|To be doctor, sports enthusiast. Will listen to almost anything.|
Flashing lights and chanting crowds,
fueling my ego burning on people unknown.
I am a disappointment
One who took up the crown and rented it to the devil.
I drink toxins to keep away my toxicity.
To the people who see me other wise,
I am not the one who you think I am.
I beat myself up everyday.
Not on the outside ofcourse,
Scared and bruised on the inside.
There's no sign of who I was or what I wanted to be.
I have given up the idea of me itself.
Without the fuel the demons they eat me instead.
Then came morning,
Everyone was together and happy.
Somehow despair kicked in.
And we tied the knot with sadness forever.
How do you prepare yourself for the inevitable?
Instead you put your head on the track and hope that the never train never arrives.
I have relapsed.
I find myself in a tough spot.
Past few months knowingly or unknowingly I have been not myself.
I wasn't depressed but I was desperate.
I wanted to seek attention.
I wanted to talk to new people.
I wanted new ventures in my life.
Visit some old memories, renew them.
I got soo engrossed in them that I have forgotten how it was to be me.
I must've wasted hours just wanting some random girl to text so that I could have an interesting conversation.
I'd post my lettrs on instagram hoping a random reply.
I don't want to be that person.
I want to go back to being what I was.
Selfless not selfish.
I want to improve for my loved ones and myself not a random stranger.
I am the last of my breed.
What I feel ends with me.
I feel insecure of not being known.
All these years, hearing my name from soo many people.
It's all come to an end.
I spend my days updating my feeds every few seconds.
I don't talk to anyone.
I'm alone but I don't want to tell them that.
I think life I a full circle.
I am back to where I was before I belonged in high places.
I know the journey.
I know the sacrifices.
Is it worth it?
What do you feel?
Look closely, because I believe in coincidence, for all the moments will never come again.
And when I met you today coincidently I realized it wasn't for nothing.
Ask your heart once again,
Its difficult to have a coincidence again.
Don't let this go.
Ward no 39.
This isn't about me. About how I struggle with life or how I'm not sure what the future holds.
It's about a girl.
She's such a muse.
Her smile brightens up my day.
If I could just keep her there on bed no 16 for rest of her life I would.
At the age of 13, she already knows how difficult life could be.
Yet every morning she'd accompany us on rounds. She'd smile so bright, even though her hands are wounded from all the needle pricks for samples.
It's okay she says.
I am used to it now.
I wish I could tell her how much of an inspiration she is.
It's funny how her prognosis affects me more than she does herself.
Woh manzil bhi Kya jise paane mein
Zindagi na guzar jaye?
Woh safar bhi Kya jisme aashiqui na nazar aye.
Would you cry If I die tonight?
I would smile a lot maybe.
A last fond memory of holding your hands.
Trying to make it warm.
I could never leave it that cold, could I?
I'd talk to you, for a change.
All these years of hearing you blabber and look where I find myself.
Your face looks dry and worn out.
Looks so life less.
It's soo wonderful and sad.
You'd ask me every time,
I'd just leave without an answer.
Now that I'm crying you'd never know I do.
Soaring at 3200 feet makes my heart feel a little heavier.
If only gravity pulled me down with that much force aswell.
I guess Einstein could never theorize why emotions defied physics.
It comes. It goes.
While world seeks another world, black holes, Time travel.
I am still stuck with the basic of though of being a hero.
Must be my insecurities.
Does a heavy heart lie?
Does a heavy heart sing?
Or all it does is weep in silence?
I'm glad it only bigger.
I miss the cold breath.
Midst of nightmares it'd keep me awake.
Eyes couldn't see what the mind didn't know.
Somehow I didn't know her but I saw her everyday.
A reality I'd like to chase.
Now and then.
Just during my nightmares.
To keep me awake.
The cold breath.
My heads all screwd up.
I work 12 hours a day.
I don't make a dime of it.
I don't have my thoughts at place.
Worst of all this isn't helping.
Writing it out.
I need something new.
What's on people's mind.
Help me. Understand what's life again?
It's scary how I'm getting used to seeing death around me.
The body lying there.
Eyes open, pupils dilated.
While we push their chest only to break the ribs.
It's chaos and silence at the same time.
Eyes are on the monitor.
Adrenaline stat. Atropine stat.
While we discuss our daily chores.
His hands spanning out of the bed.
His mouth drooling over what was left of his last meal.
It's hard to know that we have got a shell around us.
I guess death was overrated after all.
We hear your concern.
You don't see us for 6 months.
We don't call or text.
It doesn't seem like we exist.
That's the point.
Our existence isn't based on our social recognition.
We care for human relations but we care more for personal space.
For us it doesn't matter when we meet or talk, it's going to be exactly like we never left.
The bond of our relation isn't measured on the number of calls or texts.
We just know people tend to be busy.
It's okay not to be in touch.
As long as you know we are there for you, that's what matters.
We aren't hoping for you to understand.
Everyone works in different ways.
All we want to say is,
We are here, if you ever need us.
4 and half.
Take the longest thing in yourlife.
Break it into pieces.
Now take those pieces and burn them.
Scatter every part of them ashes into differenr rivers.
Let the the river course through sea.
Let the sea brine the ashes.
Someday every part would meet.
Because the longest things in your life don't end.
They linger. Every day. Every night.
Even when you are wide awake or when you close your eyes.
It's not simple to let go.
Last few days have been such a roller coaster ride.
From getting a 15 days extension to rocking it out on stage. The spectrum is too hard to handle.
It all seems so unreal all of a sudden.
Alcohol is my drug of choice.
I hope it numbs me up for everything else in life.
Internship diary 2019
What's with God?
Sometimes they act funny.
It's almost a linear story line most days but when they do get bored, they act up.
24 year old Male,
Economically poor, only food bearer of his family.
Crushed by the tractor he was trying to repair because that was his way of income.
Everytime I open his dressing there is stench of helplessness.
As he begs for a glass of water, all I can say is No brother, not today.
While his parents scrambling to find some money.
His body so lacerated, I could teach a boy anatomy he wouldn't forget.
His legs so fragile, lifting it feels like it'd crumble in my hands.
The oozing pus from his sutures.
All while he screams in pain of the Scrub we use to keep ...
Took me a while to realize that I'm not a normal person anymore.
Life is better with a little bit more responsibility.
To being a doctor.
To being life itself.
Shadows and past will always follow you.
It's upto you to stand outside with the sun above you.
Subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Life moves on.
All you need to do is stay busy.
Based on a true life incident.
I see you are doing alright. Got a college degree, A husband, a child.
Should I be happy?
I don't know John.
You see, the court asked us to stay away from each other.
Imagine. A 16 year old me, leading a life for two years thinking I have a best friend, A girl friend and a job at CIA.
Well it's not tough for you is it?
After all you were there.
Playing every part to your perfection.
How can I face the world john?
Knowing I got conned, by my own friend.
Tricked into believing you were Rachel.
Tricking me to believe she was your step sister. Tricking me into believing she was raped and killed. Why John?
Why did you have to be such.
When you told me yo...
What makes us?
ACGT, 4 simple alphabets.
Imagine a book and in it's every page only 4 alphabets are written.
Now imagine a dictionary, with every possible combination of such those 4 alphabets.
Now imagine 800 such dictionaries.
And to think we curse ourselves for being us hardly when we have a hand in it.
Genetically predisposed and environmentally sculptured.
I don't want to be remembered.
In death I ask for peace.
To be remembered is sharing a bond in this world I have longed to leave.
If life was a stage,
I have portrayed every part with honest ends.
If life was a banquet,
Then I have consumed life to the enormous appetite I always had.
But for now, My time has come.
Time for me to be consumed.
This is the reality.
This is what it is.
There are people who'll cry,
People who'll be sad for rest of their life.
To them i say ,if there was something which I came with when I was born, it was the day I'd be gone.
So if you do remember me, don't cry.
We had our fare share of love and life.
Until next time? Perhaps
Trying and failing?
Or trying without the hope of succeeding?
I wouldn't know.
I relapsed before I could hit such a thought.
For every chip I own,
Is a lie I speak to myself.
"It's going to be alright,
Tomorrow is going to be better and shiny"
As I sit in this empty room,
Knowing that there's a man next to me in the other room, dying to take his poison,
Screaming out loud in delirium.
As I sip on mine,
I think he knows.
He'll be fine, I may not.
Day 5, 6, 7,
Tad bit late already. Crazy nights I tell you.
I don't quite understand myself. Sometimes I drink to be sober. Sometimes I drink to be in mood.
Past 3 days have gone by and I haven't sensed reality one bit.
I'm alright though. It's all for fun nothing in relation to sadness. I've to start studying today though. Maybe after that I'll get some drinks on.
We'll coming on the topic of drinking.
I've realised people take advantage of having alcohol. In my life I've never had a situation where I didn't want to do something and did it because I was drunk. That side of me never works. I'm always in control that I'm not going to drunk text or kill peoples mind.
I take extra efforts aro...
Sudden change in moods and plans.
How I wish I hadn't done what I had.
Back in 2012 I was just a indecisive kid who thought too much.
I still am but a little more older, wiser, ofcourse I have put on.
But yeah. I think I told my girlfriend too a few months ago, my biggest mistake was to drive her away, the one who was soo crazy, I was crazy too, met her parents, it was official. Then the whole I have to get hitched to her. Back when I was 17 the thought of being 25 and married was a huge impact. I couldn't take it. I ruined things with her on purpose. Now she's a stranger. Not from my side, No. From her side.
In some ways I'm fine because I have a great relationship now but if I had ...
Time sure does flies fast.
3 days since exams got over.
I don't want to talk of it right now.
It has been Netflix and chill all day,
Life isn't going to get any better.
As days go by the no of lines in my letters will reduce too.
Till tomorrow then.
Putting in extra efforts today. First full 8 hour sleep in two weeks. Still having afternoon buzz though. Feels empty without books but that will probably change from tomorrow onwards.
I do have a tad bit of fear in me about what's set to happen but then I always believe in Murphy's law. Finger crossed till then.
Dad's been ill and mom's far away. Home isn't the same but I can't bargain for more can I?
Played football too. Not the best of it though. Nevermind, getting old for it anyway.
Need to get out of the house more often. Rest everything seems okay.
Till tomorrow then.
It's been 24 hours.
Home has been comforting. After 15 days of barely any sleep, I find myself stuck in a routine. I weigh exactly 84kgs right now. I thought I'd weigh a little more but hey good for me.
I have been a little out of order. Things are happening which I didn't foresee. Decisions are to be taken. Only thing that could keep me sane is this pieces of paper and my keypads. So this isn't a shout out for help, I don't need any. I have grown to become someone who tackles everything as it comes. This is a memoir. So when I look back at it on 31st December 2018 I know what I don't need after the new year :)
Majors starts on 4th December. Just a step away from being a doctor. Fingers...
There's morality in being Immoral.
We base our world today on soo much we think we understand.
We make words, we give them meaning, then we try to follow them like it's the only thing.
Bad is bad because we say it so.
Good is good because we say it so.
Do you understand?
We make rules when nature didn't give them to us.
It's an artificial construct.
Bound by infinite opinions on how the world should work for each and every single person.
It's based on a surface of irregularity.
So once in a while someone finds a loop hole and that becomes Immoral?
Why? Because I'm supposed to live by what you said.