|Some hobbies are liberating.. Writing and reading are definitely some of those.|
What if you never left, but were always around, Your kind eyes expressing comfort words to me,
Your wits leaving me mesmerised in awe,
My heart beating with every pause
Of your words and smile,
What if we were
In Love and
Walk by my side, hold me in your arm
I desire only your touch,love and charm.
Tell me, my love, oh now I pray
Will you to be there, Stay,
Like the dawn's first ray.
Draw from my hair
That shy hay,
Deep and dark
Are those remarks,
On every soul
Pursuing life goal,
Those critics of desire,
And ridicule of the dream,
Coz every thing can cast
A shadow, on our heart!
Known or unknown,
Life gets blown,
Like that fallen leaf
Looking for relief
Amidst the torrents
Flying in currents,
Coz everyone casts
A shadow, although past!
Birds chirp, trees sway,
Nature blows your mind away,
When seeking shelter
We go to her,
And she loves, she cares
Drives away or scares,
She birth over the course,
Coz after all, they all cast
Note: Picture the three times from your past -
-mockery that moved you,
-those who influence your life,
"I'll always be there when you need someone."
When ever she was in tears, her mind repeated those words. She pacified herself, 'it's not what he would have wanted'.
He wasn't one of those to handle tears. In fact, he couldn't handle hugs from he too. He wanted to, his face said it all, but he would look at the floor and shake in head saying 'no, hugs', he could do better!
One day, he finally tried to tell her, but his throat lost words, he was emotional, just seeing her weep in silence. She didn't talk, cry or complain, the tears just rolled off her eyes, speaking for themselves.
She demanded, 'can I get a hug now atleast? You're going away. It could be our last.'
He obediently came over...
"He doesn't talk much. No one knows what he is thinking. Probably not enjoying our company maybe"
"It's not like that."
She smiled and looked up at him. He stole a glance at her, trying to ignore her. She laughed to herself and shook her head, glazing at her own drink now.
She knew him. She knew he was happy in his comfort zone. Silent, observing, resilient and gentle. Enjoying his moment with his college mates and her. She knew he was enjoying his wine and the old conversations of a huge, silly group.
She knew he was there for her. He would never get to express, but he was happy around them and her. He knew how much of the wine was enough for her, she knew how much of the...
Ohh! The memories
And the pain
Like little fairies
To soar, to fly,
To entice and try
To make you slave
Of nothing but the light.
Make you wonder
Stand in amaze
Tease like fire
Heat and blaze.
Fire of desire,
Wishing you go back,
To those memories,
Knowing Pain is their sire!
My parents have always been confident of my problem solving skills, and ability to grasp details and memorize information. There has been this incident, which made them very proud.
When I was three, we used to live in a defence colony, comprising of over 15-20 tall buildings with 10-12 floors each. Mum would home tutor me making me learn numbers or letters or even my residential flat number and address, just to push my mind into grasping information before I was admitted in to a playschool.
One fateful evening, my parents decide to visit a friend who lived a few buildings away in that concrete jungle. When we were about to return, they were talking among themsel...
As I looked at the stars, I recollected the time when we were standing by the window, sipping our wine and.....
"You know he loves you. More than you can ever imagine. He literally worships you, we all can see it in his eyes", he said.
"But........ he is not the......... one I can completely.......... love back, the way he loves me. I am sorry but.......... I got into the marriage only........ only because he loved me for me.......... and my own heart was....... too broken to heal.
I didn't want him....... to suffer like me. I only surrendered to the perfect love story he spinned around me.", I turned away, looking at the stars and hiding those tiny specks of tears building up in my eyes...
What do you do, when you see that face and pretend everything is alright, not 'coz you are scared to hurt him /her but 'coz you had enough of the drama already!?
What do you do, when you try to forgive someone, not 'coz you want to, but 'coz you have to!?
Aloud in my head.
We would talk,
And softly tread.
Our magic bound,
From before we met.
While you gasped.
As I fell,
You promptly clasped.
I was high,
High in the sky.
You held me firm,
Not letting me cry.
My tears would hurt,
Not me as much.
I found you lost,
As if touched.
I kept you in heart,
And arms that night.
Of keeping myself alright.
A smile is all it takes, to make or break my heart,
I can read those eyes, and that scares me out.
I'm exploring your moods, it disturbs me too,
Life was supposed to be simple, I wished it came with a book or to-do.
I'm taking steps back from you, I'm taking my heart back,
It's not that I don't love you,
I don't like you like that.
A smile is all it takes, to make or break a heart,
Let's begin this game of pretense, I think I can learn this art!!
I tried...!!! Trust me, I do!!
I tried talking to him..
Being ridiculed and disapproved, I called for it..
He glorified his struggles so well, questioning mine..
I tried talking to him..
I promised I'll make it work, I need to..
He defended himself, and called me the fault in several ways..
I tried talking to him...
I broke in tears, I tried not to..
He questioned my contribution to the relationship, saying I should have never walked into it..
I tried talking to him..
I tried to show that he is a hypocrite, I made the mistake..
He proudly and smartly turned the words on me..
I tried talking to him..
I was suffocating and I admitted that I was not emotionally connected to him anymore....
We have a different kind of relationship. The one that everybody including you, judges.
The one that people might call immoral, we call friendship, but deep within, it's something we both don't know.
Every day, I try to be in touch; either I embaress myself or get flattered by you.
Every day, I think of you; decide to let you go, but you somehow try and pull me back.
Every day, I think I understand a little more of you; then, you do something that pushes me away and back to the starting point.
Every day, I think you love me; you ignore my existence and break my heart.
Every day, I realise I love you; I push the thought away and cry.
Have you ever thought about me!?
We were awake late night,
With the rising light.
Things we talked,
While others watched.
Drinks kept flowing,
The sun began glowing.
Your silent eyes on watch,
Like I was some match.
Your gestures unnoticed,
Enough for a girl to be enticed.
We never gave it a thought,
But, of course, we never fought.
I could be whatever I wished,
Danced, jumped and twirled.
You would watch always,
Never disclosing your ways.
But, now have you ever thought about me?
You said you would leave,
Until it happened, we could not believe.
No one knew were packing,
Until I asked what was cooking.
Everyone who cared were away,
You always want to feel stray.
You were more t...
'Tomorrow I'm working.. dunno wen I'll be back from office.. will see if timings match.. thanks for offering though.. will let u kno"
Brain: uhhh... Why would you do that!?
Heart: You wanted this so badly... Why would you ruin it?
Me: Leave me be!
Brain: you need to spill the beans to someone...
Heart: better him than anyone else... You trust him so much, and he promised he will come around, this shows his love...
Me: *clenching teeth* I don't want to be a charity case..
Brain: you're not ok! You need a counsellor..
Heart: you're not ok! You need a loved one like him..
Me: *yawns* I'm shutting myself out. *Dozes off to sleep*
I often wondered, if it was normal or justified to be:
- vocal about what you felt about something/someone!?
I'm not sure if being vocal adds to you to the list of 'troublemakers' in the classroom or 'ill-mannered' in-law or the 'bold' girl who never gives up or 'outspoken' hag who turned down a guy for a date!
- not vocal about what you feel about something/ someone?
Again, not being vocal, makes you a 'charity case' victim, or an 'obedient' wife, a 'loyal' friend who fell in love, or a 'loser' who brought down the whole team for not sharing her apprehensions.
Either way, we are constantly being judged, tormented; or worse, suffering in silence (non vocal) or nagging (vocal) often.
She closed her eyes and felt her body ease. Her muscles relaxed and her brow no longer creased.
She turned away, trying to fall asleep. Her body was aching, but her mind refused to sleep.
She felt a weird frustration building in her, but she was too exhausted to give into it.
It's not easy to run it all, fake it all, pretend to be ok. He was too patriarchy and a hypocritic, and she fell prey to his feminist talks.
She felt suffocated and was tempted to look away, but looking away will only cause her to betray.
She wanted to betray, she wanted to hurt, she wanted to expose the man only she knew existed.
He was very good with words and charmed his way into her life; now she knew she was ch...
"It's been three months, and yet, I seem to have tried everything in vain.."
She was fighting back her tears, trying to type an SMS.
"I have never felt more lonely. So hollow.."
Her heart sank with every word that she typed.
'I don't expect you to understand, but I really want to hold onto you and pour out the grief of my heart to you. If only you could understand what I meant, but I understand that you won't and I don't mind that.'
"You're thinking too much, you have so many people around you", he said.
"Can't be truly vocal around them, can I!?"
She closed her eyes and tried to focus. She isolated herself from the voices around her. She was having a long day, and she needed him to comfort her. She wanted to talk to him, but the distance between them was fathomless.
There was peace in her head, her breathing was slow and steady. She saw him at last, he walked upto her, smiling.
A light radiating from him, she couldn't look up to him directly. She whispered, 'I needed to get away for a while.' He said, 'I know.'
They spoke of the stars in the sky, the flowers blooming around them, the musical notes of a bird chirping. She felt as light as a feather, she looked at him, as if trying to put in words the question in her head. He shook his ...
Three years ago he gave his word to her. Oh how many things have changed since then.
As he pulls up on the driveway, she gets ready for a difficult conversation. She sits down in the chair and waits for him to walk in.... and gets lost in a trail of memories.
That mesmerizing weekend by the sea. Salty breeze blowing on her face. She had planned a solo trip to Goa. She needed some time off to process everything that happened over the past few weeks. She had found her man in bed with another woman, when she returned home early one evening.
The last time she was there, it was on her first wedding anniversary. Those were different times. As she walked past the window of a cafe, she heard a voic...
She walked up to her partner, and stood beside him while he was cooking. She mumbled, 'We need to talk about something that happened, and I'm not ok ever since.'
He responded, 'Go on, I'm listening.'
She briefed him the whole incident in a breath, then looked up to him for some reaction.
He casually looked at her and said with a smile, 'It was your fault. He thought you were available after a couple of drinks. He was trying his hand on impressing you by accompanying you to the concert and assumed you would be fine with him groping you all over, just because you were easy going and liberal in your attitude.'
She was crestfallen. It cannot be. This was not what her man would you expected to sa...
It would seem twisted that her loneliness always made her look up to her confidant, seeking for the right words.
Someone she knew would never judge her. Someone who just knew what would pacify her. Someone who loved her inspite of she being a crazy mess, and showered his adoration in his own unpredictable ways.
Someone who looked at her with all the love of his heart, and always made her feel protected. Someone who read her soul like an open book. Someone who wasn't her partner, but someone she revered and loved nonetheless.
She found courage to tell him what happened, looking for a hint if it was a good idea to mention it to her partner, who was by all social norms, her family. But he was...
She came home, to a piercing pain in her ankle and a heavy suffocation in her chest. She was too exhausted to think, but the whole evening stared back at her.
All the screaming at the concert, made her throat hurt, and her voice was reduced to a mumble, and she reasoned her exhaustion to be the result of the concert. She assumed the next morning would be as normal as any other morning.
At the crack of the dawn, she woke up startled when her partner's hand felt on her in sleep. She choked on her gasp and looked around to recollect that she was home, in her safe haven. She couldn't sleep, she was haunted by her thoughts. Those thoughts of the offender.
A week went by, with her voice all choked ...
The stranger standing next to her was protecting another girl, it gave her a gentle warmth in the cold weather, which was slowly wearing her out. She would trip over that stranger, jostled by the Magician's fans, and she found an ally him.
But, who would save her?
Who would read her mind?
She looked for some familiar face around, who would give her assurance that it was ok and she would be safe, but her hopes were slowly failing her.
She had given in to his groping and molestation. It was after all just her body that he desired, she couldn't loose her mind and soul over it. The flame in her heart was slowly flickering out, and her strength giving away. She was exhausted, confused and just wa...