Under a Minute
I looked in my mirror tonight to brush my teeth,
And happened to glance up and down at myself.
And for a good forty-five seconds,
I loved my body.
And I consider myself lucky to have had those forty-five seconds.
Because that’s more than a lot of people get in their life time.
And even though tomorrow I’ll wake up,
And decide I need to eat less,
Or that I absolutely must wear makeup,
I’m thankful for those forty-five seconds,
Because tonight they have made all the difference to me.
God when will you learn?
It’s the little things.
It’s not bouquets of roses
Or extravagant dates
Or constant flattery.
It’s how my eyes get huge when I’m tired,
And how I play with my fingers when I’m nervous,
And how I reference small, unusual books and movies that half the planet doesn’t know exist.
You said you loved me,
So why do we suddenly feel like there’s a bridge between us,
Covered in spikes and stones?
It’s a dangerous path to tread my friend,
Throwing caution to the wind when you’re holding a kite.
Every single time
I get anywhere near normal
Someone throws a knot in my stomach
And takes a piece from my brain
And adds a chamber to my heart
And a trigger to my temple.
How can I possibly try to function?
I wish I could sleep as easily as you do
Without waking up,
Having tossed and turned,
Cocooned in sheets and sweat,
Breathless and frantic,
Clawing confusedly at the pillows,
Before regaining momentary sanity.
And that's if I sleep at all.
And some nights, a few nights,
The dreams are good.
But most nights, many nights,
They are bad.
I want to sleep curled against you,
My back against your chest, your arm slung over me,
Your mouth on the back of my neck.
I wasn't to feel safe and warm for one night.
Just one night,
That's all I ask.
I want to wake up and know you're still there,
Right behind me,
Holding me like no time has ever passed since we touched.
"Who would suppose"
No one would guess that she had barely a hundred calories for breakfast.
Or that her lunch was a single serving of pineapple.
Or that her dinner was exactly twenty three cashews.
No one would guess that she runs and benches and pushes and leaves her all on the gym floor, to the point of injury after injury.
No one would guess that she doesn't sleep anywhere near the vicinity of close to how much she says she does.
No one would guess that sometimes she nicks herself while shaving on purpose, just to see.
No one would guess that she goes home and bites her nails and picks at her skin until there's little left to pull.
No one would guess that she has to be skinn...
What good are walls,
Be they knocked down?
Lest they stand sturdy forever,
are they not wastes of materials,
which only offer surfaces to lean against in defeat,
or planes to sob beside in sorrow,
that offer no comfort,
but instead cold,
hard solidarity in the place where love and warm arms should instead reside?
What good is a fortress,
Be it disease-filled in a week's time?
Lest it remain pure for time's endurance,
is it not a waste of room,
which only create obstacles for future plans,
or obstructions for light,
which already struggles to weave itself in
among the throngs and hoards of people,
to attempt to find a path around?
What good are roses,
The best feeling she'd had in years.
And then in was over.
Two and a half short minutes and it was gone.
Only two and a half minutes of utter peace.
She felt elated.
Like she had entered another universe.
She'd lifted off the ground and somehow gone to another world where it was always like that.
Everything was soft and comforting.
No jarring blows
Or jabbing comments
Or joking pains.
And then she began to wonder.
How long before she felt that like again?
Could she make it until the next time this would happen?
How long before she felt pretty again?
How long before it was starlight
And dark tones
Instead of scraped out eye...
What did I do to you?
I'm not even sure that question warrants a response,
Mainly because I don't think you'll give one.
You want to talk about me behind my back,
But when we're face to face,
We never really agreed to come back to each other.
YOU are the one that said "strangers"
And left me
When I begged you to stay.
When I tell you someone was the bad guy in my life
You don't know half of what I've been through.
So DO NOT claim it's all "sugarcoated manipulation".
How did I detach myself when you won't speak to me?
How am I detached when you blocked me?
I'm oh so willing to talk things out
Without screens separating us.
Why can't you just tal...
The moment you stepped outside you could feel it.
Fall was coming.
Though the butterflies and bees still lingered on their flowers,
The grass still green and the sun still shining,
The birds still chirping and their leaves not browning or curling,
Something was amiss.
The air still smelt of summer, but just barely.
The July breeze has turned to a fall wind, that would soon cause dry leave to scuttle across the pavement, where their trees might have once grown, had it not been turned to asphalt.
The whole outdoors seemed crisper, and as the sunlight poked its way through the fence slats, anyone could feel it;
Fall was coming.
Summer's ashen breaths took in deep sighs as often as they cou...
His words were venomous, tearing and pricking and scratching at my skin, every wound intentional. Pressed against the wall, he whispered in my ear as I shrank away.
"Isn't it funny, how close we used to be? How we thought we were connected souls?
Nous vivions l'un pour l'autre, rien de plus.
Isn't it funny, how quickly people change?
How EASILY people can break?
Isn't it funny, the things I made you believe?
And how for the longest time, you believed them?
Isn't it funny how many true colors can be hidden beneath a black coat, too dense for anyone to see through?
Remember how we could barely go a few hours without talking, and now we act like the other doesn't exist?
"Last Night I Dreamt I Went To Manderley Again."
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderely again,
As the struggle of the sheets contained me,
Pulling me back to an inevitable ending.
The wrought-iron gates that stood guard o'er the property
Baring nothing save their pattern and a few ravens,
Opened heartily to welcome me.
I said my thanks, and stepped quietly through the shying path
That showed itself for me, pushing brambles backwards and extending White Dahlias to rest at my feet,
Allowing me to feel warm and safe at last.
Finally I can upon the heavy wooden doors, who, without my knocking, invited me to come inside.
My eyes trailed the vaulted ceilings, chandeliers, grand stair cases...
"Archie not Jughead"
How could you think I ever wanted to be apart?
That feeling didn't always reside there,
It had to grow.
It grew because you watered it.
I'm too young and too dumb.
I have to learn not to give my heart away so freely.
I tried to pull back to you.
You shut me down over and over.
Then you came back.
How was I supposed to detach from what I'd spent the past months teaching myself?
Even when I told you these things,
I was scared,
I was damaged,
I was impulsive,
You took no other paths.
I wanted to stay with you,
I wanted to be by your side,
And help you
And laugh with you
And be just a little less than love.
But you wouldn't have it.
All or nothing I suppos...
"The Cabin Floor"
Thank you for tonight-
And last night too-
But mostly tonight.
I needed some good memories,
And I wish you weren't leaving so soon so we could make more of them.
Sitting on the shaggy carpeted cabin floor,
You with your back against the end table and love-seat,
Me with mine against the stair railing,
Making up our own rules to Rummy and trying to keep our eyes open.
You're much different than I thought.
Just how badly do you think I need you?
Let me tell you,
It's less than you think.
Believe me when I say this:
Your presence, it's a bonus, not a necessity.
Because I did my share of crying
I won't anymore.
And now I've started to think you're no different than the others.
If you're one of them,
Which I highly suspect you are,
Granted, that's what you wanted anyway right?
So maybe if you're pushing away from someone,
And your midnight confession of love isn't immediately reciprocated,
There's a reason.
Because people live their own lives,
And you can't just show up and disappear anytime you want,
Expecting open arms.
You stepped outside, and I was reminded of why I fell in love with you in the first place; what seems like a lifetime ago.
Goofy grin plastered across your face, and a similar one beginning to spread across mine, you jumped in the car, and I felt at home.
For three brief hours, every trouble, every worry, every care, melted and fringed and frayed away until nothing was left but you.
So life has different paths and God gives different destinies, but maybe somehow, ours will cross.
And maybe, just maybe, we can make something beautiful from it.
You know that feeling you get sometimes,
Way deep down the back of your spine,
That seems to spread out all tingly,
And suddenly it's in your head,
And your heart,
And your veins,
And it's all throughout you,
Because for so long,
You barely even noticed.
You don't want to even think about thinking about anything.
So you sit there,
When you really should be sleeping because you have to get up early,
But sleep is for the weak,
And it started out as random thoughts,
But they gathered and collectively pulled together,
And made an army.
You're sitting there,
Questioning every decision you've ever made,
Every word you've ever said,
Ever thought you e...
Loud and ringing
But silent and haunting
All at once.
And obviously so.
Powerful and booming
Yet wonderful and calming
All at once.
And magnificently so.
Sparkling and carefree
However Hot and looming
All at once.
And gorgeously so.
Pull the trigger.
Watch them fall.
Dark looms overhead.
Warn of the oncoming terror that awaits them.
Burst through with seeming innocence,
But violently surprise them all the same.
But very, very different
In aspects and outcomes.
"To my Daemon or Genius in the corner"
Hardly talked to anyone I know outside my family
One person and that's all
Since I've gotten home.
I think maybe subconsciously
I'm pushing back
Pushing away the thoughts of August
When school will start
And I'll have another year turned into a blur of forgettable days
That I wish were memorable.
Another eight months of pressure and stress and grades and expectations and cold rooms and dark halls
While I struggle to find my place,
My footing again.
As I wish to stay back at those two weeks of summer
When every worry I had
Melted to nothing
And my biggest problems
Were the five flights of stairs leading to my dorm.
I don't want to think...
The words fell off of her lips like stars falling from the sky; you knew that they'd been there long ago, but you just now saw them in the act of dying out.
He was meant to be where they landed.
The glittering, burning shards and sounds came down heavy across his chest, leaving nothing but a crater; beautifully destroyed in a matter of moments, before becoming a hollow hole.
She was meant to be the rain.
The reviving, fulfilling drops lightly pattering across the ground to check on him, and for as long as she could, comfort and ease his pain; giving him life again, allowing him to grow, and making him whole.
He was meant to be the wind.
The carefree, eccent...
Another way to pass the pain.
As I wish I had a hotel room somewhere in another city
That I could dance in and stand on the balcony
And watch the people passing underneath me.
And baby I don't smoke
But sometimes I wish I did
Just so I'd have a habit to kick.
Another place I want to be.
As I wish I had a kind of life somewhere pretty
That I could use to get away from everything around me.
And baby I don't drink
But sometimes I start to think about drinking all night long
So I'd have something to blame problems on.
And I debate whether or not I could run away sometime after college, although I guess it wouldn't real...
I want so badly to be normal.
Why can't I control myself,
Or my thoughts?
Why are things breaking me?
So i try to breathe.
But outside it smells like fire and suddenly these walls that are my room and were my sanctuary seem like a prison.
If my lungs were as black as my soul, heart, and mind, I'd be dead right now, and maybe the flies buzzing around me would have a reason to be there and I'd be calm. Finally.
And I know it's less than a week until I'm in another sanctuary and maybe I can forget about everything that's painful and just live. But even that time is limited.
I need to see someone again.
I need to be someone again.
I just need to be able to live my life without this mess....
"In my head"
"What's the matter?"
"I feel like I'm dying"
There's bigger problems with the world than your hurting heart. Get up and get over it. Grounds shake, hearts break, move on. Suck it up and get over yourself. Because in the grand scheme of things, no one really gives a damn. And why should they? There are people starving, dying, being beaten and tortured, being persecuted and chased out of their homes. But you're crying because you're stressed?"
"I know I know I-"
"Of course you don't. Pick yourself up off the floor, and move on. No one really cares anymore."
The birds are chained to the sky
With invisible ropes and binds that no one could ever hope to free them of.
The flowers are held to the ground
By unimaginable forces that nothing could battle and beat.
The lovers are chained to each other
Because of love and need and want.
The birds fly and fly but they grow weary and drop.
The flowers pull and pull but they grow hungry and shrink.
The lovers hold and hold and have no ending.
The air grows violent and creates itself a black hole, and the birds are forced to stop their attempts and take shelter if you can call it that.
The ground dries up and pulls itself into a gaping rock, and the flowers are forced to change or die and even th...
Thoughts for Taste
Oh the thoughts that keep my mind whizzing and buzzing and running.
Oh the thoughts of you.
They come around seemingly from nowhere at all, but they stay in a special chamber all their own.
Some are curious, wondering;
Will you still want me when the time comes around? Do you want me now? Do you still read what I write? Do you miss me? Will you let me continue to love you when the fall is here?
Some are warm, fuzzy, bubbly;
The first day of school, when I'll be able to see you again, and maybe I'll run and jump in your arms. Maybe we'll kiss.
You telling me that we were king and queen, and we'd rule together. And I was perfectly alright with everything about it. Run...
"Friends in Low Spaces and High Places"
Oh he is a great friend
He's so funny and sweet
But he is not you.
And it's nowhere near his fault
It's nobody's fault at all really.
And we sit and talk of how we both long for love
And how we both think we've found it.
And we laugh and joke and act like we've never known pain.
But he is not the one whose arms I dream are wrapped around me.
Oh, and he is a great friend
He gives such good advice and acts somewhat like an older brother.
But he is not you.
And it's anything but his fault
It isn't anybody's fault in all honesty.
And we sit and talk about when the world got heavy we decided we'd run away some day.
And we laugh abo...
I have found a little friend
In the sliver of moon
That peeps through the space where my curtain meets the end of the rod, and the wall.
It's a straight
That runs across my pillows
Now that I've moved them to the opposite end of the bed.
I lie with my arm outstretched
Straight and frigid
Spilling off the bed
So that the line runs up my arm
And across my eyes
Like some wild
I move my fingers in and out of its path
Watching as my hands disappear
Until I retract them slowly through the beam once more.
It's a lovely little piece
And it makes me happy.
And it makes me think
Were the sun silver and the moon golden
How different things would be.
The sun takes ...
The Dreams of Maybe
I have been so good about keeping you out of my dreams.
You used to be all they surrounded, but then I had to make it stop.
And it did.
At night, everything was forgotten. It was the few minutes I could truly think of something else.
Suddenly you're in my dream again.
You're back where it feels like you belong. We talked and laughed and loved and it felt like home. And I don't understand how you keep showing up in my mind, but you're there and it is bad that I love it?
But maybe I'm not in pain anymore.
Maybe that's why you're back in my dreams.
Maybe I've come to terms with what I've done wrong, and what I should've done but didn't, and I'...
I should've listened.
But I'm stubborn.
And now exactly what I was afraid of has come true.
And I hate my empty excuse for a soul for being this way.
And I hate my crumpled, blackened shot at a heart for being this malfunction-prone.
And I hate my wicked mouth and serpents tongue for even speaking at all!
And I hate myself tonight for not being able to move on.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.
WHY AM I AFRAID OF LOVE?
I'm sitting on my bed trying to convince myself I'm ok.
I've been working at it all day,
Making myself listen to happy music, that I've danced to before.
Drawing pretty things, things that don't hurt to look at.
Getting on social media to fill my brain with pictures of beaches and ice cream and fruit.
Playing with my stuffed animals pretending I'm seven again.
But they all turn.
Suddenly I'm listening to sad songs.
From We didn't Start the Fire to And So it Goes. From House of Gold to Addict With a Pen. From Yellow Submarine to Hey Jude.
Suddenly I'm drawing roses on my leg with sharpie so hard the skin is turning red, while I wonder if anyone I've told remembers...