Autum Leona Markham
|poetry. endless words. scorpio. Emotions wore upon my sleeves so deep so real. Lost in this chaos I call home.|
Things are going
I need a better job
I need to drink more water
Eat more food.
When will my food stamps renew
I am doing all i can to maintain
My head above water.
Keegan helps me to feel.
I cry, sobbing into his arms
And he makes me feel at home
He wraps me up in safety
How my heart needs this
My pain can subside
It can be released
Awww that's sweet, I'm not sure that I'm all that inspirational or anything I'm just goofy random me & really talk to anyone who will listen to me, I'm happy u enjoyed my letters for sure & hope to keep in touch (glad I didn't come across as some weirdo haha) sometimes people don't enjoy random people reaching out to them in any way not even if it's to help i.e. once I told a girl on the bus she had a red spot on the back of her white shorts & she got mad at smh I try to not let those incidents keep me from helping others but idk sometimes I just feel akward & out of place like I'm a bother for engaging them...so thanks for ur acceptance & so u know I only allowed what it meant ...
I talk about anxiety too much
I speak of depression too often
Its not hard to change if you want to.
The good days turn into bad days.
The bad days make it hard to find faith.
I am a fuck up. Im trying to put together the pieces, but I can't hide the cracks.
My heart is full of sorrow.
I am responsible for the pain i harbor.
I am a fuck up. I hate that im this way.
Im a low life. I use this mask to disguise my pain. Im a reject, but im honest and i need your help.
I blame others cause i wont blame myself.
How is this happening?
Fuck you if you don't like me.
Fuck yeah. Id rather live my life than your life. Im a lowlife but its fine. Im a douche bag but im going to learn to love myself. I...
I have been going in circles it feels like these past 3-4 weeks
of trying to have my daughter back into my care.
I have spoken with attorneys and police offers.
now the next move is to file for custody with the court
and get her back that way. I hope that they will favor me
for I can be around and part of my child's life. after all,
she did come out of me.
My new man has been a big support in my life.
lifting me up. encouraging me. i'm working on myself, I am changing
my thinking pattern and working on my thoughts... I am working on
alot. I have a job orentation this weekend. yay! I will find out when I get
to go to work soon. I am going to be working seasonal flex position...
It's how you see me
I thought I had strength
No strong arms here
A weak mind
A weak love
You're weak i hear him say
My fallen tears aren't weak
As they slide my pain down my cheek
And drop onto your skin
My strong embraced hugs,
Squeezing tightly...not wanting you
To go. Don't run.
Standing here, my tattered heart in my dirty hands held out to you to take...
I am weak. But i am also strong.
I am weak for you. Strong in staying.
Love my weakness and embrace my strength.
Geez. Its always going back and forth to the akwardness. To the doubts. To the over thinking and over analysing. Its killing the mood. Killing it all. i am trying to give this all i got... I know my heart feels guarded, yet I feel comfortable to let him hold it. But he doesn't want my heart. He wants the sex, i guess with love you got to have the sexual experience or else you got what i got. An akward experience. Oh my god. It's so mind blowing. I don't understand it. I never been through any thing like before, I never been in these shoes. I love everything about this man. His demanor, character, his flaws, his morals, listening to stories of past moments he shares with me....he is someone i ...
Well, here is some writing I've written with my typewriter. i hope you enjoy my words as much as I love writing them.
Hey I feel the need to vent out some emotions and thoughts. I don't know how much more of the hurtful opinions, the mean words he calls me, hour by hour he will say something that just makes me feel less of ap erson than I already am. I think he has more respect and nicer words for a hooker than he does for me. I am always hearing words that hurt, that stick inside my head and shall never forget. He's aware that I've been tryingto fix my fucked up self esteem & yet he continues to destroy any value I have for myself.
Dear miguel franco,
Words come to play in my mind on things left unsaid, words that were now lost... i imagine you on a constant basis with my heart aching on how close I felt with you. You helped me to have more trust and faith in God. You could read me so easily that i never had to really explain myself. You treated me so good and were so understanding. Sometimes when things are going bad in my life with whatever situation thats failing, or my feelings being. Damaged or the stress that builds my worries inside myself you seem to be intuitive and can sense something is up. I believe we have a connection thats rare. I will never love or feel for another the way i do you. I am trying to tell m...
Ugh I hate that I can't have my kid right now. Bambi said she wants to wait till zoey gets better and she's not running s fever. She would have never gotten sick if she didn't go over to Bambi
Wow well we are going to go back to LA because the car needs work done on it. Things have gotten better with my man and I. Ugh take that back just now marriage got brought up with Derrick and I. Now he wants to introduce me as his ex wife and shit. I am telling him I wouldn't marry him again and I wouldn't I suppose.
I don't even know if you go on this site. I wish you a sober life. I miss the old times that we shared and it's a shame that we are where we are today maybe it's more of a blessing in a disguise
I have told you im leaving a hundred times.
And here I am welcoming you back in the door
To this dysfunction. I don't even know,my,own name when i am looking in the mirror. Aint it funny how the darkness makes us see things so clearly? We see it oh so differently.
You won't notice I'm gone until I'm already gone.
No way, no how would i take you back. You will not blackmail me with your high judgment. You won't havd control this time. You're a contradiction of yourself. You won't even notice that im gone until you wake up and are all alone. You're the ultimate deceiver. You'll crawl back and tell me how you changed, but i don't want you too. You can point fingers cause you're ultimate deceive...
I am stuck.
In my past.
Reminisce of memories, of people who used to be, the once was, the before,
I can run but can't hide from what my future holds. Whats happened is done
No more. It is what it is. No going back.
Just regrets, lost chances, the could of and what ifs, the life before pain, life before changes, the once upon a time is already written. So whats the happy ending ? How do I stop living in the past? Remain silent and ignore the memories. So many things can trigger my brain to think about what was.
I know what happens to one. Who lives in their past. They get lost in depression, they drown themselves with substance and abuse till it collapses the lungs and you suff...
I was hearing this voice i get in my head telling me bad things about myself and its not my own... I started arguing with myself in my voice telling it to stop and telling myself opposite of what it was saying.... Started thinking suicidal thoughts of ways to get hit by oncoming freeway traffic and all of a sudden I heard my mom's voice tell the other voice to stop, don't be telling me things like that. Instantly no more "bad" voice. My mom in her voice, says I got a purpose here. My daughter's name echos in my mind. I guess my mind zones out blank and when a song finishes playing i realize I don't hear any voices. Its quiet in my mind right now
My biggest regrets are related to what I wish I would have done differently, they are driven by emotions of self doubt, grief and blame of my self for what I did not do.
I didn't see my father when he was dying away in the hospital like I had promised him and now, i will never get to. I know that he would have been understanding and forgave me about this if he were to still be alive but this is my emotions i feel on the inside and i could have kept to my,word and seen him one last time. Now I got this ache in my heart running heavy through my darkness within my beating heart. If only i could start to forgive myself, but I am not ready to. I'd rather sit withmy misery for it thrives off my co...
When i shut my eyes and envision My happy place. I go to a make believe world, created by my wants and whats in my heart. If I tune into it intensely i can smell the smells of home. Smells of my father. My dog. My daughters. If i listen closely, i can hear my fathers words in my ear and the gruffness of his voice telling me he loves me. I could hear my little brother's laughter, giggling over the tickles my mother is recieving. I can hear my mom's smile, how happy she is to have me there, watching and enjoying the love she gives my little brother. I could feel someone following me, i look down and it's my dog, jasmine she's panting and looks up at me awaiting my next move. I look...
Feelings of doubt
This stamp here is comforting
Holding in anger, need to release my fury, my rage.
Dont know how to fill out this paperwork for custody
Don't have a job, no income coming
To show I'm able to
Missing my daughter, wishing I could see my mini me
Wondering how she is doing
Trying to remain stable
I'm losing my mind
What ifs cloud my mind, the worse may happen and my nightmare
Will turn into reality, not having her
Is such heartache I don't think I want to handle it or even know how
I keep telling myself that i have been through so much already that i can handle this ache, this pain that is stabbing me deep into the heart
What will happen, nobody knows.
I've been a fuck up my whole life.
I'm righting my wrongs.
But only to a certain point.
up all nights and dark nights,
I grew up around sinners.
No need to pretend. I am not right in the mind.
I know this. It's easier to deal with my thoughts
when there not going a hundred miles per hour.
I can sort it out better... I am fighting for my daughter
and my biggest fear is that I won't win her back,
that I will fall again into their shit and be controlled
all over again. I don't want that to happen, so I would never
go back to them. I can't allow myself to do that
and when I think about it, there's a mental voice within
me that screams NO. I am going to be better than that.
Anxious at first. Excitement
Something new. You're interesting
A new beginning. We took a chance on one another to see where we would be.
Expectations were made.
Impressions last forever.
Feelings shifting, spiriling into the depths of our insides. Who knew that we'd be daring to dive into the deep end. Hoping not to drown. Worried about the risk of fragile hearts breaking. Feelings are mutual.
Does sex and love really go hand in hans? We claim that love is in our hearts, this I believe to be real
No games. No bad intentions. Wanting happiness for each other. Yet we lay naked, showing all our vulnerable parts. No judgments are clouding our opinions. We over think, worried to lose one another...
I need to stop thinking about my ex
He doesn't need to be inside my head
No good memories to replay I need to
Press forward, not go reverse
I haven't contacted any of the family which is good. I don't need
To be fooled. To be played once again
I am refusing to be brain washed
Their intentions with me aren't pure, there not good... I need to stop giving them so much credit. It's hard... But the days get easier. My heart that was once hurt is still aching
That pain of him & I will always be there, when ever a memory replays
I'll feel it there inside my chest and along will come the disgust and hate.
Love seems to turn into hate from what I've seen. Expections of someone become disappointmen...
I am content
I feel foolish and shame, i have been played by Derrick and his family
Everyone who i actually thought had my back there has stabbed me to,no return. How can people be so cruel? What makes them so nasty and mean?
This world wasnt meant to be like this.
Was it? Was that the plan for a bigger something? Humans seek to destroy one another instead of being kind and helping. Break me down, i could no longer stand it any longer. I was pushed again and again to be weak and. Have no say.
Well I had enough, enough of them all. I got smart, i got eyes and i began to see and listen what it was. Their intentions were never as they claim to be, instead they just wanted me to be whatever Der...
Where do I begin to even tell you the current events happening in my day to day life? well, let me retrack and update you on what took place at the start of August (1st) 2019.
Derrick and his family were getting crazy. Controlling me. I was researching with Ashley to get my own place for me and Zoe, but when that was brought up, Susie and him were against it. Finding flaws, excuses to say no to make me independent. I thought that was the plan on going to Michigan but it was all a game. A trick. Derrick had video visiting from the jail and I lost my privelege for it because I had went to the bathroom on camera although nothing was showing, the jail reviewed the visits and it...
what would you think of me taking all my writings that i have shared on here
and adding it to a book about my life ? If you go kindly take some times and review and scan through my writings that i write on here....and i turn this into a book, my life...a book... would you pick it up a book store and read it?
would you recommend it to others? or is it too raw to have on a hardcover? i just want some thoughts. please share ?
well, i am stressing about small shit
that's big shit.
depends how you look at it.
i got this boy that i'm liking and
my drama could cause him to go away.
i don't want that. but i don't want to
hide my shit... would it be okay to
just stop telling him, i am jumping in to
feelings with him way fast
need to slow down.
pump the brakes.
got other shit going on beside romance.
wanting my own place. feeling stuck
when can this end now
always with the temporary
never with the permanent
what to do next,
i'm on a hurry up and wait schedule
need to get my mind right
being off claudia really does
make a difference with the mind
but its not her fault i'm mentally
I am back there. i'm here now. i already got a job.
i am working on getting my daughter to getting checked out by the doctor to find out what's going on with her not talking. i hope that the doc will tell us it's okay... i don't want to have something slowing down my daughter. i feel like it's my fault. those that know, you can read my past lettrs. well, to those that don't know.
anyway, i know it's important to find out but i dread knowing. i care deeply and so i need to follow through. i am trying to figure out what to do next. i know i need pyscharacrtist to talk about my issues and what's going on with myself. i am not going to go to a drug counselor. i know why i get high. i know wha...
Wow right when it seems to go good
With you.i find out that you're telling
Your sister stuff that you don't need
To be saying to the people I.m going to hd at. This is why i don't want to fuck with you because your whole fucking family,has to know what you have to say and what you think. I expected it. How can i keep feeling disappointed in you for you're just being yourself. Its who you are. You are unable to shut the fuck up and every one knows it
I cant wait to go to michigan because when I get there im done with you.... I am not going to be answering your calls. Its going to be less and,less as i occupy my time with my daughter and attend school and go to work I don't want to be with a...
There's so many things I want to tell you
I want you to understand but you don't.
we go back and forth, constantly this
tug of war and for what?
for us to be miserable. for you to have control
get on your power ego.
what you don't realize is what you are doing
isn't just punishing or affecting me but it's
also about our daughter. she loves me
even on days when i am in a bad mood
or when she is upset, she still finds comfort
in me and i'm her mother. she's always going
to want me, to know me, and to be around me.
i am good to her and she's more than great to me,
i'm so tired and fed up with hearing how you have all
this power over a person. stop it! you're not God.
Things will be better soon, hopefully
through anything I'll stay with you.
Sometimes I pretend you love me.
Broken hearts do the most writing.
You were always my sweetest nightmare
I grew up way too fast
Hear from me, not about me.
You don't need water to drown
You destroyed me and I apologized
I'm not good enough for you
I just wanted to be enough
I'd rather be heartless than heart broken
i'm a mess of unfinished thoughts
you'll always be a question mark
I keep coming back to you
He saved me. I broke him.
True love exists in broken hearts.
I'm a heart-broken author for you
Taught me love a long with pain,
Pain can't be described in words
You left, I became an auth...
Hey so things have been hard to adjust around here recently
My man moves in another female & she's supposed to be our nanny \ mAid.
I'm not sure if I like it, a matter of fact I don't like it. It irritates me. I am hard to deal with lately. I have an attitude because of it & I can't stand the change that's taking place. We already don't have enough room in this camper & now we really don't have any room here. I am upset about it Derrick doesn't care which isn't surprising. Ugh I am trying to keep an open mind about this which is hard. It's hard to deal with another female on. It's hard to deal with the reorganizing and someone taking over my home. Derrick doesn't see how it can effect me. ...
I wonder how I can persuade others to help me ? What can I offer them that will make them want to help ? Has any one succeeded in getting the outcome? What degree of precision will I measure the progress? What is good about the present situation. What will I have to give up in order to achieve my outcome. They say you can have anything you want if you are prepared to pay for it (not necessarily in money). What do you want to keep?