I want to give up on the things that I can’t control.
But here I am looking up and trusting that everything will fall in place.
I keep reminding myself that I know where I stand and this is where I shall root for myself.
I take courage from all that is hurting me and all that pains my heart and soul.
I find shelter in my own thoughts and trying to overcome each surpassing moment.
I’ll stand. I’ll breathe. I’ll live.
Stepping into 2020 without you.
I knew it would be difficult. I am aware that this will feel like hell. I have been warned by my heart and mind that this would be a different battle.
It took so much courage in me to finally start a year without you. For the past 6 years I have constantly leaned on the thought of you. I was always afraid but knowing I had you made everything a little less scary.
But here I am now. I’m still breathing and still living. How do I go about this challenge?
I may not say it a lot but I am still hoping that you could look at me again with those eyes and tell me you love me. I am still hoping that I could still hold your hand and feel the warmth of your embrace. I am still hoping that I could still watch movies with you and be all that we are. I am me when I am with you. Now that you are gone. I am nothing.
I am a broken soul wanting to be healed.
I am not sure if I did the right thing today but honestly, it felt right. I wanted to whisper in your ear how much I have missed you and how badly I want you again but I had to stay quiet. It hurts my ego when you texted me those words. I am not sure why you did so but I have to act all fine. I must show you I didn't care and I don't give a shit at all but honestly I still have feelings for you. Madly deeply crazily.
Three years and I don't think it's something that you can just throw away. How can I be left here all alone wondering why you chose someone else when we were all happy? I'm standing in the corner weeping over a failed relationship. How can you just leave me and turn your back on me? I need answers. I am so lost. How can love feels so real one day and the next morning you wake up, it justs snaps? Lord, I am hurting everyday and I want it to stop.
When you say I miss you to a person, do you really miss that someone? Or your just simply saying that just becaue it already became a habit? Or maybe because you miss the presence of that person physically but not the totality of that person's being? Do you really mean it when you say you miss a person or is it just a verbal component that you ought to deliver because you are obliged to? How will you know the essence and the unfathomable meaning of missing a certain being? When you said you missed that person, did you think twice before saying it or was it an abrupt emotion? How would you know if that certain feeling is genuine or just a mere lie to mask the feelings that was once there but h...
I guess you could say I'm falling off a cliff without gravity intervening. It's a free fall actually and I don't know where I'm headed to.
If it is meant to end this way then might as well break my heart now then break my soul later.
Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.
Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.
Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.