I won't make this long because for real I'm tired as fuck.
I'm sorry I deleted written memories that made you smile. I'll admit it made me happy at times and sad in some moments.
Let's be honest though I never stopped loving you. Yes, the flame dimmed but it still burns even after all this time. As much as I tried to move on and let go of that feeling it was impossible.
But none the less I am happy for you, and wouldn't ruin your chances at happiness.
And now all I want is cuddles and back rubs.
And some legit sleep.
I finally fucking get it !
But first. Because this needs to come out.
Not going to lie, I ALMOST walked out on work today like I did at Breyers. My anxiety was not so good to start, but thinking I was going to see Kassie tonight was keeping me going. I read her text about 11:30AM and my mood DROPPED like I could have literally taken it out of my body and smashed it against the floor. I wasn't mad or upset with her specifically what so ever. She had to find work that is completely understandable. In that moment my anxiety hit 10 in 2.2
I work at a grocery store.. And it was super busy today, the store was flooded with people and having to deal with them and the constant feeling of suff...
4:30 AM ; Get up for work.
6:00 AM ; Start work.
Apparently I don't know what sleep is anymore I've been living off of 5 hours or less of sleep and going into work doing 8 hour shifts, even when I'm scheduled for 6 hours I end up working 8 hours anyways.
Work has been ao stressful and busy. As if that wasn't enough to worry about, we have to move at some point so were looking for places. I get what your mom is saying. And you want her support, your still different from the few I've been with. And i can't be mad that you won't just kick him out. He scares the shit out of you. I've been there, I know how it feels. So now I'm considering moving on my own. If they move out of town I don't have...
Ugh work is figuratively killing me.
Work hard play hard. That's what they say right ?
Last week I worked 33 hours because I stayed late 3 nights. And again tonight scheduled for 6 hours worked 8 with only one smoke break🙈I am classified as a part time employee. Don't get the wrong the money will be on point but holy fuck why does it seem like I am the only one working late and everyone else goes home at their scheduled time? Doesn't seem fair to me. The only time I said no to staying was Tuesday because i got 4 hours of sleep. I know this isn't my forever job. I'm currently saving my money to get me to Montreal for my consultation when it gets scheduled and to buy my truck in February. Whe...
I'm at that point again where I have no idea what the fuck am I doing with my life. I'm going to be doing college prep and for what? I still have doubts. I got a job, what am I saving for though? No idea.
Am I gonna stay here and live on a farm? Or go out into the city and find a ridiculous high paying job after college? Am I stuck living on my own for the rest of my life because I can't stand anyone else or they just end up leaving? I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, or where I'll be in the next 5 years. I have no plans. This is ruining me
I haven't posted in awhile.
But today I'm feeling fantastic, it's a beautiful day, going to drive out to my aunties for my cousins 13th birthday!!
On another note. A couple days ago I had sort of orientation with McDonald's. I also figured out McDonalds has a fucking basement !! It's huge!! But I was with another guy and a girl. And we had to try uniforms on. At first I didn't think anything of it. Thought okay cool. When I got in the change room/bathroom. For once I didn't slip into the stall I just ripped my shirt off with my binder on still and pants etc. And the other guy came in. Then it hit me. I thought oh fuck is he going to realize I'm trans? Does my bulge look normal? Will my bin...
I knew after I got my first email from Fanshawe college was not going to a goal this year. I was'nt even thinking about college when I was in high school. I always thought that was not something I would be interested in. But now I want to go to Psychology. I don't meet the requirements. And my only option is going into skilled trades which I don't think is what I want to do. I'm conflicted. I'm beating myself up over this. Thinking McDonald's is my job for life because I find any other place to hire me. I've been unemployed since January 2016. I'm getting tired of depending on everyone else. That's why I got my G1 finally. I over came that fear and just went for it.
And even just with McDona...
I am hoping that I get the new position at the SuperStore. I need this more than anything right now.
I have orientation at McDonald's Wednesday. And don't start til next week? I found out about this other job by the end of the week.
I can't work at McDonald's. They will make me shave. Bitch do you realize how long it took me to grow the goatee I have now!?
It's one of the few things helping my dysphoria. I can't just get rid of it.. I'm fucking praying for a job at the SuperStore.
IF THERE IS A GOD PLEASE HELP ME, HOLY FUCK HOW I NEED THIS.