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Autum Leona Markham

PO# 94882
United States
United States
poetry. endless words.Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.
July 8, 2020

lazy days
nothing happenings
hustles are coming
rents still not paid
trying to make ends meet
to survive in this world today.
lonely out here
nobody near
where was you?
tears in his eyes,
sadness comes in waves
crashed upon my shoreline
with the sun setting no sun is shining
darkness caving in and
i'm still trying to float.
wondering when will the sea drown me ?
hold me deep down,
drown me in this endless
bottom pit where you claim me

March 7, 2020

Dear Autum ,

I'm doing! Everyday is a struggle but I think that's just life. I mean it wouldn't be any fun if everything was perfect I guess. But over all I can say that I go to sleep happy. What's going on in you're world?

June 29, 2020
Los Angeles, United States

Now I know

Boys don’t have cooties
Hearts really do break
Santa is pretend
My bio dad really didn’t want me
That blood is really a thing
Mind games are used against us
Weakness is someone’s play
Manipulation is really a thing
It was weed that had that funny air
Drugs are hard to get off
Addiction and habits are the damn near the same
Internal Pain never goes away
Love doesn’t die
Hatred was proof you once cared
Dogs are mans best friend

June 27, 2020

Sweedles creative corner

Pain first. The ache. The hurt.
wounds. Bruise. Torn apart.
Inside my soul, inside my heart.
Agony and torture
Wondering when life will be over
Sadness swept me away
Drifted me, drowned me
Now how do I know
where do I begin...
when I don’t even know where I am. Lost inside my mind.
Nobody can hear how loud I’m screaming inside my mind.
My misery, my grave I so proudly lay in.  
Waiting to wake up with the fleas after laying with dogs who
Stay by my side.
I don’t mind the itch
If it’s the loyalty I get for
The price I pay.

#list of things #sweedlesprompts
Sweedles creative corner

June 27, 2020
Los Angeles, United States

I may be lost and idk where to go from here. I don’t know why I don’t follow the signs when they are loud and clear. I’ve been damned by addiction and lately I’ve drowned to in my pain. I could inhale it all and still feel alright let this pain exhale but side effects hit strong. I just wanna do this life what’s happening with me is on me and no need to worry just let me be is how you do. Thanks for the check up, you don’t notice me when I go absence. When I go blank. When I disappear. That’s okay you’re busy, important tasks at hand but having a thought or a wonder if I am ok just flies right by because that’s not how you were brought up, to check on loved ones you once claimed family. Get i...

July 21, 2015
Las Vegas, United States

I haven't written in a long while. I need writing to release the intensity of my emotions. I like having Miguel to be able to open up to. I like that I feel Miguel can be my best friend, my rider, my true friend. staying over at Rhiannons house & hearing the nice comments they had to say about my man, made me feel good & I know it wasn't bullshit. They accept him for who he is & didn't have a bad word to say as far as I know. I miss my man. I am excited & looking forward to him getting out of jail & going to the Rescue Mission. We are finally going to be able to get started on getting back what we made, our daughter. I can't stop thinking about her. my heart aches for my girl, my mind is cons...

June 22, 2020

a day late but here it is
happy father's day to my daddy up in heaven above.
This year I didnt wallow in the sadness I have here
when any happy days without you goes.
I spent it with my uncle kurt and terry blackwell
it was great to be surrounded by people that really do
love my uncle and support him.
it still amazes me to see how much support he has.
i'm happy that he has that.
he needs it; so do i. but if anything i'm glad that he does.
i am trying to create a support system it's just really hard
to find good, honest real people out there.
mine is small.
i hope that my friend jojo gets out soon.
he's been down for too long and i know that he's anxious to
get out. i also ...

June 20, 2020
Los Angeles, United States

I can say I’m sorry but I’m not. I can tell you that I meant to write to you but I have no reason. Simplest way to do deal with these emotions of webs is to clean out this mess.
Let’s hear something new. Uncle has cancer and is fighting the battle, yet the battle field still kicking up blood and tears. I am not sure what to do to handle this. I need a grip on reality. I need these lenses cleaner. Speak up, darling for I can hear it clearer. You say this shit with your heart, you’re not gonna want to do this alone. No more taking advantage of life when it’s affecting you with your life and in the way you move. Staying strong is all that seems to go on. Holding it together, broken as it is but...

April 30, 2020

Anxiety to the fullest. Stress is here.
My mind runs in circles, had a long day.
I feel so far from perfect. I feel like i'm getting
consumed in this misery. Nervous. Panic. Anxiety.
Worry. Afraid. gets worse and worse. I'm tired of crying.
I can't accept myself. I feel like dying inside. It's nobody's
fault but my own. It's my own actions that make me
feel incomplete, that make me insane. I get tired of
hearing negative voices, It worries me when they sound
just like my own voice. I worked so hard on getting these
voices away, what happened to my fantasty of make believe
that I was normal like you?
I feel so close to the edge that I may take a nose dive.
I feel trapped in...

April 30, 2020

whats a friend when they arent really there for you
whats a drug when it still keeps you wrapped in your thoughts
and all you're looking for is an escape
whats the point in love when you're fighting and arguing
throwing punches and ughs
i dont know what i'm going to do i tell my self i'm never going to do this again when i really needed help you werent there
i get these voices in my head
i dont want to hear your mouth.
why the fuck you got to get me started
i want to skip the talking and just get this drug
i dont know what i'm going to do without this smoke
i feel like i'm my only friend and even i'm against myself
Angels don't fly.
I'm all out of wishes, follow me to the dark i'...

April 22, 2020

I sorta feel like journaling. It’s weird how I can just feel the need, the desire to pour my heart out. or my brain for that matter. I am feeling like it’s the end of the world. It practically litterally is for most of us with this pandemic out.
          I can’t even say that I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation because well, let’s face it... I’m not. I am depressed but when haven’t I been? I seem to live with it on a daily and I feel myself getting more down each day. Life gets hard and we all have bad hair days... I know that I need to make some changes in order for things to start improving. I do alot of mental self help with myself on my own, it seems to help the sanity I hav...

April 14, 2020

man. whats the deal lately?
I am a closed book, thinking about that... thinking about this.
I am always on the verge of relapsing. I am trying to make my wrongs into rights,
trying to fix the damage, or soften the blow.
It's not good enough. It's not enough.
you are seeking something more than what I am giving.
Not putting out enough.
not doing enough. Talk to you with my hands tied.
Everybody has a dark side, I am so ashamed when they see mine
Rain falls, dark clouds, no sunshine in this soul. can it really be true?
The clouds are parting, but it's all lies. Shouldn't I see the sunshine now?
Am I really a lost one or am I a good person? Feeling so judged.
will this be all ...

March 28, 2020

so much has happened  I have been failing to update my writing on these current events that have taken place.
I will start off from where I left off. I still feel terrible for the wrongs that I done to my loved one... he never deserved the monster in me to lash out in ways that I am utterly ashamed. I tried making it up, making it better by sending his belongings to him and after the way I was treated by ex husband I finally got some insight I had been so blinded to see. I wasn't happy nor smiling or feeling like myself  when I was in Vegas. I left, I left and took all my belongings of what I could with some help from some friends along the way. I anxiously awaited for him to arrive in  whi...

February 27, 2020

man oh man. well i don't even know where to begin on the recent events that have taken place. I do know how I feel and I feel horrible. I am not a good person for the recent actions. I feel terrible. The boyfriend I had is no more.. He went to jail because of my ex husband had shown up.. I called him the night before telling him where things went wrong with me and boyfriend. I feel bad that he went to jail and I wasn't trying to get him in trouble for Domestic violence but it happened, neighbors spoke up about the noises they heard. A friend went to jail that shouldn't have and although he is all good now out and back at home I still feel bad about that too. I feel bad for taking from boyfrie...

February 10, 2020

I had to download this thru the Amazon apps for some reason lettrs can't be found on my google playstore. weird. i hope they dont shut this down. This app has helped release the deep parts of me.

I am always going through it it seems. I am talking to Nikki more and we get along. she just found out I wrote a book. boy. i hope she will like it and maybe she could relate too. man I seen zoey the other day and bambi tried to have her call me autum. I'm her mommy. a bond that deep never fades. nobody can ever take zoey away from me. I'm her mom. nothing changes that. i got a job interview today. I am going to rock it. i got good vibes. I am always seem to lose sleep. i dont care. fuck it. i am t...

February 7, 2020

Questions    Page 4

46. Do you think Great Britain should be part of a united Europe?
                  I really don't have an opinion about it.

47. Have you ever eaten a whole tube of Pringles by yourself?
       Of course! yes.

48. Do you like champagne, if so what is your favorite brand?
                   No thank you I will pass.

49. What nervous habits do you have?
     I have a tendency to scratch at the back of my head.

50. What comforts you on bad days?
    Petting my dog comforts me...writing.

51. What do you think should be a wonder of the world that currently isn't ?
        I don't know....

52. What do you do when you and your best friend get into...

February 3, 2020

Questions..... Page 3

31. What is your greatest regret?
    That when my daddy was dying in the hospital I didn't make it a priority to return back home to say my goodbyes, instead I avoided it and before he went in the hospital I had told him I would come back if he was to go before I could plan a trip out there...

32. How would you like to die?
   In a car accident or accidental.

33. What is your motto?
   hmm....Trust nobody, Not every one is your friend.

34. Do you like watching reruns?
   When I would watch t.v. I would enjoy watching reruns. yes.

35. Have you ever won any kind of contest yourself?
   Yes I know I have just can't recall which one it was...

36. Wha...

February 3, 2020

Questions.... (page 2....)

16. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be ?
      To stop dwelling in the past and move on..

17. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
     My children, although I just birthed them. My GED

18. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be ?
     I would want to be a dog.

19. Where would you most like to live?
    Some where in the hills, with ocean view and on a hill where my house overlooks it.

20. What is your most treasured possession?
   I'd have to say my photos... of my family and myself, friends. memories. writing.

21. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

February 3, 2020

I bought this book at Target, called 3000 Questions About me and decided to post some questions on here and respond to them. Think it be interesting so here it goes.....

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
         When you feel at peace within, comfort like home feeling.

2. What is your greatest fear?
         That my children won't forgive me for the mistakes I've made.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
         That I have an addictive personality. That I wallow in misery.

4. What is your greatest extravagance?
          I spend money on useless creative things.

5. What is your current state of mind?
         I am just trying to maintain bala...

February 1, 2020

I love the moon. Have I ever shared that with you about myself? I know I have about the ocean... but the moon. oh man. it's always there and even when it's unseen it still remains there. It lives in the night. it illuminates light when fully revealing it self to the world. They say that the moon governs your feelings, your past, your feelings about the past, and your sensory impression of events. how safe and wanted you feel is wrapped in "your moon" that's what astrology says in a book I read. Whenever you deeply trust and Rely on someone you're dealing with the moon.. the people we attract in our lives offer us opportunities to show up and be there for them as well as a chance to allow ours...

February 1, 2020

I've been reading books and I'm going to share some quotes from it that I liked.. relationships are an inside job. in order to achieve true intimacy, you must be willing to be loved, liked, and desired--even if it hurts, you fail or you have to cut your losses, and mourn. We fall in love; we don't step intentionally or gracefully into love- and sometimes it's painful.
how true that is.... you don't have to love yourself perfectly in order to have good sex, beautiful friendships, or healthy love relationships. if you're not a Good friend or loved to yourself it doesn't matter how many great people you surround yourself with, none of those things will feel like enough. relationships ebb and f...

January 22, 2020

It's kind of funny I was going to write a letter about how I feel annoyed or upset or whatever and something had me look at the engaging writing prompt and it's about whatI was going to say today..  

It really bothers me when he has his attitude and he's a frustrated with me and takes it out on me with his way of saying things and making comments under his breath or have the huffing and puffing Breaths because I breathe wrong or because I chewed my food or anything that I do I guess that comes with the feeling of probably hatred he hates me and I probably deserve it. Gosh I got to stop thinking so negatively but it's hard when all I see is negative because it's hard for me to see it any ot...

January 13, 2020

Oh I need to release something onto this so called paper I pour my thoughts and emotions on. When I don't write I get this itch inside me and i start to think how id write, but then I get distracted and the thought of it just goes but the craving is still there.... I am in a funk my mood is numb. My mind goes blank and visions of the past that haunt me replay in my brain of things that happened, like the day my mother passed away and how it all went down. I can remember the exact thoughts that I had, the conversations that were made, the tears and the grief all are never far gone... I space out and I daze off, staring into the memory I relive.
   On another note I am getting an appointment w...

December 10, 2019

Dear Autum Leona Markham,

I don't know where you're at with God in life!? Me...... Well let's just say we have a constant back an forth relationship! A game of tug of war better describes it. I'm not writing you trying to preach, or go what I like to call AA on ya, cause let's be honest here...... I'm not sober either. But from your writing we have the same heart that got twisted up years ago an now that we're older coping is something we can't seem to do. You wrote something about the voices in your head! An how your mom's voice was the one to protect you!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I fear of losing my Maude bring she's not in good health an the stress I cause her is enough to kill anyone...

December 6, 2019

Man this isn't good.
Why did I ever open my mouth about open relationship.
I wanted it for him. He doesn't believe this.
Doesn't grab the concept of why.
Assumptions got misconfusion lurking and he's not believing anything I say when I don't want or feel like doing another.
Now he's threatening, demanding that I perform a show of how I would be with another. Great. Just like my ex it's happening over again being forced to things I don't want to do. FML
Insanity. Is this what this is? Gtg hope I survive this night and still have my dignity and intact.

November 30, 2019

I am going to work on getting into outpatient because inpatient I feel that it is going to set me behind. I want to progress on adulting. job, house, etc.
I know I need counseling services. Man
I wish my parents would have told me that life hurts. I don't know where to put all the hurt I feel inside. I put it in my pocket with the lint that resides there, but it comes out of the wash.
I put it on my sleeve for everyone to read, but nobody cares. I wear it on my face, everyone can tell that i'm sad, that I have been through something..How do I get rid of this ache? I do positive thinking & the pain lingers, still there, being felt. I have learned to live with pain. It's been hard an...

November 22, 2019

I am feeling like i want to write. I enjoy and I will read self help books from time to time. On my own time and I felt the needed to share about what made me go "Aahh, okay I see..." My insight moments we can call them. I also came across some exercises that may help as long as I stay true and committed to doing them.
💪💁 in my words. Just gonna start randomly
Anger.... Try to focus on the constructive view it will SOFTEN the anger. Keep perspective, balance your own and others needs. Understand yourself better.
I need to listen fully before i judge a situation. People will want to help more if I talk to them respectfully. Strong anger makes you weak... I become out of control. Its up t...

November 21, 2019

Dear Autum Leona Markham,

I'm glad you wrote a letter to me. I have read some of your letters and I understand you have severe depression.

I can also sense your are very strong but it's getting difficult for you to tackle with all the negativity.

Now, I faced severe depression myself and I somehow pulled it off. I still struggle at times when negativity tries to pull me down.

Please don't feel that I don't understand what you are going through. Infact situation that you might be in, I might have not gone through that level of pain. But let me assure you that you can heal yourself no matter how bad the mindset is. All I can do is to push you consistently towards betterment.

You know, we...

November 20, 2019

Help me to get out of my past? Reliving in the trauma... Misery keeps me company. I flash back to the what was. It's affecting my present time. It's drowning me. I get lost in my head and it is hard to escape when you can't run from yourself. I am a prisoner of myself. I am not sure how to try when i don't know where to begin.please? Feedback here.....

November 20, 2019

I try to scream while my head is under water.
Wrapped in the past events.
Memories of the what was.
I feel like my mom's curse is passed on to me and it's me that chooses to live in my head. To drown in my replays. To suffocate in my daydreams. I wanted to be so much like her. I wasnt thinking of the flaws and unhealthy ways as well.
How do i move forward? I don't want to get so far gone. Im here in the present. Yet flashbacks take over my vision. I can say im trying...but I dont even know where to begin.
What do I want with myself? I'm barely okay. I suffer for my own demons. Drowning in my ocean of emotions. Can't breathe sobriety if my life depended upon it...i blame the trauma. But is ...