|I'm something of a mixed bag with much of my talent in most things creative - though my main areas of interest are writing and photography.|
It's been almost two weeks since You released me... two weeks of Hell on earth for me.
i finally stopped crying every day, but not a day goes by when i don't miss You and pine for You at least a little.
i removed Your collar last week... yet my hand still creeps up to my neck, seeking the reassurance that should be there.
i tried not sleeping... i was sleeping when You left me and i don't want to sleep in case You come back to me and i don't want to miss You - unfortunately, my body betrays me and i pass out after being awake for more than so many hours. i am too weak to succeed.
i tried to move on and find a new Dominant... You did say that there are plenty out th...
I can't live like this anymore!
Every moment of my waking life is spent living in intolerable emotional pain and I can't go 12 hours without crying.
Master is the only one who made all this tolerable and He left me for good on Friday - like... He got up and went ghost, leaving me so many unanswered questions, this insufferable pain and the need to get Him back. I've tried my hardest to reach out to Him, but he walked away.
There's only one other way that I know of to make the pain stop... and I'm planning for that right now. The date will be 4th July and I have my method - all I need is a location. I like the area around the bandstand. It's so pretty for the last thin...
One thing that I've learned from being property of my Master is how to sit and listen.
This has served me well because it extends beyond my relationship with Master and I often find that people will randomly approach me after Mass and share their experiences with me... not because they want help or a solution, but because they want a listening ear.
This has become my service to others these days... and, if I'm honest, I enjoy doing it because I've learned so much about people who I barely even know and I like the idea that I've helped someone in some way by taking the time to stand and listen to whatever it is that they want to say.
Considering that a lot of the people who ap...
I wish that I could come up with a bright and cheerful reason for why I would be famous... but the reality is likely to be that I'd be just another name on the list of people who have committed suicide as a result of Universal Credit.
In my heart of hearts, I'd hope that my death would be the ultimate sacrifice that finally brings about the overhaul that this system sorely needs - but the more practical side of my mind tells me that only the few people who I've truly had an impact on would miss me beyond the few days of the breaking story of yet another Universal Credit claimant committing suicide because it was more preferable to another six months of running around in circles...
Today has been one of those days that I wished was over before it even began.
First of all, I finally got the credit report that I had been expecting... only to find out that the tenancy agreement that I alone had signed - that should be a single tenancy in accordance with my own wishes and the wishes of my husband, is now a joint tenancy. I have no idea how this has come to fruition, considering that it's not something that either of us wanted or requested... though it makes my life more difficult when I reach the point where I can't take the abuse any more since I can't simply rescind his authority to be here - which means that I'll have to leave, then leave it to the courts ...
Where has this idea that it costs £99 to fill your car with fuel come from???
I'm glad that Asda has abandoned the cooky charges... but they really do need to put more thought into what they are doing long before it reaches the roll out phase and they find themselves responding to criticism from the public.
£99 doesn't seem like a lot of money for a refundable deposit... when the system runs as intended - and you do get it right back as soon as you pay for your purchase. However, it is the equivalent of one full week of Universal Credit. Could you imagine losing a whole week's pay for 2 days just because you want to fuel up your car and pay for your fuel using your card becaus...
It seems that my dreams have finally taken a turn for the better.
My most recent dream was a beautiful dream of Master and I.
In the dream, I have a collection of ball gowns that I have painstakingly assembled by matching the colour to two lengths of ribbon that Master presented me with.
One of the lengths had to remain in the state in which I received it and I was free to decorate the other length however I saw fit - keeping in mind that I could be wearing it along with the selected gown afterwards.
I often did most of the decoration in private, since I prefer to surprise Master with the finished product.
As far as locating the gowns went, I was free to go wherever I liked...
I thought that I wanted to talk about my genders today... but, as I wrote all this down, it seems like I have accessed and introduced three of my identities instead - so I'm not sure what is going on there.
Anyway, I'm going to publish it ad it is in the hope that at least someone can relate to it and hopefully give me a little input on it from a different perspective.
In my case, I have at least three distinct gender states. The first one is the one that I feel most of the time. This one is neither male nor female, they are just a person. They are attracted to people - but not usually in a sexual way. They can appreciate the beauty of the human anatomy without it leading to s...
Every day we fight. Every day, you control all of our income and you scold me about how much I smoke.
Every day, I feel stressed, not knowing which side of you I'll get today.
Every day, my blood pressure is high.
Every day, I wonder if today will be my last in this marriage or in this life.
Every day, I pray that I don't wake up tomorrow
Every day, I am disappointed when God blesses me with yet another day.
Every day, I long for you and me against the world
Every day, I realise that it's you and me against each other.
And, every day, I wonder which will kill me first... you or the stress that you keep me under?
What chance do we stand of making Universal Credit work in the real world?
While I am in agreement with the basic goals of Universal Credit, I have to admit that I fear for the health and safety of those who are forced to rely on the system as it is right now.
My main concern is that it is unreliable! We all need to know that we will be paid on the day that our wages are due so that we can budget for how we are going to get from one payment to the next.
It's alright offering courses on budgeting - but they will never be effective until the budgeter has a definite time period to budget from and to.
On two occasions in 2018, I have been left having to either beg or go without ...
Is it such a bad thing that I no longer care if I see my doctor in a private room or in the middle of the waiting room???
I went for my work capability assessment the other day and the assessing nurse made a point of reminding me to be sure to keep the Department for Work and Pensions updated on my health, since the situation is shifting and changing.
I answered that my work coach knows as much about my health as I do... then, it struck me. The reason that I didn't have any preference between talking about my health here in this (cold) private room or out in the quiet waiting area is because I am so used to talking about my health in the large, open plan room that is my local ...
Just what is it about me that makes me so easy to leave???
No one ever wants to take me into their arms and say "I am here for you, no matter what".
I guess that I'm just so forgettable that this is what everyone prefers to do with me.
I'm still struggling to feel much of anything since I was randomly tossed out of my body on the 3rd - stupid depersonalization disorder.
I don't understand what caused this particular episode, since I was feeling happy in the hours before the episode happening... I had drawn close to Master and I was happy and safe in His arms.
Then, I'm suddenly dizzy and looking down at myself from over my head. I remember that the dizziness of hypertension and depersonalization feel pretty much one and the same... and on that thought, I'm back in my body again.
Unfortunately, my feelings are still gone - though I am reaching the point where I can smile and communicate now, thanks to Master...
Which marriage is real???
Is it the one that everyone sees and recognises, the one in which you paint on a bright, happy smile because that's what everyone wants to see - but inside, you are dead and looking for a reason to break free from the misery that you feel inside???
Or is it the one that makes you feel so alive that even seeing you lover's name is enough to bring a smile to your face, yet you know that this person is the only one who makes the life that you live bearable???
"I have these hard limits" she whispers
He smiles and murmurs "That's okay, you haven't experienced the right Dom yet".
The tears flowed out of her eyes and slowly streamed down her face as I helplessly stood watching with a blank mind.
I knew what she wanted to stem the flow and I recall that it was something that I used to do so long ago... but I couldn't remember what it was.
Taking her in my arms, I could feel her shoulders shuddering under the weight of the misery in her heart.
I opened my mouth and hesitantly began to utter the words from a time long ago, my voice becoming stronger as I begin to remember the words with some certainty.
I feel the rumbling within her chest that indicates to me that she is singing along with me between her sobs.
Slowly her tears dry up and she is singing the ...
i don't care if You don't always feel my love.
i don't care if You throw my love back at me in the depths of Your pain
i don't care if You make me cry for two days, then punish me for two days
i don't care if You don't believe that i love You with all that i am
i'm going to tell You that i love You anyway. i love You with an imperfect love - and that's all i have and all that i will ever have.
i'll stand here and take all the pain that You throw my way... and i'll say "Thank You" because i love You.
Even in the depths of "The week from Hell", when You were gone from me and i believed that You were never coming back to me... as i writhed about my bed in the worst pain ever ...
i'm so raw and pained right now. Your absence was so rough for me - especially when You were gone for so long and without a word to me.
i admit that i eventually broke my rules and changed my profile picture without permission and approval and i need to be punished for that.
The thing is that i slipped into depression at around the time i broke my rules because i believed (wrongly) that i had been abandoned and that You would never come back to me again. As a result of that, i have been prone to randomly crying ever since then.
When You came back and suggested that i don't love You... that hurt because my love for You is the ONLY thing that has seen me through the darkness of...
With my hands on His head
And my heart full of dread
My mind is like lead
My soul may be dead
I did wrong
When I was alone for too long
My sorrow is like a song
And my heart a gong
Laid on the floor
I await the door
Feeling cold in my core
Knowing that i will be sore
I have my reasons
Changing like the seasons
Explaining my treasons
Look deep in my mind
There You will find
Thoughts most unkind
To the bitter hind
I know that You will be fair
Because You care
My thoughts i may get to share
From beneath Your chair
i hope i'm not left alone
With thoughts that drone
As i suppress a groan
Yearning for You to come home
Since returning from Mass, I've had to resume the battle of having to "prove" that I am Catholic - to an atheist that has no clue about my faith or how I practice it.
According to my husband (who thinks that he saw a programme on tv) I'm not religious because he doesn't see me pray before bed!!!
Yes, really, to be considered Catholic in the eyes of an atheist, I now have to make a huge show out of praying before I get into bed each night!!!
Here's the thing, though. Considering that my husband spends 99.9% of his time watching programmes that he recorded off tv in the first place and that he proclaims to have "no interest" in any religion - why would he even be watching progr...
I'm close to the edge - the past 48 hours have been tough and I'm getting tired of fighting a mind that wants to die all by myself.
The only reason why I haven't sat down and taken all my high blood pressure meds is that I have this crazy idea that there's someone out there somewhere who needs me... maybe tomorrow, I will get a few words from somewhere that give me the strength to keep fighting this battle.
It's been almost a month since Master faded into an almost total silence and my mind wants to accept that He is not coming back to me this time... but my heart can't let go. I can't even build up the walls that would make this hurt a little less than it already does.
i'm trying to endure Your silence as best as i can... though it's not easy because it is enough to bring me to tears each and every day.
You see, i love You so much that i want it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.
i want mine to be the hands that dry Your tears
And mine to be the voice that soothes Your wounds
Mine should be the ears that hear Your thoughts
My eyes should feast on Your beauty
My nose should be buried in a book as i learn how to be of better use to You
And my cheek resting on Your chest as i listen to the good in Your heart
my every thought should be of You
my every deed should bring You joy
my every step should be Your delight
my every praise should be You...
A year after I converted to the Catholic faith, I'm still having to fight just to attend church.
The main culprit this time is my mother, who still refuses to accept that I have faith... even after a year of regular church attendance.
Because she wants my husband to help her see to a few things tomorrow, she seems to think that I can just skip Mass this week.
I refuse to miss another Mass for any reason because I've already missed the last two Masses that I wanted to attend. Even with that aside, Easter Masses are some of my favourite Masses and I don't see why there's any need for me to forgo them when they have enough people who can drive up there to either nip my husband h...
Another long night of silence has passed... and i'm still here, quietly at Your feet. my mind is a hive of activity as i ask You the questions buzzing around in it, listening intently, not just to Your answers but to Your voice, too - how i could have You talk forever if You only would.
In my mind, i dive into the beauty of those eyes... eyes that can see right through me. i want to drown in them and never see the light of day.
In reality, i shiver and shake as i think that You won't come back to me. Just the mere thought of that fate is enough to make me cry and i wonder if You would stay away or would Yours be the hands stemming the stream of tears down my face?
i decide th...
I'm tired of always hearing about the world according to what others say.
I've spent the past fourteen years constantly fighting to get my husband to listen to me and turn to me... and the past twenty four hours have been no different.
My doctor recently told me to get a blood pressure monitor and monitor my own blood pressure at home because I have high blood pressure now and we need to know if we have my treatment at the correct dosage for me or not.
Anyway, my husband asked the doctor how much a blood pressure monitor would cost to buy and the doctor gave a ball park figure of £30. Instead of taking the time and effort required to shop around and see what other options are...
Alone, she sits
Numbly flicking from screen to screen
Hoping for a notification
Longing for the notification
That ends the silence
Just a few words
Is all it takes
To end the aimless wandering
And steady her emotions
For just a little while
Clinging to hope that's dwindling
She yearns for the words
That set her heart on fire
Setting the crown down
Was an easy thing to do
She feels happy and gay
Her stride is light
Knowing that she did right
This is not her fight
She is destined for flight
That's not her plight
Out in the cold
People reach for a hand to hold
They are worth more than gold
Reaching out my hand, i touch the raw, open wounds. my heart breaks as He doesn't seem to notice my caress. His mind is too locked on the pain of the wounds.
i try to soothe the sting of the pain, but it is too raw and the balm fails to penetrate beyond the exterior.
my eyes weep silent tears because of how cruelly He was treated and i long to take those wounds for my own. How i would be honoured to bear that pain without complaint... if He could only see the beauty that i see.
The cruel irony is that i know that He would do exactly the same for me! i feel the cool caress of His touch and i hear His words as He whispers in the wind "Not your fault, Baby doll". i feel the sting of the ointm...
Why won't they fucking listen to me???
It's alright them keep telling me to take my medication, but they aren't here to hold my hand as I go through the fucking side effects that I am suffering from as a result of having to take them!
Today has been scary because I've been having chest pains that seemed to be like something that I might expect to feel if I was having a heart attack... knowing that I am waiting for a referral for a heart scan isn't really helping right now, either. The only thing that has kept me from calling an ambulance is knowing that we are in the middle of flu season. I've managed to avoid both the flu and norovirus so far this year, but even I don't want ...
The biggest pain in my life has to be feeling suicidal.
Unfortunately, there's not a lot that you feel like doing when you are riding the emotions of that feeling... but there are still things that you can do to reduce your suffering.
1) Keep to a steady routine - keeping your life as normal as possible in its routine can be a help since it limits the time that you can spend alone in bed, trying to deal with the feelings.
2) Surround yourself with people who love you - Self love and self care aren't going to be at the top of your list of priorities while you are feeling suicidal, so you'll need help from people outside of you to at least love you while you are at your worst. ...