I'm trying really hard to not let my anxiety swallow me whole. I was not mad at YOU. I am super insecure. I have been showing it a lot with you. You are such an amazing person, your heart is pure gold. I feel like in reality I don't stand a chance against "the raging beast banging at your closet door every night"
I feel as if I have been super distant lately but it's not my intention at all to push you away.
I do want things to work out no matter what happens. Yes I get anxiety just thinking about the beast. He terrifies me, he won't stop. At this point he is obsessed to gettimg back in the room with you since you locked him out. It worries me, not only of the possibility of losing you but ...
I'm at that point again where I have no idea what the fuck am I doing with my life. I'm going to be doing college prep and for what? I still have doubts. I got a job, what am I saving for though? No idea.
Am I gonna stay here and live on a farm? Or go out into the city and find a ridiculous high paying job after college? Am I stuck living on my own for the rest of my life because I can't stand anyone else or they just end up leaving? I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, or where I'll be in the next 5 years. I have no plans. This is ruining me
I haven't posted in awhile.
But today I'm feeling fantastic, it's a beautiful day, going to drive out to my aunties for my cousins 13th birthday!!
On another note. A couple days ago I had sort of orientation with McDonald's. I also figured out McDonalds has a fucking basement !! It's huge!! But I was with another guy and a girl. And we had to try uniforms on. At first I didn't think anything of it. Thought okay cool. When I got in the change room/bathroom. For once I didn't slip into the stall I just ripped my shirt off with my binder on still and pants etc. And the other guy came in. Then it hit me. I thought oh fuck is he going to realize I'm trans? Does my bulge look normal? Will my bin...
I knew after I got my first email from Fanshawe college was not going to a goal this year. I was'nt even thinking about college when I was in high school. I always thought that was not something I would be interested in. But now I want to go to Psychology. I don't meet the requirements. And my only option is going into skilled trades which I don't think is what I want to do. I'm conflicted. I'm beating myself up over this. Thinking McDonald's is my job for life because I find any other place to hire me. I've been unemployed since January 2016. I'm getting tired of depending on everyone else. That's why I got my G1 finally. I over came that fear and just went for it.
And even just with McDona...
I am hoping that I get the new position at the SuperStore. I need this more than anything right now.
I have orientation at McDonald's Wednesday. And don't start til next week? I found out about this other job by the end of the week.
I can't work at McDonald's. They will make me shave. Bitch do you realize how long it took me to grow the goatee I have now!?
It's one of the few things helping my dysphoria. I can't just get rid of it.. I'm fucking praying for a job at the SuperStore.
IF THERE IS A GOD PLEASE HELP ME, HOLY FUCK HOW I NEED THIS.