures (yes, I know I'm 10 months behind).
And work is going by super fast!
Wow, I'm excited to see how Monday goes!!!!!!