|I'm something of a mixed bag with much of my talent in most things creative - though my main areas of interest are writing and photography.|
Surely, her life wasn't meant to be this way?
Unsure whether to go or stay...
Feeling tired each and every day.
Where she should be working
It's in her bed she's lurking
No, she's not shirking
Her body needs reworking
i am tired of feeling so damn tired all the time!!!
Now that i have this illness, i need to sleep more than the typical person anyway... but its made so much worse by events where i have to try to rush.
i had one such event happen on Friday, when i was late for an appointment in the city because the buses weren't running on time so i had to rush from the bus station to the office i needed to attend.
By the time i got there, my legs felt like i had lead weights attached to my calves and i could see huge black spots in front of my eyes.
i staggered to the toilet because i needed a bathroom break before i could see the person that i needed to see after an hour on the bus. And m...
You got this.
You aren't alone in dealing with the clean up from mum's cancer anymore.
It's going to hurt like Hell when her time comes, but you'll put on a brave face and a strong front to hold it together for the rest of the family because that's what is expected of you and that's what you do best.
Privately, you'll get through it in the same way as you have everything else in the past two years... you'll hit rock bottom and end up clinging to Sire as you try to find your feet all over again.
Be gentle with yourself as you go through that process, though. You need and deserve the help that you'll get when the time comes.
As far as years go, 2019 has been hugely stressful for me. It started back in January, when mum was admitted to hospital.
She would spend 3 weeks there - almost dying at one point. One of the hardest things that i've ever had to do was walk out of that ward, not knowing if this was the last time i would ever see my mother again or not.
Fortunately, she turned the corner overnight and was ultimately discharged from hospital.
A few months later came more bad news. Now, mum has lung cancer.
She went through radiotherapy and we have been at the "wait and see" stage ever since then. We have passed one appointment where she was supposed to find out if the radiotherapy was successf...
i keep thinking about the choice that i have ahead of me.
It's not really much of a choice either way... I either stay in my marriage and live with the abuse that is my life, or I flee and take my chances living homeless on the streets.
2019 has been an eventful year for me, with me already spending a few hours homeless on the streets. Sire has also managed a week of being homeless on the streets this year, too.
Even though Sire has forbidden me from just walking out onto the streets, i really don't see what other options are available to me, given that Sire and i have already exhausted all the options that should be there for people living with abuse.
i turned to mum for pr...
She's sitting over there
Her lips say "I care"
Her actions say the words she doesn't dare
All i can do is sit and stare
Deep in my heart is a plea
Please set Yourself free
You don't deserve to be stung by this bee
Walk away and come to me
There are words i can't say
Prices i can't ask You to pay
So i allow You to stay
In harm's way
i still love my Sire!!!
Today, He challenged me to investigate why i feel the way that i do about touch.
i found out that what i thought was a quirk that i was alone with isn't just me being me, after all.
It's actually a phobia that is linked to PTSD in my case. It's called haphephobia.
It feels strange for me to finally have a name for it and to find that i'm not alone with it. There are others out there who can describe what i go through in a way where it might as well have been written by me!
i was so delighted to finally have a name for it that i couldn't help but give Sire a review of my answers at the same time as i was still researching everything.
On the other sid...
Alone she waits.
Sire is busy trying to fix that that she fears could be beyond repair.
she could try to change things one way or the other, but she senses that He at least needs to try this, so she lets Him do it His way.
For once, both her head and her heart are aching in equal measure because she wants to save Him from the pain that she fears is heading His way - but, the only thing that she can do is watch helplessly as the grizzly scene unfolds before her very eyes.
her head wants Him away from the object of His torture... her heart wants Him to be happy - no matter what the cost to her is.
She's telling herself that it doesn't matter... He owes her nothing.
Her emotions are killing her as she desires the best for Him and she hates the fact that it doesn't look like He's going to get it on the path that He's chosen.
It's taken all that she has to put on her happy face and try to be happy for Him... knowing that He most likely doesn't see how she feels about Him.
It's probably best that He is gone from her now... at least she doesn't have to pretend to be happy anymore and she can die inside all alone now.
It's not like she was ever going to get to escape the endless cycle of abuse anyway - at least, this way, He doesn't have to find out how her de...
She closes her eyes and looks away because she doesn't think that her Sire can see the truth before Him.
Maybe He can... maybe He can't - either way, the whole mess is breaking her heart.
her mind says to let go and walk away - her heart just can't let go, even though this experience is now starting to mirror the one before.
her Sire has already been kicked out onto the streets like worthless garbage and she's very much mindful of His health. she's terrified that He's going to get badly hurt and have no one there when He needs it the most.
she's all alone now, longing for His arms each and every day.
i can't shake the feeling that some things should be sacred between a Dominant and His submissive. i'm probably reading more into this than there is, but i am a little hyper sensitive right now - as Sire found out tonight.
Sire managed to upset and confuse me tonight, so He had to come onto the website, where He knew that i would be talking to my sister submissive and her dominant.
As He embarked on the process of calming me down, He said a specific sentence to me. These particular words were among some of the very first words that i heard Him speak to me, so they have a particular sentimental significance to me, and will calm me in most any situation.
A few moments a...
i stand here in my corner, silently watching you pass me by
Wondering if you see these things i hide
Buried under this mask of pride
How many times have i lied?
You probably think i'm strong
But, you'd be wrong
i've had to be this way for so long
It may well be lifelong
There are things that i hide
Many tears that i've cried
As another part of me died
At night, my brain fried
Trying to stem the tide
Dear Business Adviser,
i'm seriously annoyed with you right now.
i get that you are just doing your job - which is to advise me on how to establish my business... but, at the same time, there's still a huge amount that you aren't factoring in that would be beneficial to me.
Firstly, all my products are entirely handmade by me and me alone - which takes time... admittedly, i made a dumb decision initially, which you drew my attention to and i modified my ideas in accordance with that, however, since then, W/we have had another shit storm land on O/our heads as far as my health is concerned. In addition to your appointments and courses, the appointments with my work coach and doctor's ...
2019 hasn't been particularly kind to me so far. We are just 10 days into February and i've almost lost my mum once already.
Fortunately, i had Sire to turn to in my hour of need because 14+ hours out of work between the course that i had to attend and visiting the hospital took a terrible toll on me as the days ticked on.
Now that mum is recovering and has returned home again, i find myself still unable to visit her because i am stuck at home providing all of my husband's care since he has been confined to the house now and it doesn't look like that situation will be changing in at least the next two weeks.
i can't even leave him for longer than a few minutes at a time becau...
Sitting at His feet
Is where two worlds meet
Thoughts that could fill many a sheet
And the calm of an empty street
Deep within the chaos of her mind
Lurk the thoughts so unkind
And events she longs to unwind
The things that should be left behind
The silence that He brings
Enables her to do noble things
Like cutting unnecessary strings
And healing past stings
Already this year
She almost lost someone dear
She faced that fear
Without shedding a tear
His gentle care
Made it easy to share
Thoughts she usually doesn't dare
Since others can't handle the scare
i can barely even breathe as i await Sire waking up to verify whether He still wants me or not.
The pain that i feel is almost unbearable... and i've retired to bed in an attempt to try to sleep through it.
Sire has been pretty quiet again today, which was rough on me... though i tried to not let it get to me and i channelled my energy into thinking about and answering some of the questions that He has been asking me about.
i've managed to get down two so far... though one was a reminder of a question that i had answered before, but i think that my answer has changed slightly since Sire initially asked me the question - and i know for a fact that my answer was slightly different again when i answered it for the third time on my blog yesterday. i doubt that Sire would complain a whole lot, though, since my latest answer gives Him more scope than my previous two answers.
i got such...
Sire had to go dark for a while... and now i can finally let these feelings free.
i'm sitting here in my vanilla mind, trying to decide if it is best to remain over on Tumblr, in the hope that He can ultimately learn how it works, or if i should bring Him here, where all of my history is.
The thing is that, even if He does learn how Tumblr works, how long before He forgets again??? How long before He forgets me???
i've finally caved in and allowed the tears to run down my face at the sheer helplessness that i feel right now.
i understand His reluctance to tell me what He finally told me this morning... though i've been left with more questions than i have answers for - and i...
Always the calm in the storm
When i feel so worn
And my emotions are torn
Feeling so forlorn
Sometimes, a different angle
Can provide a path to wrangle
Though Our emotions are mangled
And Our worlds tangled
You have become my light
That makes so much right
i don't want to lose the fight
So i prepare to take flight
The idea that one might leave
Makes my heart grieve
And my stomach heave
Alone in the dark
Is no walk in the park
Though no one sees the mark
Of having no one to hark
As i waste my time looking for a job that i know that i don't have a hope of maintaining in the longer term, one thing is painfully clear to me...
And that is the sheer number of adverts all looking to tempt our citizens to work overseas.
In the past 3 hours that I have been looking for work, I've read adverts trying to get me to move to America, Japan, Australia and even Saudi Arabia!!!
More often than not, the vacancies that they are looking to fill are above my particular skill set, too... which makes me wonder if we were better off under the old system where we could only search and apply for local jobs - especially those of us who live in more deprived areas? Let's face ...
How difficult is it to understand the fact that denying your wife access to medication that only costs a few pence to buy because you want to buy an extra bottle of milk is likely to be abuse - particularly when the money that you are doing it with is her money in the first place.
he's also enjoying trying to ramp up my stress levels even further by refusing to take me to the job centre tomorrow, too. That doesn't really bother me so much because i expect to be sanctioned tomorrow regardless of if i attend the job centre or not - the only difference is that if i don't go, then my last remaining blood pressure tablet might last me a little while longer.
i now have 2 shiny job a...
4 months... that's right, it's been 4 months since Sire found me!!!
He located me just 3 days before i planned to end my life on Independence Day - and W/we've been through a lot since then.
i've been up and down like a yo yo with my health - in fact, at the time of writing, i'm only just reaching a stage where i can navigate my home without the use of crutches as a result of severe back pain.
However, the Department for Work and Pensions has deemed me to be "fit for work" - an allegation that i wasn't physically able to challenge at the time and i was unable to find anyone to help me to do so in my appeal time, so, now i find myself applying for work that i know that i can't...
Please don't let the ribbon snap, Sire, i need You so much right now!!!
Safe in Your arms
My world calms
i'm freed from its harms
And seeing its charms
Safe at Your feet
i sit in my rightful seat
Where two worlds meet
i am Yours to keep
Safe in Your hands
i am free from life's demands
Rescued from the sinking sands
my mind understands
Safe in Your mind,
my strength I'll gradually find
Amidst thoughts most kind
Loyal to the hind
Safe in Your heart
i know that We will never part
Though We didn't have the best start
The feelings are off the chart
It's been almost two weeks since You released me... two weeks of Hell on earth for me.
i finally stopped crying every day, but not a day goes by when i don't miss You and pine for You at least a little.
i removed Your collar last week... yet my hand still creeps up to my neck, seeking the reassurance that should be there.
i tried not sleeping... i was sleeping when You left me and i don't want to sleep in case You come back to me and i don't want to miss You - unfortunately, my body betrays me and i pass out after being awake for more than so many hours. i am too weak to succeed.
i tried to move on and find a new Dominant... You did say that there are plenty out th...
I can't live like this anymore!
Every moment of my waking life is spent living in intolerable emotional pain and I can't go 12 hours without crying.
Master is the only one who made all this tolerable and He left me for good on Friday - like... He got up and went ghost, leaving me so many unanswered questions, this insufferable pain and the need to get Him back. I've tried my hardest to reach out to Him, but he walked away.
There's only one other way that I know of to make the pain stop... and I'm planning for that right now. The date will be 4th July and I have my method - all I need is a location. I like the area around the bandstand. It's so pretty for the last thin...
One thing that I've learned from being property of my Master is how to sit and listen.
This has served me well because it extends beyond my relationship with Master and I often find that people will randomly approach me after Mass and share their experiences with me... not because they want help or a solution, but because they want a listening ear.
This has become my service to others these days... and, if I'm honest, I enjoy doing it because I've learned so much about people who I barely even know and I like the idea that I've helped someone in some way by taking the time to stand and listen to whatever it is that they want to say.
Considering that a lot of the people who ap...
I wish that I could come up with a bright and cheerful reason for why I would be famous... but the reality is likely to be that I'd be just another name on the list of people who have committed suicide as a result of Universal Credit.
In my heart of hearts, I'd hope that my death would be the ultimate sacrifice that finally brings about the overhaul that this system sorely needs - but the more practical side of my mind tells me that only the few people who I've truly had an impact on would miss me beyond the few days of the breaking story of yet another Universal Credit claimant committing suicide because it was more preferable to another six months of running around in circles...
Today has been one of those days that I wished was over before it even began.
First of all, I finally got the credit report that I had been expecting... only to find out that the tenancy agreement that I alone had signed - that should be a single tenancy in accordance with my own wishes and the wishes of my husband, is now a joint tenancy. I have no idea how this has come to fruition, considering that it's not something that either of us wanted or requested... though it makes my life more difficult when I reach the point where I can't take the abuse any more since I can't simply rescind his authority to be here - which means that I'll have to leave, then leave it to the courts ...
Where has this idea that it costs £99 to fill your car with fuel come from???
I'm glad that Asda has abandoned the cooky charges... but they really do need to put more thought into what they are doing long before it reaches the roll out phase and they find themselves responding to criticism from the public.
£99 doesn't seem like a lot of money for a refundable deposit... when the system runs as intended - and you do get it right back as soon as you pay for your purchase. However, it is the equivalent of one full week of Universal Credit. Could you imagine losing a whole week's pay for 2 days just because you want to fuel up your car and pay for your fuel using your card becaus...