This day, a year ago!
Exactly a year ago, after spending a little more than a week that felt like the longest 8 days of my life, I was finally returning home.
After slugging off for months, spending days in irksome confusion, and fighting intently with my family, I had decided to join a reputed college for my post graduation in probably the most politically volatile state of our country, Jammu & Kashmir but exactly a year ago, the government decided to scrap Article 370, bring havoc in the ecosystem of the state, impose curfew, and take away my chances of being an alumni of the prestigious institution, cutting off what was supposed to be 8 months of independence, experiences, mistakes, fea...
The blood gushing through my veins carries more pain than it can take, on a constant look out for a speedy way out.
Sometimes I resist the urge, but some time soon, I would give in, I must give in!
That's such a poor intensity word for a feeling, for an emotion so strong, so powerful.
Your heart breaks when you see a kid in the market crying profusely, for he can't find a familiar hand to hold and wouldn't take yours.
It breaks a little more when your neighbour hugs you warmly and hands you a candy very endearingly every time he sees you because he still thinks of you as a little girl he wished he could've fathered one like.
And it breaks the most when you feel helpless seeing an old woman under the banyan tree spending nights after nights because his son left her there.
But when someone whom you gave yourself to, whom you surrendered to, whom you ...
For I very well know the intensity, and the hollowness of words!
Pull thy heart!
Today, I feel like tearing my chest open, pulling my heart out by my bare hands, lay the bleeding heart on the floor steadily; and then stomp on it, hard.
So that it fuckin' stops feeling so much and then ultimately, stops beating!
I wonder if there are melancholic people like me who're living just because they don't want their close ones to suffer?
Well, I wonder.
PLAYING WITH THE DARK
It is lit outside.
All the lights in my room have been switched on.
But I wish I could say the same about my insides as well.
I haven't seen a single gleam of light in days. It is pitch dark there.
The black tears have dried. and have made a mark on my face. the mark that's only visible to me.
It is hideous. I've tried to remove it.
It only smudged more. and got uglier.
Seeing it, the mirror also broke.
But I laugh, hard. and distract myself. in front of others.
They have no clue about the farce.
But when the lights turn off. and I am with me. inside my blanket. I'm drowning. in the darkest endless void. something that looks like black water s...
When my mother caught me looking or rather staring at myself in the mirror for hours, she asked me to quit this narcissism.
Little did she know, I was actually trying to find the reason people end up leaving me for!
You would call me a coward, a quitter later. But that's fine. The life before this wasn't any better anyway.
At least this time, I won't be there to hear you say it!
योद्धा तो नहीं, पर अक्सर युद्ध तनहाइयों से लड़े हम ने भी है।
आशिक़ तो नहीं, पर जज़्बात जगे हम में भी है।
बेवफ़ाई तो नहीं, पर बेरुख़ी की शिकायत फिर भी है।
दो तरफ़ा तो नहीं, पर दिल टूटने का ग़म फिर भी है।
व्यादे तो नहीं, पर भरोसे कुचले तो हमारे भी है।
आदत तो नहीं, पर यादों में क़ैद तो हम भी है।
प्यार तो नहीं, पर दर्द फिर भी है।
कोई आने वाला तो नहीं, पर इंतज़ार फिर भी है।
योद्धा तो नहीं, पर तनहाइयों से लड़ाई फिर भी है।
May be, it was better when I couldn't draw a face in my mind, thinking of happy things.
If in the parallel universes, several alternate MEs exist, I hope that at least one of them is not busy silencing the voices in her head, but is quiet inside and at peace!
Love him till I die.
Really wanted to un-love him, so...
The promise remained!
I love, but!
Oh, I love. But from afar. Keeping my safe distance. Knowing that you, and everyone will leave. No magic, no miracle, no mercy. It's good only until it's bad. But I still love. That's a step ahead, right?
So, will you?
After long, I finally gave in. After holding back for long, I finally gave you my hand and let loose. You gripped on to it tight and boy, did you take me places? Places I said scare me, places I told you I'd never go to. And just when I had started to enjoy the picturesque of these places with you, you left me, out in the cold, denying me the warmth of your hands, with so much hatred that now I reconsider if I ever had any rights on it.
The problem is not the cold still, it is that I haven't been able to convince my mind to take that hand back, as it insists on finding you, on waiting for you.
Could you just come back and tell my mind that you're not coming back? Just thi...
Khud hi ko loota, khud hi ko sambhala,
Khud hi ko kosa, khud hi ko samjha daala.
Khud hi se thi ladai,
Khud hi ki izzat pe aayi,
Jab khud ko bacha hi tha daala,
Toh kis baat ki thi ruswai?
Khud se hi seekha, Khud ko hi sikhaya,
Khud se hi kheecha, Khud ko hi rulaya.
Khud ko hi bechain kiya,
Khud ko hi araam diya,
Jab khud ko sambhal hi liya,
Toh kisi aur ka kyun intezaar kiya?
He had a habit of making every woman feel special, even if none were to him.
I don't know that is something to be sad or happy about!
I am sorry, if.
on the street,
when you were adoring the gold,
bright, proud, moon,
i incessantly kept looking back,
to check whether anyone,
any stranger was following me.
At the crowded Chandni Chowk,
when you were devouring,
the paranthas with butter,
i felt a hand of a 6-year old kid,
brush against my bum,
who smiled back at me,
as though he had won something.
At the metro station,
when you were looking at the map,
to see which train to take next,
i was just saving myself to be,
sighted by the creepy looking
men who ogled at and x-ray-ed,
every woman that passed by,
with evil grins on their faces.
At the college,
when you were busy making
memories with others,
i was busy un...
Do you know,
How it feels when you can see,
Everything slipping away,
Everyone drifting away,
And you're still there,
Rolled up, curled up, numb
Writing something just like this?
I know exactly how!
Have you ever?
Have you ever stood staring at yourself in the mirror, naked, showering more in your tears than the water pouring down endlessly? I hope not.
Have you ever let the coldest water there is to hit your body on a cold winter night, just because you think you deserve to be punished? I hope not.
Have you ever batted your eyelids so hard, not letting yourself cry when you want to burst in tears, because you want to prove to yourself that you're strong? I hope not.
Have you ever not let anyone love you, even though you know it might hurt them, because you think you're not good enough for them? I hope not.
Have you ever curled up in bed, patting your own back and humming to yourse...
I don't know how to ask.
And why should I? Or should I?
I told you, I don't show rights on anyone, because maybe I don't deserve it.
You said, try me.
Well, when I did, you drifted.
Every time you said that you enjoyed being without your phone, I could only think of how I fought when my phone was being confiscated because, you live here.
Every time you said you were waiting, I could only remember how I used to rush, be it in office, be it at home, to get back to you, so that you didn't have to wait long.
And when I was waiting, it was usually long.
Every time you said you enjoyed my company, I could only recall how you had once said that may be I won't be able to cater...
It is so strange that you think you feel different from others but every once in a while, you come across a picture, quote, tale, something that exactly describes what you're feeling at the very exact moment.
We, as a generation, are we going through the same things, fighting the same battles, in our own rooms, in our own minds?
If it is so, is it good or bad?
In spite of what we go through inside closed dark rooms and open showers in bathrooms, I'm glad we still smile for the photos we pose for! :)
Every night my self respect slams the truth in my face and every morning I slap it down because I believe, I wrongly believe that you need me.
Every night I try to decipher your actions, our discussions and every morning I make sure I deny the judgement, the one that should have been considered.
Every night I decide to never contact you again and every morning I find myself texting you first because I believe, I wrongly believe that you would at least attend to my efforts, if not make any.
Every night my sanity suffers because I can't get myself to accept the truth and every morning I try to keep my sane by reminding myself that I don't know the truth.
And in between this night and morn...
I lay there,
Under the debris
Of my own mistakes.
I sit there,
In the pool of tears
Shed in your remembrance.
I stand there,
Infront of the mirror
Staring right at the reflection
Of my imperfections.
And I look there,
To see if by chance
You too are looking at me
Only to be disappointed!