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Denae

PO# 532680
United States
United States
I only know how to write what I feel.
May 24, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

I’m not precious gems
I don’t have diamonds in my eyes
Or ruby’s in my veins.
I’m not coveted metals
My hair isn’t made of gold
And I don’t shed tears of silver.
I’m not some long-lost treasure
Worthy of epic tales of adventure
Or brave fights against evil.

I’m the dust in the desert
Maybe you’ll sink for a moment
But it won’t live on your skin.
I’m the stones laying on the river floor
One of many quite alike
Easy to find, easy to discard.
I’m the water trails sprawled across the mountain
You may trust it, follow it for a time
But it is not where you build a home.

I wanted the same value
As I ascribe to you
But I cannot be
Other than what you see.

MELODIC ROSE
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May 13, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

The way you push
It’s well-meaning, I know.
The way you nudge and pry
The way you try to pull
Him from my heart.
The guise, at least
Is one of concern
A desire to help.
But, please, be honest
For whom do you
Wish to empty
My chest?
For myself?
So I can learn to
Be happy again?
Or for you?
So you can make
An attempt to burrow in?

I have walls of pain
Stretching to the clouds.
They cannot let you in.
They protect something
That aches only for
The return of what it
Has lost.
The reunion of
His heart
And mine.

INKTOBER: NEMOPHILIST
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April 28, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

I’ve been run over
By a one hundred car
Train.
Each segment shredded
Me into smaller pieces as
It careened forward.
Torn.
Somehow, my mangled heap
Of chopped meat
Survived and stood
Trembling.
Blood gushing from
Uncountable wounds,
Becoming a river as I
Twist
Back into a person
As I stuff myself back
Into the expected shape
Tripping
On the parts that
Didn’t fit back into me
That scatter the dirty
Tarmac.
Please, don’t look at
My drooping smile
Or the unstoppable
Tears
That now live in my eyes.
Please, ignore the way
My heart has stopped beating
Turn
Away from the sight
Of the gruesome death
That I am expected to live
Through.

ZEESHAN MOMIN
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March 19, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

He thinks we
Are not meant to be.
He may be right
He’s probably right.
But I am not brave enough
To call it quits yet.

Not after you.
Not after us.
I spent too long with regret
Wishing you and me
Had given ourselves
A chance.

Maybe it was the fates?
Pushing he and I to
End it last night.

I’m still afraid of
Something—
I’m still worried
That my ‘meant-to-be’
Is you and me.

You wouldn’t hide from me
...
Would you?

ANGEL OF PASSION
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March 16, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

I would say that you still
Owe me a sunset.
But our sun has already set.
The last of those glimmering rays
Have sunk into the horizon.
Leaving behind an
Eternal twilight.

I have finally allowed
A day to break anew.
A new beginning.
A new chance.
A new lover.
This day is still early
But I am already swathed
In its brilliant light and warmth.

Perhaps, one day,
My new sun will set
And I’ll be left with
Another ending.
Another everlasting twilight.

Or, maybe,
My new sun will become brighter
Maybe it will burn away
Our twilight.
Maybe my new day
Will be eternal.

THE SUN
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February 8, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

I know you’ve been back.
I watch for when
Those numbers
Change.

Maybe you’ve
“Seen”
My pain.
Maybe you’ve
Read
My mangled mind.

I fell
In love
Again.

I didn’t know I could.

After you.

I get it-
You-
I think.

I’m in love.

He and I
Are
In love.

I’m cleaning my closet.

Do you
Remember
My grey-blue sweater?
The one with little,
Pink flowers?
I wore it
The day
You wore
Grey
Head-to-toe.
I was trying to
Speak
My feelings
Quietly.

Do you
Remember
My red
Crop top
With “frayed”
Selves and bottom?
The one
I had on
That evening
We sat in
Your car.
We kissed
For the
First time.

What about the
Black and grey
Sweater?
With the golden
Threads?
I had it on
In Nob Hill
Th...

JUST LOVE
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January 29, 2020
Albuquerque, United States

I am the frayed end
Of a thick, brown rope.
Spread
Into a thousand directions
Separated
Into a million pieces.
Piece.
Peace.
What is peace?
There is only chaos
Within
It is ear splittingly loud
And silent
All at once.
I am
All at once
Everywhere
But
Everywhere
Feels a lot like
Nowhere.
Where?
Where is that screaming coming from?
I can feel it inside me,
Writhing in the depths of
My stomach...
Or perhaps it’s wrapped in
My mind.
Mindful.
My mind is so full.
My head is overflowing
With my own voice
My voices.
They speak
What I can understand
I do not like.
The other meanings are lost in the
Whirling wind
Of the internal
Torrential storm.
Wind
Rain
Thunder
Oh thunderous t...

LIGHT LETTRS LOGO
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November 23, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Your eyes only skim
The surface
Blissfully unaware of what
Simmers below.

Because I
Can smile
Because I
Can laugh
Because I
Make jokes
Because I
“Look like I’m
Doing better!”

Your eyes see
My show
Your eyes see
My false face
Your eyes see
What I want

I’m suppressing
The tears
I’m burying
The hurt
I’m hiding
My brokenness.

I’m afraid.  

What if you
Don’t stick around
Because
What if I
Am not okay
        ?

CHIRAYU
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November 20, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I’m losing.
I’m drifting
And
Drowning
Crushed
Into
Dust.
I’m lost
Floundering.
Misstepping
In a
Dance
I can’t
Remember
Ever
Learning.
I’m hurting.
Pain
Swells
Chasing
Me.
But I
Can only
Run
So fast
For
So long.
He keeps
Catching
Me
And I
Get away
Only
To leave
A trail
Of blood
To my
Heaving
Carcass.
I’m dying.
Surrounded
By the
Living
Who only
See the
Movement
Of my
String-pulled
Limbs
And can’t
See
The
Way my
Insides are
Crawling
Out
Of
Me.

I don’t
Know how
To beg
For help
In a
Way
You
Will
Understand.

HERO MASK
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September 12, 2019
Tijeras, United States

I never thought that
“I love you”
Would mean
“Goodbye”

SUNSET LOVE
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August 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I so nearly loosed
the words from my lips
they prowl now,
caged in my mind
restless
from their brief glimpse
of freedom
they tasted your mouth
as your breath collided with mine
how long can they last?
pacing, panting in my eyes
as I ignore their
agitated cries
what will it take?
to earn their release
from their transparent prison?
I’ve locked them away
Fear holds the key
seeking Courage
as his knuckles whiten
on the small brass instrument
but
even if he finds him
what meaning will they bear?
those three small syllables
carrying such weight
just how strong
are they?
I can see them
baring their teeth and
snarling unhappily
but I cannot seem
to read their intentions

LET'S FALL IN LOVE
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August 2, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

The first time I saw you
You were not you
At all.
A gangly, goofy knight.
A sly cat.
You were known to me
Only through others.
I was, perhaps,
Completely unknown
To you.

The second time
You were simply
A pale face
Over my sisters shoulder.
The school gym was dark
The music was loud
Here, we had an introduction.
Maybe you liked
My sister
Maybe she
Liked you.
“... the shape of a man in a crumpled brown suit. He had gingerish hair and a pale, unhappy face.”

Next, it was Valentines Day
You gave me a
Lollipop and a pick-up line
“Are you Willy Wonka’s daughter?
‘Cause you’re sweet!”
As you wandered
The courtyard,
Friends, and more lollipops in tow.

In that classroom,
The follow...

STARS
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July 25, 2019
Tijeras, United States

Why you?
The words rattle through me like two blue marbles in a wooden box.

I’m taken back to a year and a half ago. My sister driving us home through the city as the sun set. I was crying over you, again.
And she asked me “What is it about this boy that got you so wrapped around his finger?”
I have no more of an answer for you now than I had for her then. So

Why you?
I feel like the longer it’s been the more I understand that I never actually knew you at all.

Three weeks ago, Jackie and I sit across from Nora at a Village Inn. It’s dark out and three slices of pie sit in the table between us. I learn things about you this night- learn things about then that make me almost believe I...

GOLDFISH LOVE
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July 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I
Was
Never
Enough
For
You
You told me that

You
Didn’t
Use
Words
You didn’t have to

You
Chose
Her
I forgave you then

You
Still
Left
Me
Behind
I was a fool for a time

You
Were
Happy
With
A
New
Girl
I guess that’s over now

I
Guess
You
Are
Just
Lonely
Now
And I’m an old comfort ?

He
Chooses
Me
I didn’t have to wait

He
Tells
Me
I’m
Beautiful
I tell him he’s precious

He
Wants
To
Spend
Time
With
Me
I give him every moment I can.

Can
You
Blame
Me
?
For ignoring my humming heart?

I
Know
I
Can
Trust
Him
Would I ever trust you?

STARS
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July 11, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

My heart used to
Scream
For you
Agony dripping from
Every syllable.
The screams became
Shouts
Bearing an
Ever-present hoarseness.
Shouts turned into
Calls
Echoing in a
Lonely melody of melancholy.
Next, it
Spoke
Gently, coaxing
Hope fading.
Finally, it
Whispered
In it’s quiet pain.
Now, it
Hums
Softly, aching dully.

And there’s a new
Voice
Louder than
Yours.

ANGEL BREATHING
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July 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I spent so long
Bleeding over
It’s razor edge
Took so much
Care as it cut
Wounds deep
And plentiful.
Slowly, oh, so
Very, very slowly
It began to dull.
The edges lost
Their sting and it
Began to shine
In the dim light
Of the flickering,
Shrinking candle.
Caressing it
Oh so lovingly
Through the years
Of pain as
The rooms light
Gently faded.
But the
“What if”
Was not mine
To love.
It is to be left
For the next
Dreamer to hold-
For I have long-
Since given up
The heavy burden.
My dreamers
Eyes lost their
Light
Lost their wonder
Lost their hope.
Hope is for the
Dreamer
Hope is for the
Fool
“What ifs”
Are for those
That keep a
Stubborn grip
On things beyond
Their reach
Thi...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
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July 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Are we built
To fall in love
Only once?
Did I use up
All I had
At such a tender age?
Am I doomed
To simply
“get along”
With every new attempt?

It’s raining.
Not inside-
It’s empty in there.
Outside-
The thunder roars
The lightning claps-
Yada yada yada.
It does all
In it’s design,
All as it should.

I love the rain.
It drips onto me
Into me
Intimacy.
I get to love
The rain
Again and again.
He wanders far
He leaves until
The earth must give
A fiery shout
Through it’s parched lips.
Then he returns,
Life bursting in his wake
He washes the dust from the trees
And soothes the burning ground.
And I relearn joy.
I relearn love.
I relearn passion
And bravery.
He shows me how to be
Fierce...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
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June 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Over the past three years, I've been on dates with nearly a dozen boys.
Some of them even managed to last multiple weeks.
I dressed up.
I flirted.
I kissed.
I tried to make myself feel something for these boys.
They have been cute.
They have been kind.
They have been funny.
They have been adventurous.
They have been intelligent.
They have been perfectly ideal, really.
Yet.
I kept waiting for the feelings to come.
The butterflies.
The excitement.
The adoring.
And I've liked them. I have.
But.
It's not right.
It's never been right.
Not since you.
Right now, his name is Aaron; it was Logan, Marcos, Michael, Williem, Caleb, Orion, Louie, Tyler.... and more I cannot even nam...

ENDLESS STARS
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Goofy smiles
Silly jokes
Laughter.
He's funny
Cute.
A real
Cutie pie.

He warned me
"Don't get attached"
I laughed.

Can I tell him
"I feel nothing"
And laugh?

I told him
"I'm emotionally unavailable"
He said
"Me too"

I remain
Unattached.
I still feel
Nothing.
Does he know?
Does he care?

What
Am
I
Doing
?

DARK NIGHT
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I replay
His kiss
I feel
His touch-
Passionate.
Hot
And
Heady.
I can
Almost
Lose myself
In him.
My heart
Pounds
In the heat
Almost lost
In the
Moment.

Almost.

SPACE DUST
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

The night grows long
I know
Because
I turned
To you.
My mind led the way
My fingers
Typed
The
Path.

Sneaking

Wondering

Missing  

Did
I
Make
A
Mistake?
Pushing
You
Away
?

FOLLOW YOUR HEART
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April 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

My momma used to
Tell me
To keep certain body parts to
Myself.
They were for me alone.
Inappropriate
Was her grown-up word.
My momma used to
Warn me
About those untrustworthy
Older boys.
I was smart- I understood
Inappropriate,
I would scream if they tried.

She said we should
Play house.
She pulled me under the
Covers.
Alone.
For
Months.
We were little girls
We had play dates.
Play.
We played with
Our bodies.
But didn't I know better?
Hadn't I been taught?
But.
Older
Boys
Didn't sound like
Younger
Girl.
Not when life
Experience
Was limited to just
Six years.

I never told
My mother.
Her warning
Didn't
Protect me.

VISIONS
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January 11, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I thought that

Cutting ties

Would set me

Free.

But you are still

Caught

In these tangled

Heart strings.

STARS
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December 26, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

It's time to say goodbye,
It's time to let go,
Its time to move on,
wouldn't you say so?

It's time to stop.
To stop searching for your name.
To stop pretending we're "friends"
To stop imaging we're the same.

I won't keep following you
Like a puppy,
Hoping for a treat.
I won't keep praying
That by chance,
We'll meet.

I'm not gonna wait.
I'm not gonna wonder.
I've stopped believing WE are fate.
My love, simply a blunder.

Yes, it hurts.
But, sometimes,
We have to hurt
In order to heal.

I'm ripping off the band-aid.
I'm abandoning my crutch.
I'm done being played
Done hurting so much.

It's time to say goodbye,
It's time to let go,
Its time to move on,
wouldn't you say so...

HAPPY 2019
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December 11, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

"True love conquers all"
Indeed.
In truly loving you,
While you truly love her,

I have been conquered.

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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October 2, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

I'll give you my love-
You must be warned
I don't love gentle
I love like a storm.

I'll give you my love
If you stand there and ask
I don't love gentle
You must love me hard back

If you stand there and ask
I'll give you every piece I have
You must love me hard back
There can be no halves.

I'll give you every piece I have
I'll pour my all into you
There can be no halves
I will soak you through.

I'll pour my all into you
Let my rain fall
I will soak you through
If you stand tall.

Let my rain fall
In furious waves
If you stand tall
If you stand brave.

In furious waves
I'll crash down
If you stand brave
I know you won't drown.

I'll crash down
Inescapable as thunder
I know you...

ASPHALT GREY
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September 29, 2018
 

I reflect on memories
I look back on "me"s
Who was that girl?
It's like a mural...
No, more of a mosaic
Even a little formulaic
All these tiny pieces
Creating a larger thesis
An ever changing image
Set up on a stage.
I can see her
If I flip through the theatre.
I know my history
If I take the time to see.
And yet, I see a stranger
Waking into danger.
And I cannot stop watching
Nor can I stop her botching
Up our future
Caught on your lure.
She was so pure.
So fragile and unsure.
She was afraid
But much less jaded.
She found hope
Learned how to cope.
She tried to plan
But found nowhere to stand.

I wonder is she
Would even recognize me?
I know
Something, though.
She loved you...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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September 28, 2018
 

My eyes have glazed
My sight is unseeing.
Nothing can phase
This damaged being.

My skin has grown cold
My body lost its warmth.
Things can't be told
Once transformed.

My mind has wandered
My thoughts not my own.
Unable to ponder
Truths I am shown.

My soul has darkened
My spirit lies in shadow.
Past crimes unpardoned,
I lost my glow.

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ASPHALT GREY
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September 28, 2018
 

I wander
Fighting to feel

I watch
Searching for sight

I wound
Attempting to heal

I wait
Knowing nothing's coming

I waver
Blowing through time

I waft
Seeking for scents

I wage
Losing my bets

I weigh
Never measuring up

I whistle
Wind in tunnels

I wake
While I sleep

I weave
Out of myself

I will
While not knowing

I whim
Trying to plan

I win
Only to lose

I wonder
Wanting to know

I wish
Never to have

I wipe
Only to smudge

I wring
Staying too dry

I whisper
No one hears

I whittle
Seeing nothing become.

I want
Knowing I cannot

I wizened
Staying so stupid

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HELLO AUTUMN
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July 26, 2018
 

Hey
I just had to find a way.
I just had to say
Happy Birthday.
And I hope you may
Find joy today,
Joy to stay
And be a sunshine's ray
In every way
Everyday.

             - A mess of a heart with your name still etched in blood.

WINDOW FUN
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