I sometimes wonder how he’d sound like while calling my nick name to stop me from bothering mum
Or how awkward my reaction would have been if he’d ask me about my date
Or how it could have been just a simple answer instead of a heavy gulp whenever people asked me about him
Or how everything could have been just fine if only I were a grown up
I wonder if he cried for losing me like I did for never having him
I wonder..If he wonders about me like I do about him
I wonder if you miss me like I miss you
& I wrote another long letter.
It’s not a love letter this time,
It’s rather a farewell one.
But, I didn’t send it.
I never will.
Just like zillion other messages, I’ll save this one too in my phone’s memory..
I was leaving but then the wind asked me to wait, I did.
I was leaving but then the wind asked me to stay. I did.
Foolish me, didn’t even realise that the wind itself never stays
So I will leave now..
There’s a whole different world out there
Different from what I’ve thought & lived
My late 23 started preparing me for it
& my early 24 kicked me right into it
Into the world I’ve only seen in some movies before, world that I never liked or never considered to be real
I have friends, younger & older, who are still living in the world that I once lived
They aren’t any more happy or sad than I am, but they aren’t surprised either
They know the alternatives of every action & situation
But here, in this world, I don’t.
Every time there’s new and there’s scope for more, the alternatives..
& I am not yet ready for it..
For what they call ‘The modern world’.
कहा हम मोहब्बत से दूर भाग रहे थे
और उन्हें अपनी आदत बना बैठे
अब हम मोहब्बत के वार से तो बच गए
पर उनकी आदत से चोट खा बैठे
One, two,three & ten times in a row
I would call your name to stop you from stepping out that door
My pounding heart & shaking breath, hoping for you to stay
Tell me would you turn around to see me once more..
Send me ‘hello’ letters no more!
I have had enough people come & enough people go.
Ask me ‘how you doing’ no more!
I’ve had enough people scratch my bandaged wounds when shown.
Don’t give me those ‘I understand ‘ nods!
When you never really understand anything at all.
Don’t try to make me acknowledge all those sufferings & pain that I’ve skipped & ignored for so long.
Because in the end, I am going to be left alone to deal with all my vulnerabilities.
Message me someday. That day, you will find the old me again, that me, who was always cheerful, careless & free. Who no more has a crush on you, maybe never did. Who will talk to you once again for no specific reason. Who will talk to you about her day & might even ask yours. Who will respect your being solitary. Who will not reply to your text instantly but when she is free or feels like. Who will talk maybe for ages to first see where you fit in her list of people & who will give you enough space and time to decide yours. Who will hangout with you just to chill or have fun. But, till then, don’t message me at all. I need time to learn how to hide my feelings & pretend..
It ain’t easy for me
To be a light
When I am surrounded with darkness..
It ain’t easy for me
To believe in myself
When I stumble & I fail
It ain’t easy for me
To decide on the right road to walk
When I am blinded with deceiving
I know it ain’t easy for you too..
But, know my love, that I’ll always be here
& I know you’ll be too
We will hold each other’s hand
& be each other’s light
In all those dark times..
I may fall in love again
But the damage you did is irreversible
I don’t know if it’s my eyes or days of sleep deprivation,
But i got myself a pair of glasses anyway, since sleep is not out for sale yet..
Did you ever fall in love with a stranger?
I don’t know his name or what his face looks like or how beautiful he must sound when he laugh..
But talking to him felt, like I have known him for ages.. like every morning I wake up next to him & go back to bed with him. Strange isn’t it? So strange that I realised my love for him after I lost him..but those 3 days were enough to be in love with him for a very long time..
Confused & afraid I was running away from myself
Rambling in all the dark places and in all the wrong directions to find some escape
Every road leading to a different door
Waiting to be opened & consume it’s visitor
One by one I started opening them all
Unaware about the demons inside
They welcomed me wearing those pretty masks and mystical words
Reaching me to comfort my numb heart with lies and my numb body with desires
But inside all those strange doors there was a familiar stench from my past
To be continued...
She uses words for emotion
And hides emotion with tales
Drinks serenity from the most vulnerable fountain
She know her desires are not real
And her imagination is all she have
She cawls behind the dark shadow of daylight
Beseeching sacred fairy tale words
Her story is terrifying
So she hold it hidden from the world
Why are you writing..
Once asked me a girl
And i was lost
Why am i writing??
Are these those unsaid engraved words in my heart
Or my feelings which were somewhere lost
Or maybe just my numb thoughts
Why are you writing
Again asked the girl
staring back at me through the mirror