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chucky azarati rh...

PO# 642227
United States
United States
i'm a 39 year old queer who suffers from depression, social anxiety, and bipolar 1 disorder. i live in san antonio, tx where i was born and raised.
April 18, 2019
 

The Estrangement Of The Mentally Ill

he paced back and forth with a sweater two sizes too big and wore jeans that had been passed down since the sixties. his hands were shoved in his pockets so forcefully that they hung just below his hips. a nurse sat at the station where she could overlook all the loonies. the door swung open and all eyes were on the newly admitted patient. she took a seat far from everyone else, as if somehow she would perish in the corner. he desperately tried not to glance in her direction, but soon found himself sitting in the seat next to her. at the beginning, he just sat there fidgeting. after a few mental conversations, he built up the courage to make eye contact....

HOPE BATEMAN
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April 18, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Day He Died,

i don’t remember if there were dogs barking, birds chirping, or how hot it was outside. all i remember is my world slowly toppling over as i went from worried to trembling with terror. i have never again felt that agonizing sensation that flooded through every pore causing such chills, that momentarily i thought i was dead with him. the mind has ways to protect us from certain pains. my brain thought it best to stop functioning. i returned to kindergarten grammar and even started throwing a tantrum. had it not been for my parents calling for me to open the door, i probably would have continued to react in the infantile manner. each step i took seemed to last an eternity. i...

MAKE IDEAS HAPPEN
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April 18, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Strange New Me,

nothing was the same but i guess change was inevitable. i felt like i was the same but i knew that wasn't true. i had isolated myself for so long that i wasn't even a blurred reflection of the person you knew. i would be so much more if i hadn't screwed up...and i'm talking about the first mistake i ever made. if only i could remember the moment it all went wrong then i could move on, or perhaps i just tell myself that. i lay in bed and try to sleep. thoughts racing through so fast i can't remember what i was just thinking. she lays next to me but she no longer has feelings for me. i long for closeness but she turns her back. i ignore her ingenious form of cruelty and p...

INTO THE UNIVERSE
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April 18, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Best Friend,

our friendship is like no other, in the cold you are my cover, we create worlds with our art, and live in them when we're apart, you are my cushion when i fall, when i'm in trouble you're my only call, without you in my life i'd be alone, your company always feels like home

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POOJA WAHANE SUBMISSION
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April 17, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dream On
on the last day of high school, my english teacher asked me to wait outside of class. she assigned a quiz to the rest of the students but joined me in the hall for the remainder of the hour. we sat on the bench that was adjacent to the library. at first, we just sat there, no words, no movement...just sat in silence. i thought about my first day and how she smiled at me as if she knew me. perhaps we were acquainted in another time in a far off land...someplace, where the age gap was insignificant to us. we existed solely to compliment each other...not to satisfy social norms. this all raced through my head. then she placed her hand on the bench next to my leg. instantly, her moveme...

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW
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April 17, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Music...We Are Nothing
the sound exploded in my ears and then found its way into my chest. the melody was one i would grow to love. i was only 6 years old but i felt the music rush through my veins and numb my thoughts. it was a palpable little beat but it soared across the room and pierced my heart. i never felt alone when billy joel was serenading me. i remember watching his music video and wanting to be as cool as he was or at least one of the dancers. who was i kidding...i couldn't do it even if i had the chance because i was too embarrassed to dance in front of anyone but when i was alone i would dance as much as i could. sometimes my aunt would babysit us and she'd play all the records...

SLAPPIN' THE BASE
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Love,

i’m writing to the world…i don’t remember much but i do remember this…i want to dance and i fucking miss having friends. but most importantly…i miss you my love…i miss you everyday of my life and i miss you every time that i cry. i still feel your lips kissing my neck ever so gently. no one will ever replace you. i wish you all the happiness in the world. i'll keep dreaming that you'll come make love to me.

eternally yours,
chucky azarati rhesus

JE T'AIME
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Erratic Mentation
i never want to sleep until final rest arrives at my door, knocking like solicitors advertising the meaning of life and the word or christ and his beliefs. this is just practice for when i'm ready. every ounce of creativity is being sucked from my inner being. i can no longer write. i am no longer right. dark feelings of misery and pain begin to emerge from places long forgotten and i question why they even exist. were they dormant in the infant that used to smile at the world? were they passed on by my co-author? if so, did he know what he was contributing? did he inherit it from his mother or father? has the entire family tree been poisoned? bearing nothing but rotten fru...

THE SUN
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Tormented With Ambiguity
morning is here but the sun isn’t out yet. i gasp for air and reach for my journal to quickly write down my dreams, before i forget. last night i couldn’t sleep. shadowy delusions were chasing me. i sought shelter in an abandoned building but every flight of stairs offered new phantoms. when i closed my eyes i woke to another frightening illusion. i was powerless to these dark visions but i continued to outrun them. i told myself to get up and stop these nightmares at once, but i couldn’t. the further i ran, the more daunting each hallucination grew. i couldn’t see who i was so afraid of but the fear was so intense that i had to keep moving. my legs stopped working ...

THE ORBIT STAMP
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

LIVING A DREAM I NEVER HAD

i woke up to a dark room i didn't recognize. i felt immediately that i was going to be attacked. i was shaking from fear and my heart was pounding in surround sound. as my eyes were adjusting to the obsidian room, i scurried to my feet and blindly searched for the door. as i found the knob i felt someone standing behind me. i quickly swung the door open and just as the light entered the room...i woke up, again. this time i was safe in bed. i was about 5 or 6 when i first had this dream and i've had it repeatedly over the years. tony (my brother) was about 6 or 7 and i remember thinking, as i sat there in bed, that if i could just see his face that i would be ok. ...

STAY TRUE, BE ORIGINAL, BE YOU
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Ink Liberator

tonight is thursday jan 5. we are at amp room, a local establishment in the city. although, it feels good to be out and about, i can't shake the feeling of wanting to retreat into my room. i'm suddenly hit with this overwhelming need to sit and write. i always have a journal for this sort of thing. quickly, i race to a cozy corner at the end of the bar. it's like i could hear the ink calling at me to release it from the barrel that imprisons it. all my ideas have been thoughts and no thought is completely original. to be comprehensively original is to be an absolute mess. i'm somewhat of a mess but not in the brilliant way that would start a movement, like my hero jack kerou...

WORLD PEACE
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Me,

this is a journal entry from 10 years ago. you've come a long way.

Drunk Expectations
the stairs were littered with old mail and chipped paint. every step was independently fragile. you could hear the boards rattle when walking the desolate staircase. i, drunkenly, tiptoed up the feeble and ill-maintained flight of stairs. at the top i fell to the ground and instantly lost consciousness. i woke to find my neighbor dragging me down the hall and closer to my apartment. she knew my drinking habits occasionally caused me to collapse and she didn't want the other tenants to alert management of my vagrant-like appearance. we didn't speak much to each other but there was a mutual res...

NOT STIRRED
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

For All The Ladies.

HER HEART IS ART

her heart held more tears than a sky holds stars
her heart fought harder than drunks in bars
her heart took more beatings than a boxer has scars
her heart beat faster than dale earnhardt raced cars
her heart drowned in sorrow deep as ocean floors
her heart pounded harder than knockers on doors
her heart loved more than his friday night whore
her heart felt more pain than that burnout with no score
her heart was a legend before he was even born
her heart beat better than miles davis’s horn
her heart gets used like a jacket gets worn
her heart pierced his hand like a rose’s thorn
her heart has more fury than a woman’s scorn

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TINY QUEEN
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Creatures,

The Best Memories Are Hidden In Dreams

welcome to the dreams you don't see. have no worries. you were mean to connect to our world. hello. sleep no more. goodbye. sleep like a baby starts the season. stop, look and listen. first there was what it is. half the story. real life for a day. next up? remembering the other side of reality. wild magic. which side will you choose? a long way from let's do lunch. getting up. going places. grasping the future. everything we do. growing a view. just a little make believe in mind. here we go! your chance. today's your day to shine on. we are where this is...you are not alone. never panic. you have the power to touch the future and cr...

THE KISS
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

The Stranger I Haven't Met
what is there to say? all my words are stuck in my esophagus and all i can think about is how loud my neighbors are being. i tremble with hostility and hearing their laughter infuriates me. i used to be like them, once upon a time, drinking and laughing. now i'm nothing more than a troglodyte bitterly sneering in their direction. just a few drinks ago they were talking about fighting and being filled with rage, now they stumble about and pour their hearts' out like coffee filling the many mugs on a lazy sunday morning. heartache is a son of a bitch...it brings statuesque and heroic men to their knees and turns elegant and beautiful woman into vicious gorgons. that ...

NEVER GIVE UP
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April 16, 2019
 

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

love, there isn't such a thing, it's just a dream. a fictional character in a children's book, one you wish meet. sometimes you think it's in front of you but when you least expect it...it sneaks up on you. then it knocks you down, pushes your face into the ground, and kicks dirt in your eyes. as it's walking away with a smirk on it's face, it lets out a laugh. a mean little devil i wish i never met...love is just that.

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CALVIN & HOBS
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

The Amputated Hands of Time
wisdom isn't something that everyone experiences. we all strive for those moments when life seems to be the way it should be. some of us live in the past and we are not aware of it. i have spent my whole life in the past. i'm not who i was but i am remembering more and more about myself. when tony died, i died with him. it is crazy how i've missed so much of my life. when i close my eyes i can see the room but it doesn't seem real. i told my therapist that i didn't know if this is reality or just a long dream. if this is a dream then why is yesterday so long ago? when i put my hands together i see smile. i'm experiencing so much right now and i see the shadows tha...

ZEESHAN MOMIN
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April 16, 2019
 

DEAR EVERYONE,

it’s me, chucky, writing unforgettable unstoppable letters. putting a few romantic moments in your heard. i am the chapter in a book, waiting for the thing you can’t buy. the love that we love to meet. i lived a great modern romance for years. think you know what makes us different? we’re just emotions playing hide-and-seek. you’re the best form of inspiration. it’s like you’re always exploding with the most brilliant stories for the heart. what kind of lover do you love? i’m starting to miss the passion inspired by a simple classic crush. it’s going to be morning now. our dream has the true answer. the dead voice of GOD often says nothing else. my best friend makes me laugh...

INTO THE GALAXY
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Bachelors/Bachelorettes,

THERE ARE NO FISH LEFT IN THE SEA

i'm hitting the single life the way one should...one night stands here and there but i've realized that the only reason they are one night stands is because the majority of these women are just looking for that lesbian fling they forgot to take advantage of in college. so i'm doing my duties as a very honored member of the lesbian/queer community. the sad thing is as much as i should be enjoying it...i'm not. i leave without even saying the lame one linter "i'll call you" because they don't want to hear that and i sure as hell don't want to say it. don't get me wrong, all woman have a certain appeal, but i don't know them lo...

FRIENDS
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April 16, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dear Youths,

when life doesn't suit you...wear jeans.

to be a teen in the 90s was very liberating, well for most kids it was.  no matter what music you listened to or what clothes you wore you were considered alternative. i mean there were guys with long hair having lunch with ghetto thugs who had neck tattoos. then you had cheerleaders that were coloring their hair purple and wearing baggy pants while kids became popular for being able to maneuver a string from their nose through their mouth for no other reason but attention, when in fact just 2 years prior those same kids were being teased for doing the aforementioned act that was now making them popular. music was just as liberal as ...

LOVE IT
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

my eyes will only work when i'm dreaming, which means i'm in another world. i'm actually blind in when i'm completely me. so when i wake up able to see i know that i'm not the same me. no one believes me that i've traveled through time. i've lived many lifetimes and met many kinds of beings. there is even a world where language is as useful as a flea on a banana. we have the ability to live within our dreams but we are sometimes locked out of our happiest world to keep us under control. i woke up today like any other day but a part of me remembered the visions that haven't happened yet. i'm not sure if all is already lost and i'm just dreaming this and this is just a memory or if i still ha...

ENDLESS STARS
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

Dark Skies In The Afternoon

i crawled into my bed and let my conscience be my guide but i was misled because i'm still lost. you see, my future was in the palm of my hand. so i balled up my fists and tried to squeeze it to death but i failed miserably. i've been so obsessed with being depressed that i willingly bathe in the sea of darkness and negativity. there's a void in my chest that measures galaxies wide and everyday i wake wishing i wasn't alive. 

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DREAMS
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

every night i lay down and close my eyes wishing that i won't wake up. the false sanity drugs no longer work and maybe they never did. sometimes i stay up for a few days so i don't have nightmares. they are so realistic that when i do wake up, i momentarily believe that what happened on May 19, 1999 was an elaborate setup by the authorities to catch criminals. my brother didn't die. he's still alive and in witness protection. once in a while, he's allowed to visit one person, and he always visits me. it feels so good to see him smile and laugh. i don't remember his voice. all of this happens in less than a minute. although i enjoy seeing him while i sleep when i wake up i look around and no...

FACE TO FACE
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

an unplanned expedition and too many mental agitations. nothing feels right because everything is no more. all i feel is not real. maybe taking those extra sleeping pills is keeping me in this unknown state. it is all a mystery. i can hear my mother telling me she's proud of me. what is she so proud of? i have always fucked up. i was hardly a good kid and still she smiles when she sees me. i think she sees someone that doesn't exist or maybe she thinks i still have a chance to change. i’m not an educated or successful person. i have always been a failure and i’ve accomplished nothing and still she smiles when she sees me. when we were kids, she would tell us that we could be anything we wan...

PHOENIX
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

the sound of thunder is just a man dragging the trash can across street, tomorrow i will forget today so it doesn’t matter what i do or say, someone opened the doors to let the light in, while i was on the couch all night crying, i’ll pick up the pieces of my vague memories and watch as birds fly by in the cool gentle breeze, forgotten moments in the time that has passed, little things remind me of the darkened past, my memory is better than others’ because of the murder of my sweet brother, i knew the secret to life, or at least i thought i did, but it was so brief i forgot it again. so, it's the first time i've been out since my last incarceration. my friend asked me to join her at a venu...

MONKEY SONGS
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

the trek to your love begins before the existence of time. the flame of your passion ignites when you look into her eyes. slowly you melt with her into the darkness and the light. you engage in an explosion of ecstasy as your bodies strike. the fusion of your souls sends infinite love into flight. eternal beauty radiates past the sun’s rays and the moon’s light. a world emerges where love lives and never dies. a place where sorrow smiles and happiness cries.

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STAR EXPLODING
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April 15, 2019
 

Someone Else's World
i once had this feeling that the world was all fake...i thought i was dreaming, but i was wide awake.
8:05am morning arrives just as every other day. on my way to therapy, i stare out the window and see a man in a full-length coat. a very sophisticated looking man, who climbs into his car to go to work. he is lonely but he always has a smile on his face. his friends visit but not very often. he is usually the one that makes the effort to keep in contact with his family. the neighbors don’t know his name and he doesn’t know any of his neighbors. very few know how often he contemplates suicide. the one thing that gives his life meaning is his meticulously cared for garden...

GABRIEL MUCHIRI
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

it's been a couple of weeks without my medication. i am forced to return to the mental health facility to restart therapy and get my prescriptions renewed. my stomach aches. it has never been the same. the doctors all tell me that there's nothing physically wrong with me so maybe it's all in my head, or at least that's what they imply. the sounds in my stomach sound like they originated in the ocean. if this is where we are, where are we? i'm not one to complain if there's no one to hear my complaints...why am i here? is this just a waste of time? why do i constantly think they're watching me? they're just sitting and talking...i can't hear them and i have no intention of looking up at them...

MYSTERIOUS DOOR
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

today the paved roads that connect city to city and state to state are given less thought than the leaves on our lawns. i consider this while walking the short but insufferable distance to the once well populated park in the city and think...i was born too late. the eleventh-hour is silently making its way into my already darkened room. dreams of being a drifter have vanished and i'm left with only my memories. it isn't seen as adventurous to travel by foot across the country or to hop on a train...it's just seen as a cry for attention. a few decades ago there were so many youths crossing paths that you could smell the adolescence when driving through any given interstate. now the only trav...

MOVEMENT
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April 15, 2019
 

when was the last time you saw me? i'm not a junkie...i'm just extremely suicidal. all these months that have passed have felt like years...even decades. i fear i'll never see your face again and that kills me everyday. i don't know what i have to do to prove to you that you are the most important person in my life. i've watched my family die in a dream and still felt nothing because you weren't there. i felt your hands but couldn't see your face so i died a little inside.​ my voice is hoarse from all the screaming i've been doing. they all think i'm just being dramatic but the truth is that the secrets and lies of my family are killing me. my grandma understands but doesn't know how to expla...

THE KISS
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