Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. scorpio. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
so much has happened I have been failing to update my writing on these current events that have taken place.
I will start off from where I left off. I still feel terrible for the wrongs that I done to my loved one... he never deserved the monster in me to lash out in ways that I am utterly ashamed. I tried making it up, making it better by sending his belongings to him and after the way I was treated by ex husband I finally got some insight I had been so blinded to see. I wasn't happy nor smiling or feeling like myself when I was in Vegas. I left, I left and took all my belongings of what I could with some help from some friends along the way. I anxiously awaited for him to arrive in whi...
man oh man. well i don't even know where to begin on the recent events that have taken place. I do know how I feel and I feel horrible. I am not a good person for the recent actions. I feel terrible. The boyfriend I had is no more.. He went to jail because of my ex husband had shown up.. I called him the night before telling him where things went wrong with me and boyfriend. I feel bad that he went to jail and I wasn't trying to get him in trouble for Domestic violence but it happened, neighbors spoke up about the noises they heard. A friend went to jail that shouldn't have and although he is all good now out and back at home I still feel bad about that too. I feel bad for taking from boyfrie...
I had to download this thru the Amazon apps for some reason lettrs can't be found on my google playstore. weird. i hope they dont shut this down. This app has helped release the deep parts of me.
I am always going through it it seems. I am talking to Nikki more and we get along. she just found out I wrote a book. boy. i hope she will like it and maybe she could relate too. man I seen zoey the other day and bambi tried to have her call me autum. I'm her mommy. a bond that deep never fades. nobody can ever take zoey away from me. I'm her mom. nothing changes that. i got a job interview today. I am going to rock it. i got good vibes. I am always seem to lose sleep. i dont care. fuck it. i am t...
Questions Page 4
46. Do you think Great Britain should be part of a united Europe?
I really don't have an opinion about it.
47. Have you ever eaten a whole tube of Pringles by yourself?
Of course! yes.
48. Do you like champagne, if so what is your favorite brand?
No thank you I will pass.
49. What nervous habits do you have?
I have a tendency to scratch at the back of my head.
50. What comforts you on bad days?
Petting my dog comforts me...writing.
51. What do you think should be a wonder of the world that currently isn't ?
I don't know....
52. What do you do when you and your best friend get into...
Questions..... Page 3
31. What is your greatest regret?
That when my daddy was dying in the hospital I didn't make it a priority to return back home to say my goodbyes, instead I avoided it and before he went in the hospital I had told him I would come back if he was to go before I could plan a trip out there...
32. How would you like to die?
In a car accident or accidental.
33. What is your motto?
hmm....Trust nobody, Not every one is your friend.
34. Do you like watching reruns?
When I would watch t.v. I would enjoy watching reruns. yes.
35. Have you ever won any kind of contest yourself?
Yes I know I have just can't recall which one it was...
Questions.... (page 2....)
16. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be ?
To stop dwelling in the past and move on..
17. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My children, although I just birthed them. My GED
18. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be ?
I would want to be a dog.
19. Where would you most like to live?
Some where in the hills, with ocean view and on a hill where my house overlooks it.
20. What is your most treasured possession?
I'd have to say my photos... of my family and myself, friends. memories. writing.
21. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
I bought this book at Target, called 3000 Questions About me and decided to post some questions on here and respond to them. Think it be interesting so here it goes.....
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
When you feel at peace within, comfort like home feeling.
2. What is your greatest fear?
That my children won't forgive me for the mistakes I've made.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
That I have an addictive personality. That I wallow in misery.
4. What is your greatest extravagance?
I spend money on useless creative things.
5. What is your current state of mind?
I am just trying to maintain bala...
I love the moon. Have I ever shared that with you about myself? I know I have about the ocean... but the moon. oh man. it's always there and even when it's unseen it still remains there. It lives in the night. it illuminates light when fully revealing it self to the world. They say that the moon governs your feelings, your past, your feelings about the past, and your sensory impression of events. how safe and wanted you feel is wrapped in "your moon" that's what astrology says in a book I read. Whenever you deeply trust and Rely on someone you're dealing with the moon.. the people we attract in our lives offer us opportunities to show up and be there for them as well as a chance to allow ours...
I've been reading books and I'm going to share some quotes from it that I liked.. relationships are an inside job. in order to achieve true intimacy, you must be willing to be loved, liked, and desired--even if it hurts, you fail or you have to cut your losses, and mourn. We fall in love; we don't step intentionally or gracefully into love- and sometimes it's painful.
how true that is.... you don't have to love yourself perfectly in order to have good sex, beautiful friendships, or healthy love relationships. if you're not a Good friend or loved to yourself it doesn't matter how many great people you surround yourself with, none of those things will feel like enough. relationships ebb and f...
It's kind of funny I was going to write a letter about how I feel annoyed or upset or whatever and something had me look at the engaging writing prompt and it's about whatI was going to say today..
It really bothers me when he has his attitude and he's a frustrated with me and takes it out on me with his way of saying things and making comments under his breath or have the huffing and puffing Breaths because I breathe wrong or because I chewed my food or anything that I do I guess that comes with the feeling of probably hatred he hates me and I probably deserve it. Gosh I got to stop thinking so negatively but it's hard when all I see is negative because it's hard for me to see it any ot...
Oh I need to release something onto this so called paper I pour my thoughts and emotions on. When I don't write I get this itch inside me and i start to think how id write, but then I get distracted and the thought of it just goes but the craving is still there.... I am in a funk my mood is numb. My mind goes blank and visions of the past that haunt me replay in my brain of things that happened, like the day my mother passed away and how it all went down. I can remember the exact thoughts that I had, the conversations that were made, the tears and the grief all are never far gone... I space out and I daze off, staring into the memory I relive.
On another note I am getting an appointment w...
Dear Autum Leona Markham,
I don't know where you're at with God in life!? Me...... Well let's just say we have a constant back an forth relationship! A game of tug of war better describes it. I'm not writing you trying to preach, or go what I like to call AA on ya, cause let's be honest here...... I'm not sober either. But from your writing we have the same heart that got twisted up years ago an now that we're older coping is something we can't seem to do. You wrote something about the voices in your head! An how your mom's voice was the one to protect you!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I fear of losing my Maude bring she's not in good health an the stress I cause her is enough to kill anyone...
Man this isn't good.
Why did I ever open my mouth about open relationship.
I wanted it for him. He doesn't believe this.
Doesn't grab the concept of why.
Assumptions got misconfusion lurking and he's not believing anything I say when I don't want or feel like doing another.
Now he's threatening, demanding that I perform a show of how I would be with another. Great. Just like my ex it's happening over again being forced to things I don't want to do. FML
Insanity. Is this what this is? Gtg hope I survive this night and still have my dignity and intact.
I am going to work on getting into outpatient because inpatient I feel that it is going to set me behind. I want to progress on adulting. job, house, etc.
I know I need counseling services. Man
I wish my parents would have told me that life hurts. I don't know where to put all the hurt I feel inside. I put it in my pocket with the lint that resides there, but it comes out of the wash.
I put it on my sleeve for everyone to read, but nobody cares. I wear it on my face, everyone can tell that i'm sad, that I have been through something..How do I get rid of this ache? I do positive thinking & the pain lingers, still there, being felt. I have learned to live with pain. It's been hard an...
I am feeling like i want to write. I enjoy and I will read self help books from time to time. On my own time and I felt the needed to share about what made me go "Aahh, okay I see..." My insight moments we can call them. I also came across some exercises that may help as long as I stay true and committed to doing them.
💪💁 in my words. Just gonna start randomly
Anger.... Try to focus on the constructive view it will SOFTEN the anger. Keep perspective, balance your own and others needs. Understand yourself better.
I need to listen fully before i judge a situation. People will want to help more if I talk to them respectfully. Strong anger makes you weak... I become out of control. Its up t...
Dear Autum Leona Markham,
I'm glad you wrote a letter to me. I have read some of your letters and I understand you have severe depression.
I can also sense your are very strong but it's getting difficult for you to tackle with all the negativity.
Now, I faced severe depression myself and I somehow pulled it off. I still struggle at times when negativity tries to pull me down.
Please don't feel that I don't understand what you are going through. Infact situation that you might be in, I might have not gone through that level of pain. But let me assure you that you can heal yourself no matter how bad the mindset is. All I can do is to push you consistently towards betterment.
You know, we...
Help me to get out of my past? Reliving in the trauma... Misery keeps me company. I flash back to the what was. It's affecting my present time. It's drowning me. I get lost in my head and it is hard to escape when you can't run from yourself. I am a prisoner of myself. I am not sure how to try when i don't know where to begin.please? Feedback here.....
I try to scream while my head is under water.
Wrapped in the past events.
Memories of the what was.
I feel like my mom's curse is passed on to me and it's me that chooses to live in my head. To drown in my replays. To suffocate in my daydreams. I wanted to be so much like her. I wasnt thinking of the flaws and unhealthy ways as well.
How do i move forward? I don't want to get so far gone. Im here in the present. Yet flashbacks take over my vision. I can say im trying...but I dont even know where to begin.
What do I want with myself? I'm barely okay. I suffer for my own demons. Drowning in my ocean of emotions. Can't breathe sobriety if my life depended upon it...i blame the trauma. But is ...
Sometimes I feel like ripping apart my skin and searching for a reason for why I feel this empty. maybe my veins are tangled, or something is lodged in my ribcage. Because it feels like something inside of me is missing or broken.
I know I'm hard to live. Some days Im all smiles and affection and then there other days there's nothing I want more than to be quiet and lie in bed. Some days i get angry about stupid things and won't want to talk to you. Other days I'll think you're the most perfect person in the world.
Please don't give up on me. I know it's not easy, but I'll always come back to you.
I remember a time when I believed in myself more than anything else. It was an amazing ...
What I like about the weather change
Colder weather requiring jackets
To cuddle warmth into.
Seeing your breath in the cold air at night
Being able to wear a t-shirt still in the day time
Some times. Hmmh. Being in the city I don't see very much of color changes in the trees.
I just see the people dress warmer and walk faster to get where they are going.
My name isn't spelt the season way. I'll tell you, it's autum not Autumn. Im a name not a season.
Oh and let's not forget the scorpio ♏ season. I love this time. :) the time of transitioning.
Gosh. I need to write on her. Its like this page is my relief I can always find comfort. Its like the feeling of going home. Home. Security. Safety. I miss home. Writing makes me feel like I am at home. That I am safe to release myself into these pages. Nobody knows me like this pen and pad do.
I got so much i want to say. To catch upon on....to discuss. But right now isnt the time for i am on my way to have a busy day with things to do. I am not dressing up for Halloween. Well for this party later tonight I will but it's relating to naughty things. Haha.
Oh I can tell you i went to universal studios fright night for the first time with my man and it was a blast. I got ...
Let me start by saying i'm going to be putting this into my own words about what I have read and I thought that others could benefit from this writing as well. I am going to give some of this a try... I'm also going to have my inputs and thoughts in the mix so I hope with what I'm about to write will make sense, even to me...
As we all know from my previous writings and figuring me out ... I am negative. I can be hard on myself, put out negative thoughts, all because I am holding on to negative feelings. Having these intense negative feelings inside is very unpleasant feeling. this unpleasant feelings varies it's intensity level on the negativity. The trick is to rely on your gut and not t...
.... Here's to the good life people say.
Sometimes i feel like something is wrong. I don't belong here. It'll all turn around. You never gave me a reason to doubt you. Memories i can't erase...i feel like i lost what i found. Some things are lost or left behind.
Maybe for someone else to discover.
I have habits following me.
I have traits that are passed down.
Its sad.... That we lose the good things, we lose the start of something new as it becomes old.
People change. Weather shifts. Nothing is ever as it once was or what it seemed....with time things move along. Everything switches up. For better or worse? Each person that comes and goes I seem to take a piece of them with me as i leave...
Its been awhile.... I was in the hospital with a kidney infection and I am home now, doing better... I need to apply for a job. I have been trying to reach out to zoey but Derrick family isnt cooperating with me. I am going to have to go through the courts to even have contact with her. It's sad really that they are acting this way and alientating me from her. :(
I am trying to hold myself together
Ill write more later gtg
You had this image of me. This side i showed... The talks of what i desire in you to perform the little self proclaimed slut that i was. Always trying to catch your eye. Can i make an impression that would have you falling for me.... I seen you I immediately felt drawn. Your strong personality was confident. You're words stayed true. Your kindness was genuine. You didn't play games from what my instinct tells. You showed me no dirt and done me no wrong.
I don't know where the time went, 3 and even more hours video chatting with you. Waking up every morning and seeing you put a smile every time on my face. Id hide my blushing face. Id giggle and twirl my hair. I love how you'd show me all you...
Wow. Thought you wanted me
You want to make this picture of me
That's painted in your colors
I am not what you see
I'm not black and white
I'm filled with colors of the
Rainbow filled with emotions
But you're too color blind to see
How beautiful i turned out to be.
I have a pot of gold. You'd be lucky
To find it
Could you just believe in me?
I know this is more than 4words .
I don't follow rules very well,
I couldn't help but to keep going.
Things are going
I need a better job
I need to drink more water
Eat more food.
When will my food stamps renew
I am doing all i can to maintain
My head above water.
Keegan helps me to feel.
I cry, sobbing into his arms
And he makes me feel at home
He wraps me up in safety
How my heart needs this
My pain can subside
It can be released
Awww that's sweet, I'm not sure that I'm all that inspirational or anything I'm just goofy random me & really talk to anyone who will listen to me, I'm happy u enjoyed my letters for sure & hope to keep in touch (glad I didn't come across as some weirdo haha) sometimes people don't enjoy random people reaching out to them in any way not even if it's to help i.e. once I told a girl on the bus she had a red spot on the back of her white shorts & she got mad at smh I try to not let those incidents keep me from helping others but idk sometimes I just feel akward & out of place like I'm a bother for engaging them...so thanks for ur acceptance & so u know I only allowed what it meant ...
I talk about anxiety too much
I speak of depression too often
Its not hard to change if you want to.
The good days turn into bad days.
The bad days make it hard to find faith.
I am a fuck up. Im trying to put together the pieces, but I can't hide the cracks.
My heart is full of sorrow.
I am responsible for the pain i harbor.
I am a fuck up. I hate that im this way.
Im a low life. I use this mask to disguise my pain. Im a reject, but im honest and i need your help.
I blame others cause i wont blame myself.
How is this happening?
Fuck you if you don't like me.
Fuck yeah. Id rather live my life than your life. Im a lowlife but its fine. Im a douche bag but im going to learn to love myself. I...
I have been going in circles it feels like these past 3-4 weeks
of trying to have my daughter back into my care.
I have spoken with attorneys and police offers.
now the next move is to file for custody with the court
and get her back that way. I hope that they will favor me
for I can be around and part of my child's life. after all,
she did come out of me.
My new man has been a big support in my life.
lifting me up. encouraging me. i'm working on myself, I am changing
my thinking pattern and working on my thoughts... I am working on
alot. I have a job orentation this weekend. yay! I will find out when I get
to go to work soon. I am going to be working seasonal flex position...