chucky azarati rh...
|i'm a 39 year old queer who suffers from depression, social anxiety, and bipolar 1 disorder. i live in san antonio, tx where i was born and raised.|
i was once a great actor on an open stage, it kept me from being trapped in a mental rage, i played a king, i played a fool, i played a knight about to duel, every role i signed up for, opened up a whole new door, slay the dragon, win the prize, be the hero in her eyes, all for the lovely fee, of never having to play ME.
never before have i seen the present with MY eyes. it all makes sense. i'm not driving the car. i'm fighting myself for the wheel. i see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's blinding me. tomorrow is an unknown today. today was spawned by yesterday. the more i lose track of reality the better my writing gets. i'm not stuck anymore. just extremely confused by ancient memories. this life is not just a passing glimpse but a breathing moment in time. which me is your favorite? i never saw your face so many times. i love looking for new thoughts in the closet of my mind. disillusioned life with bundles of love, fall to the ground from the skies up above. i have a labyrinth of memories and a ...
the reaper came knocking and offered me a small peck but i was turned on so we made out and instead of the kiss of death...death gave me head, i roamed the streets alone while my mind listened to what the voices said...and when the sun came up i watched the cold night fuck the warm morning in the rosebed, sweet mist slipped down long stems while the petals wept upon the twisted ground that coveted the stoic dead, the prince of darkness kept me company while i lived completely depressed. before he left he gave me a chaste dame offering sweet sex. i ties her down, spread her legs, then performed the most deviant acts
through space and time we came to be...two intergalactic powerful beings...creating a world no one had ever seen...and without the existence of you and me...love is just a fantasy
Someone Else's World
i once had this feeling that the world was all fake...i thought i was dreaming, but i was wide awake.
8:05am morning arrives just as every other day. on my way to therapy, i stare out the window and see a man in a full-length coat. a very sophisticated looking man, who climbs into his car to go to work. he is lonely but he always has a smile on his face. his friends visit but not very often. he is usually the one that makes the effort to keep in contact with his family. the neighbors don’t know his name and he doesn’t know any of his neighbors. very few know how often he contemplates suicide. the one thing that gives his life meaning is his meticulously cared for garden...
i never want to sleep until final rest arrives at my door, knocking like solicitors advertising the meaning of life and the word or christ and his beliefs. this is just practice for when i'm ready. every ounce of creativity is being sucked from my inner being. i can no longer write. i am no longer right. dark feelings of misery and pain begin to emerge from places long forgotten and i question why they even exist. were they dormant in the infant that used to smile at the world? were they passed on by my co-author? if so, did he know what he was contributing? did he inherit it from his mother or father? has the entire family tree been poisoned? bearing nothing but rotten fru...
tonight is thursday jan 5. we are at amp room, a local establishment in the city. although, it feels good to be out and about, i can't shake the feeling of wanting to retreat into my room. i'm suddenly hit with this overwhelming need to sit and write. i always have a journal for this sort of thing. quickly, i race to a cozy corner at the end of the bar. it's like i could hear the ink calling at me to release it from the barrel that imprisons it. all my ideas have been thoughts and no thought is completely original. to be comprehensively original is to be an absolute mess. i'm somewhat of a mess but not in the brilliant way that would start a movement, like my hero jack kerou...
The Amputated Hands of Time
wisdom isn't something that everyone experiences. we all strive for those moments when life seems to be the way it should be. some of us live in the past and we are not aware of it. i have spent my whole life in the past. i'm not who i was but i am remembering more and more about myself. when tony died, i died with him. it is crazy how i've missed so much of my life. when i close my eyes i can see the room but it doesn't seem real. i told my therapist that i didn't know if this is reality or just a long dream. if this is a dream then why is yesterday so long ago? when i put my hands together i see smile. i'm experiencing so much right now and i see the shadows tha...
Dark Skies In The Afternoon
i crawled into my bed and let my conscience be my guide but i was misled because i'm still lost. you see, my future was in the palm of my hand. so i balled up my fists and tried to squeeze it to death but i failed miserably. i've been so obsessed with being depressed that i willingly bathe in the sea of darkness and negativity. there's a void in my chest that measures galaxies wide and everyday i wake wishing i wasn't alive.
it’s me, chucky, writing unforgettable unstoppable letters. putting a few romantic moments in your heard. i am the chapter in a book, waiting for the thing you can’t buy. the love that we love to meet. i lived a great modern romance for years. think you know what makes us different? we’re just emotions playing hide-and-seek. you’re the best form of inspiration. it’s like you’re always exploding with the most brilliant stories for the heart. what kind of lover do you love? i’m starting to miss the passion inspired by a simple classic crush. it’s going to be morning now. our dream has the true answer. the dead voice of GOD often says nothing else. my best friend makes me laugh...
Dear Day He Died,
i don’t remember if there were dogs barking, birds chirping, or how hot it was outside. all i remember is my world slowly toppling over as i went from worried to trembling with terror. i have never again felt that agonizing sensation that flooded through every pore causing such chills, that momentarily i thought i was dead with him. the mind has ways to protect us from certain pains. my brain thought it best to stop functioning. i returned to kindergarten grammar and even started throwing a tantrum. had it not been for my parents calling for me to open the door, i probably would have continued to react in the infantile manner. each step i took seemed to last an eternity. i...
the music was loud and although i was excited to see the band, i was feeling really sick. the vibrations from the speakers were slowly pushing up my meal from earlier that night. punk shows are the best because you can puke right there on the floor as lanky teenage boys scrimmage about instigating a mosh pit. falling in the regurgitated remains just adds to the punk charm. immediately after i spewed my dinner, a stranger handed me a drink and said "you're still not drunk enough". i accepted the free beverage but i retained the fact that i was ill not drunk. i downed the drink in less than a minute hoping to cure my ailing condition. i lost my friend in the crowd and it was far too p...
My Troubled Youth,
i was 15 years old and my brother, tony, was 16. we left home one weekend and ended up staying in a border town in mexico for two weeks. it all started when we met a couple of guys from laredo. they were looking for a ride back home and my brother’s friend, elise, promptly offered up her car. they requested that we first stop off in austin. it was the opposite direction of where they were headed but being the naïve teens that we were, we willingly drove them. the two guys ventured out to sell what they smuggled in from mexico. (apparently, the pills they had were a huge success in austin). meanwhile, elise’s car was having some issues and when the damn thing died, i had t...
Don't Lean On Me, I Have No Balance
i've been drowning out all the good things in life for so long that the waters are full of beautiful thoughts and magnificent feelings but i never learned to swim. so i planted myself in the darkest cave, the walls are colored with obscured memories and gloomy visions. leaving it now would be disingenuous. as i stare out into the world, all i see are rusted swingsets and beat up dog houses flooding the yards of impoverished homes. where children used to play and roam the streets, now are empty plots with needles and discarded baggies that were used for weed. van gogh's starry night isn't seen with predilection but ignored as teenagers look to their devi...
The Estrangement Of The Mentally Ill
he paced back and forth with a sweater two sizes too big and wore jeans that had been passed down since the sixties. his hands were shoved in his pockets so forcefully that they hung just below his hips. a nurse sat at the station where she could overlook all the loonies. the door swung open and all eyes were on the newly admitted patient. she took a seat far from everyone else, as if somehow she would perish in the corner. he desperately tried not to glance in her direction, but soon found himself sitting in the seat next to her. at the beginning, he just sat there fidgeting. after a few mental conversations, he built up the courage to make eye contact....
Dear Strange New Me,
nothing was the same but i guess change was inevitable. i felt like i was the same but i knew that wasn't true. i had isolated myself for so long that i wasn't even a blurred reflection of the person you knew. i would be so much more if i hadn't screwed up...and i'm talking about the first mistake i ever made. if only i could remember the moment it all went wrong then i could move on, or perhaps i just tell myself that. i lay in bed and try to sleep. thoughts racing through so fast i can't remember what i was just thinking. she lays next to me but she no longer has feelings for me. i long for closeness but she turns her back. i ignore her ingenious form of cruelty and p...
Dear Best Friend,
our friendship is like no other, in the cold you are my cover, we create worlds with our art, and live in them when we're apart, you are my cushion when i fall, when i'm in trouble you're my only call, without you in my life i'd be alone, your company always feels like home
on the last day of high school, my english teacher asked me to wait outside of class. she assigned a quiz to the rest of the students but joined me in the hall for the remainder of the hour. we sat on the bench that was adjacent to the library. at first, we just sat there, no words, no movement...just sat in silence. i thought about my first day and how she smiled at me as if she knew me. perhaps we were acquainted in another time in a far off land...someplace, where the age gap was insignificant to us. we existed solely to compliment each other...not to satisfy social norms. this all raced through my head. then she placed her hand on the bench next to my leg. instantly, her moveme...
Music...We Are Nothing
the sound exploded in my ears and then found its way into my chest. the melody was one i would grow to love. i was only 6 years old but i felt the music rush through my veins and numb my thoughts. it was a palpable little beat but it soared across the room and pierced my heart. i never felt alone when billy joel was serenading me. i remember watching his music video and wanting to be as cool as he was or at least one of the dancers. who was i kidding...i couldn't do it even if i had the chance because i was too embarrassed to dance in front of anyone but when i was alone i would dance as much as i could. sometimes my aunt would babysit us and she'd play all the records...
i’m writing to the world…i don’t remember much but i do remember this…i want to dance and i fucking miss having friends. but most importantly…i miss you my love…i miss you everyday of my life and i miss you every time that i cry. i still feel your lips kissing my neck ever so gently. no one will ever replace you. i wish you all the happiness in the world. i'll keep dreaming that you'll come make love to me.
chucky azarati rhesus
Tormented With Ambiguity
morning is here but the sun isn’t out yet. i gasp for air and reach for my journal to quickly write down my dreams, before i forget. last night i couldn’t sleep. shadowy delusions were chasing me. i sought shelter in an abandoned building but every flight of stairs offered new phantoms. when i closed my eyes i woke to another frightening illusion. i was powerless to these dark visions but i continued to outrun them. i told myself to get up and stop these nightmares at once, but i couldn’t. the further i ran, the more daunting each hallucination grew. i couldn’t see who i was so afraid of but the fear was so intense that i had to keep moving. my legs stopped working ...
LIVING A DREAM I NEVER HAD
i woke up to a dark room i didn't recognize. i felt immediately that i was going to be attacked. i was shaking from fear and my heart was pounding in surround sound. as my eyes were adjusting to the obsidian room, i scurried to my feet and blindly searched for the door. as i found the knob i felt someone standing behind me. i quickly swung the door open and just as the light entered the room...i woke up, again. this time i was safe in bed. i was about 5 or 6 when i first had this dream and i've had it repeatedly over the years. tony (my brother) was about 6 or 7 and i remember thinking, as i sat there in bed, that if i could just see his face that i would be ok. ...
this is a journal entry from 10 years ago. you've come a long way.
the stairs were littered with old mail and chipped paint. every step was independently fragile. you could hear the boards rattle when walking the desolate staircase. i, drunkenly, tiptoed up the feeble and ill-maintained flight of stairs. at the top i fell to the ground and instantly lost consciousness. i woke to find my neighbor dragging me down the hall and closer to my apartment. she knew my drinking habits occasionally caused me to collapse and she didn't want the other tenants to alert management of my vagrant-like appearance. we didn't speak much to each other but there was a mutual res...
For All The Ladies.
HER HEART IS ART
her heart held more tears than a sky holds stars
her heart fought harder than drunks in bars
her heart took more beatings than a boxer has scars
her heart beat faster than dale earnhardt raced cars
her heart drowned in sorrow deep as ocean floors
her heart pounded harder than knockers on doors
her heart loved more than his friday night whore
her heart felt more pain than that burnout with no score
her heart was a legend before he was even born
her heart beat better than miles davis’s horn
her heart gets used like a jacket gets worn
her heart pierced his hand like a rose’s thorn
her heart has more fury than a woman’s scorn
The Best Memories Are Hidden In Dreams
welcome to the dreams you don't see. have no worries. you were mean to connect to our world. hello. sleep no more. goodbye. sleep like a baby starts the season. stop, look and listen. first there was what it is. half the story. real life for a day. next up? remembering the other side of reality. wild magic. which side will you choose? a long way from let's do lunch. getting up. going places. grasping the future. everything we do. growing a view. just a little make believe in mind. here we go! your chance. today's your day to shine on. we are where this is...you are not alone. never panic. you have the power to touch the future and cr...
The Stranger I Haven't Met
what is there to say? all my words are stuck in my esophagus and all i can think about is how loud my neighbors are being. i tremble with hostility and hearing their laughter infuriates me. i used to be like them, once upon a time, drinking and laughing. now i'm nothing more than a troglodyte bitterly sneering in their direction. just a few drinks ago they were talking about fighting and being filled with rage, now they stumble about and pour their hearts' out like coffee filling the many mugs on a lazy sunday morning. heartache is a son of a bitch...it brings statuesque and heroic men to their knees and turns elegant and beautiful woman into vicious gorgons. that ...
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
love, there isn't such a thing, it's just a dream. a fictional character in a children's book, one you wish meet. sometimes you think it's in front of you but when you least expect it...it sneaks up on you. then it knocks you down, pushes your face into the ground, and kicks dirt in your eyes. as it's walking away with a smirk on it's face, it lets out a laugh. a mean little devil i wish i never met...love is just that.
THERE ARE NO FISH LEFT IN THE SEA
i'm hitting the single life the way one should...one night stands here and there but i've realized that the only reason they are one night stands is because the majority of these women are just looking for that lesbian fling they forgot to take advantage of in college. so i'm doing my duties as a very honored member of the lesbian/queer community. the sad thing is as much as i should be enjoying it...i'm not. i leave without even saying the lame one linter "i'll call you" because they don't want to hear that and i sure as hell don't want to say it. don't get me wrong, all woman have a certain appeal, but i don't know them lo...
when life doesn't suit you...wear jeans.
to be a teen in the 90s was very liberating, well for most kids it was. no matter what music you listened to or what clothes you wore you were considered alternative. i mean there were guys with long hair having lunch with ghetto thugs who had neck tattoos. then you had cheerleaders that were coloring their hair purple and wearing baggy pants while kids became popular for being able to maneuver a string from their nose through their mouth for no other reason but attention, when in fact just 2 years prior those same kids were being teased for doing the aforementioned act that was now making them popular. music was just as liberal as ...
my eyes will only work when i'm dreaming, which means i'm in another world. i'm actually blind in when i'm completely me. so when i wake up able to see i know that i'm not the same me. no one believes me that i've traveled through time. i've lived many lifetimes and met many kinds of beings. there is even a world where language is as useful as a flea on a banana. we have the ability to live within our dreams but we are sometimes locked out of our happiest world to keep us under control. i woke up today like any other day but a part of me remembered the visions that haven't happened yet. i'm not sure if all is already lost and i'm just dreaming this and this is just a memory or if i still ha...