Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. 23yrs.old. scorpio. 2 daughters. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
I could make him feel like a king but I won’t because he’s full of imperfections.
In my eyes he could be the best man anyone could ask for,
But my view doesn’t see because he’s full of insecurities that are taken out on me. Making me go blind to see what greatness he could be.
I just see hate and anger.
Pity was here, Laughing at my swollen up face.
Bruises to mark me. What happened to the kisses ? Not even bite marks to claim me. Just black and blue is how he made me.
Never allowing my body a chance to recover, just keep on doing this and I’ll become used to it. No longer will it hurt like it has the first time it was done. I don’t know what to do with myself mentally. No words are makin...
He is starting to have this be a habit always hitting me now for anything that I do
Attitudes are justified by hits to the face
Throwing things now I’ll get the point.
Whispers in my ear, feeling bad and how sorry he is
But it’s a bunch of lies
Cause he does it again the next day with more force and for what pity reasons.
Being friends with enemy’s and
Playing games, stirring secrets and all for what? Entertaining yourself. The bruises no longer come from pleasure in the bedroom. How I miss the feelings of those.
These marks I have been wearing are becoming blacker and bluer as each day new ones come to surface.
Fuck, my face is black and blue with bumps from you to show everyone what...
As I await to leave my in laws home to go handle business with moving our home to a new spot. I’m wondering where the future is going with being that he might have got himself in some troubles. It saddens me and worries me every time he goes out if he will get caught up in something that really wasn’t worth it. What a shame. I shouldn’t have to worry like this. It’s nerve wrecking. He says it’s to support us and to help us survive when there are other ways to go about working. Hustling doesn’t have to consist of illegal activity and for laws to be broken. It’s my choosing to be with him and. I know that with this “hustling” lifestyle there’s a price to be paid as it gets further in debt wit...
I can't doordash because he won't let me it's bullshit....
Can't even make my own money to pay for my phone I broke the screen on. Ugh he says he has money yet he won't pay for it so what am I supposed to do.
I am not sure he is always keeping me from doing anything I want to do it feels like. I even offered to put money in the gas tank so he doesn't have to. I don't know why he won't allow me. I am legal I have my license. The car is legit. We are supposed to go to the campground we reserved for a week near his nephews. He has to fix his dads car still and he also has to sell some stuff that we have. We want to double tow with our Rv but aren't sure if it will be allowed or if we wil...
So I just try not to think about what I lost. I ignore the thought to help keep me from my emotions. Stop my head from going in deep into insanity. I am hanging in there. I am trying to hold anyone responsibility. There's a purpose to everything that happens right ? Even though I don't know what I could possibly benefit from losing all that I had left of my so called home That's washed away. Throw Away is more what it feels like. My sister still won't talk to me. It sucks, seems like ever since my father passed away the family gets more torn apart and as more loved ones time come to an end the more we grow apart. It doesn't make sense of how long ago we were all so close and a family. What ha...
Ugh I am so upset and distraught over what I lost with my sentimental things I had from my family. The last piece of my life that felt like home is now forever no more. No longer here with me and it hurts. Ugh he made a promise and swore that it would be safe I can't believe all my things are gone. He knew it would be though he just thought by chance they would keep my stuff but how wrong.... I'm hurt. I don't want to marry him anymore. I sure don't want to now that I know I should have never trusted him at all. I am not sure what to do I know I need to just let it go but still the pain remains all the same and the ache still lingers there never fading away. I just need to learn to get comfor...
All actions have a purpose our actions Aren't Random we are always trying to achieve something although we may not be aware of what that is. A person is not their behavior. When a person has a. Better choice of behavior that also achieves their positive intention they will take it. From a nlp book I'm currently had started reading tonight
Loved ones will break your heart with or without you. Turns out adults don't know everything. Lines on my face my teeth aren't white. My eyes don't work and legs don't move right. I made a discovery life isn't forever and lunch isn't free.
I heard that tonight from a song i was listening to on Spotify. Thought I'd share this....
I want to go out tonight but i doubt I'll be able to since he'll disagree to letting me use the car to door dash (job i do that i deliver food to customers) it's convenient since i get to set up my own schedule and can do it whenever. It's extra money in my bank account. I think I'll just go for a walk, wander into the field of unknown and just sit and stare at the ...
I like to stay up late at night
Hearing the silence scream so loud
A city to my self
The strangers and sidewalks
Nothing distracts me
It always brings me back to thoughts and memories of you.
You cloud my brain
Pouring emotions so deep
It really ought to be raining and
Grey out with the way I am feeling
I don't want you to leave
I want to see you happy
Things will never be the same
Will it ever return to the used to be's? "Like before this disaster
Before the end of us.
I can only wonder and imagine
Make pretend of how it was
And I love to sleep, in the comfort of your arms embracing me
Warmth and home is what words I can describe when I lay my aching head upon your c...
Emotions stirring I don't know whether to hate him or maybe it's better to just not love him nor hate him just to be emotionless better yet I'm numb
I just want to be held to be nonexistent more like.
I need comfort I need to be held to be told I'm sorry it's ok. But none of that comes from him it's just ice coldness I receive and it hurts more than ever before. I am not going to let this ruin me, even though it ruins us. Whatever love I had has vanished just like that. Just evaporated from thin air that we breathe. I'm not sure how to handle this nor will I tell him what I need from him to make this better. I shouldn't have to tell him he should know by instinct what to do to make...
I just read something that I believe is true
A heart doesn't get cold unless it's been treated cold for awhile.
I feel like I've become bitter and just more bitterness is going to be coming, waiting there for me in my future. I feel like I am hating people and I hate to get attached to people. To believe that someone cares about me scares me and I don't wAnt to deal with the hardships that's bound to happen some time. It sucks when family,loved ones, people who you thought would never do you wrong can treat you like your nobody and un love you. To turn their back on you so easily and swiftly. I hate that people can be so misleading. You never know what their true intention was un...
He can get her pregnant and she has what freedom to do whatever she wants with her son yet when it comes to me I have to ask permission and follow rules. What the fuck. Then she can do and go as she pleases with her kid while i have to make sure it's OK with him. It's unfair. He got me pregnant for control over me and he got it. But what the hell did he get her pregnant for? She disrespected my babysitter and ripped her off for some money, won't even apologize for it and curses him out. Had it been me to have done that it wouldn't have been OK I'd get my ass put in place for it. But why does he let her get away with it? Whatever. Unfair and not cool in my view. Not from where I'm standing i h...
Things have been good, everybody is getting along other than the dogs they got into another fight today and max is injured again I feel bad for him and hope he gets better. Zoey is almost ready to walk she's practicing and standing up on her own now. Ilka is doing good she had an ear infection but it's better now. I can't wait to leave to go to Indiana and visit with my family. I miss them all so much. I'm anxious for the day we adventure out east. I have been just cleaning and it seems that it's all I do every day. I am getting sleep every night. I want to get my nails done I was trying to today but it didn't happen. I am feeling like I need to do something with my life like get a job or cr...
Well we are starting our adventure in our 40foot bus towing along 24ft trailer. We are picking up the Mini Cooper and then picking up the baby stuff from my husbands sister house. Things have been going good as you can see I don't write as much when I'm in a blissful state. I am sorry for the lack of writing I do when things are going smooth. I am just taking it day by day. I have my daughter with me and it's a blast. She's growing everyday so big
Well I am ready to visit family and it sucks my grandpa wasn't able to see me because he was busy with vacation to Kansas and South Dakota. I hope to see him even if I have to take a plane and rent a hotel it'd be great to see him one last...
I love being in a content good feeling mood. It brings bliss and lifts up my soul I feel. I am happy and things are okay. I wish we were at California though I am trying to get myself fixed a bit and work on some things like with my attitude and getting out of hand with derrick.
I don't know why I get off with getting physical especially in the bedroom
Like when he chokes me and I pass out I can tell if it's shorter than long or vice Versa. I at times get scared but I enjoy the rush, it's like a sickness I have for a Stockholm syndrome relationship deal. I am weird. Nothings too rough well I take that back. I do have limits I am willing to take it just a bit further, danger ahead, warning I ...
I look and hear about you
How you've come so far with being a better person than you were yesterday.
I am proud and I am disappointed that I lost such a friend. You were true to me and although you still don't believe me I have no secrets anymore to keep from you. You know what's what. you always assume too much and stuff that just isn't true but still I can't get you to see the honesty I'm really telling you. You hate what I've done and who I have become. I am sorry I don't live up to your expections. You want to hate me it seems like it is easier for you to ignore your feelings for me. I wish it wasn't this way. It's a shame when two people that love each other can't be together because w...
I am hurt & yet I keep quiet I can feel that the tension inside me is building up inside me
It's hot & he only wants me to take care of the baby
He was happy to get rid of me
Had to have his sister do it for him
He's such a lame I think to myself.
Why do I choose to be with someone who
Does not want me ? Only when it's convenient.
No apologizes no remorse no forgiveness & now it's just
A curse. A bad luck to be in such a relationship like this.
It's crazy. It's not right. You shouldn't be doing that.
Yet here we are at it again & doing the strangest of things that normal people don't contribute to.
I'm sweaty & I'm angry.
I'm angry for what's happening around me.
For him being only one...
Man I messed up again when my intention was to only just help.
Fuck i feel bad especially when he just told me not to do it with remodeling our home I should have been thinking more instead of acting so suddenoh. Ugh. I'm frustrated with myself. This sucks I always seem to mess up and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Now hes mad at me. Doesn't even want to associate with me. I mess up constantly when can i give myself a break. I need to get things right. He still don't like my attitude towards other people that come and go in life. I am going to have to remember to stop calling him names when we fight and argue
I need to get my attitude right, shit... i am getting out of hand. Bec...
Wow it's been forever it feels like that I have written
My soul so badly has been needing it's fixed to be released
Sind hatred and negativity stirring up in my being. It's dying to get out of myself. I am arguing and been fighting with Derrick for couple days now. It's sad I wish it wasn't like this. I have been just cleaning everyday now & that's pretty much It. I want to go fill out for food stamps & cash assistant in the state of California. Derrick is working on having the car worked on & getting it fix so that we will be mobile. I hope that all goes well with the Mini Cooper I miss driving it. Even though I'm the one that gets accused of burning out the clutch which I must admit yeah t...
Hello how are you? I hope that all is well thank you for all that you have done for me. I know your in heaven smiling down at all of us. I miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about you . I Always imagine what life would be like if you were here with me. I wish you see and meet. My daughters. They're growing so big and so fast. I wish you could be here. I am always going to remember you And my heart will always miss you. I could never forget you, your mom nobody can or will ever take your place. Your always going to be my mom. Thank you and I love you. I hope that your happy. Xoxox hope you can read this and know that i am thinking of you this mother days
Today is mother day
I don't really like to celebrate it
Being that my mom passed away
I don't have her here to show how much I miss her and how much I love her.
I am a mom now, I'm glad to have celebrated with my youngest daughter
I hope that ilka had a good day, I'm sure she did with her family.
I just got Zoey to lay down she didn't want to go to bed I wouldn't either if I was her. My daughter is going to get sitters tonight and although I'm going to miss her I need the break. I am wanting to have her back though right away. I doubt that will happen though since my daughter's sitter loves her and wants her constantly . I am lucky to have her in our lives she's great with Zoey. I reall...
i'm sad, i'm hurt, i'm disappointed, i'm angry but you know what? i'll put on a smile and move on. it will hurt, but i will survive. i've been through this before. I wasn't added onto the obituary of my brother and it hurts me because he had consider me his sister growing up. i've been in this family since diapers. He has always supported what Dad taught us about unconditonal love. I believe both of them. Bob is the one who excluded me of being listed as the family. Although it hurts and to contact him about it, well the response i got was sacarstic and rude. he doesn't care. i am sadden by this, but it's not like I didn't see it coming now. I just need to remember that Dale didn't feel that ...
I don't know if you get lettrs in Heaven. I am not sure if you can read what I am writing to you or if you know what's going on I hope that you do. I just want to let you know, I am missing you alot. I am sad by your absence in this world. I was really looking forward to coming out there with my family and visiting you, showing you my family that I had made with my husband and daughter. I wanted to show you that I am doing good in life. I am sad that I can't make you at least a little bit proud. I hope that there wasn't any hard feelings between us I don't think that there was. I am sorry for what you were going through that made you feel you had to take your own life. I don't lo...
Oh man. Another family member dead. A tragedy. Pain comes in like a wave upon a shore. It doesn't feel real. This is unbelievable I'm trying to to grasp reality. Trying to wake up from this dream. I am taking it All in. Tears come to my eyes. I cry half the day away, swollen and now my head hurts. What was going through his Mind the moment my big brother took his life? What were the voices saying? Was he already planning this and for how long? He was better than this. He could have just asked for help. His son seen the nightmare, always going to haunt him the picture of his dad blood every where and a hole in his head. Too late to stop him. My heart goes out to Zach. Brandon and. Derek and ...
Ugh this sucks. She feels alone, he's being mean & cold to her. Stubborn humans, standing their ground. No budging no compromise. Just laying it down no way to get them to swallow pride
Ideas come about
What ifs linger thru each of their minds and in reality it's all because of me being in the way. I'm the underline issue. I try to talk to one giving it a try on making it easier. Feeling comfort. No awkwardness. Just the feeling of being left out. Seems like one gets more of this, that or the other. Both minds wondering if he notices the other more than the other. Cant it be equal? Nope not here..not when someone is as selfish as him
Have to have it his way cant he even pretend to care?
He wants me go make quick easy cash
I do all the work
Play my part
No kissing and he must be able to know all what is going on
I must listen for if i dont there will be no excuse for what tthw consequences may hold up against me. Wreck havoc. Not today. Im such a disaster. He is
Willing to sell me away,
For whatever price you want to rent me just to get rid of me and have the benefits i make. Only for him to spend altho it is towards daily needs and wants for all parties involved. Maybe then he will allow my baby to come back home where sge belongs. How i miss her so much. My heart aches. My tears swell up in my mind with these sadden thoughts crossing my mind, trying to cope what i'm set...
so I am waiting for my baby father, her daddy as well as mine. I am a bit strange. I'm weird. I'm not average I'm out there
quick to see me
get naked and be there waiting for me. I'm not sure where I am going with this. I am sneaking around trying to find the crown. drown me into you
I'm drawn to your charm.
I'm glad to be here
sitting here waiting with you
I hope to never lose.you.
you always will have me
wanting you. loving and missing you. dreading the day. you go away.... i hope that you will be with me, waking up each day with me right there.
random poetry i suppose we can call this. goodnight
so today was a good day desppite that i feel sad thinking about the past...Reading my writing in a notebook from so long ago, when it was probably almost a year ago makes me sad. i came across some writing that I recovered.... It was written about when an old lover had mean words for my ears and how unhappy I was about myself... my self esteem isn't so much better i'd say. I mean I do still talk down to myself. I just am not doing it all the time only when I get mad at myself because I fucked up with something or with Derrick. speaking of Derrick, He's mad at me right now. I don't know why, over him thinking that I was stalking him from his phone... Which even though I could have been I was n...
The world could be ours
Thw sacarfice we take to live in paradise
This is it. Be there for you. Be there for me. Lets get out of here and enjoy the view from a far away distance, the human view cant even catch a look at it. Some where, paradise, far away from every one and everything. No destination. Only goal is too keep going. No stop. No permenant residence. A life, living mobile, keep on moving. Around and around we will go. A route nobody knows even not us. We travel into the unknown. Oh! The places we will get to see. The people we will come across.of the events that awaits to be...
An experience of a lifetime. I wonder what i will be doing after this life. Will i settle again? Will I ...
I think ill write on her about my slutty side. Expose my nakedness.
But not within myself. Ill share on her whats under my clothes. What things i prefer to and expect to happen in the bedroom when sleeping with me.
I am no angel. Im not of innocence. Im a freak they say. The things i want and desire are intense so i have heard & here I thought that it was normal. I like to take the risk and be tortured. Oh please darling... tie me up? You better do it, even as I squeal and wiggle away i want you to man handle me and force me. Pin me down. Force me. I like it better that way. Talk dirty to me, tell how lucky i am Daddy. I like those words whispered into my ear. Bite my neck and do i...