|Just now, back to my bubble. Worth it. I Promise.|
I hate it when they say that it's me who slammed the door shut to your face. I mean, it's true. I did. But it's what they (and you, too) imply that gets to my nerves.
Love (or the absence thereof -- from your end, that is) wasn't the reason I did what's done. And we both knew the sordid and horrible truth, so let's not make anymore BS. We've had tons already.
I still believe we shouldn't compromise what's right, and chances also run out if you keep missing the lessons. My patience ran out, not my affection. I mean, it did, eventually, but not before. And for the record, I wasn't the one who gave up first. You did, but didn't realize it. Or maybe you did, but chose to ignore....
"We all get to be in someone else's past, the same time we all get to live in someone else's future."
You are still living what was my yesterday, and I'm already living your tomorrow. It depends on our timezones.
Here, it's morning and somewhere else, it's noon. Somewhere it's harvest, while in another, it's summer. I just woke up, and you're just getting ready for bedtime.
There's time difference, and there's distance. But lately, there's virtually no boundaries, we get to see everything all at once. And yes, we get connected, with the slightest chance. Like minds and kindred souls don't really mind the hindrance.
(Thank you, Cashi for the inspiration. All my 💗😍😉)
You are confused, dear. So let me share some of my thoughts. Maybe it would help clear the fog.
1. If there's a will, there will be countless of ways. Otherwise, there are also counterpart excuses. Maybe more.
2. Intentions are not as good as actions. Remember, Love manifests in actions? Yes. Intentions are not good enough, no matter how pure they seem. Actions speak volumes. Intentions are just blueprints and masterplans. They go nowhere until acted upon.
3. Love doesn't necessarily need to be reciprocated, and it doesn't come with assurance (or insurance, whichever applies). It's your prerogative to stay in love, not anyone else's. But my point is, don't hurt yourself too much. Love...
Unmoving, a bit bereft,
I wait here from where you left,
wishing the tides could call you back.
I spoke to the wind to tell you
what I've left unsaid,
hoping it would change your mind.
And if you could only give me a glance --
even for a vague, somewhat uncertain chance --
maybe I could show you how sorry I was.
And I still regret what had been unspoken,
I realized they should have been what mattered.
I wait, am waiting still.
Wanting you to come back here.
And maybe even for a while more,
you could stay a bit longer.
Maybe I could make you see,
the image of you carved on my mind;
that no distance, no space, not even time,
not even when you've left everyth...
We open our mouth to eat. Also to speak. And to kiss.
(I'm getting ready to run. Is this still Speech Class? What's wrong with the world?)
Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?
Would I be so bad if I could turn you on?
When I kiss your mouth, I wanna taste it.
Bring you upside down, don't wanna waste it.
-- Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
Back to this place.
The last time I was here, I had been shedding silent tears; my heart shattering like brittle glass, but without sound and my soul bleeding nonstop. It's a wonder I survived.
Now, I see the same things, and yet not so. It's like a stranger is seeing it with familiar eyes.
Could it have been the weather? That morning, it was drizzling. As if the clouds were mourning with me. Now the sun shines as if it's demanding its very existence to be felt. And I did. I do feel it.
Someone said we mostly remember pain because we don't have scars for happiness. I agree. We write about sadness and happiness with the same intensity. But people mostly read the painful/sad part...
I send myself notes to keep me reminded. Of things and thoughts that should matter. About the things and the thoughts that I keep forgetting.
Like, loving myself more and keeping my heart in check. Or not dwelling on the past too much, and keeping feelings grounded.
Because I have this tendency to forget myself. Especially when thoughts of you enter my head. And I need to mentally wake me up each time, because of all the things and thoughts I have, you and yours are the ones I tend to forget the last.
Do you know what I miss most? I miss how we were back then, and our late night talks.
I miss how it upsets me that we won't talk for days, though it was me who wanted you to stay away. And then when you couldn't take anymore, I would always find a letter on my drawer.
I miss how you try to carefully put your words together, and try to remind me that we loved each other (and shouldn't it be all that matters?). And knowing you don't have a gift for words or letters, my heart bursts with your sincerest efforts. It would be then that I know, our fight is over.
I miss how you slip quietly beside me at night, right after we've had a fight. And how you would hold me tight till I wake from sleep...
It's done and it's far away. But it left me freezing for some reason I couldn't explain.
And the cold traveled from my hands, to my heart. And I keep asking how I could warm me up again.
There was no time to think. And I also ran out of time to feel. I was expecting void, and yet it was filled, albeit the stark cold, like mountains of snow.
I'm still hoping though. Somehow, some way, I could unfreeze and my heart would thaw.
I had wanted to feel again after the numbing pain. But I forgot all the ugliness that comes along with it.
Once a heart is thawed, once it unfreezes, you get to see it all over again. Feel all the ...
Dreams are a comfort sometimes. It's where I get to see you, and be with you again.
In my dreams, you get to hold me, and tell me it's okay. And I believe you. It really does feel like I believe you. The chaos in my heart quiets down. You hold me like you don't ever want to let go. And everything lays perfectly still. I even hear you breathe my name.
And all of this vanishes, the moment I wake from sleep.
Today was just not my day
Like, how you were not mine anyway,
and I really just want to forget about it, just like how you know there's this me who lives, but forgot my heart ever exists.
There are certain days when the monsters score against you and you get beaten, no matter how well planned your strategy is. It's those kind of fights when they gang up, drag you to the shadows and tie you up, you can't breathe.
Such days mentioned above usually follow those long days of battle that drain you up. You fought hard for those you love, and nothing can and should make you falter. You are captain, and shouldn't be weak. Though, to be honest, you are dead tired within, and badly beaten. Thus the monsters know you are vulnerable during such periods. That's when they attack.
But since you hold the fortress, you know you can't just scream for help. Your precious realm might get sca...
When November comes, I hope to have a day in it when I won't have to care as much. A me-time kind of day, meant for bumming around.
My day of respite would be perfect, or something close. Nothing grand, just quiet. A bit carefree, and too much of lazy.
Just thinking about it makes me giddy.
Maybe I would lie down on the grass, by the sunflower field. With lots of iced coffee, and some ice cream, and perhaps some twister fries to go. Maybe lie there all day, stare at the blue sky, get soaked a bit if it rains. But really, to bum around, and caring less for a day is my aim.
If you decide to come, please don't do anything but lie beside me. Don't talk, don't read. And please try as...
Hi. It's been a while.
I wanted to come Runnin' Home To You, and say Thank You For Loving Me, but I know you might doubt me when I say it upfront, so I guess I Have To Say I Love You In A Song then. Like before.
I wanted to be Strong Enough to say these things, and All I Ask is for you to listen. You know for sure, I Hate That I Love you, and yet, I do. Being by your side Feels Like Home, even after what had happened between You and Me. I think Someday We'll Know why things had to be this way. Still, I believe I've been Lucky to call you my Superman, ages ago. And you will forever be My favorite Mistake, and I will always remember your Brown Eyes. And I mean always.
"I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy . . ."
He was surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you--you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy . . . Let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
Maybe I should have kept the glass globe. Maybe I should have said the caterpillars scare me and wind chills me.
"We've got this, dear girl. It will be okay," I said.
"I don't know," she replied, and I see the light fade from her eyes.
"Please don't say that," I pleaded. Then, I felt my heart sunk.
"I don't want to be you anymore," said the girl in the mirror. "Can we pretend to be someone else, even for a day?"
That, by far, had been the most hurtful thing said to me. But I can't blame nor hate her. She was being honest, and I couldn't find fault in it.
I smiled, rather bitterly. And promised to give her that vacation she deserves, and desperately needs. One day soon.
She sighed. And allowed me to drag her shadow for yet another day, another mile.
I sigh. And thoughts of you came to my mind.
Whenever I get so tired, and chaos threatens to overtake my brain, I can't help but think of you. Or rather, it's as if you slip quietly and remind me you're there. Waiting.
Your arms have always welcomed me, and you never made me feel I'm alone. You've assured me you would lie in wait if I needed to rest, or feel loved again. Your warmth had kept me sane, and your liveliness had me smiling, despite and during rough times.
Now I'm at the point of breaking, and my heart's been crushed, there is nothing I would want more but freedom, from all of it (or some respite, if at all possible). And the only place I know that could make me feel a b...
Yes, I lived by a dead man's words.
At least, his is never vile like yours. While you seek to live by strict rules, he meant to encourage. While you tell people how it should be, he showed people the difference between right and wrong and hoped they would make the right choice. He never said, "Be thankful. Just brush it off." He was more like, "Feel it. Learn from it. Pass the lesson, but not the pain." Ideal? No. Just loving. And never did he pretend to be nice. Goodness comes from within. Now, how many of your friends do you think are real?
I've lived my life surrounded by people like you. Projecting a nice smile, radiating a graceful demeanor. Making people feel it's their honor to ha...
It's amazing what a little self-questioning does to you. It's also a bit overwhelming how much answers you can get with a little "Why".
I usually overhear my mom tell people that I used to be the friendliest toddler in the neighborhood. Now I just prefer to be left alone.
I used to love swimming in the lake, when my grandpa would take me. The water didn't scare me then. Even the depths. To think I didn't know how to swim properly then. I loved the water, the wind, and the freedom.
I used to have a dog, too. Well, not mine really. It was grandpa's dog, but very much like mine. He's white and big and fluffy and he smells nice, despite being a stray dog. We'd run, and I would rub his belly....
If I had amnesia, I think I might forget most of the things from the past. Or maybe all of it. Faces, places, memories and how or what they are to me.
But I feel my heart would remember. Maybe not in an instant. Yet, I would know, something in my heart would tell me "this is familiar." It will tell me that something/someone is a part of me. Or had been. Or have wanted to have been.
And if I would still be my same stubborn self, I would not stop until I reconnect the dots. Some would be scary, just like everything unknown tends to be. They might bring pain, but that comes with the territory. But do we stop knowing the truth just because?
I know, we don't.
I have my answer...
We've billions of people in this world, but why do we still feel lonely?
We get to meet friends everywhere, find lost kin and reconnect. They say we have found ways to make our world connected. But are we really?
There's even this new App soon to launch in Asia for paid virtual boyfriends. I've nothing against it, but I do have questions.
Online dating is one thing, so is speed dating. Please don't get me wrong, I appreciate the internet for paving the way to communicate with friends and loved ones from the other side of the globe. But actually "paying" to have a virtual partner (no matter how safe and fool-proof they may be), makes me a little sad.
Has the world become that lonely? Pl...
He loves me.
I found love.
He left me.
It didn't work.
I lost him.
I am sorry.
It was beautiful.
It didn't last.
I love him.
I am free.
I'm moving on.
Time heals wounds.
We are friends.
I'll be okay.
I am free.
I'm moving on.
It takes time.
We're only friends.
He is happy.
I'll be fine.
"My heart swells when you look at me," he said.
"But your eyes also burns something in my heart. Telling me you can and you might crush it hard."
- from a proud boy who doesn't have a way with words.
And all the beautiful poetry of my soul pales in comparisson.
Sometimes, we tend to remember certain moments. How we felt, the scents in the air, the places where they happen, but not necessarily the face of the person associated with it.
That's why we need photographs. And this is the same reason we discard them.
you said my name,
you would rather
on your lips.
The tightness of your embrace,
you were imprinting
Your intake of breath,
and the seconds
you held it in
let it out.
The depth of your stare
and the slightest
as if you see me
letting me remember
I still am.
And the way
you won't let
those three words
I would have
a distant song
in my heart.
on that night,
It was foreboding.
The tower stood strong - all rustic, with its tall walls showing signs of battle with the waves. It had seen the ocean in it's serene glory, as well as its turbulence that sinks mighty ships.
The Angel found this fortress a long time ago, when she needed a place to rest her weary wings. He called to her when she was struggling to battle a storm, inviting her in. He appeared hollow, but something told her it held such warmth inside. She was seldom wrong, and she was right this time, too.
Over time, they created a strong bond. They faced storms together and they kept each other warm. He was her home, and she became his joy. They had rough times, too. Especially when she tests the streng...
Your kind of love is gentle, tender and kind. Like a summer wind. Or Christmas breeze. And your smile was what made all the gloomy and stormy days bright.
You showed me that giving so much would not make one run dry. It's the opposite. Like a steady river that flows from ocean to ocean. Never afraid to share itself to whomever crosses its path. Never selfish, never envious. Just steady.
It was that gentle and steady love I came to know, and with your leaving, it had never been easy. Nothing had been the same.
Because how will I know Love in other ways and other forms, when this was what I've always known? You've raised it so high, I'm afraid even I myself will sell short.
I hope people would be more mindful of how they feel and how it affects others.
I feel bad when someone is passive, or subdued. There is a difference, and it's not just semantics. If only we could discern what we really feel and acknowledge them, it might help us with channeling our feelings in a more understandable way.
Passive doesn't mean being thankful. We just do the most we could and accept things, and that is fine. But is that what we really feel? At times we say we are grateful but really we are just subdued to think we are.
I was raised to question, to break from wrong standards, and to try to understand others, as well as myself. If I feel something, I say i...