|Sometimes in the depths of our soul we find the feelings we never dealt with.|
Love can go full circle sometimes,
& pain can be just a step behind.
We started as friends, then had some fun, & then I showed emotion while intoxicated.
My head & heart were not connected, as my heart was opening but my mind stayed closed.
I was still in too much pain & closed myself off from the world. Why couldn’t someone love me? Was I not good looking enough?
Not charming enough? Not funny enough? Or was it my job title?
The chemistry I had felt was infectious, but she only saw me as a friend.
Then I closed myself off emotionally & spiraled. I’m sorry you caught that end of the stick.
You deserved better, & I always pushed you away when you got close.
From the bottom of my...
Seeing that picture of you with him was like a punch straight to my heart.
But I’ve kept my feelings buried, and convinced myself my love for you would never be enough.
You see, I’ve been conditioned from my experiences to believe that I’m not worthy of love.
But I’m reconditioning myself, & focusing on my inner healing.
When it comes to you & I, I have to accept that there’s been too much inconsistency. I want someone that is crazy about me, & someone I don’t have to constantly wonder about where their head is at.
You have a type, and I’m different from what you know. The funny thing is, the same thing can be said for me.
You are not my type, but when I’m with you I feel at ease. ...
I always tend to write most when it’s late at night. But I feel it’s always when I’m trying to process my emotions.
This time, you really got to me. I’m still shell shocked from what happened, from what was said, & in no way understand what my role is with you.
Before that night, I was healing & focusing on rebuilding myself. However, as an empath it can be hard to know how to handle interactions with past flames.
If I’m being honest I guess I just wanted to hold you one more time. Life hasn’t been fair to you in too long, & it’s incredibly frustrating for me to feel so helpless where we currently stand.
People take advantage of your kindness and enormous heart, but where d...
I’m up late again, & the energy that a New Year brings has brought a feeling of restoration that I so desperately needed.
I feel like I’m going to make this my best year to date, I’m going to take all the pain & suffering from last year and use it to make me wiser.
I’ve started the year by giving up drinking, & I plan on making my physical and emotional wellness my main priority.
It would be a lie for me to say I’m not thinking about you daily, but I know that the time just isn’t there yet. I hope that when I see you next, I’m brave enough to tell you how I feel; or at least to start welcoming that idea.
I’ve let fear take hold of myself for too long. It’s time for me to take some step...
There’s an irony with this year..
I thought that I could live without you, but the truth is I took you for granted.
Now that I don’t have you, I’ve been struggling to make sense of why I let you go.
Maybe it’s that I just need to stop making sense of it.
Something didn’t allow me to fall.
Was it timing? Maybe.
Was it just you & I being incompatible? Probably.
But one thing is for certain.
I can’t hold a space for you anymore.
And it wasn’t that you didn’t love her;
It’s that your heart belonged somewhere else and you couldn’t pretend anymore.
Frustration has been a recurring theme of this year.
I’ve been hardened extremely by some unfortunate situations.
However, the wisdom I’ve gained is not something I would trade for anything.
I’m shifting my energy into a place where I can genuinely be my best self. Trying to please everyone has been too draining, & frankly impossible.
I keep fighting this energy, but the boundaries I’ve been setting have been freeing me of my own suffering.
So if I ask you for space, or for patience; that’s me genuinely setting my personal needs in stone.
My life can no longer be pushed aside, and I’m astounded by what a freeing feeling that is.
No more fighting it, it’s time. I’m letting go and we...
And it came like waves,
The feeling that so many people
I tried to love couldn’t reciprocate that love back to me.
Whether it was a friendship, a relationship, or even family.
It genuinely has left me scarred and afraid to open up to people.
But the sad truth is, you really have to learn that at the end of the day...
You have to depend on yourself above anyone else.
Life is short, people come & go like
ships in the night.
Some return, & some just never do.
I’m trying to find solace in the good times, but mostly I’m just sad that so many lost sight of my true intentions.
Which was really that I just wanted them to love themselves as much as I loved them.
So as I’ve said befo...
Life has been hard this year,
And I’m trying very hard not to let it make me bitter but instead make me better.
I’m fighting that loneliness feeling again.
But I have to remind myself that with the wrong person I can feel even more alone.
Healing is not linear, some days will simply be better than others.
So my plan is to fill my free time with more things that make me feel more alive, and less that just numb out my emotions.
It sucks going through it, but I know that I’m going to come out of it better than ever.
Think of it like a snake shedding it’s skin, I’m welcoming changes and a new and better version of myself.
Only blessings from here on out. I’m going to find more and m...
I thought I had stopped thinking about you,
But hearing your name last night brought up some unhealed feelings
It sucks feeling that you just aren’t a part of my life anymore, but it’s a feeling and theme I’ve been getting more and more used to.
You see, at this point in my life I just don’t have time for one sided anythings. I gave so much time and energy to you last year, and as soon as I took a step back you were gone.
I’ll miss you, but I’m sure you’ll miss me too. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again, and you’ll realize what you were missing out on the whole time.
Until then I’ll be thinking about you, and about the “us” that just never came to be.
This morning I woke up and the first person I thought of was myself.
For once in my life, I feel like I am thinking for myself first and it’s starting to make me feel more alive than ever.
It’s helping me separate what isn’t benefiting me from what does, and it’s helping me make necessary changes to my life.
Lately I’ve been trying really hard to put out good energy into the universe, and I feel like the universe is starting to put that energy back into me.
Faith in myself has always been a struggle, but it’s largely been from all the pain & suffering I’ve endured.
I’m no longer afraid to be vulnerable & to be my true self. I feel like I’m finally okay with not caring what others th...
And I’ll be honest,
Every time I think of you it makes my heart soar.
You have an energy about you that just makes me feel more at ease with myself than I ever have.
And it’s an energy that is hard to miss so much right now.
With a heart like mine, it’s hard to know where to start with someone as special & as deep as you are. I’m afraid that you would destroy what is left of me, but you’ve only brought peace and light to my world in short periods of time.
This has been a year filled with turmoil and you’ve shined light towards me during some dark times.
Whatever happens between us, I hope that you always feel as loved and appreciated as you should be.
Hopefully I can get past this f...
Loyalty is a complicated thing for me,
I have a huge heart and it’s hard for me to give up on people, jobs, & situations... even when they don’t benefit me or make me feel fulfilled
But I’ve been getting pushed to my breaking point lately and it’s been a lot to bare.
I don’t like asking for help, & I don’t like having to brown nose to get appreciation.
So I beg you universe, please reward me for my patience and hard work in this time of turmoil & frustration.
Life has been hard on me this year, but I’ve still held strong and won’t cave to my demons.
Reward my faith in myself to overcome all obstacles and grant me the serenity to love myself first above everything and everyone else. ...
Sometimes I let myself drown
By falling back into old patterns and self destructive habits
I’m a fire sign and my emotions can be hard to control at times
And I can let my anger consume me
But if this year has taught me anything,
It’s that I have to keep my emotions in check
And in doing that I can be the example to others I want to be
I care about people more than most of them even realize,
But I’ve been pushed too far & it’s made it hard for me to open up to people.
I don’t trust easily these days, and if I do it really has to be earned.
And I think I’m starting to be okay with not always being liked & with often times being misunderstood.
Not everyone deserves to know the rea...
Letting people go is really hard for me,
But today I really did it.
I’ve accepted that my past is set in stone but my present is for me to take the wheel of.
I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way. I’ve lost family, girlfriends... at times I’ve even lost my faith.
Even in some dark times I’ve lost the will to try at all, because it’s disappointing when everything you’ve wanted slips through your fingers.
However I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever even realized. My motivation and my energy is rising more than ever before.
I’ve let these dark times ignite this flame in me once again. I love myself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves me.
Because you know...
The truth is, I thought I had it all wrong..
Love is a complicated emotion and it is scary to cross that bridge with someone; especially with a friend that you need.
But you cross that bridge when you are ready, and I wasn't even close.
You see, everyone that came before you took a part of me with them.
I provided them emotional support, but it was ultimately for a temporary time.
They took advantage of my big heart, and it has made me bitter. The funniest part about it, is I still miss people from my past.
I don't miss the romances, I miss the friendships.
So this next relationship I have will have to be with a friend. Trust takes time to build, especially after a ...
Some days it’s okay to be lonely.
Some days it’s okay to feel sad.
Some days you don’t feel up to much.
Some days you feel like you want to give up on yourself.
But one day I hope you realize, that days can turn into weeks, which can turn into months.
And while it’s important to feel these feelings, you’ve got to turn the pain into motivation. That you won’t settle and won’t give up on yourself.
I know for me that this past month was probably one of the hardest months I’ve ever had. But I’ve been spending too much time focusing on all the bad.
Yes I fell down far this time, but a phoenix rises from the ashes. I’m determined to make things happen for myself. To pour my heart and ...
I’m truly sorry this time.
I wanted so badly to fall in love with you but the universe had other plans.
My heart really did try to open up, but when the odds started to feel stacked against us it was overwhelming.
You have to admit, things sure went south when we tried to reopen that door.
In my heart I truly want you to be happy. And as much as you argued that I made you happy I knew I didn’t.
My heart has gone cold again, and for me that means it’s time to build myself back up.
Isolation can be lonely, but it gives you time to focus on what you truly want & need.
Please don’t think of me in a negative light, focus on the good and I’ll do the same.
Maybe someday the time will...
Sometimes you drift back into my mind
Like a leaf blowing through the wind
You come without a warning,
But I have to remind myself why we drifted apart and how suddenly you turned sour.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few months.
I cannot settle for less than I deserve any longer, and I cannot deal with toxic coping mechanisms.
Love yourself enough to be able to walk away from the people & vices you can’t depend on.
And sadly when I think of you A,
I think of all the pain you brought me, and that it overshadowed all the love I tried to pour into you.
It really is true when they say you can’t love someone fully until you love yourself fully. And from now on I’m going to ...
It’s time I stick to my guns,
I’ve learned too many lessons along the way and you just have too much left to learn
I gave you a full chance this time
But I can’t ignore my gut instinct or these red flags
And sadly you’ve given me endless ones
It pains me to say goodbye to someone who loved me as much as you have
But I can’t keep pretending that I’m happy.
I’m just not.
Someone is out there for you, I know it in my heart. It’s just not going to be me and I need you to respect that.
Love me enough to let me go. And love yourself enough to know that it shouldn’t be this hard.
Being an empath is incredibly frustrating
On one hand, I would love to heal everyone I come into contact with
On the other, I still haven’t approached any of my own healing
So that’s the problem.
My emotional bank is empty, and it’s time for me to fill it for myself again.
I’ll tell you something about healing,
It doesn’t follow any sort of timetable.
It’s full of mistakes, of slip ups, of pain...
But it’s also making me feel alive again.
And I’m far from perfect, but the fact that I feel more like myself than I have in nearly two plus years is something I’m celebrating.
Even today, my conversations with complete strangers left them wanting to know more.
And you know what?
That feels pretty fucking good.
The bottomline is...
I never needed you.
And it’s time for me to realize that you never even deserved me at all.
For a long time now I've been caught in the middle.
I've been the peacemaker, I've been a friend to everyone,
But too many betrayals have done something to me.
I don't care as much as I used to, and I am making peace with that.
Maybe I just am not as nice as I was before,
Frankly, because not everyone deserves my kindness.
That has to be earned now, and once you lose it; it is hard to earn it back.
So go ahead and talk behind my back, but know that you lost a friend
who always had yours.
It’s hard to let you go
I’ve been struggling with it for quite awhile
I miss what you & I had.
When it was just us, I was the happiest I’ve ever been
But it’s been far too long
And I just can’t hold on any longer
So this is goodbye,
For real this time.
It has been awhile,
Yet the pain I feel still hurts to this day
I hope you are out there kicking ass and taking names
I hope that all your dreams come true,
I miss you, but I am tired of feeling this way
You clearly let superficial things get in the way
And maybe you weren’t the genuine being I thought
I’ll always wish the best for you
Nothing could ever make me hate you
But I hope someone someday will make me forget you
Letting what we had go was the mistake of a lifetime,
And I will never forgive you.
I loved you more than I have ever loved anything.
But you left too many things unsaid, without even an explanation.
At some point you have to draw...
I’m starting to think I had it all wrong.
You shouldn’t have to chase someone to love them. You should receive it naturally from someone that shows you what you’ve been missing all along.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to realize this, and I’m trying like hell to open my heart again.
Maybe that’s what it is
You want to give your all to someone new
But you are still finding out too much about yourself
And you can’t distract yourself from this momentum
In fact, when you ask yourself: “when was the last time you lived your life for you?”
It’s a struggle to even remember if that’s ever been the case at all
Dear past me,
I wish you didn't have to endure so much heartbreak and pain. There were so many people that you gave your all to. Friendships, relationships, and even family let you down and it broke your spirit.
Dear present me,
Acknowledge the fact that past you had mishaps, but don't let them make you bitter. Learn from them, let them go, and focus on all the positive people and things you currently have in your life. Let go of your fears and go for your dreams.
Dear future me,
I hope you are happier than ever. That you've finally learned how to love yourself first above all so that you can lift up the people around you effortlessly. Also, I hope you feel loved and keep...
I’m not looking for that mediocre love story
I’m waiting until my heart sours with even a simple touch
When I think about them day and night
2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon
And I know it because I’ll feel it
And I haven’t felt that way in far too long