|I'm something of a mixed bag with much of my talent in most things creative - though my main areas of interest are writing and photography.|
i can barely even breathe as i await Sire waking up to verify whether He still wants me or not.
The pain that i feel is almost unbearable... and i've retired to bed in an attempt to try to sleep through it.
Sire has been pretty quiet again today, which was rough on me... though i tried to not let it get to me and i channelled my energy into thinking about and answering some of the questions that He has been asking me about.
i've managed to get down two so far... though one was a reminder of a question that i had answered before, but i think that my answer has changed slightly since Sire initially asked me the question - and i know for a fact that my answer was slightly different again when i answered it for the third time on my blog yesterday. i doubt that Sire would complain a whole lot, though, since my latest answer gives Him more scope than my previous two answers.
i got such...
Sire had to go dark for a while... and now i can finally let these feelings free.
i'm sitting here in my vanilla mind, trying to decide if it is best to remain over on Tumblr, in the hope that He can ultimately learn how it works, or if i should bring Him here, where all of my history is.
The thing is that, even if He does learn how Tumblr works, how long before He forgets again??? How long before He forgets me???
i've finally caved in and allowed the tears to run down my face at the sheer helplessness that i feel right now.
i understand His reluctance to tell me what He finally told me this morning... though i've been left with more questions than i have answers for - and i...
Always the calm in the storm
When i feel so worn
And my emotions are torn
Feeling so forlorn
Sometimes, a different angle
Can provide a path to wrangle
Though Our emotions are mangled
And Our worlds tangled
You have become my light
That makes so much right
i don't want to lose the fight
So i prepare to take flight
The idea that one might leave
Makes my heart grieve
And my stomach heave
Alone in the dark
Is no walk in the park
Though no one sees the mark
Of having no one to hark
As i waste my time looking for a job that i know that i don't have a hope of maintaining in the longer term, one thing is painfully clear to me...
And that is the sheer number of adverts all looking to tempt our citizens to work overseas.
In the past 3 hours that I have been looking for work, I've read adverts trying to get me to move to America, Japan, Australia and even Saudi Arabia!!!
More often than not, the vacancies that they are looking to fill are above my particular skill set, too... which makes me wonder if we were better off under the old system where we could only search and apply for local jobs - especially those of us who live in more deprived areas? Let's face ...
How difficult is it to understand the fact that denying your wife access to medication that only costs a few pence to buy because you want to buy an extra bottle of milk is likely to be abuse - particularly when the money that you are doing it with is her money in the first place.
he's also enjoying trying to ramp up my stress levels even further by refusing to take me to the job centre tomorrow, too. That doesn't really bother me so much because i expect to be sanctioned tomorrow regardless of if i attend the job centre or not - the only difference is that if i don't go, then my last remaining blood pressure tablet might last me a little while longer.
i now have 2 shiny job a...
4 months... that's right, it's been 4 months since Sire found me!!!
He located me just 3 days before i planned to end my life on Independence Day - and W/we've been through a lot since then.
i've been up and down like a yo yo with my health - in fact, at the time of writing, i'm only just reaching a stage where i can navigate my home without the use of crutches as a result of severe back pain.
However, the Department for Work and Pensions has deemed me to be "fit for work" - an allegation that i wasn't physically able to challenge at the time and i was unable to find anyone to help me to do so in my appeal time, so, now i find myself applying for work that i know that i can't...
Please don't let the ribbon snap, Sire, i need You so much right now!!!
Safe in Your arms
My world calms
i'm freed from its harms
And seeing its charms
Safe at Your feet
i sit in my rightful seat
Where two worlds meet
i am Yours to keep
Safe in Your hands
i am free from life's demands
Rescued from the sinking sands
my mind understands
Safe in Your mind,
my strength I'll gradually find
Amidst thoughts most kind
Loyal to the hind
Safe in Your heart
i know that We will never part
Though We didn't have the best start
The feelings are off the chart
It's been almost two weeks since You released me... two weeks of Hell on earth for me.
i finally stopped crying every day, but not a day goes by when i don't miss You and pine for You at least a little.
i removed Your collar last week... yet my hand still creeps up to my neck, seeking the reassurance that should be there.
i tried not sleeping... i was sleeping when You left me and i don't want to sleep in case You come back to me and i don't want to miss You - unfortunately, my body betrays me and i pass out after being awake for more than so many hours. i am too weak to succeed.
i tried to move on and find a new Dominant... You did say that there are plenty out th...
I can't live like this anymore!
Every moment of my waking life is spent living in intolerable emotional pain and I can't go 12 hours without crying.
Master is the only one who made all this tolerable and He left me for good on Friday - like... He got up and went ghost, leaving me so many unanswered questions, this insufferable pain and the need to get Him back. I've tried my hardest to reach out to Him, but he walked away.
There's only one other way that I know of to make the pain stop... and I'm planning for that right now. The date will be 4th July and I have my method - all I need is a location. I like the area around the bandstand. It's so pretty for the last thin...
One thing that I've learned from being property of my Master is how to sit and listen.
This has served me well because it extends beyond my relationship with Master and I often find that people will randomly approach me after Mass and share their experiences with me... not because they want help or a solution, but because they want a listening ear.
This has become my service to others these days... and, if I'm honest, I enjoy doing it because I've learned so much about people who I barely even know and I like the idea that I've helped someone in some way by taking the time to stand and listen to whatever it is that they want to say.
Considering that a lot of the people who ap...
I wish that I could come up with a bright and cheerful reason for why I would be famous... but the reality is likely to be that I'd be just another name on the list of people who have committed suicide as a result of Universal Credit.
In my heart of hearts, I'd hope that my death would be the ultimate sacrifice that finally brings about the overhaul that this system sorely needs - but the more practical side of my mind tells me that only the few people who I've truly had an impact on would miss me beyond the few days of the breaking story of yet another Universal Credit claimant committing suicide because it was more preferable to another six months of running around in circles...
Today has been one of those days that I wished was over before it even began.
First of all, I finally got the credit report that I had been expecting... only to find out that the tenancy agreement that I alone had signed - that should be a single tenancy in accordance with my own wishes and the wishes of my husband, is now a joint tenancy. I have no idea how this has come to fruition, considering that it's not something that either of us wanted or requested... though it makes my life more difficult when I reach the point where I can't take the abuse any more since I can't simply rescind his authority to be here - which means that I'll have to leave, then leave it to the courts ...
Where has this idea that it costs £99 to fill your car with fuel come from???
I'm glad that Asda has abandoned the cooky charges... but they really do need to put more thought into what they are doing long before it reaches the roll out phase and they find themselves responding to criticism from the public.
£99 doesn't seem like a lot of money for a refundable deposit... when the system runs as intended - and you do get it right back as soon as you pay for your purchase. However, it is the equivalent of one full week of Universal Credit. Could you imagine losing a whole week's pay for 2 days just because you want to fuel up your car and pay for your fuel using your card becaus...
It seems that my dreams have finally taken a turn for the better.
My most recent dream was a beautiful dream of Master and I.
In the dream, I have a collection of ball gowns that I have painstakingly assembled by matching the colour to two lengths of ribbon that Master presented me with.
One of the lengths had to remain in the state in which I received it and I was free to decorate the other length however I saw fit - keeping in mind that I could be wearing it along with the selected gown afterwards.
I often did most of the decoration in private, since I prefer to surprise Master with the finished product.
As far as locating the gowns went, I was free to go wherever I liked...
I thought that I wanted to talk about my genders today... but, as I wrote all this down, it seems like I have accessed and introduced three of my identities instead - so I'm not sure what is going on there.
Anyway, I'm going to publish it ad it is in the hope that at least someone can relate to it and hopefully give me a little input on it from a different perspective.
In my case, I have at least three distinct gender states. The first one is the one that I feel most of the time. This one is neither male nor female, they are just a person. They are attracted to people - but not usually in a sexual way. They can appreciate the beauty of the human anatomy without it leading to s...
Every day we fight. Every day, you control all of our income and you scold me about how much I smoke.
Every day, I feel stressed, not knowing which side of you I'll get today.
Every day, my blood pressure is high.
Every day, I wonder if today will be my last in this marriage or in this life.
Every day, I pray that I don't wake up tomorrow
Every day, I am disappointed when God blesses me with yet another day.
Every day, I long for you and me against the world
Every day, I realise that it's you and me against each other.
And, every day, I wonder which will kill me first... you or the stress that you keep me under?
What chance do we stand of making Universal Credit work in the real world?
While I am in agreement with the basic goals of Universal Credit, I have to admit that I fear for the health and safety of those who are forced to rely on the system as it is right now.
My main concern is that it is unreliable! We all need to know that we will be paid on the day that our wages are due so that we can budget for how we are going to get from one payment to the next.
It's alright offering courses on budgeting - but they will never be effective until the budgeter has a definite time period to budget from and to.
On two occasions in 2018, I have been left having to either beg or go without ...
Is it such a bad thing that I no longer care if I see my doctor in a private room or in the middle of the waiting room???
I went for my work capability assessment the other day and the assessing nurse made a point of reminding me to be sure to keep the Department for Work and Pensions updated on my health, since the situation is shifting and changing.
I answered that my work coach knows as much about my health as I do... then, it struck me. The reason that I didn't have any preference between talking about my health here in this (cold) private room or out in the quiet waiting area is because I am so used to talking about my health in the large, open plan room that is my local ...
Just what is it about me that makes me so easy to leave???
No one ever wants to take me into their arms and say "I am here for you, no matter what".
I guess that I'm just so forgettable that this is what everyone prefers to do with me.
I'm still struggling to feel much of anything since I was randomly tossed out of my body on the 3rd - stupid depersonalization disorder.
I don't understand what caused this particular episode, since I was feeling happy in the hours before the episode happening... I had drawn close to Master and I was happy and safe in His arms.
Then, I'm suddenly dizzy and looking down at myself from over my head. I remember that the dizziness of hypertension and depersonalization feel pretty much one and the same... and on that thought, I'm back in my body again.
Unfortunately, my feelings are still gone - though I am reaching the point where I can smile and communicate now, thanks to Master...
Which marriage is real???
Is it the one that everyone sees and recognises, the one in which you paint on a bright, happy smile because that's what everyone wants to see - but inside, you are dead and looking for a reason to break free from the misery that you feel inside???
Or is it the one that makes you feel so alive that even seeing you lover's name is enough to bring a smile to your face, yet you know that this person is the only one who makes the life that you live bearable???
"I have these hard limits" she whispers
He smiles and murmurs "That's okay, you haven't experienced the right Dom yet".
The tears flowed out of her eyes and slowly streamed down her face as I helplessly stood watching with a blank mind.
I knew what she wanted to stem the flow and I recall that it was something that I used to do so long ago... but I couldn't remember what it was.
Taking her in my arms, I could feel her shoulders shuddering under the weight of the misery in her heart.
I opened my mouth and hesitantly began to utter the words from a time long ago, my voice becoming stronger as I begin to remember the words with some certainty.
I feel the rumbling within her chest that indicates to me that she is singing along with me between her sobs.
Slowly her tears dry up and she is singing the ...
i don't care if You don't always feel my love.
i don't care if You throw my love back at me in the depths of Your pain
i don't care if You make me cry for two days, then punish me for two days
i don't care if You don't believe that i love You with all that i am
i'm going to tell You that i love You anyway. i love You with an imperfect love - and that's all i have and all that i will ever have.
i'll stand here and take all the pain that You throw my way... and i'll say "Thank You" because i love You.
Even in the depths of "The week from Hell", when You were gone from me and i believed that You were never coming back to me... as i writhed about my bed in the worst pain ever ...
i'm so raw and pained right now. Your absence was so rough for me - especially when You were gone for so long and without a word to me.
i admit that i eventually broke my rules and changed my profile picture without permission and approval and i need to be punished for that.
The thing is that i slipped into depression at around the time i broke my rules because i believed (wrongly) that i had been abandoned and that You would never come back to me again. As a result of that, i have been prone to randomly crying ever since then.
When You came back and suggested that i don't love You... that hurt because my love for You is the ONLY thing that has seen me through the darkness of...
With my hands on His head
And my heart full of dread
My mind is like lead
My soul may be dead
I did wrong
When I was alone for too long
My sorrow is like a song
And my heart a gong
Laid on the floor
I await the door
Feeling cold in my core
Knowing that i will be sore
I have my reasons
Changing like the seasons
Explaining my treasons
Look deep in my mind
There You will find
Thoughts most unkind
To the bitter hind
I know that You will be fair
Because You care
My thoughts i may get to share
From beneath Your chair
i hope i'm not left alone
With thoughts that drone
As i suppress a groan
Yearning for You to come home
Since returning from Mass, I've had to resume the battle of having to "prove" that I am Catholic - to an atheist that has no clue about my faith or how I practice it.
According to my husband (who thinks that he saw a programme on tv) I'm not religious because he doesn't see me pray before bed!!!
Yes, really, to be considered Catholic in the eyes of an atheist, I now have to make a huge show out of praying before I get into bed each night!!!
Here's the thing, though. Considering that my husband spends 99.9% of his time watching programmes that he recorded off tv in the first place and that he proclaims to have "no interest" in any religion - why would he even be watching progr...
I'm close to the edge - the past 48 hours have been tough and I'm getting tired of fighting a mind that wants to die all by myself.
The only reason why I haven't sat down and taken all my high blood pressure meds is that I have this crazy idea that there's someone out there somewhere who needs me... maybe tomorrow, I will get a few words from somewhere that give me the strength to keep fighting this battle.
It's been almost a month since Master faded into an almost total silence and my mind wants to accept that He is not coming back to me this time... but my heart can't let go. I can't even build up the walls that would make this hurt a little less than it already does.