|I'm something of a mixed bag with much of my talent in most things creative - though my main areas of interest are writing and photography.|
I thought that I wanted to talk about my genders today... but, as I wrote all this down, it seems like I have accessed and introduced three of my identities instead - so I'm not sure what is going on there.
Anyway, I'm going to publish it ad it is in the hope that at least someone can relate to it and hopefully give me a little input on it from a different perspective.
In my case, I have at least three distinct gender states. The first one is the one that I feel most of the time. This one is neither male nor female, they are just a person. They are attracted to people - but not usually in a sexual way. They can appreciate the beauty of the human anatomy without it leading to s...
Every day we fight. Every day, you control all of our income and you scold me about how much I smoke.
Every day, I feel stressed, not knowing which side of you I'll get today.
Every day, my blood pressure is high.
Every day, I wonder if today will be my last in this marriage or in this life.
Every day, I pray that I don't wake up tomorrow
Every day, I am disappointed when God blesses me with yet another day.
Every day, I long for you and me against the world
Every day, I realise that it's you and me against each other.
And, every day, I wonder which will kill me first... you or the stress that you keep me under?
What chance do we stand of making Universal Credit work in the real world?
While I am in agreement with the basic goals of Universal Credit, I have to admit that I fear for the health and safety of those who are forced to rely on the system as it is right now.
My main concern is that it is unreliable! We all need to know that we will be paid on the day that our wages are due so that we can budget for how we are going to get from one payment to the next.
It's alright offering courses on budgeting - but they will never be effective until the budgeter has a definite time period to budget from and to.
On two occasions in 2018, I have been left having to either beg or go without ...
Is it such a bad thing that I no longer care if I see my doctor in a private room or in the middle of the waiting room???
I went for my work capability assessment the other day and the assessing nurse made a point of reminding me to be sure to keep the Department for Work and Pensions updated on my health, since the situation is shifting and changing.
I answered that my work coach knows as much about my health as I do... then, it struck me. The reason that I didn't have any preference between talking about my health here in this (cold) private room or out in the quiet waiting area is because I am so used to talking about my health in the large, open plan room that is my local ...
Just what is it about me that makes me so easy to leave???
No one ever wants to take me into their arms and say "I am here for you, no matter what".
I guess that I'm just so forgettable that this is what everyone prefers to do with me.
I'm still struggling to feel much of anything since I was randomly tossed out of my body on the 3rd - stupid depersonalization disorder.
I don't understand what caused this particular episode, since I was feeling happy in the hours before the episode happening... I had drawn close to Master and I was happy and safe in His arms.
Then, I'm suddenly dizzy and looking down at myself from over my head. I remember that the dizziness of hypertension and depersonalization feel pretty much one and the same... and on that thought, I'm back in my body again.
Unfortunately, my feelings are still gone - though I am reaching the point where I can smile and communicate now, thanks to Master...
Which marriage is real???
Is it the one that everyone sees and recognises, the one in which you paint on a bright, happy smile because that's what everyone wants to see - but inside, you are dead and looking for a reason to break free from the misery that you feel inside???
Or is it the one that makes you feel so alive that even seeing you lover's name is enough to bring a smile to your face, yet you know that this person is the only one who makes the life that you live bearable???
"I have these hard limits" she whispers
He smiles and murmurs "That's okay, you haven't experienced the right Dom yet".
The tears flowed out of her eyes and slowly streamed down her face as I helplessly stood watching with a blank mind.
I knew what she wanted to stem the flow and I recall that it was something that I used to do so long ago... but I couldn't remember what it was.
Taking her in my arms, I could feel her shoulders shuddering under the weight of the misery in her heart.
I opened my mouth and hesitantly began to utter the words from a time long ago, my voice becoming stronger as I begin to remember the words with some certainty.
I feel the rumbling within her chest that indicates to me that she is singing along with me between her sobs.
Slowly her tears dry up and she is singing the ...
i don't care if You don't always feel my love.
i don't care if You throw my love back at me in the depths of Your pain
i don't care if You make me cry for two days, then punish me for two days
i don't care if You don't believe that i love You with all that i am
i'm going to tell You that i love You anyway. i love You with an imperfect love - and that's all i have and all that i will ever have.
i'll stand here and take all the pain that You throw my way... and i'll say "Thank You" because i love You.
Even in the depths of "The week from Hell", when You were gone from me and i believed that You were never coming back to me... as i writhed about my bed in the worst pain ever ...
i'm so raw and pained right now. Your absence was so rough for me - especially when You were gone for so long and without a word to me.
i admit that i eventually broke my rules and changed my profile picture without permission and approval and i need to be punished for that.
The thing is that i slipped into depression at around the time i broke my rules because i believed (wrongly) that i had been abandoned and that You would never come back to me again. As a result of that, i have been prone to randomly crying ever since then.
When You came back and suggested that i don't love You... that hurt because my love for You is the ONLY thing that has seen me through the darkness of...
With my hands on His head
And my heart full of dread
My mind is like lead
My soul may be dead
I did wrong
When I was alone for too long
My sorrow is like a song
And my heart a gong
Laid on the floor
I await the door
Feeling cold in my core
Knowing that i will be sore
I have my reasons
Changing like the seasons
Explaining my treasons
Look deep in my mind
There You will find
Thoughts most unkind
To the bitter hind
I know that You will be fair
Because You care
My thoughts i may get to share
From beneath Your chair
i hope i'm not left alone
With thoughts that drone
As i suppress a groan
Yearning for You to come home
Since returning from Mass, I've had to resume the battle of having to "prove" that I am Catholic - to an atheist that has no clue about my faith or how I practice it.
According to my husband (who thinks that he saw a programme on tv) I'm not religious because he doesn't see me pray before bed!!!
Yes, really, to be considered Catholic in the eyes of an atheist, I now have to make a huge show out of praying before I get into bed each night!!!
Here's the thing, though. Considering that my husband spends 99.9% of his time watching programmes that he recorded off tv in the first place and that he proclaims to have "no interest" in any religion - why would he even be watching progr...
I'm close to the edge - the past 48 hours have been tough and I'm getting tired of fighting a mind that wants to die all by myself.
The only reason why I haven't sat down and taken all my high blood pressure meds is that I have this crazy idea that there's someone out there somewhere who needs me... maybe tomorrow, I will get a few words from somewhere that give me the strength to keep fighting this battle.
It's been almost a month since Master faded into an almost total silence and my mind wants to accept that He is not coming back to me this time... but my heart can't let go. I can't even build up the walls that would make this hurt a little less than it already does.
i'm trying to endure Your silence as best as i can... though it's not easy because it is enough to bring me to tears each and every day.
You see, i love You so much that i want it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.
i want mine to be the hands that dry Your tears
And mine to be the voice that soothes Your wounds
Mine should be the ears that hear Your thoughts
My eyes should feast on Your beauty
My nose should be buried in a book as i learn how to be of better use to You
And my cheek resting on Your chest as i listen to the good in Your heart
my every thought should be of You
my every deed should bring You joy
my every step should be Your delight
my every praise should be You...
A year after I converted to the Catholic faith, I'm still having to fight just to attend church.
The main culprit this time is my mother, who still refuses to accept that I have faith... even after a year of regular church attendance.
Because she wants my husband to help her see to a few things tomorrow, she seems to think that I can just skip Mass this week.
I refuse to miss another Mass for any reason because I've already missed the last two Masses that I wanted to attend. Even with that aside, Easter Masses are some of my favourite Masses and I don't see why there's any need for me to forgo them when they have enough people who can drive up there to either nip my husband h...
Another long night of silence has passed... and i'm still here, quietly at Your feet. my mind is a hive of activity as i ask You the questions buzzing around in it, listening intently, not just to Your answers but to Your voice, too - how i could have You talk forever if You only would.
In my mind, i dive into the beauty of those eyes... eyes that can see right through me. i want to drown in them and never see the light of day.
In reality, i shiver and shake as i think that You won't come back to me. Just the mere thought of that fate is enough to make me cry and i wonder if You would stay away or would Yours be the hands stemming the stream of tears down my face?
i decide th...
I'm tired of always hearing about the world according to what others say.
I've spent the past fourteen years constantly fighting to get my husband to listen to me and turn to me... and the past twenty four hours have been no different.
My doctor recently told me to get a blood pressure monitor and monitor my own blood pressure at home because I have high blood pressure now and we need to know if we have my treatment at the correct dosage for me or not.
Anyway, my husband asked the doctor how much a blood pressure monitor would cost to buy and the doctor gave a ball park figure of £30. Instead of taking the time and effort required to shop around and see what other options are...
Alone, she sits
Numbly flicking from screen to screen
Hoping for a notification
Longing for the notification
That ends the silence
Just a few words
Is all it takes
To end the aimless wandering
And steady her emotions
For just a little while
Clinging to hope that's dwindling
She yearns for the words
That set her heart on fire
Setting the crown down
Was an easy thing to do
She feels happy and gay
Her stride is light
Knowing that she did right
This is not her fight
She is destined for flight
That's not her plight
Out in the cold
People reach for a hand to hold
They are worth more than gold
Reaching out my hand, i touch the raw, open wounds. my heart breaks as He doesn't seem to notice my caress. His mind is too locked on the pain of the wounds.
i try to soothe the sting of the pain, but it is too raw and the balm fails to penetrate beyond the exterior.
my eyes weep silent tears because of how cruelly He was treated and i long to take those wounds for my own. How i would be honoured to bear that pain without complaint... if He could only see the beauty that i see.
The cruel irony is that i know that He would do exactly the same for me! i feel the cool caress of His touch and i hear His words as He whispers in the wind "Not your fault, Baby doll". i feel the sting of the ointm...
Why won't they fucking listen to me???
It's alright them keep telling me to take my medication, but they aren't here to hold my hand as I go through the fucking side effects that I am suffering from as a result of having to take them!
Today has been scary because I've been having chest pains that seemed to be like something that I might expect to feel if I was having a heart attack... knowing that I am waiting for a referral for a heart scan isn't really helping right now, either. The only thing that has kept me from calling an ambulance is knowing that we are in the middle of flu season. I've managed to avoid both the flu and norovirus so far this year, but even I don't want ...
The biggest pain in my life has to be feeling suicidal.
Unfortunately, there's not a lot that you feel like doing when you are riding the emotions of that feeling... but there are still things that you can do to reduce your suffering.
1) Keep to a steady routine - keeping your life as normal as possible in its routine can be a help since it limits the time that you can spend alone in bed, trying to deal with the feelings.
2) Surround yourself with people who love you - Self love and self care aren't going to be at the top of your list of priorities while you are feeling suicidal, so you'll need help from people outside of you to at least love you while you are at your worst. ...
In my opinion, few things are worse than a manipulative snake... and the one that I'm currently dealing with doesn't think that I see him for what he truly is right now.
While I know that there's not a lot that I can do about him gasligting me, I do have the freedom to choose someone else to work with if the situation doesn't improve in the near future.
I've been through enough abuse in my personal life to recognise it for what it is and there's no way will I be tolerating it in my professional life, too - besides, I have little patience for dealing with such fools these days.
This fool thinks that it is cool to tell me one thing at an appointment, even going as far as to imp...
In Her Room
We are in Her room. She is seated at Her vanity mirror, applying Her make up.
i stand back a way, the angle that i stand at offers a good view of what She is doing and my eyes drift down to her bare neck.
"Please, Mistress" i force out the words, fearing Her rejection of my gift, of me "i have a gift for You".
Approaching Her side, i fumble a little with the small box as i struggle to open it so that She may see the inexpensive chain nestled inside. As She fastens Her eyes on the pretty teardrop shaped charm in the box, i see the familiar look on Her face as She rejects my gift to Her.
After a while of talking to Her, i am able to get Her to accept my gift... and She moves as...
Woohoo!!! I'm back again!!! It took me forever to figure out that I needed to delete and reinstall my Lettrs app when it stopped working!!!
I managed to have a mostly quiet Christmas... punctuated by the odd moment of alarm. On the whole, though, it was the polar opposite of Christmas 2016 - which is precisely what Master and i set out to achieve over Christmas 2017.
I had my odd moments of weakness where I almost replied to Princess, but I remained strict with my self discipline and reminded myself that she is beyond my help now. I continue to pray for her, but that's all I can manage now.
I also reworked the Christmas Mass to a format that better worked for me since I decid...
Don't you see what you do to me???
It's been a year now, a year in which you have faithfully and regularly left Me little updates on you and your life. A year in which I have periodically unblocked you, longing to see that you are happy and have moved on without Me.
Every update, you have pleaded with Me to break My silence and it takes all that I have to remember that you made your choice when you chose him over Me. There's a place in My frozen heart that really misses you and I'd love to break My silence and have a good catch up with you - but I still care... I care too much and I know that if you use My title just once, it'll be like we haven't just spent a year apa...
How I wish someone would get him off my back for a bit.
He's done nothing but bitch at me in one form or another all day long and I'm tired of hearing just where I stand with my own husband.
He resents me for the fact that I don't have to go through job search just yet because I'm trying to work more on ensuring that I'm medically fit to carry out whichever role I ultimately end up with. The fact that walking just 2.2 miles in a day puts my body under extreme duress for the next four days isn't even a factor here and nor is the type of employment that I can realistically hope to obtain.
I decided to attempt to escape him by attempting some light cleaning at 1am... and...
So far, I've kept rather quiet on the topic of Uber potentially losing its license to operate within London because I've been putting my energies into trying to console some of our more vulnerable people who will be affected by this.
As I've done this, I've noticed that the situation has been made out to be a catastrophe because of the personal effect that the closure would have on the lives of the individuals concerned. Even the national media has jumped on the way that the potential loss of Uber within London would affect women and I've seen reports that petitions have been signed to try and reverse the decision.
I can't help but wonder just how much the general public reali...