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chucky azarati rh...

PO# 642227
United States
United States
i'm a 39 year old queer who suffers from depression, social anxiety, and bipolar 1 disorder. i live in san antonio, tx where i was born and raised.
April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

every night i lay down and close my eyes wishing that i won't wake up. the false sanity drugs no longer work and maybe they never did. sometimes i stay up for a few days so i don't have nightmares. they are so realistic that when i do wake up, i momentarily believe that what happened on May 19, 1999 was an elaborate setup by the authorities to catch criminals. my brother didn't die. he's still alive and in witness protection. once in a while, he's allowed to visit one person, and he always visits me. it feels so good to see him smile and laugh. i don't remember his voice. all of this happens in less than a minute. although i enjoy seeing him while i sleep when i wake up i look around and no...

FACE TO FACE
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

an unplanned expedition and too many mental agitations. nothing feels right because everything is no more. all i feel is not real. maybe taking those extra sleeping pills is keeping me in this unknown state. it is all a mystery. i can hear my mother telling me she's proud of me. what is she so proud of? i have always fucked up. i was hardly a good kid and still she smiles when she sees me. i think she sees someone that doesn't exist or maybe she thinks i still have a chance to change. i’m not an educated or successful person. i have always been a failure and i’ve accomplished nothing and still she smiles when she sees me. when we were kids, she would tell us that we could be anything we wan...

PHOENIX
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

the sound of thunder is just a man dragging the trash can across street, tomorrow i will forget today so it doesn’t matter what i do or say, someone opened the doors to let the light in, while i was on the couch all night crying, i’ll pick up the pieces of my vague memories and watch as birds fly by in the cool gentle breeze, forgotten moments in the time that has passed, little things remind me of the darkened past, my memory is better than others’ because of the murder of my sweet brother, i knew the secret to life, or at least i thought i did, but it was so brief i forgot it again. so, it's the first time i've been out since my last incarceration. my friend asked me to join her at a venu...

MONKEY SONGS
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

the trek to your love begins before the existence of time. the flame of your passion ignites when you look into her eyes. slowly you melt with her into the darkness and the light. you engage in an explosion of ecstasy as your bodies strike. the fusion of your souls sends infinite love into flight. eternal beauty radiates past the sun’s rays and the moon’s light. a world emerges where love lives and never dies. a place where sorrow smiles and happiness cries.

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STAR EXPLODING
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

it's been a couple of weeks without my medication. i am forced to return to the mental health facility to restart therapy and get my prescriptions renewed. my stomach aches. it has never been the same. the doctors all tell me that there's nothing physically wrong with me so maybe it's all in my head, or at least that's what they imply. the sounds in my stomach sound like they originated in the ocean. if this is where we are, where are we? i'm not one to complain if there's no one to hear my complaints...why am i here? is this just a waste of time? why do i constantly think they're watching me? they're just sitting and talking...i can't hear them and i have no intention of looking up at them...

MYSTERIOUS DOOR
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April 15, 2019
San Antonio, United States

today the paved roads that connect city to city and state to state are given less thought than the leaves on our lawns. i consider this while walking the short but insufferable distance to the once well populated park in the city and think...i was born too late. the eleventh-hour is silently making its way into my already darkened room. dreams of being a drifter have vanished and i'm left with only my memories. it isn't seen as adventurous to travel by foot across the country or to hop on a train...it's just seen as a cry for attention. a few decades ago there were so many youths crossing paths that you could smell the adolescence when driving through any given interstate. now the only trav...

MOVEMENT
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April 15, 2019
 

when was the last time you saw me? i'm not a junkie...i'm just extremely suicidal. all these months that have passed have felt like years...even decades. i fear i'll never see your face again and that kills me everyday. i don't know what i have to do to prove to you that you are the most important person in my life. i've watched my family die in a dream and still felt nothing because you weren't there. i felt your hands but couldn't see your face so i died a little inside.​ my voice is hoarse from all the screaming i've been doing. they all think i'm just being dramatic but the truth is that the secrets and lies of my family are killing me. my grandma understands but doesn't know how to expla...

THE KISS
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April 14, 2019
San Antonio, United States

i searched for the truth in the amber colored liquid that knew me better than i knew myself. she seemed to call my name when i was lost and abandoned. what is it about whiskey and the feeling she gives you when she’s kissing your lips and causing you to crave for more of her warm and spicy taste? at first, you try to resist giving in to her dark and hot flavor but not long after she coats your neglected mouthpiece, she travels to the center of your chest and tickles it with the sweetest sensation. you almost have no choice but to give in because you know she’ll lubricate your dehydrated soul and warm your cold and desolate body. surrendering to her is not a sign of weakness. some of the mo...

ELOQUENCE
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