|“in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it”|
To my precious angel,
This morning I woke up with the pain of three years past without you.. the sinking feeling I once had when I received the phone call that morning after Christmas..
still hurts like new..
I miss you tremendously.
A lot has changed for the family but overall I think we are all doing okay. I’m sorry I haven’t gone to see grandpa just yet.. stepping foot in that house this month just isn’t ideal.. if it hurts this much from a far I can’t imagine what it’d feel like being in our home, one of the last places I saw you.
I know you’re at peace and all is well, at least I hope. I hope the clouds are puffy just the way you like your socks and bedding. I’ll smell the roses f...
to the friend who became more,
this time last year you had left me a couple months before my birthday, just as you did this year.
this time last year I was finally getting over you, as I am now
and then you called me at 3am.. this time, last year.. just as you did a couple nights ago. like clock work
last year I answered you because you still had a hold of my heart.. but THIS time, this time.. I have a hold of my own heart.
I still wish endless amounts of positivity and light to shine on you, but it’s clear that we can only achieve such things without being in each other’s lives. so I’ll care for you from a far and just know that you no longer need to worry abo...
I’ve never really written whenever I was happy.. Ive always associate my letters with bad memories, As a gate way of releasing any negative feelings I had bottled up.
So this is new to me!
I just have boatloads of energy at the moment and wanted to share a warm smile with the world.
Just imagine a tiny little human with a huge smile reaching ear to ear.
Remember when people say “good things are coming” or “there’s always a rainbow at the end of every storm”? Please, believe them. even when it’s hard and you feel dark and twisty..
Because good things ARE coming!
I wanted to build my forever with you but all you wanted was a break from your reality. To escape your hell with my paradise. You come and go as you please. not realizing you would disrupt my peace.
I saw the dress.
I saw the bumps...
I saw everything I wanted to see.
Blinded by the love we so desperately need.
I let you take a piece of me every time you would leave.
then it crumbles and then it falls
as I walk these lonely halls
I try to reach for someone near
but I always end up alone i fear
Still. for some reason I feel like I’m... unloveable.
if that makes any sense and that anyone I’m around I end up failing in a way.
I don’t know how to explain it...
I haven’t been able to wrap my head around this feeling and that’s mainly why I’ve been by myself. Closed off.
Time and time again I get left behind because I can’t seem to measure up to any ones, let alone my own expectations..
all I know is if I keep to myself I leave no room to hurt the ones I love.
self destructive? Maybe... but hopefully it turns into strength, having over come this on my own. crossing my fingers but here we go again...
Dear C or the friend that became more,
I have never said a single negative thing about you.. I never thought either of us would stoop that low, but I guess I was wrong. It’s okay, I understand break ups can be hard.
I forgive you.
For the sake of our friends I ask you to not make anymore scenes that put them in an uncomfortable position. I also ask that you keep our business out of conversations with them, it only makes it hard for everyone.
Someday I will find someone who will recognize all the big and even the little things I have done/ will do for them. Someone will love every part of me effortlessly, without hesitation and not be little my feelings but care for them. I’ll find my gr...
In this last month I’ve been slut shamed and damned for looking/ dancing a certain way. A man grabbed my ass and someone who I thought was a very close friend told me “maybe if you didn’t dance like that or dressed like that he wouldn’t have touched you”. Two weeks after that my boyfriend broke up with me because some guy asked me if he could get one of my buddy’s number (yes he was gay) but what my ex saw was us “flirting” when I did no such thing. He had said “why are you so flirty with everyone” but that wasn’t the case, being nice and polite in this day and age is easily mistaken as “flirting” in the eyes of the insecure. I have always been faithful to the fullest avoiding all situations ...
In a place full of imperfect people how in the hell do you only see my flaws and mistakes?
And when it comes to my successes you completely ignore them.
I can never win.
100s and 1000s of miles I have gone to shine my brightest and yet you only see a tiny flicker of light.
How can I feel good about my accomplishments when they look like nothing in your eyes.
No appreciation, no acknowledgement, and no reassurance.
I await the day I decide to leave and you come begging for me to stay. When you realize I was a huge part of all that was right about this place, That is when it’ll hit hard and I will be long gone.
no one deserves me.
To all of my past partners
Each of you have done wrong by me
As well as I have done wrong by you
I’ve learned several valuable lessons walking away from our situations and that’s all I’m willing to take
If I haven’t reached out to you it’s because I’m still trying to heal or forget about the things that were said and done by each of you
So please don’t come back for more
All of your chapters in my story came to its end the day I stopped caring
To my father,
It’s been endless nights trying to find some sort of solution for you since I found out.. but I’ve finally come to terms with the reality of it.
I love you unconditionally, regardless of our horrible past. That being said I will support you no matter how you decide to go about things..
Whether it be treatments to add years onto your life or go about your days like it’s your last.
We’ve walked both roads hand in hand seeing what it does to a person.. unfortunately they have the same outcome. I just want you to know you’ll never have to be alone.. not anymore. No matter what you decide we’ll make the most of our days doing the things you love. We’ll celebrate your life til the ...
I’ve fought like hell to get to where I am right now but I am not through yet. One obstacle at a time and the weight is being lifted off my shoulders. Problem by problem and I start to feel whole again. God help me cross the finish line because I’m almost there!
I was there for you during your hard times while I was still navigating through mine, but the difference was .. you left
You weren’t there helping me heal but constantly reminding me that I was the wrong..
I have to start looking out for myself And if that means removing you from the picture... I’m sorry
But I’ll always have a piece of you safely tucked away Incase I want to revisit the memories
With so much love,
To whoever needs to hear this
Everyone at some point in their life has felt less than, unwanted, undeserving, unappreciated and so much worse. I have first hand experience with all of that and I want nothing but to help those in that time of darkness.
I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. If you ever feel any of these things or more, please please please reach out to loved ones or even strangers willing to listen. I am one of those strangers. I along with so many others are willing to help you find a happy ending that you deserve.
To any one who needs to hear this,
Never feel the need to prove your worth or your love to someone. If they can’t see it from the start.. stop trying to force them because they never will.
You are worthy.
You are loved.
I promise you.
You don’t need no ones approval but your own.
Accept that and you will be successful.
Don’t apologize for your feelings and for speaking out towards it.
You are one of a kind and some day..
someone will notice.
And then in a matter of seconds
It happens again...
Things start to slip
People start to fade
Body goes numb
Thoughts are silent
Something you’re born into
Strangers you’re told to love and protect because they’ll do the same for you
People who are supposed to help guide you and stand by your side
The only thing that connects all of us is blood..
With the family You were born into You’ve never had any of those things
So my question is.. are they really your family?
You’ve met wonderful souls growing up who achieve all those things and more
But the only thing you don’t share is blood
Could they too be your family?
Asking for a friend
To everyone in my life
This has been a tough month..
and I’m sorry for those of you who got the worst end of the stick from me.. please try to understand that I have lost myself. I have lost so much. I’m still trying to figure out how to get through this holiday season without my mother.
I understand that it’s no excuse for poor behavior, I do apologize .
I’m trying my very best to keep it together. It’s just hard without my rock. I’m still learning how to do so. All I ask is for you all to be patient with me.
I hope with time I’ll get better and I’ll be better but for now please let me be miserable in peace.
To my precious angel
today was harder than most
I tried my best to keep myself together at work but..
I just couldn’t get myself to stop thinking of you
I wish I could see the look on your face after telling you all my accomplishments in these past couple of months
I wish you could hold me in my
time of need
I wish for so much from you..
The only thing keeping me together is knowing you’re at peace
So rest easy my love and a special merry Christmas to you
Two years gone but never forgotten
I love you..
My toxic trait is being drawn to damsels in distress, wanting to heal their wounds rather than deal with mine
I have a huge heart for others and I wish nothing but the best for all
Hoping to save them from similar pains that I have gone through in the past
Most days I see it as me growing from my issues along side those who need me
Almost like a sense of achievement having saved them
But then there are those darker days where I wonder... if I’m doing all the saving, who is going to save me?
To the friend who became more
the night you found out a new man has touched what was once yours
was the night you whispered sweet nothings to me and those were the most deadliest ones of all
For the fact that I didn’t know what was true and not knowing was the worst of it
how could I have known that what you were doing was trying to keep me under your spell and from finding a new spark
just stringing me along til you found what you were looking for in someone else
I wanted all of you but you didn’t want a single piece of me
You see with the words you spoke and the actions you had shown, they didn’t add up
Leaving me confused, feeling used and abused
But it’s my fault for giving you a pl...
To the one who gave birth to me
I don’t know where to begin..
No child should have to sit there and hear the things you say or have said to me.
You continuously choose to burn the bridge I continue to rebuild with you because you’re my mother and I feel like I owe you some sort of relationship. But here you are again showing me that you don’t even care to have one if it interferes with your star child.
I chose to forgive you time and time again so that I could move on with my life without all the emotional damage you have left me with.
I hoped and prayed that the next time would be different but it never was..
it never is.
So I’m a fool for running back to you..
in hopes that one day y...
To the friend who became more
I thought because we were friends first you’d be more gentle with my heart and take great care of it.. but it was because we started as friends you decided to take advantage of the fact that you knew I’d always forgive you and id always have a place in my heart for you no matter what wrongs you have done me. all the wrongs you have and continue to do to me.. but no more.
So from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.
To the boy I fell out of love with
I can’t imagine what pains are creeping through your body now a days.
I want to take the pain away so you don’t have to feel it, any of it.
God has been putting so much on you and all I want to do is hold you close.
The only way I know how to be there for you is to listen.. but how do you listen to someone who doesn’t want to talk..
Several sleepless nights later, I have come to realize if what ever you decide to do helps you feel at peace in the end .. I have to let you make that decision on your own and understand why you felt what you did.
all I can do is be here for you when you need me. please for the love of god need me...because I can’t lose you t...
Exactly 4 years ago today I wrote a letter. One that no parent, sibling, or friend would want to find. And with that letter came a very dark time.. one that strengthen me.
“To whom this may concern,
The girl you once saw so happy captured in those photos, is no longer here. She’s gone. There was no reason for her to stay. She turned to so many to find help... but no one was there. No one could help her. She’s gone. She couldn’t stay. There was no home for her. There was no love for her. There was no family for her. Then it got to her. If there was nothing there then why stay.
So this is goodbye.”
I share this with you all now because i have truly healed and it’s a part of my story that I...
To the boy I fell out of love with
I can tell some days are darker than most. The words “it’ll be okay” or “things will get better” are engraved in your head, but it’s the last thing you want to hear.
To take the pain away you escape through your own version of healing. The things you share with the world is you screaming for help behind masculine words...
I may not be in love with you but, I still love you. With that, I still worry about you.
Now I don’t believe in God but for your sake .. I pray to God every day to ease up on the life lessons before he breaks you so far to the point of no return.
If words aren’t what you need right now that’s okay. If all you need is someone to listen,...
To the girl who has his heart,
Be gentle with it. Take care and cherish it. He’s been through a lot and deserves a break. I hope you value him as much as Others and see the beauty of him through his pain. I know he’s a work in progress but it’s progress worth seeing and watching him grow into the man he wants to be.