|I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.|
It seems as if I am slipping through
This void, deep into the depths of
This abyss which seems to know me.
A dark past, which I had left behind
Where I have had my
Regrets and loneliness buried.
Now resurfacing from the dead,
Haunting the best in me
And bringing out the worst in me.
It all feels like a reality woven
Into the seams of a dream.
That yearns to catch up with me,
Making the most of the lost time
Following my mind,
Predicting my actions,
Gradually tightening its grip
Around my neck...
Late that night I saw this man,
Covered in what I would like to call,
An unwelcoming shroud.
Huddled under the stairway,
Near the absent-minded neon sign,
He imbibed this world
With a pinch of his solution.
His beady eyes trying to interpret,
Each person that gushed out
In front of him, from the lifeline
Of this morbid city.
I stopped there and met his glance,
Vacant enough to give me a sense
Of strange belonging.
He looked at me, smiled and sniffed
From the piece of rag,
Crumpled up in his palms,
Let out a deep sigh and gurgling laughter.
And I am sure I heard him say.
Look all you want but I have
The solution that you search for.
I have always had associated
Love to a sense of pain.
I thought of it as a conceited
Emotion with an affinity to remain
In the dark recess of my heart.
Something to help me to wallow
In self-pity and feed on my fears.
Something to give me my meaning
To tear down life part by part,
Love for me was my mortal flaw!
When I think of it now,
I have always remembered
Love with a bitter taste
At the back of my muddled up mind.
It was all until now...
Now that you're here,
I have started seeing love
In a different light.
I see that touch of reassurance
Running deep to take roots in my life.
I feel the intensity of your kisses
Burn down those fears
Which I had kindled for so long.
With you ...
I have noticed it a lot...
The way you cover up that
Smile of yours...
You kill it before it
It takes its form!
It feels as if you're trying
To contain the very essence
Of life within your palms.
You hold it back,
The happiness that rises
And borrow its charm.
I call this your broken smile,
Broken to hide
Those slight blemishes
Left out there...
Life, my dear is not to be contained
It is to be lived and retained!
Let that imperfection in you stay,
Let it become your part!
Smile for the fact that
The smile you impart,
Is the quintessential form
Of happiness to some.
Can we meet up again?
Like we did... Years ago,
As those strangers standing
Across the street.
Who had nothing in common
But just the hope for happiness!
I would play my part again
I would be the set of eyes
Looking at you from a distance,
Too afraid to make the move.
Too unhappy to see the warmth
Flickering in your smile.
Perhaps this time I would add
A point of change.
I would leave a mark beside
My utter sense of dissatisfaction,
Perhaps a thin line of
Of recognition in my eyes...
For you to finally notice...
When your gaze sifts through
The many reason of avoidance.
You could choose to let
Your thoughts linger for a moment
In my direction... Just to give
Me a sense of closure!
For easily is not beauty found
In the depths of sorrow,
When you have profound
Measures of pain to account for.
You tend to see detachment
And disparity all around!
There have been instances
Where I have dragged my life and
The sense of purpose around
In never-ending circles to lead
To an overwhelming question,
" Do I dare to disturb the universe?"
It was at this point of my madness
That I found you... The beauty in you.
But beauty in you is not those
Vivid instances of perfection
That are for others to perceive.
I would say it is those
The bits and pieces of imperfection
Left out here and there
That lead you to a state
Of being you with all your flaws
The epitome o...
Oh with a heavy heart it flows,
Right from my mind, back and forth.
Thoughts of you and thoughts of me,
Gathered up from the reminiscence of we.
As the sleepless night attempts to pass by,
I take a thought and spread its wings,
Pin it to the wall, beside a dream.
Wrought over the solitude, I command
My silence to become every syllable
Of your name. I insist in my mind
To give the dream and the thought
A slight tint of you, a slight shade
Of your smile, I add it with definite strokes.
I chisel in those deep curves that rise
Near your smile, I envision those
Pieces of melancholy stuck
In the depths of your emerald eyes.
It is like this that I have felt, all this while.
Your are but what I ha...
Make it a habit to put that
Sweet smile between your lips,
For then I will make it a habit
To gradually build my life around it.
Somewhere near your eyes
Spare some space for me
As in the end I want to exist
In them for an eternity to come
As it is what I do the best...
Indulge in your beauty,
To forget the rest.
As I wander about to
Set in your breath,
And rise in your heart.
Simmer in your smile,
To remain a distinct part
Of your life, while
You're busy trying to live a life.
I wandered for so long...
A visitor of minds and bodies
Vicariously vexing for a tense moment
Of finality... I have been that strange
Sight of loneliness for passerby,
When I was supposed to have
A vivifying sense of purpose.
They were all just members of
An unstrapped memory.
Which I rejected promptly.
Here I am...at last, at the end
Of this long travel... Here I am with you.
For you are the taste of happiness, previously
Unattained... Somewhere once
Lost in the events of history,
Lost in memory of that day when I met you
I think I love you... starting from that point.
When I saw your happiness from across
That crowded street, perhaps it was
The manner in which your smile
Gently spread acro...
Over a many quaint sleepless nights,
I have watched the faint reflection of you
From a distance, as we both spent our time
In the unrelinquishing task of living a life
Through a course of relentless restrictions.
I have aged watching you, loose that charm
To the commitments of paradoxes,
Repay your smile to the hollow sense of calm
And refer your mind to the bosom of restful memories
My unrequited love, we have met,
In time, through and out many instances
Of which I recall now, Each time we let
Our minds linger over our presence,
Till we realize that there's a thin line
Of estranged love that binds you
To your roots, left in the trail of that caste mark
In between the parting of your hair....
I'm but just a shadow
Of a lonely man lost
Somewhere in his senses
Between the real and not.
I'm his struggle to set,
His darkness well-kept
I'm his sadness to become,
His secret as he walks into
The realm of light,
Destined to follow
Day in and day out.
I'm but just a shadow,
Hoping for a lost cause,
Lurking around the lights
Looking for a sense of completion.
How should I define my woe?
Should I, a seed of it
In your heart sow?
Or should I let it reside
There in the labyrinth
Of my heart?
Should I let it bloom
And spread its effervescence
Of despair and gloom?
Or better still,
Should I probe and poke
Its roots and yank them in a stroke?
What has happened to you?
Is it life? The coarse harshness
That leads in your voice?
Strange as it may sound,
Today your voice brings in
The melodies of sorrow,
With every syllable you utter,
I drown in the lanes of memory.
There was a time when I would
Have recognised you with your smile,
A small one for that matter,
That could just unfurl the burrowed
Wrinkles of your forehead.
Now it seems that time has
Aged you beyond recognition.
The hollow silence that you reside in
Has taken you for granted.
I have observed it in your sleep
The ghost of your happy past,
That comes to haunt you.
For you smile in your sleep
But something holds you back,
Something that breaks your smile,
Before it reache...
Falling in love with you was like falling
To sleep, to a beautiful dream.
A state where everyone and everything
Made a concrete sense.
Where a mere thing like drifting away,
Also had a passionate purpose to say.
Where even though the words lay waste,
Chaos could consider to console,
The numerous ramblings of a restless heart.
It was like a feeling of utter clarity clouding
The destitute distress buried deep down.
It was the feeling of life levitating through those
Listless laments levied over a many sleepless nights.
Mitigating the factors that muddled
Through the motions of this miserable life,
A new feeling nestled in a naïve me,
I was the quintessential sinner
And you the essential sin.
Let's be in love like this,
Without actually accepting it,
To know each other as is,
As our thoughts fail
And fill our hearts,
We let them wander around
The vicinity of love,
Without actually divulging
Into the deliberate details.
We never have considered the
Conscious efforts that we take
To keep out love.
In the words when we exchange,
The deep melancholy of love.
Unreclaimed, as sets its tone.
We just look around at
Everything and anything
But never near that spot
That comes even remotely
Close to being in love.
The silent pause.
The serene smile,
The selective sigh.
It all falls in its place,
It all performs its function.
All expect us!
As we are afraid!
To accept, so we deny
Hopefully one day
When we meet,
As two people happy.
Some place of choice,
We could rejoice
Knowing that when we loved
We did love truly.
Who knows, we might
Even share a good joke
And binge on some laughter.
Of all this I am not sure though.
Knowing me, as to how
I wallow in self-pity,
I will surely carry around grief,
Like a part of me.
But believe me, I'll not let
You see my sadness.
You see falling in love was not easy,
It is not always a beautiful thing.
It leaves you with those scars,
So permanent to live with
Yet if I had the heart to fall in love,
I can surely muster a smile.
And I will gather all
The bits of happiness
To my face, to face you
With a face filled ...
Perhaps for you I don't exist.
My passions, my emotions,
They are just misplaced notions.
For you, I know my expressions
Wouldn't actually matter,
As they would never reach you
To make, enough of an impact.
I know this though,
For you what exists,
Is the four walls that contain you.
I know you have made your pact
With them, while you gently
Live in that confinement.
The relationships that come
With it, have pinned you down
To the state of a kept woman
And oddly enough it is what
Makes you happy.
Can't you see, what I can see?
Happiness is not what
That surrounds you,
Happiness is you!
As when you smile,
A smile such sublime as that
I find myself to drop down and drown
In that smile of your...
Like a corpse,
Sometimes when that distant
Image of happiness,
Somewhere buried deep down,
Beneath the layers
Of that troubled mind, rises
To the surface, for you to find.
Suddenly over the sleeplessness,
Of the dead night, you realize;
It was this delight that
Kept you going, over and over
When the music of silence filled you,
And yanked you towards
An inch closer, to the thought,
That you could have ended it all,
If you would have just at all,
Tightened that sadness around you,
To give it a closure
Once and for all.
Every day, while unraveling our lives.
Usually, while traveling into our predestined lot,
We meet from across the street.
We meet, at the same place, at the same time.
Every day our eyes gently touch upon
Each other's presence, followed by
A pinch of recognition that dawns.
A slight sign to speak into our
Thoughts, intended to ignore.
For we know deep in our hearts
That we would never meet.
There's no purpose, no need
To let our hearts desire to feed.
We would never know how it feels
To cry or smile for each other's cause.
And yet, every day we take a pause
At the precise moment,
Right from across the two extremes
Of that crowded street,
Drenched in chaos, we steal a glance
And let our minds...
If I had one last kiss to give,
I would give it to you.
I now am certain of that.
I know I have not been
Certain of many things
In life, including you!
I have let my mind
To lead me to learn
Of doubts and fear,
Of active indecisiveness
And passive emotions.
But now, I know for sure,
If I had one dying wish
And if that were to be a kiss,
I will surely give it to you.
Your letters fill me with
A strange sense of sorrow,
Which starts small in my mind
And ends with me to remind
Of all that I left behind.
Part by part, it grows and I know
It is not over and yet to follow.
I search for a reason, a thought, to hold
To my doubts of you and me.
When I think of it now,
I feel I never offered you my love.
All I ever gave you was just
Broken pieces of me with sorrow,
Some bits of confusion
And lots of loneliness.
It's easy to fake this smile.
All you have to do is,
Look at happiness in its
Eyes and reflect on its soul.
What is then difficult is to
Stop faking this smile!
As every time you look
Into the abyss of your mind,
There's nothing but listless
Memories that you find,
Which fail you to remind
Yourself that happiness
Is not just that brittle mark
Painted over your lips.
It's in fact the feeling that
You fall back upon,
When you realize that
What you live
Is life no more!
I am glad you shared about whatever you could. I completely, perfectly and absolutely appreciate and respect your thoughts.
Regarding books, I also associate most of the lines on every page of the book with some or the other happenings of my life which are either yet to happen or might already have happened.
I like poetry the most. Specially of Javed Akhtar's.
About music. There are days when I want to cry but couldn't , so for that sad songs are there.
And on days when I just want to be happy. I have rocky and energy songs for that.
Music is one of those special people I can't live without. When I am not tired but I just want to sleep, I dance weirdly with full energy for...
I don't have the need to wait anymore,
For anyone or anything,
To lead me to my conclusion.
For I flow with my mind closed
As I slip into the memories that collect
Over and over across my eyes,
And in those still measures of the night,
The loneliest hour past the midnight,
When sleep as a silent spectre slides
In through the heavy pupils of my eyes,
In between the rumbling thoughts
That trade with my peace.
It is as if they sign a truce.
And I rise to fall into a sleepless dream.
Where I am but the colour of my darkness.
I float away from the hint of light,
Away on that sordid stream,
Endless as it is, it fills me inside out,
Tugging me into the state of eternal morbidity.
Here, I have wit...
Have I ever told you this?...
I think not, it might have slipped
My mind I guess.
Or perhaps I thought
It to be too trivial to be stressed.
I think it is because I took
You for granted...
But now...now that...
I guess it doesn't matter anymore...
Well... I must say that you look
The prettiest when you sleep.
There were times when
I used to lie there beside you,
Wide awake, enchanted by
The warmth of your breath,
Looking at your pretty eyes,
Closed in the assurance of
A bright tomorrow.
Your tender palm on my chest,
Falling after every rise of my sigh.
It felt like your hands could
Feel the depth of my sorrow,
Not just when they actually
Touched my tears but also
Across the realms of
What is it that you think, with your
Eyes fixated somewhere in between
Tense reality and subliminal thoughts?
Is it about life that you think?
Or is it about something else?
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes
Reach the peak of their beauty,
When they indulge with you in your thoughts?...
Do you ever chance upon the thoughts of me?
No, not intentionally but just casually.
I mean when the mass of thoughts
That you have accumulated over
A period of time, flows across your mind,
Does some astray thought, do remind
You of me? Perhaps even my face?
I think I'm asking for too much!
No, you misread my intentions.
It's not your fault, it's never been.
I mean instead of interpreting me
In a gen...
Do you pass like this everyday?
Through the shallow woods,
With your eyes downcast
Lost in the intensity of your thoughts,
Left to the integrity of their present.
Do you realize that when you pass like this,
Unperturbed by the worlds around you,
You create the epitome of perfection?
Which imperfect souls like me yearn for.
You seem like a portrait left out there in the open,
For people to decipher and attach meanings.
Have you ever realized the way I leave
My gaze to wander and waft around you?
Sometimes when I see a beam of sunshine flowing
Passionately towards you, escaping the crowding branches,
And finally finding that perfect spot on your face to rest.
No, I think you observe none, not...
Have you ever felt like the man on the beach?
The solitary man in the confinement of his mind!
Unsettling like the wind, while living among his kind.
Now what is worth looking, is his eyes.
The look that fills his eyes, as the silent time flies,
Riding upon the waves, ingrained in every grain of sand.
The look that comes to him, as he with all his passion tries,
To capture the last rays and the feeble feeling of setting Sun.
It's a wonderful thought, a strong feeling; I must say.
To be that man on that lonely beach, witnessing
The setting Sun, with his unsettling eyes.
Waiting and expecting in each passing second,
For the darkness to engulf him back to the void.
To behold the be...
Before I die, I would want you
To meet me again, once.
Just before I die.
No, not to let you know
How much I have lived
Loving you but to let you know,
How much I loved
Living with you.
For those each moment
Have etched a memory
So deep, so pensive,
Such that ones imagination
Meet me again,
So that I can point out
All those hidden messages
And intonation left out there,
In all that I ever created,
For you to see and understand.
Meet me again,
So that I can tell you about
My attempts to fight away
My thoughts of you, and
My thoughts of loneliness
I want you to interpret me again,
This time with sadness and pain.
Do you find a difference?
Let me help you with it.
You see that gaze of mine,
Is not of a person who has
It's of a person who has learnt
To draw his inspiration from
His losses, it is not content that
Reflects itself in these eyes,
It is the loneliness instead.
You can trace the history of
Massive proportion of self-conflict
Spread out on this forehead.
Now that smile...The smile,
Let it be lost in your interpretation...
For it has been indecisiveness
That has given rise to that smile.
Leave out that smile for me,
When you interpret me the next time.