Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. scorpio. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
Help me to get out of my past? Reliving in the trauma... Misery keeps me company. I flash back to the what was. It's affecting my present time. It's drowning me. I get lost in my head and it is hard to escape when you can't run from yourself. I am a prisoner of myself. I am not sure how to try when i don't know where to begin.please? Feedback here.....
I try to scream while my head is under water.
Wrapped in the past events.
Memories of the what was.
I feel like my mom's curse is passed on to me and it's me that chooses to live in my head. To drown in my replays. To suffocate in my daydreams. I wanted to be so much like her. I wasnt thinking of the flaws and unhealthy ways as well.
How do i move forward? I don't want to get so far gone. Im here in the present. Yet flashbacks take over my vision. I can say im trying...but I dont even know where to begin.
What do I want with myself? I'm barely okay. I suffer for my own demons. Drowning in my ocean of emotions. Can't breathe sobriety if my life depended upon it...i blame the trauma. But is ...
Sometimes I feel like ripping apart my skin and searching for a reason for why I feel this empty. maybe my veins are tangled, or something is lodged in my ribcage. Because it feels like something inside of me is missing or broken.
I know I'm hard to live. Some days Im all smiles and affection and then there other days there's nothing I want more than to be quiet and lie in bed. Some days i get angry about stupid things and won't want to talk to you. Other days I'll think you're the most perfect person in the world.
Please don't give up on me. I know it's not easy, but I'll always come back to you.
I remember a time when I believed in myself more than anything else. It was an amazing ...
What I like about the weather change
Colder weather requiring jackets
To cuddle warmth into.
Seeing your breath in the cold air at night
Being able to wear a t-shirt still in the day time
Some times. Hmmh. Being in the city I don't see very much of color changes in the trees.
I just see the people dress warmer and walk faster to get where they are going.
My name isn't spelt the season way. I'll tell you, it's autum not Autumn. Im a name not a season.
Oh and let's not forget the scorpio ♏ season. I love this time. :) the time of transitioning.
Gosh. I need to write on her. Its like this page is my relief I can always find comfort. Its like the feeling of going home. Home. Security. Safety. I miss home. Writing makes me feel like I am at home. That I am safe to release myself into these pages. Nobody knows me like this pen and pad do.
I got so much i want to say. To catch upon on....to discuss. But right now isnt the time for i am on my way to have a busy day with things to do. I am not dressing up for Halloween. Well for this party later tonight I will but it's relating to naughty things. Haha.
Oh I can tell you i went to universal studios fright night for the first time with my man and it was a blast. I got ...
Let me start by saying i'm going to be putting this into my own words about what I have read and I thought that others could benefit from this writing as well. I am going to give some of this a try... I'm also going to have my inputs and thoughts in the mix so I hope with what I'm about to write will make sense, even to me...
As we all know from my previous writings and figuring me out ... I am negative. I can be hard on myself, put out negative thoughts, all because I am holding on to negative feelings. Having these intense negative feelings inside is very unpleasant feeling. this unpleasant feelings varies it's intensity level on the negativity. The trick is to rely on your gut and not t...
.... Here's to the good life people say.
Sometimes i feel like something is wrong. I don't belong here. It'll all turn around. You never gave me a reason to doubt you. Memories i can't erase...i feel like i lost what i found. Some things are lost or left behind.
Maybe for someone else to discover.
I have habits following me.
I have traits that are passed down.
Its sad.... That we lose the good things, we lose the start of something new as it becomes old.
People change. Weather shifts. Nothing is ever as it once was or what it seemed....with time things move along. Everything switches up. For better or worse? Each person that comes and goes I seem to take a piece of them with me as i leave...
Its been awhile.... I was in the hospital with a kidney infection and I am home now, doing better... I need to apply for a job. I have been trying to reach out to zoey but Derrick family isnt cooperating with me. I am going to have to go through the courts to even have contact with her. It's sad really that they are acting this way and alientating me from her. :(
I am trying to hold myself together
Ill write more later gtg
You had this image of me. This side i showed... The talks of what i desire in you to perform the little self proclaimed slut that i was. Always trying to catch your eye. Can i make an impression that would have you falling for me.... I seen you I immediately felt drawn. Your strong personality was confident. You're words stayed true. Your kindness was genuine. You didn't play games from what my instinct tells. You showed me no dirt and done me no wrong.
I don't know where the time went, 3 and even more hours video chatting with you. Waking up every morning and seeing you put a smile every time on my face. Id hide my blushing face. Id giggle and twirl my hair. I love how you'd show me all you...
Wow. Thought you wanted me
You want to make this picture of me
That's painted in your colors
I am not what you see
I'm not black and white
I'm filled with colors of the
Rainbow filled with emotions
But you're too color blind to see
How beautiful i turned out to be.
I have a pot of gold. You'd be lucky
To find it
Could you just believe in me?
I know this is more than 4words .
I don't follow rules very well,
I couldn't help but to keep going.
Things are going
I need a better job
I need to drink more water
Eat more food.
When will my food stamps renew
I am doing all i can to maintain
My head above water.
Keegan helps me to feel.
I cry, sobbing into his arms
And he makes me feel at home
He wraps me up in safety
How my heart needs this
My pain can subside
It can be released
Awww that's sweet, I'm not sure that I'm all that inspirational or anything I'm just goofy random me & really talk to anyone who will listen to me, I'm happy u enjoyed my letters for sure & hope to keep in touch (glad I didn't come across as some weirdo haha) sometimes people don't enjoy random people reaching out to them in any way not even if it's to help i.e. once I told a girl on the bus she had a red spot on the back of her white shorts & she got mad at smh I try to not let those incidents keep me from helping others but idk sometimes I just feel akward & out of place like I'm a bother for engaging them...so thanks for ur acceptance & so u know I only allowed what it meant ...
I talk about anxiety too much
I speak of depression too often
Its not hard to change if you want to.
The good days turn into bad days.
The bad days make it hard to find faith.
I am a fuck up. Im trying to put together the pieces, but I can't hide the cracks.
My heart is full of sorrow.
I am responsible for the pain i harbor.
I am a fuck up. I hate that im this way.
Im a low life. I use this mask to disguise my pain. Im a reject, but im honest and i need your help.
I blame others cause i wont blame myself.
How is this happening?
Fuck you if you don't like me.
Fuck yeah. Id rather live my life than your life. Im a lowlife but its fine. Im a douche bag but im going to learn to love myself. I...
I have been going in circles it feels like these past 3-4 weeks
of trying to have my daughter back into my care.
I have spoken with attorneys and police offers.
now the next move is to file for custody with the court
and get her back that way. I hope that they will favor me
for I can be around and part of my child's life. after all,
she did come out of me.
My new man has been a big support in my life.
lifting me up. encouraging me. i'm working on myself, I am changing
my thinking pattern and working on my thoughts... I am working on
alot. I have a job orentation this weekend. yay! I will find out when I get
to go to work soon. I am going to be working seasonal flex position...
It's how you see me
I thought I had strength
No strong arms here
A weak mind
A weak love
You're weak i hear him say
My fallen tears aren't weak
As they slide my pain down my cheek
And drop onto your skin
My strong embraced hugs,
Squeezing tightly...not wanting you
To go. Don't run.
Standing here, my tattered heart in my dirty hands held out to you to take...
I am weak. But i am also strong.
I am weak for you. Strong in staying.
Love my weakness and embrace my strength.
Geez. Its always going back and forth to the akwardness. To the doubts. To the over thinking and over analysing. Its killing the mood. Killing it all. i am trying to give this all i got... I know my heart feels guarded, yet I feel comfortable to let him hold it. But he doesn't want my heart. He wants the sex, i guess with love you got to have the sexual experience or else you got what i got. An akward experience. Oh my god. It's so mind blowing. I don't understand it. I never been through any thing like before, I never been in these shoes. I love everything about this man. His demanor, character, his flaws, his morals, listening to stories of past moments he shares with me....he is someone i ...
Well, here is some writing I've written with my typewriter. i hope you enjoy my words as much as I love writing them.
Hey I feel the need to vent out some emotions and thoughts. I don't know how much more of the hurtful opinions, the mean words he calls me, hour by hour he will say something that just makes me feel less of ap erson than I already am. I think he has more respect and nicer words for a hooker than he does for me. I am always hearing words that hurt, that stick inside my head and shall never forget. He's aware that I've been tryingto fix my fucked up self esteem & yet he continues to destroy any value I have for myself.
Dear miguel franco,
Words come to play in my mind on things left unsaid, words that were now lost... i imagine you on a constant basis with my heart aching on how close I felt with you. You helped me to have more trust and faith in God. You could read me so easily that i never had to really explain myself. You treated me so good and were so understanding. Sometimes when things are going bad in my life with whatever situation thats failing, or my feelings being. Damaged or the stress that builds my worries inside myself you seem to be intuitive and can sense something is up. I believe we have a connection thats rare. I will never love or feel for another the way i do you. I am trying to tell m...
Ugh I hate that I can't have my kid right now. Bambi said she wants to wait till zoey gets better and she's not running s fever. She would have never gotten sick if she didn't go over to Bambi
Wow well we are going to go back to LA because the car needs work done on it. Things have gotten better with my man and I. Ugh take that back just now marriage got brought up with Derrick and I. Now he wants to introduce me as his ex wife and shit. I am telling him I wouldn't marry him again and I wouldn't I suppose.
I don't even know if you go on this site. I wish you a sober life. I miss the old times that we shared and it's a shame that we are where we are today maybe it's more of a blessing in a disguise
I have told you im leaving a hundred times.
And here I am welcoming you back in the door
To this dysfunction. I don't even know,my,own name when i am looking in the mirror. Aint it funny how the darkness makes us see things so clearly? We see it oh so differently.
You won't notice I'm gone until I'm already gone.
No way, no how would i take you back. You will not blackmail me with your high judgment. You won't havd control this time. You're a contradiction of yourself. You won't even notice that im gone until you wake up and are all alone. You're the ultimate deceiver. You'll crawl back and tell me how you changed, but i don't want you too. You can point fingers cause you're ultimate deceive...
I am stuck.
In my past.
Reminisce of memories, of people who used to be, the once was, the before,
I can run but can't hide from what my future holds. Whats happened is done
No more. It is what it is. No going back.
Just regrets, lost chances, the could of and what ifs, the life before pain, life before changes, the once upon a time is already written. So whats the happy ending ? How do I stop living in the past? Remain silent and ignore the memories. So many things can trigger my brain to think about what was.
I know what happens to one. Who lives in their past. They get lost in depression, they drown themselves with substance and abuse till it collapses the lungs and you suff...
I was hearing this voice i get in my head telling me bad things about myself and its not my own... I started arguing with myself in my voice telling it to stop and telling myself opposite of what it was saying.... Started thinking suicidal thoughts of ways to get hit by oncoming freeway traffic and all of a sudden I heard my mom's voice tell the other voice to stop, don't be telling me things like that. Instantly no more "bad" voice. My mom in her voice, says I got a purpose here. My daughter's name echos in my mind. I guess my mind zones out blank and when a song finishes playing i realize I don't hear any voices. Its quiet in my mind right now
My biggest regrets are related to what I wish I would have done differently, they are driven by emotions of self doubt, grief and blame of my self for what I did not do.
I didn't see my father when he was dying away in the hospital like I had promised him and now, i will never get to. I know that he would have been understanding and forgave me about this if he were to still be alive but this is my emotions i feel on the inside and i could have kept to my,word and seen him one last time. Now I got this ache in my heart running heavy through my darkness within my beating heart. If only i could start to forgive myself, but I am not ready to. I'd rather sit withmy misery for it thrives off my co...
When i shut my eyes and envision My happy place. I go to a make believe world, created by my wants and whats in my heart. If I tune into it intensely i can smell the smells of home. Smells of my father. My dog. My daughters. If i listen closely, i can hear my fathers words in my ear and the gruffness of his voice telling me he loves me. I could hear my little brother's laughter, giggling over the tickles my mother is recieving. I can hear my mom's smile, how happy she is to have me there, watching and enjoying the love she gives my little brother. I could feel someone following me, i look down and it's my dog, jasmine she's panting and looks up at me awaiting my next move. I look...
Feelings of doubt
This stamp here is comforting
Holding in anger, need to release my fury, my rage.
Dont know how to fill out this paperwork for custody
Don't have a job, no income coming
To show I'm able to
Missing my daughter, wishing I could see my mini me
Wondering how she is doing
Trying to remain stable
I'm losing my mind
What ifs cloud my mind, the worse may happen and my nightmare
Will turn into reality, not having her
Is such heartache I don't think I want to handle it or even know how
I keep telling myself that i have been through so much already that i can handle this ache, this pain that is stabbing me deep into the heart
What will happen, nobody knows.
I've been a fuck up my whole life.
I'm righting my wrongs.
But only to a certain point.
up all nights and dark nights,
I grew up around sinners.
No need to pretend. I am not right in the mind.
I know this. It's easier to deal with my thoughts
when there not going a hundred miles per hour.
I can sort it out better... I am fighting for my daughter
and my biggest fear is that I won't win her back,
that I will fall again into their shit and be controlled
all over again. I don't want that to happen, so I would never
go back to them. I can't allow myself to do that
and when I think about it, there's a mental voice within
me that screams NO. I am going to be better than that.
Anxious at first. Excitement
Something new. You're interesting
A new beginning. We took a chance on one another to see where we would be.
Expectations were made.
Impressions last forever.
Feelings shifting, spiriling into the depths of our insides. Who knew that we'd be daring to dive into the deep end. Hoping not to drown. Worried about the risk of fragile hearts breaking. Feelings are mutual.
Does sex and love really go hand in hans? We claim that love is in our hearts, this I believe to be real
No games. No bad intentions. Wanting happiness for each other. Yet we lay naked, showing all our vulnerable parts. No judgments are clouding our opinions. We over think, worried to lose one another...
I need to stop thinking about my ex
He doesn't need to be inside my head
No good memories to replay I need to
Press forward, not go reverse
I haven't contacted any of the family which is good. I don't need
To be fooled. To be played once again
I am refusing to be brain washed
Their intentions with me aren't pure, there not good... I need to stop giving them so much credit. It's hard... But the days get easier. My heart that was once hurt is still aching
That pain of him & I will always be there, when ever a memory replays
I'll feel it there inside my chest and along will come the disgust and hate.
Love seems to turn into hate from what I've seen. Expections of someone become disappointmen...