Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. scorpio. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
So havent wrote here for a bit. I am doing good. Things are going well, no issues at the moment. Well, except one..my man isnt with me to spend time or do anything with me or our daughter. At least i get visits. I cant wait for him to be out and we can live our fantasy lifestyle that we've been talking about for years. More open with each other more than ever and honesty is at play. Keeping it real, and handling the lawyers. I cant wait for us to put this rough road behind us when it comes that time. I'm getting along with my sister which i never thought id see the day, but here i am, living it. I'm just unpacking and setting my things up. I am working a lil part time gig at a diner. It's al...
I'm all alone
Nothing to work for
What am I doing?
Just sitting idly by waiting for him
To return to me.
I'm disgusted with trust.
I'm not sure when I'll be gone.
Just want to go far away
But far is far enough
It's all my fault and no one to hear me, nobody near me
All night I thought to myself
Why would I stay with you?
You have issues. So why would I miss you?
Did you forget that you were wrong?
It's just an echo.
A monster. The power makes you a monster. Letting you get to your head.
I'm considering taking all my writing on here and putting it in a book. I dont know who would buy it but its be nice if i could save all my writing in a hand cover book. I haven't wrote like I used to and maybe its cause the lack of drugs. Or I just dont have the motivation as I had. Maybe its cause when things are going good, theres not much to say. We are always writing when we are hurt, when theres ache in our hearts. What about the bliss? What about the happy moments we capture? Why does the pain stick in our minds, in our hearts ... at least for me it does.
The whole art of pain is acceptance
Accepting that we cant change things. Accepting that it is what it is. Accepting pain is a big...
Waiting to get a move on with my life, with my self.
Someone to talk to
Got this paper and ink to spill my thoughts onto
Will someone choose to hear me?
Will I be alone like this forever?
Why do I feel alone when I'm surrounded by so many people.
I am preventing openness
Closing off to strangers
I'm sober and different
Everyone expecting a relapse
Yet here I am not stunting it
Not making it a worry
Tired of thinking of all the wrongs I could make happen
Just want to focus on the future and what I'm doing now.
Tired of the what IFS.
Not proper accusations
Nothing happening like that here
So why keep concerning yourself with the worry.
I'm not committing the crime s...
I love misery
My father told me this
And it’s company I seek out
Man I’m the creator of my own pain demanding to feel it again and again time after time.
Without it I don’t feel right
Does this mean I’m sick ? Mentally ill? Seeking these things that hurt, that can destroy a soul is what I seem to be comfortable with. Man I’m insane put me in a straight jacket and call it a day.
Seeking professional help has not been any better yet they keep telling me I need Meds. The voices I hear lead me to a road that isn’t bad. All leading me to positive thoughts and feelings yet I just keep denying pushing away the fact I’m not normal. Fuck. Not again please. Stop talking to me.
I don’t want to hear ...
I miss the value of what meaning things used to hold.
Now a days it’s just empty with nothing to define but meaningingless actions.
What happened to what the meaning of family was once upon a time ago. This family has gone to shit. Breaking apart. No longer do we keep in touch or stop by like olden days that held so much life in the meaning of family. No longer do we have dinner get togethers. No longer is it family gatherings.
Where’s my friends? No longer do they have my back or are there for me when I am alone with these wonderless thoughts. No more do we hang out or take photos
Everyone expects me to listen to them
Every one thinks that I'm the sick one. I'm the loss. I'm the risk. The threat.
I'm just a human being, young and learning from my mistakes
Everyone projects that I listen to them. To follow them. To obey.
Not him. Not her. Then who?
How many likes is my life worth?
Remember I'm the sick one.
Sick from addiction. Sick from the self destruct.
Now in repaired. Better shape then ever. Working newer than before. But at what cost?
I am doing good when so many expect me to fall.
I'm moving forward. Not going backwards but actually forward
I'm on my way smiling into the unknown. Never thought I'd be able but look at me changed ways and God knows I've tri...
I miss him so much
Hes not listening
Taking what I said in a wrong way
Hurting me with threats that I dont deserve
Misunderstanding and mean words
Why must I always beg for you to love me
Why must I be on my knees to be in your heart
Saying sorry, when will I be worthy for you?
I'm running out of things to say
Do you really love me?
Your the only one on my mind
The only one I want this to work with yet you leave me here with empty words. Silence. I dont want to let you down what am I supposed to do? I'm just sober, I'm just taking care of our seed and your giving me a hard time. Playing hard ball. I am trying to make this work why must you be difficult
I am trying...
Silence is an answer
Tells a lot in itself
Have so much meaning
I hear it screaming
Yelling louder and louder
Why must you give me this response
Silence is screaming at me
I hear what your saying
I'm doing it
But yet he ties me down and wants nothing of me to be
I'm succeeding and hes jealous
He doesn't want to lose the control that over powers me.
Trying to be strong, standing firm
Is this really me?
Can I succeed in standing up for myself
Knowing what the outcome will be if I fail to stand tall.
I haven't fallen yet and I'm getting firm now. Growing stronger every day
Just doing me and making right decisions to be who I want to be
I wish you would have a little faith in me.
Always doubting me
Expecting me to fail. I'm the problem I'm the cause of all your downfalls. You think I'm not able to rise to mypotential. I may have been out of my mind. But now my mind has been clear, my road was dark I couldn't see. I got a spark to show me the way.Have a little faith in me baby. All this Time has been passing and my words speak action. Want you to have faith in me. I'm in a hurry to show you that I'm doing it, making it, standing strong. You won't believe that I could do this, but watch me succeed. I am going to stand firm and be strong.
I've given the wrong people my love
I got someone who loves me
I want right in the head
Running off doing drugs trying to hide in the pain
Even left my daughter when I could have done better
I wish i could take the love i gave to the wrong people..
Made all these plans never followed through. Dont know how to pretend
My heart got stranded. Wish I could have it back. I dont trust
I don't see how I could have done all I done when I was caught up in the game.
Now I'm looking back wishing things were different trying to make sense of my choices. Trying not to let my past cloud my future.
Moving forward going to give my heart to my daughter. Going to focus on positive.
Being behind cement brick walls was what it took me to change into the person I've always want to be. Now that I'm free from a drug that was drowning me. No longer do I need the urge, the craving, the crankiness of what was poisoning me. Being behind those steel doors, listening to the guards telling me what to do, the inmates being favored over whose been in and out. Same shit different day. It's terrible. County time. No sun. No light. Not even a window to see what I'm really missing. Forgetting the reality. Sleeping all day was not the life for me. Depression eating at me trying to not get in the funk. Now that I know I'm never going back. Never going to return to the place that don't shin...
Wow it has been a year or more since I have been on here. I have been away from the world, from my family and now I'm out and about adjusting to reality. Things are better than they ever were before. I now have support with caring people. People that I can call family. My daughter is reunited with me and it feels great to bond with her again. I'm off to bigger and brighter things with my life for me and my kid. I know that this opportunity is golden and I can make it work if i can just stick to my guns and stand my ground I'm so happy now with my life. I hope that I can continue to be positive and keep up this good attitude. I know I can do this. I have the confidence in myself to do this. I ...
I could make him feel like a king but I won’t because he’s full of imperfections.
In my eyes he could be the best man anyone could ask for,
But my view doesn’t see because he’s full of insecurities that are taken out on me. Making me go blind to see what greatness he could be.
I just see hate and anger.
Pity was here, Laughing at my swollen up face.
Bruises to mark me. What happened to the kisses ? Not even bite marks to claim me. Just black and blue is how he made me.
Never allowing my body a chance to recover, just keep on doing this and I’ll become used to it. No longer will it hurt like it has the first time it was done. I don’t know what to do with myself mentally. No words are makin...
He is starting to have this be a habit always hitting me now for anything that I do
Attitudes are justified by hits to the face
Throwing things now I’ll get the point.
Whispers in my ear, feeling bad and how sorry he is
But it’s a bunch of lies
Cause he does it again the next day with more force and for what pity reasons.
Being friends with enemy’s and
Playing games, stirring secrets and all for what? Entertaining yourself. The bruises no longer come from pleasure in the bedroom. How I miss the feelings of those.
These marks I have been wearing are becoming blacker and bluer as each day new ones come to surface.
Fuck, my face is black and blue with bumps from you to show everyone what...
As I await to leave my in laws home to go handle business with moving our home to a new spot. I’m wondering where the future is going with being that he might have got himself in some troubles. It saddens me and worries me every time he goes out if he will get caught up in something that really wasn’t worth it. What a shame. I shouldn’t have to worry like this. It’s nerve wrecking. He says it’s to support us and to help us survive when there are other ways to go about working. Hustling doesn’t have to consist of illegal activity and for laws to be broken. It’s my choosing to be with him and. I know that with this “hustling” lifestyle there’s a price to be paid as it gets further in debt wit...
I can't doordash because he won't let me it's bullshit....
Can't even make my own money to pay for my phone I broke the screen on. Ugh he says he has money yet he won't pay for it so what am I supposed to do.
I am not sure he is always keeping me from doing anything I want to do it feels like. I even offered to put money in the gas tank so he doesn't have to. I don't know why he won't allow me. I am legal I have my license. The car is legit. We are supposed to go to the campground we reserved for a week near his nephews. He has to fix his dads car still and he also has to sell some stuff that we have. We want to double tow with our Rv but aren't sure if it will be allowed or if we wil...
So I just try not to think about what I lost. I ignore the thought to help keep me from my emotions. Stop my head from going in deep into insanity. I am hanging in there. I am trying to hold anyone responsibility. There's a purpose to everything that happens right ? Even though I don't know what I could possibly benefit from losing all that I had left of my so called home That's washed away. Throw Away is more what it feels like. My sister still won't talk to me. It sucks, seems like ever since my father passed away the family gets more torn apart and as more loved ones time come to an end the more we grow apart. It doesn't make sense of how long ago we were all so close and a family. What ha...
Ugh I am so upset and distraught over what I lost with my sentimental things I had from my family. The last piece of my life that felt like home is now forever no more. No longer here with me and it hurts. Ugh he made a promise and swore that it would be safe I can't believe all my things are gone. He knew it would be though he just thought by chance they would keep my stuff but how wrong.... I'm hurt. I don't want to marry him anymore. I sure don't want to now that I know I should have never trusted him at all. I am not sure what to do I know I need to just let it go but still the pain remains all the same and the ache still lingers there never fading away. I just need to learn to get comfor...
All actions have a purpose our actions Aren't Random we are always trying to achieve something although we may not be aware of what that is. A person is not their behavior. When a person has a. Better choice of behavior that also achieves their positive intention they will take it. From a nlp book I'm currently had started reading tonight
Loved ones will break your heart with or without you. Turns out adults don't know everything. Lines on my face my teeth aren't white. My eyes don't work and legs don't move right. I made a discovery life isn't forever and lunch isn't free.
I heard that tonight from a song i was listening to on Spotify. Thought I'd share this....
I want to go out tonight but i doubt I'll be able to since he'll disagree to letting me use the car to door dash (job i do that i deliver food to customers) it's convenient since i get to set up my own schedule and can do it whenever. It's extra money in my bank account. I think I'll just go for a walk, wander into the field of unknown and just sit and stare at the ...
I like to stay up late at night
Hearing the silence scream so loud
A city to my self
The strangers and sidewalks
Nothing distracts me
It always brings me back to thoughts and memories of you.
You cloud my brain
Pouring emotions so deep
It really ought to be raining and
Grey out with the way I am feeling
I don't want you to leave
I want to see you happy
Things will never be the same
Will it ever return to the used to be's? "Like before this disaster
Before the end of us.
I can only wonder and imagine
Make pretend of how it was
And I love to sleep, in the comfort of your arms embracing me
Warmth and home is what words I can describe when I lay my aching head upon your c...
Emotions stirring I don't know whether to hate him or maybe it's better to just not love him nor hate him just to be emotionless better yet I'm numb
I just want to be held to be nonexistent more like.
I need comfort I need to be held to be told I'm sorry it's ok. But none of that comes from him it's just ice coldness I receive and it hurts more than ever before. I am not going to let this ruin me, even though it ruins us. Whatever love I had has vanished just like that. Just evaporated from thin air that we breathe. I'm not sure how to handle this nor will I tell him what I need from him to make this better. I shouldn't have to tell him he should know by instinct what to do to make...
I just read something that I believe is true
A heart doesn't get cold unless it's been treated cold for awhile.
I feel like I've become bitter and just more bitterness is going to be coming, waiting there for me in my future. I feel like I am hating people and I hate to get attached to people. To believe that someone cares about me scares me and I don't wAnt to deal with the hardships that's bound to happen some time. It sucks when family,loved ones, people who you thought would never do you wrong can treat you like your nobody and un love you. To turn their back on you so easily and swiftly. I hate that people can be so misleading. You never know what their true intention was un...
He can get her pregnant and she has what freedom to do whatever she wants with her son yet when it comes to me I have to ask permission and follow rules. What the fuck. Then she can do and go as she pleases with her kid while i have to make sure it's OK with him. It's unfair. He got me pregnant for control over me and he got it. But what the hell did he get her pregnant for? She disrespected my babysitter and ripped her off for some money, won't even apologize for it and curses him out. Had it been me to have done that it wouldn't have been OK I'd get my ass put in place for it. But why does he let her get away with it? Whatever. Unfair and not cool in my view. Not from where I'm standing i h...
Things have been good, everybody is getting along other than the dogs they got into another fight today and max is injured again I feel bad for him and hope he gets better. Zoey is almost ready to walk she's practicing and standing up on her own now. Ilka is doing good she had an ear infection but it's better now. I can't wait to leave to go to Indiana and visit with my family. I miss them all so much. I'm anxious for the day we adventure out east. I have been just cleaning and it seems that it's all I do every day. I am getting sleep every night. I want to get my nails done I was trying to today but it didn't happen. I am feeling like I need to do something with my life like get a job or cr...
Well we are starting our adventure in our 40foot bus towing along 24ft trailer. We are picking up the Mini Cooper and then picking up the baby stuff from my husbands sister house. Things have been going good as you can see I don't write as much when I'm in a blissful state. I am sorry for the lack of writing I do when things are going smooth. I am just taking it day by day. I have my daughter with me and it's a blast. She's growing everyday so big
Well I am ready to visit family and it sucks my grandpa wasn't able to see me because he was busy with vacation to Kansas and South Dakota. I hope to see him even if I have to take a plane and rent a hotel it'd be great to see him one last...
I love being in a content good feeling mood. It brings bliss and lifts up my soul I feel. I am happy and things are okay. I wish we were at California though I am trying to get myself fixed a bit and work on some things like with my attitude and getting out of hand with derrick.
I don't know why I get off with getting physical especially in the bedroom
Like when he chokes me and I pass out I can tell if it's shorter than long or vice Versa. I at times get scared but I enjoy the rush, it's like a sickness I have for a Stockholm syndrome relationship deal. I am weird. Nothings too rough well I take that back. I do have limits I am willing to take it just a bit further, danger ahead, warning I ...
I look and hear about you
How you've come so far with being a better person than you were yesterday.
I am proud and I am disappointed that I lost such a friend. You were true to me and although you still don't believe me I have no secrets anymore to keep from you. You know what's what. you always assume too much and stuff that just isn't true but still I can't get you to see the honesty I'm really telling you. You hate what I've done and who I have become. I am sorry I don't live up to your expections. You want to hate me it seems like it is easier for you to ignore your feelings for me. I wish it wasn't this way. It's a shame when two people that love each other can't be together because w...