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DIARY OF A METHHEAD

PO# 144836
Canada
Canada
Coming straight from deep inside the mind of a former meth addict - a collection of poetry and diary entries.
July 10, 2017
 

I peel away the wallpaper
And before me lies an iron door
I take a good hard look at it
And remember why I had shut it
So many years ago

Beyond that door lies a withered past
One with no path and no reason to last
A face so emaciated, we all have seen and passed

Beyond that door lies a broken girl
Stuck in an unforgiving world
She knows one day there could be more

And that's why the wallpaper covers
The heavy iron door

SIMPLICITY DAY
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July 10, 2017
 

Its been some time and I'd just like to let my penpals know that I am doing great! 15 months sober and I've got (another) little one on the way! My daughter will be living with me full time VERY SOON and life is fantastic.  Can't wait for the next chapter. <3

SIMPLICITY DAY
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March 27, 2016
 

"Ridges"
     
  
An excerpt



I SHOW HER  
WHAT I'VE LEARNED IN THE 2 SUMMERS

since I met her

TO PROVE THAT I HAVE LIVED UP TO ALL SHE'S HEARD  AND GREATER


SO JUST AS MUCH AS I AM A TRICKSTER

I AM EQUALLY NOT A FIBBER
   


I show her my flick, my flicker,

this is MY wrist, miss, and it's quicker
   

Tina's

TWIST TWIST TWIST

BECOMES MY NEXT BEST TRICK

RIGHT BEFORE HER EYES
                                             (TWIST TWIST TWIST)
   
IS THE ONE AND ONLY
   
For once and all of eternity

could it be worth more than this shit

or should it?
   

THIS IS LIFE
  
and the truth in our lies

WITHOUT IT DOOMED

HAVE Y...

ORIGINAL
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March 11, 2017
 

I had to fight for my life in order to survive.

Now that I no longer need to survive,

I must find a new way to live -
                                                 a way to feel alive

ORIGINAL
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March 8, 2017
 

"NOT PERMITTED"

IN THE BEGINNING
When life meant MORE
We grew up kinda happy
Even if we were kinda poor

When enemies tried to bring US DOWN
We rose up with jeweled crowns
Wearing them on upside down frowns

IT WAS THEM DAMN DEMONS IN THE END
Who taught us how to play pretend
PLAYING BEST, your very best friend
As a winner after all was said a done,
Just made you even more of a sinner

As good as DEAD AS GONE
We did not JUST stand for one
But for two who could not repeat love songs
Nor would it ever last for long


-DOAMH

ORIGINAL
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March 8, 2017
 

"WIRELESS DEVICES"

I can't hide the fact that I can
Become number than numb
It's a feeling I've just let overcome
And I know exactly what from
It's written all over these pages-
Within who I am supposed to be
(Purely wishes, a fantasy!)
I get caught up in so many things
That I forget humans have emotions
True feelings
I'm just so high almost all of the time
I fail to realize these frames of minds

So don't hate me if I sometimes take your love for granted
I do know the value of a dollar...
I simply get carried away with the stuff I've always wanted
I won't always hear all the things you say
Most likely I'll forget memories from just yesterday

These things shouldn't hol...

ORIGINAL
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March 8, 2017
 

Going to be putting in some serious effort to post more!

Hurray for Hollywood
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February 19, 2017
 




SOME DAYS,  it's not easy to look at the past
and realize HOW MUCH TIME has passed
I often thinking about the times we laughed
shared in a moment, GONE TOO FAST
YOUR DYING BREATH i hoped wasn't your last

some days, i still wonder if I'M AS INNOCENT AS
they really say i am; i guess we all crash
FALL, BURN; i need to DETACH
but i still FEEL LIKE a PIECE OF trash
and i'm so sorry man
I DIDN'T know you were going TO DIE
if i did, i would GO back
to change the EVENTS of that night
that ULTIMATELY led to your death -
my biggest regret

each day, it HURTS to think about the PAST
ALMOST 2 years has passed
man, TIME sure does fly by fast
your DYING BREATH, i wished WAS...

GOLD TRIM
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December 25, 2016
 

I'm on the other side of the bathroom door
Listening to my family laugh and more
This time they sound like happy cries
And I'm not worried about the voices
Because for once, I'm not getting high
Today I reflect on my life choices
The reason I'm here, enjoying some freedom
It's Christmas eve, and I'm not going to lie
I'm so glad I gave up chasing that high
Tomorrow, when I see my family's faces
Delighted with joy, heavens oasis
I'll smile and feel like for once
I'm doing something right
It's Christmas day, and I remember why
I'm not behind this bathroom door
Just to get high.

-DOAMH

GOLD TRIM
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September 4, 2016
 

She's changed since she was a baby
Now a toddler and I can tell she isn't happy
My selfishness always getting in the way
Always disappearing for days and days
My little girl, I've changed but please don't throw me away

I guess you have been wondering where mommy goes
Before I am able to kiss you goodnight
Already off into the night
And grandma has locked the doors

You know, I remember what it was like to be a mother
Being the single provider
It started with the booze and my desire to prove my self worth
Ending in a place that made me hate myself even worse
I just wanted my own happiness
The things I thought I did deserve

So there I camehttps://lettrs.com/official_theme...

FORTIFIED
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September 4, 2016
 

"Ridges"
     
  
An excerpt



I SHOW HER  
WHAT I'VE LEARNED IN JUST THE 2 SUMMERS

since I met her

TO PROVE THAT I HAVE LIVED UP TO ALL SHE'S HEARD  AND GREATER


SO JUST AS MUCH AS I AM A TRICKSTER

I AM EQUALLY NOT A FIBBER
   


So I show her my flick, my flicker,

this is MY wrist, miss, and it's quicker
   

Tina's

TWIST TWIST TWIST

BECOMES MY NEXT BEST TRICK

RIGHT BEFORE HER EYES
                                                TWIST..
                                                                TWIST...
                                                                                TWIST....



-DOAMH

ORIGINAL
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July 30, 2016
Edmonton, Canada

'COUNTY'

I've been talking about this old me
Like it's still the person I'm supposed to be
'Cause all I do see
Is who I have been
And not who I could be
If I were...
                    ....me

FORTIFIED
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July 30, 2016
Edmonton, Canada

TO THE WOMAN I MEANT TO BE

I heard you were looking for me
If it had been at all clear to see
That you were trying so hard to be free
There I would have been
I am sorry, me
I am sorry I was not there
Instead playing hide and seek
I know now that it was not fair
And you shouldn't have had to look far but near
I just wasn't in a state to care
I am sorry, me
To the person you had to be in defeat
So please you
You are no longer who I want me to be
I am sorry, me

Though if you seek
I will be there
I will be here
I will care
And I will do what I need to
To be me

The woman I meant to be

-DIARY OF A METHHEAD

WIN $500
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July 30, 2016
Edmonton, Canada

Posting right away!

WIN $500
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February 7, 2015
 

I swear I never wanted to become this person. Engulfed by anger, so easily did I pick up the pace, learning quickly when and if to play fight or flight. I would scream bloody murder when it came down to who hurt who the most. Your ego or my self esteem, it didn’t matter where we stabbed. In the end, all of it lie 6 feet under, destroyed by selfish behavior. Blackened by jealously, my need to control meant drilling you with every possible guilt trip in the book as if it could make you stay. But you would. Every time. It was painful to admit yet so obvious to the crowd - love did not just blind me. No, love also controlled me. Oh, but baby, it controlled you too. Was it love? Honestly? Although...

ORIGINAL
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March 4, 2016
 

    
     
You haven’t told me you loved me in over 46 days
   
I’m running out of space and I’m leaving this place
   
It just reminds me so much of your elegant face
    
The bitterness and how I’ve forgotten your taste
   
Baby it’s two way lanes but you arrived too late
   
This is the way we weigh just how to say goodbye

I'll never be the same you've change me deep inside
   
So say goodbye, baby
  
The train and I depart come 2:30

-DOAMH

ORIGINAL
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June 17, 2016
 

It's been a while guys! But I've completed treatment and am 50 days sober today. Can't wait to get back to life and writing.

Miss you guys!

Talk soon.

ORIGINAL
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April 24, 2016
 

It's  been a while guys, feels like forever honestly. I hope to have something posted in the next few days. In the mean time, anybody have any artistic  skills , perhaps for lettering and such?

Thumb_signature_1461489035
LETTRS CHALK
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April 5, 2016
 

any questions from my readers? been sort of curious to see what you guys have to say.

   please note: lettrs addressed only to me are private, and will remain that way, always. if something is much too personal, don't post it for others to see.

happy writing!

-DOAmh

ORIGINAL
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March 3, 2016
 

I GAVE YOU THE WRONG piece of ME
    
IT was and STILL IS

Not YOURS TO KEEP
   
Mother SAW ME WEEP

She TOO fell on her knees
  
Then spoke SO SOFTLY
  
Her hands PLACED ON my cheeks
  
She said, "Baby this is not DEFEAT"

And she PULLED ME TO MY FEET
  
BRUSHED OFF the DIRT AND LEAF
  
"DON'T give him what he seeks. Never SHOW that YOU ARE WEAK."
   
"YOU'LL NEVER BE his queen, poor men weren't ever KINGs."

  

  
-DOAMH

NEW
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March 24, 2016
 

"A DIARY ENTRY ADDRESSED TO MY BABY SISTER."
    
     
             If I were given one last chance to say anything to you right now, I would more than likely tell you to runaway. But first! I would need you to be across the room from me. It's got to be hazy, maybe a bit stuffy, and lastly, lurking in the air is a nasty cigarette stink - LACED WITH CRYSTAL METH - you will have not once looked impressed and later, for all the wrong reasons, this is what will feed my addiction, because with this pain, I've got yet another excuse. I know what you will be feeling.  Already I know you are beyond any word I could use to describe your disgust. I am ashamed. But it is shame that lights my pipe abla...

DARK AND STRIPED
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March 18, 2016
 

What happens when the dope kills you? What happens when you're still breathing physically to everyone on the outside, but on the inside, the ability to love, to forgive, to feel happiness, or joy is left with echoes of a loved ones calls... their voices straying unknowingly into an emotionally vacant blackness. A place so cold that only the smallest flick of a lighter stirs in these parts.. Only time would tell that these voices would not ever return to see such a bright sight. And the junkie from the Blue House who told us this has joined in 'cause he's the only one of us who's got that goddamn fucking flicker. His lips pucker as he snakes the pipe next and snickers. Meanwhile his small glor...

ORIGINAL
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March 4, 2016
 

"I'VE COME TO REALIZE THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME AND I SHOULD BE OK WITH THAT?"

BUT HEY!
  
I still get to fall in love with you
  
I can still choose to get my heart broken
   
You have all the power in the world to do so
   
But it will be I who gets the pleasure
  
Just to watch you crumble
   
How come you’re everything I want
  
Everything I’ve dreamed of
  
How I've been piecing you together one by one
  
To find its become habit for you to keep secrets too
  
And it's becoming too frequent you're inconsistent

Daddy always said to be consistent!
   
  
    
So as I held my hand up to the sun today and looked up into the sky
   
He says to me it reminds him of my bright blue ey...

ORIGINAL
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March 3, 2016
 

Hey guys

Things keep popping up every time i sit down.

Thanks for your patience!

   
   

  

With love

-DOAMH

ORIGINAL
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March 3, 2016
 

Will be posting new stuff soon.

With love,

-DOAMH

ORIGINAL
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February 23, 2016
 

Have you seen me in the mirror lately?

Unlikely since my reflection has been in hiding
NO, that lady making faces is not me!
You wouldn't ever catch me
Without the cover of darkness
                                             (can't you tell by how pale my skin is?)
Whoever is in the mirror
Well she is totally fucking tweaked
                                                               (right out of this fucking world)
      
     
I heard from the guy handing out test baggies
That the government is calling this new drug

          "Methamphetimines"
    
                                                  BETCHA YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT
                             ...

ORIGINAL
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February 21, 2016
 

I wish I could change your mind
Revenge isn’t the answer
You’re hurting me
You’re hurting her
You’re not the same man
That stood at my bedside
Even after being cursed out
When you thought you could throw a fit
And get some attention
While I was 7cms dilated
You held my hand
Tickled my leg
Pulled my hair back
Watched a room full of women
Stare at my naked *ss
The beads of sweat that ran down my face
You made them go away with your bare hands
Wiping it off on your pants
And continuing to count
You amazed me
“7,8,9,10!”
“Good job baby, you’re doing great.”
You told me every time
“Push harder!”
Now you were excited
Grabbing my hand you hollered at me
“I see her head! She...

ORIGINAL
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February 21, 2016
 

Have you seen me in the mirror lately?
Unlikely since my reflection has been in hiding
NO, that lady behind me is not me!
You wouldn't ever catch catch me
Without the cover of darkness
Or something to conceal my paleness
Whoever is in the mirror
Well she is totally fucking tweaked

I heard from the guy handing out test baggies
That the government is calling this new drug

"Methamphetimines"

BETCHA YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT
ONLY THE GUY ON THE CORNER OF 5th STREET
HAS THE GOOD SHIT

So smoke A LOT or snort a little
We come full circle
To go round again
For just one more hit
I swear I need just one more hit

-BUT SUDDENLY-

WE WERE ALL ADDICTED
PRETENDING LIKE NOTHING COULD BE THIS ...

ORIGINAL
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February 21, 2016
 

CRYING Over NOTHING
   
WEEPING over SOMETHING

                                                           NO LONGER SURE I FEEL ANYTHING

                                                                                                                                          (maybe..?)

NOTHING.

                           A series of unfortunate events
                       And a dangerous game of pretend
                                        In just too deep
                       Far beyond the surface of my head

    STILL
       
                 (all I feel is)

                                            nothing.  

                                            ...

ORIGINAL
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December 27, 2015
 

"Cozy"

For days on end 
I’ve stood staring back 
At just what I have become
I wonder where reflections go when they see the cruel intent
But I'm stuck on who exactly this is fucking looking at me
I guess I never really thought to ask
Though for the way she chose this of all evil to befriend
I know damn well she's got on some kind of mask

They say her name
I swear I've heard it some place

They say it
Again

Her name is...

Me?

I have created 

             (This)
                    (is)
                        (Me)

I am what my demons say is

My own worst enemy

ORIGINAL
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