|I write to share. Just a collection of my sudden thoughts and feelings.|
Who said it was easy to fall in love?
I heard there are many things which we’d have to face together.
I thought everything will be easier because we have strength of two.
But why nobody told me that sometimes you could feel numb.
That all of a sudden you don’t feel the same way, there’s a nagging voice inside your head saying ‘let it go’.
That you’d feel something stinging your heart because of the helplessness you feel.
Is it a culpabale offence to take decisions on your own?
To live your life like you have envisaged
To learn music and be free minded
To read books and chill
To take time to think about your future
Why everyone is in such haste?
Why can’t we just sit and think?
What we’re doing?
Our hair turning grey at the age of 20s
Using age miracle creams in our late 20s
What’s happening? Why we’re not allowed to breathe for a while?
Why we’re judged on every step we take. On every movement. On our every decision.
This air I breathe never feels free.
We’re always trapped in some kinda cage.
And if we somehow manage to break those barriers, new ones are already waiting for us.
What do you do when you’re struggling with something you don’t know?
When you feel worthless,
When you feel despair and disappointment in your parents’ eyes,
When you want to do something out of the world but can’t find a way out,
When you feel unnecessarily pressured
Spending time thinking what You could’ve done what you shouldn’t have.
Even when everything’s in line and you’ve almost won the race
But then you stumble down and lose your chance of even finishing it.
Can you get up and start over again?
Mirror on the wall
Here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You've been my only friend
You told me that they can
Understand the man I am
So why are we here
Talking to each other again?
Mirror by Lil wayne ft Bruno mars
I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain
Now the day bleeds
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.
Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi
So look me in the eyes
Tell me what you see
Tearing at the seams
I wish I could escape
I don't wanna fake it
Wish I could erase it
Make your heart believe
But I'm a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know.
- Bad liar by Imagine dragons
Could you ever find a way for your escapism?
Alcohol? Cigarettes? Weed? You know what i'm talking about right?
You give excuses to yourself for not running an errand
You just lie there in a same position for hours and hours
switching between netflix and pubg, With the guilt of not doing anything productive in your life.
You repeat the same cycle of getting back on track, One day you're almost there and then back to the start.
You feel suffocated, Frustrated. Who are you suppose to tell about this?
Can you really explain what's going on with you? I think not.
Getting distant from everyone, they always come to you with their problems and you're there talking like some therapist or a ...
It's pretty late rn, I can't sleep bcz I slept the whole day!
Completely inactive since idk when
I started writing it for once but couldn't finish it.
That's my habit of leaving things in the middle
I've started giving up on things which I used to do
I don't have a goal and sometimes I think why was I even born
When I'm not doing anything when I have no idea what i'll be in future
Who is my idol or who really inspires me?
i don't know.
I don't know why am here writing while speaking it out loud
maybe to feel it more, to express openly without any shame or guilt.
Because right now I'm a person of no use, literally.
My parents wants or wanted (idk) me to get married in the age o...
Here we are again!
I just realised what kinda person
I wanted to be and what I’ve become.
Maybe I’m not fully grown up
Or nobody let me to?
I can’t have my point of view,
Or I wasn’t allowed to have one?
Can’t stand up for myself,
Or I was too scared or repressed?
I cry over every small thing
And feel the need to justify everything I do,
Bcz I’m afraid of people’s judgment.
Sometimes I’m way too sensitive,
Sometimes I’m strong enough to handle anyone’s anger or abuse.
At times I’m very happy,
After a second I’ll feel sad.
What made me become this way?
I love my parents,
But sometimes I feel they fail to understand me,
They’ve failed to understand that this is my li...
Sudden thought pictures in my mind.
That how I lost few people
Who would be there for me in no time.
Everything was perfect
We were best friends
We both made a mistake,
We misunderstood things
We thought we were in love keeping our friendship at stake.
But that was just a fling,
If we’ve had not done that
We would have been talking
I wish we understood
That ‘butterflies in my stomach’
Happens in friendships too,
It doesn’t necessarily have to be love.
If it was love, it was meant to be for me and you
You know how we messed up.
And I think if there’s any way?
The feeling I feel is weird and sad at the same time
Because I know what I lost can’t be mine.
Be scared because you’re a girl
Oh I believe in equality
But you shouldn’t be going out
Whatever you need will be here
Because you’re my princess.
I want to protect you baby girl
That’s what she said.
How do I tell her
That this is suffocating
And it’s getting harder for me to breathe
Still she has my remote control
Controlling my life
Counting every breathe I take
After each day passing by
I’m trying to get up
Trying to overcome
When I see people around
The moment I step out
With every step I remind myself
Yes you’ll be okay!
You’ll be fine.
Still I have you on my mind
I can’t tell you
How many miles I’ve walked
Where I’ve been
Where I’ll be
I was already scarred
When you gave me new wounds to start with
And while I was trying to cure them
Those accusations and continuous snubbing
Made my wounds bleed again.
I relied on you
Told you things
When I shouldn’t be trusting you.
At this instant
I don’t have anything left
To give you ,My self esteem is exterminated
I can hardly feel positive about myself.
And now that I’m trying to elude,
For the world
I’m at fault.
Little did they know
how My eyes turned red and hurtful when I allowed them to verbalise.
I was just an emotionless chump For you.
Feeling as cold as ice
Where am i suppose to go
With this numbness
Hardly i can feel my fingertips
Is my heart beating!
Why is it so hard to feel it
But I can feel my heart contract
That sound is not something
I can hear any longer.
This grave surrounding
Hearing noises in dead silence
Everything is turning icy and cold
Just like i feel now, cold.
Oh! Stop me from doing it again
Stop me from where I’m going
I don’t want to see myself dying
With every ticking of clock
I feel a certain kind of uneasiness
Do i need you to heal my behaviour
When you’re the one hurting me deliberately.
Oh! I can see you laugh at me
I believe you can hear my heart cracking
With tears at the edges
It’s funny how you were ready to hold me when i fall
Now when you can see me falling
You stand still
Waiting to see me fall and break
With passing time
You lose every emotion
But then they come back
Helplessly! You let them in
You know you need them
You’re not that self efficient
You started liking their presence
Then they hurt you, again
You feel that maybe you’re the one over reacting!
Don’t regret what you did
You know you are not a bad person
You just wanted to be nice with people.
If anyone came to know
Who i was in my past
They’ll not accept me
I’ll be thrown out of this world.
Oh yes! I’m changed
It can be my immaturity
Or my adulthood.
I’ll call it my maturity
You may find it impolite
But right now I’m thinking about myself,
Till now I’ve been living for others
It’s time for me to live for myself.
Relationships don’t work only by one persons effort.
If it’s your fault
It is yours
I can’t be such a nice person
Who’s weak at heart
Who accepts your fault as mine
It’s been so long
Since I’ve felt
That yes I’m important for someone
Or yes someone out there needs me
And thinks that I’ll be the person to share things with.
This new place
Makes me believe
That you are all alone.
You’ve got nobody.
And that haunts me!
I wish people could understand me.
I thought coming to new place
Where you’ve got more freedom will be so good and fun
But here you see different people
Judging you in different ways
Calling you egoistic
One with lots of attitude
Who shows off her dad’s profession and money
Who is stupid
I in person don’t like such lineament.
But you’re being misunderstood
Because you didn’t show up on someone’s fault.
I didn’t come up to you when it was your fault so I’m egoistic.
Why would i come up?
Why i need to apologise for what I’m not sorry.
If For that you’ll leave me
I won’t mind seeing you leave
Because it’s your immaturity
Just to save us!
If i need to make an effort
I keep my pain aside
Just to make sure everything is okay between us.
But again you make me remember my pain.
And make me feel that it was my fault.
At this point
On the verge of letting go
But you continued with your tantrums and taunts, refreshing my bruises that nobody can hardly see.
These sudden breakdowns
Eyes dried out
No tears left to shed
But my heart aches everyday
Everytime when i think of us.
That ache kills me
As it grows loud and dominates my mind.
Everytime when you ignore me and talk to me just like you do to a normal person,
As if I’m no more special to you.
I want to talk to you
But I’m left with no words
What i used to be
Me who always wanted to talk
And never letting you go
By the way you avoid eye contacts
My heart becomes heavier
My eyes more hurt
I really am
I can’t withstand this mental state any more.
Did I deserve to be treated this way?
Do you think I’ll be okay with what you said to me?
My mind right now is flooded with questions but I don’t know from where to find my answers.
Because it’s not your fault that what you said after abusing me
after yelling at me for no reason. Again.
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
I’m not the one who’s at fault!
Falling in love is easy
It just happens
And you never know that you’re in love unless
You feel that kind of attraction and concern
but fighting to have it
For the rest of your life
Is so hard.
You’re stuck in the middle
Can’t afford to lose your love and can’t afford to lose your family.
It’s so strange how all the powers and forces of nature and everything combines you to pressurise to choose one of them.
Everytime i touch you
I get goosebumps
Whenever i hold you
my hands automatically pulls you closer.
Everytime, i want to kiss you
Never missing a moment
Pulling your cheeks
Sorry for not liking when you criticise my weight
Sorry for over thinking as per you what i do.
I’m sorry some things affect me easily and i don’t talk because I’m hurt.
I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate when you simply say sorry after repeating things.
I’m sorry i talk to you about the thing happened last night. Why you hung up the phone.
I’m sorry when i ask you to change when you did the same to me.
What you said in reply “I’m fine with what i am,
You need to change.
Change the way you look, your hair, your weight”
i accept my flaws and I work on them.
What you do? Scream and escape.
Dominating me in every way
Dominating my thoughts.
The way i think.
Now I hardly know ...
Sometimes you become so confused in life
That you don’t know if you should be angry or you should just let go.
But I cannot let go everything.
I do need some explanation some day for what you did.
My reactions may not suit you
But if you chose to love me you got to know who i am and what could affect me.
If something affects me that’s not overreacting that’s my reality.