Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. scorpio. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
what would you think of me taking all my writings that i have shared on here
and adding it to a book about my life ? If you go kindly take some times and review and scan through my writings that i write on here....and i turn this into a book, my life...a book... would you pick it up a book store and read it?
would you recommend it to others? or is it too raw to have on a hardcover? i just want some thoughts. please share ?
well, i am stressing about small shit
that's big shit.
depends how you look at it.
i got this boy that i'm liking and
my drama could cause him to go away.
i don't want that. but i don't want to
hide my shit... would it be okay to
just stop telling him, i am jumping in to
feelings with him way fast
need to slow down.
pump the brakes.
got other shit going on beside romance.
wanting my own place. feeling stuck
when can this end now
always with the temporary
never with the permanent
what to do next,
i'm on a hurry up and wait schedule
need to get my mind right
being off claudia really does
make a difference with the mind
but its not her fault i'm mentally
I am back there. i'm here now. i already got a job.
i am working on getting my daughter to getting checked out by the doctor to find out what's going on with her not talking. i hope that the doc will tell us it's okay... i don't want to have something slowing down my daughter. i feel like it's my fault. those that know, you can read my past lettrs. well, to those that don't know.
anyway, i know it's important to find out but i dread knowing. i care deeply and so i need to follow through. i am trying to figure out what to do next. i know i need pyscharacrtist to talk about my issues and what's going on with myself. i am not going to go to a drug counselor. i know why i get high. i know wha...
Wow right when it seems to go good
With you.i find out that you're telling
Your sister stuff that you don't need
To be saying to the people I.m going to hd at. This is why i don't want to fuck with you because your whole fucking family,has to know what you have to say and what you think. I expected it. How can i keep feeling disappointed in you for you're just being yourself. Its who you are. You are unable to shut the fuck up and every one knows it
I cant wait to go to michigan because when I get there im done with you.... I am not going to be answering your calls. Its going to be less and,less as i occupy my time with my daughter and attend school and go to work I don't want to be with a...
There's so many things I want to tell you
I want you to understand but you don't.
we go back and forth, constantly this
tug of war and for what?
for us to be miserable. for you to have control
get on your power ego.
what you don't realize is what you are doing
isn't just punishing or affecting me but it's
also about our daughter. she loves me
even on days when i am in a bad mood
or when she is upset, she still finds comfort
in me and i'm her mother. she's always going
to want me, to know me, and to be around me.
i am good to her and she's more than great to me,
i'm so tired and fed up with hearing how you have all
this power over a person. stop it! you're not God.
Things will be better soon, hopefully
through anything I'll stay with you.
Sometimes I pretend you love me.
Broken hearts do the most writing.
You were always my sweetest nightmare
I grew up way too fast
Hear from me, not about me.
You don't need water to drown
You destroyed me and I apologized
I'm not good enough for you
I just wanted to be enough
I'd rather be heartless than heart broken
i'm a mess of unfinished thoughts
you'll always be a question mark
I keep coming back to you
He saved me. I broke him.
True love exists in broken hearts.
I'm a heart-broken author for you
Taught me love a long with pain,
Pain can't be described in words
You left, I became an auth...
Hey so things have been hard to adjust around here recently
My man moves in another female & she's supposed to be our nanny \ mAid.
I'm not sure if I like it, a matter of fact I don't like it. It irritates me. I am hard to deal with lately. I have an attitude because of it & I can't stand the change that's taking place. We already don't have enough room in this camper & now we really don't have any room here. I am upset about it Derrick doesn't care which isn't surprising. Ugh I am trying to keep an open mind about this which is hard. It's hard to deal with another female on. It's hard to deal with the reorganizing and someone taking over my home. Derrick doesn't see how it can effect me. ...
I wonder how I can persuade others to help me ? What can I offer them that will make them want to help ? Has any one succeeded in getting the outcome? What degree of precision will I measure the progress? What is good about the present situation. What will I have to give up in order to achieve my outcome. They say you can have anything you want if you are prepared to pay for it (not necessarily in money). What do you want to keep?
I know that I can feel the dead here with me. My loved ones and others I don't know of. I am quite capable of getting a bit weird and strange. I don't know what to do about letting go with my dads death and me not being there before his passing has left huge emotional scars on my heart and soul. I am hanging in there so to speak. I am glad that dale is there with my dad and my mom is alway watching over me. I am just not sure what to do how to let it go. I can say I feel regretful
I came across an old facebook that i wrote and thought it was beautifully written
i wanted to share it on here.
My father died when I decided to live. I left with clothes on my back. I just felt it was time. I was born to be dead. I've been defeated. Would stay the night? You won't sink when your with me even if I'm part of a Dead Sea.
i found out that my mom didn't like to see us sad, she didn't discipline very well lol and she loved us dearly.
So i am feeling shitty about my self. I feel the need to vent. My man wouldn't understand he will just comment on whatever and nag about it. My sister is pissed off at me cause i lied about not smoking a cig, when she found it in the toliet and while i was at work she yelled at me through texting and told me, she's upset about me lying,that i lie about the smallest shit and i thought about what she said...
Its true. I do lie about small things that I think will get me scolded or yelled at. I'm afraid of the consequence. I lie because I'm scared of the outcome. I lied about my sister saying i could have a tv to my man just for I don't have to hear him rant and rave and make,me move because my ...
If you stay youre going to get torn apart
Even after all that we done for each other
We fight and argue all the time
Im getting sick of it
Sick of the arguing and fighting
Sick of you
Sick of this.
What's left of us is broken we cant save this
Its gone. I wish we could find the same love we had when we started but it isnt there
Yet you're not happy and im not happy
Why do you make me stay
Making me resent. You more and, more
Its not healthy for us
I feel like im trapped in
A cage and I cant get out
You bring my blood pressure up. Give
Me stress and anxiety.
You try to put fear in me and brain wash me
Into being with you or else.
God forbid i find happiness or live my life without serving ...
Still we are argue
We don't talk hardly at all
And when we do its short
Any longer and the bombs go off
We can't communicate
Its sad, it sucks.
You cant take the lies.
I can't take the games
Ive contemplated and
Went over in my head where it is
That we went wrong.
But i know, that something is lost.
How I wish i could take it all back.
I know that I'll miss you, you'll miss me too.
I'm writing this for you, as I replay our
Memories... I swear I can still feel you next to me.
Will this pain subside?
Will my knees continue to be weak?
I open my wall to you, i allowed you in.
You remember begging to allow you inside me?
The part that nobody enters...
Look.. I can't stop caring about you. That's not something I can just stop. Same with loving you... These days have been hard and I just want to be happy and being with you is bringing me down. I am not happy. There's a wedge between with us amd it's stuck. You've said things and so have I. You've said things that is lodged in there and I may have as well. It is both our fault. We are stressing and like you said, you are too old to be doing this. I got a mouth and you get on my nerves. I feel like you are against me when its suppose to have been us against the world, now here we are fighting and telling on each other. When you discussed about our sex life, that's when i really f...
We are always stressing. Do you really want to be with me ? Thats the question. We argue more than brother and sister.giving you a headache. When your with me your stressing. If you want to let me go, let me know. We can use it as a,lesson.I told,you I'd never let,you,go and i don't want but when we together we stressing. I ain't got time,for arguing. I know,you love,me,but is love enough? We always arguing back,and forth. All this drama. We aint getting no where. Your my,baby. I want us to last but it,wouldn't be right if I didnt ask. Do you want,to be with,me ?
I know you want me to punch and so do I. I never judge you. I still love you and its not going to change. That's 100. You migh...
We are arguing
We try to let it go
It lasts a day, the next we are back at it
How can you tell me this is love?
I am tired of crying. I am tired of
Arguing with you. We both cast blame,
To make justifing reasoning for the guilty things we do.
Burning words don't wrap around me,
They don't keep my heart from hurting.
I deserve parting words. I fucked up, i made mistakes and I was given a chance and i lost it. i was a fool. I was careless. I shouldn't have said anything in vain
Now you take away my love away, sail away with out me, far away. J do deserve this. I wasn't good enough. I failed.
No more sea of love to make a home.
I didn't mean to do it. It just happened this wa...
hes making me do things i don't want to do
all this pressure is back now. and it's worse than ever
because he's fucking me up mentally, emotionally
threatening me with taking away my daughter
and threatening to make my life hell, to get my in
trouble with my sister and ruin the relationship with
her i so desperately worked hard for and now that
i have it i dont want to lose it. i want to be close and establish
a realtionship with her and it sucks that i have him
controlling the destiny of it because i'm allowing him to have
so much control over me and my life.
he can ruin it all for me, i wish i could leave him but i can't.
he has a bond over my head and if i was to be want...
I said fuck you
When you call me on the phone
I tell you to,leave ne alone
Theres no talking,
Your obly as good as you are with me so i hope you know better than to leave.
Im the brightest sight you ever knew.
I said fuck you.
Cross my heart and hope you die
No happy ending for you and I
With Your world painted blue,
I said fuck you
Lyrics by kailee morgue
Im under pressure
I'm spiraling down this rabbit hole
Oh where would I go
I'm not there not here,
Im drowning into the heavy weight ofit all. Crushing and smashed is what will happen to me.
Trying to get up, trying to breathe just let me catch my breath to hold it all in again. I am filled with emotions and expressions. Everything can be clear aa day. Now i run away and i cant get away from my self. Too much pressure. Help me breathe
This little girl is my whole world.
She's the reason I'm alive.
She makes me smile.
Has taught me patience
She's the reason I love myself
I love to hear her sweet laugh and see
That smile she wears so happily.
I never will let her go
She is part of me, a greater better part
Of me. She has changed me for better.
She's my rider, my baby girl. She keeps me warm at night, the reason I wake up in the night checking to make sure that she has blankets covering her, keeping her warm.
She is the reason I've woke up happy and smiling, i kiss her goodnight every night. I love taking her on adventures and exploring new things. Making memories , taking pictures. Shes my blood, my other half, my...
So things are going good.
I am working at a diner.
Its nice cause I get tips but it can be slow and boring. The trailer is coming and i can sell stuff out of it. Derrick and I are still together and I'm still taking care of my daughter.
I am looking forward to Easter, I am going to take zoey on an Easter egg hunt with the family. I'm excited and will get pictures. I am not sure what to say. Not much is happening and things are going good. I will write later. Prehaps when my sadness takes over again one day
So havent wrote here for a bit. I am doing good. Things are going well, no issues at the moment. Well, except one..my man isnt with me to spend time or do anything with me or our daughter. At least i get visits. I cant wait for him to be out and we can live our fantasy lifestyle that we've been talking about for years. More open with each other more than ever and honesty is at play. Keeping it real, and handling the lawyers. I cant wait for us to put this rough road behind us when it comes that time. I'm getting along with my sister which i never thought id see the day, but here i am, living it. I'm just unpacking and setting my things up. I am working a lil part time gig at a diner. It's al...
I'm all alone
Nothing to work for
What am I doing?
Just sitting idly by waiting for him
To return to me.
I'm disgusted with trust.
I'm not sure when I'll be gone.
Just want to go far away
But far is far enough
It's all my fault and no one to hear me, nobody near me
All night I thought to myself
Why would I stay with you?
You have issues. So why would I miss you?
Did you forget that you were wrong?
It's just an echo.
A monster. The power makes you a monster. Letting you get to your head.
I'm considering taking all my writing on here and putting it in a book. I dont know who would buy it but its be nice if i could save all my writing in a hand cover book. I haven't wrote like I used to and maybe its cause the lack of drugs. Or I just dont have the motivation as I had. Maybe its cause when things are going good, theres not much to say. We are always writing when we are hurt, when theres ache in our hearts. What about the bliss? What about the happy moments we capture? Why does the pain stick in our minds, in our hearts ... at least for me it does.
The whole art of pain is acceptance
Accepting that we cant change things. Accepting that it is what it is. Accepting pain is a big...
Waiting to get a move on with my life, with my self.
Someone to talk to
Got this paper and ink to spill my thoughts onto
Will someone choose to hear me?
Will I be alone like this forever?
Why do I feel alone when I'm surrounded by so many people.
I am preventing openness
Closing off to strangers
I'm sober and different
Everyone expecting a relapse
Yet here I am not stunting it
Not making it a worry
Tired of thinking of all the wrongs I could make happen
Just want to focus on the future and what I'm doing now.
Tired of the what IFS.
Not proper accusations
Nothing happening like that here
So why keep concerning yourself with the worry.
I'm not committing the crime s...
I love misery
My father told me this
And it’s company I seek out
Man I’m the creator of my own pain demanding to feel it again and again time after time.
Without it I don’t feel right
Does this mean I’m sick ? Mentally ill? Seeking these things that hurt, that can destroy a soul is what I seem to be comfortable with. Man I’m insane put me in a straight jacket and call it a day.
Seeking professional help has not been any better yet they keep telling me I need Meds. The voices I hear lead me to a road that isn’t bad. All leading me to positive thoughts and feelings yet I just keep denying pushing away the fact I’m not normal. Fuck. Not again please. Stop talking to me.
I don’t want to hear ...
I miss the value of what meaning things used to hold.
Now a days it’s just empty with nothing to define but meaningingless actions.
What happened to what the meaning of family was once upon a time ago. This family has gone to shit. Breaking apart. No longer do we keep in touch or stop by like olden days that held so much life in the meaning of family. No longer do we have dinner get togethers. No longer is it family gatherings.
Where’s my friends? No longer do they have my back or are there for me when I am alone with these wonderless thoughts. No more do we hang out or take photos
Everyone expects me to listen to them
Every one thinks that I'm the sick one. I'm the loss. I'm the risk. The threat.
I'm just a human being, young and learning from my mistakes
Everyone projects that I listen to them. To follow them. To obey.
Not him. Not her. Then who?
How many likes is my life worth?
Remember I'm the sick one.
Sick from addiction. Sick from the self destruct.
Now in repaired. Better shape then ever. Working newer than before. But at what cost?
I am doing good when so many expect me to fall.
I'm moving forward. Not going backwards but actually forward
I'm on my way smiling into the unknown. Never thought I'd be able but look at me changed ways and God knows I've tri...
I miss him so much
Hes not listening
Taking what I said in a wrong way
Hurting me with threats that I dont deserve
Misunderstanding and mean words
Why must I always beg for you to love me
Why must I be on my knees to be in your heart
Saying sorry, when will I be worthy for you?
I'm running out of things to say
Do you really love me?
Your the only one on my mind
The only one I want this to work with yet you leave me here with empty words. Silence. I dont want to let you down what am I supposed to do? I'm just sober, I'm just taking care of our seed and your giving me a hard time. Playing hard ball. I am trying to make this work why must you be difficult
I am trying...
Silence is an answer
Tells a lot in itself
Have so much meaning
I hear it screaming
Yelling louder and louder
Why must you give me this response
Silence is screaming at me
I hear what your saying