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Denae

PO# 532680
United States
United States
I only know how to write what I feel.
August 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I so nearly loosed
the words from my lips
they prowl now,
caged in my mind
restless
from their brief glimpse
of freedom
they tasted your mouth
as your breath collided with mine
how long can they last?
pacing, panting in my eyes
as I ignore their
agitated cries
what will it take?
to earn their release
from their transparent prison?
I’ve locked them away
Fear holds the key
seeking Courage
as his knuckles whiten
on the small brass instrument
but
even if he finds him
what meaning will they bear?
those three small syllables
carrying such weight
just how strong
are they?
I can see them
baring their teeth and
snarling unhappily
but I cannot seem
to read their intentions

LET'S FALL IN LOVE
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August 2, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

The first time I saw you
You were not you
At all.
A gangly, goofy knight.
A sly cat.
You were known to me
Only through others.
I was, perhaps,
Completely unknown
To you.

The second time
You were simply
A pale face
Over my sisters shoulder.
The school gym was dark
The music was loud
Here, we had an introduction.
Maybe you liked
My sister
Maybe she
Liked you.
“... the shape of a man in a crumpled brown suit. He had gingerish hair and a pale, unhappy face.”

Next, it was Valentines Day
You gave me a
Lollipop and a pick-up line
“Are you Willy Wonka’s daughter?
‘Cause you’re sweet!”
As you wandered
The courtyard,
Friends, and more lollipops in tow.

In that classroom,
The follow...

STARS
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July 25, 2019
Tijeras, United States

Why you?
The words rattle through me like two blue marbles in a wooden box.

I’m taken back to a year and a half ago. My sister driving us home through the city as the sun set. I was crying over you, again.
And she asked me “What is it about this boy that got you so wrapped around his finger?”
I have no more of an answer for you now than I had for her then. So

Why you?
I feel like the longer it’s been the more I understand that I never actually knew you at all.

Three weeks ago, Jackie and I sit across from Nora at a Village Inn. It’s dark out and three slices of pie sit in the table between us. I learn things about you this night- learn things about then that make me almost believe I...

GOLDFISH LOVE
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July 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I
Was
Never
Enough
For
You
You told me that

You
Didn’t
Use
Words
You didn’t have to

You
Chose
Her
I forgave you then

You
Still
Left
Me
Behind
I was a fool for a time

You
Were
Happy
With
A
New
Girl
I guess that’s over now

I
Guess
You
Are
Just
Lonely
Now
And I’m an old comfort ?

He
Chooses
Me
I didn’t have to wait

He
Tells
Me
I’m
Beautiful
I tell him he’s precious

He
Wants
To
Spend
Time
With
Me
I give him every moment I can.

Can
You
Blame
Me
?
For ignoring my humming heart?

I
Know
I
Can
Trust
Him
Would I ever trust you?

STARS
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July 11, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

My heart used to
Scream
For you
Agony dripping from
Every syllable.
The screams became
Shouts
Bearing an
Ever-present hoarseness.
Shouts turned into
Calls
Echoing in a
Lonely melody of melancholy.
Next, it
Spoke
Gently, coaxing
Hope fading.
Finally, it
Whispered
In it’s quiet pain.
Now, it
Hums
Softly, aching dully.

And there’s a new
Voice
Louder than
Yours.

ANGEL BREATHING
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July 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I spent so long
Bleeding over
It’s razor edge
Took so much
Care as it cut
Wounds deep
And plentiful.
Slowly, oh, so
Very, very slowly
It began to dull.
The edges lost
Their sting and it
Began to shine
In the dim light
Of the flickering,
Shrinking candle.
Caressing it
Oh so lovingly
Through the years
Of pain as
The rooms light
Gently faded.
But the
“What if”
Was not mine
To love.
It is to be left
For the next
Dreamer to hold-
For I have long-
Since given up
The heavy burden.
My dreamers
Eyes lost their
Light
Lost their wonder
Lost their hope.
Hope is for the
Dreamer
Hope is for the
Fool
“What ifs”
Are for those
That keep a
Stubborn grip
On things beyond
Their reach
Thi...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
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July 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Are we built
To fall in love
Only once?
Did I use up
All I had
At such a tender age?
Am I doomed
To simply
“get along”
With every new attempt?

It’s raining.
Not inside-
It’s empty in there.
Outside-
The thunder roars
The lightning claps-
Yada yada yada.
It does all
In it’s design,
All as it should.

I love the rain.
It drips onto me
Into me
Intimacy.
I get to love
The rain
Again and again.
He wanders far
He leaves until
The earth must give
A fiery shout
Through it’s parched lips.
Then he returns,
Life bursting in his wake
He washes the dust from the trees
And soothes the burning ground.
And I relearn joy.
I relearn love.
I relearn passion
And bravery.
He shows me how to be
Fierce...

WORLD WATERCOLOR MONTH
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June 7, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Over the past three years, I've been on dates with nearly a dozen boys.
Some of them even managed to last multiple weeks.
I dressed up.
I flirted.
I kissed.
I tried to make myself feel something for these boys.
They have been cute.
They have been kind.
They have been funny.
They have been adventurous.
They have been intelligent.
They have been perfectly ideal, really.
Yet.
I kept waiting for the feelings to come.
The butterflies.
The excitement.
The adoring.
And I've liked them. I have.
But.
It's not right.
It's never been right.
Not since you.
Right now, his name is Aaron; it was Logan, Marcos, Michael, Williem, Caleb, Orion, Louie, Tyler.... and more I cannot even nam...

ENDLESS STARS
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

Goofy smiles
Silly jokes
Laughter.
He's funny
Cute.
A real
Cutie pie.

He warned me
"Don't get attached"
I laughed.

Can I tell him
"I feel nothing"
And laugh?

I told him
"I'm emotionally unavailable"
He said
"Me too"

I remain
Unattached.
I still feel
Nothing.
Does he know?
Does he care?

What
Am
I
Doing
?

DARK NIGHT
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I replay
His kiss
I feel
His touch-
Passionate.
Hot
And
Heady.
I can
Almost
Lose myself
In him.
My heart
Pounds
In the heat
Almost lost
In the
Moment.

Almost.

SPACE DUST
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May 12, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

The night grows long
I know
Because
I turned
To you.
My mind led the way
My fingers
Typed
The
Path.

Sneaking

Wondering

Missing  

Did
I
Make
A
Mistake?
Pushing
You
Away
?

FOLLOW YOUR HEART
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April 18, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

My momma used to
Tell me
To keep certain body parts to
Myself.
They were for me alone.
Inappropriate
Was her grown-up word.
My momma used to
Warn me
About those untrustworthy
Older boys.
I was smart- I understood
Inappropriate,
I would scream if they tried.

She said we should
Play house.
She pulled me under the
Covers.
Alone.
For
Months.
We were little girls
We had play dates.
Play.
We played with
Our bodies.
But didn't I know better?
Hadn't I been taught?
But.
Older
Boys
Didn't sound like
Younger
Girl.
Not when life
Experience
Was limited to just
Six years.

I never told
My mother.
Her warning
Didn't
Protect me.

VISIONS
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January 11, 2019
Albuquerque, United States

I thought that

Cutting ties

Would set me

Free.

But you are still

Caught

In these tangled

Heart strings.

STARS
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December 26, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

It's time to say goodbye,
It's time to let go,
Its time to move on,
wouldn't you say so?

It's time to stop.
To stop searching for your name.
To stop pretending we're "friends"
To stop imaging we're the same.

I won't keep following you
Like a puppy,
Hoping for a treat.
I won't keep praying
That by chance,
We'll meet.

I'm not gonna wait.
I'm not gonna wonder.
I've stopped believing WE are fate.
My love, simply a blunder.

Yes, it hurts.
But, sometimes,
We have to hurt
In order to heal.

I'm ripping off the band-aid.
I'm abandoning my crutch.
I'm done being played
Done hurting so much.

It's time to say goodbye,
It's time to let go,
Its time to move on,
wouldn't you say so...

HAPPY 2019
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December 11, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

"True love conquers all"
Indeed.
In truly loving you,
While you truly love her,

I have been conquered.

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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October 2, 2018
Albuquerque, United States

I'll give you my love-
You must be warned
I don't love gentle
I love like a storm.

I'll give you my love
If you stand there and ask
I don't love gentle
You must love me hard back

If you stand there and ask
I'll give you every piece I have
You must love me hard back
There can be no halves.

I'll give you every piece I have
I'll pour my all into you
There can be no halves
I will soak you through.

I'll pour my all into you
Let my rain fall
I will soak you through
If you stand tall.

Let my rain fall
In furious waves
If you stand tall
If you stand brave.

In furious waves
I'll crash down
If you stand brave
I know you won't drown.

I'll crash down
Inescapable as thunder
I know you...

ASPHALT GREY
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September 29, 2018
 

I reflect on memories
I look back on "me"s
Who was that girl?
It's like a mural...
No, more of a mosaic
Even a little formulaic
All these tiny pieces
Creating a larger thesis
An ever changing image
Set up on a stage.
I can see her
If I flip through the theatre.
I know my history
If I take the time to see.
And yet, I see a stranger
Waking into danger.
And I cannot stop watching
Nor can I stop her botching
Up our future
Caught on your lure.
She was so pure.
So fragile and unsure.
She was afraid
But much less jaded.
She found hope
Learned how to cope.
She tried to plan
But found nowhere to stand.

I wonder is she
Would even recognize me?
I know
Something, though.
She loved you...

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
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September 28, 2018
 

My eyes have glazed
My sight is unseeing.
Nothing can phase
This damaged being.

My skin has grown cold
My body lost its warmth.
Things can't be told
Once transformed.

My mind has wandered
My thoughts not my own.
Unable to ponder
Truths I am shown.

My soul has darkened
My spirit lies in shadow.
Past crimes unpardoned,
I lost my glow.

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ASPHALT GREY
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September 28, 2018
 

I wander
Fighting to feel

I watch
Searching for sight

I wound
Attempting to heal

I wait
Knowing nothing's coming

I waver
Blowing through time

I waft
Seeking for scents

I wage
Losing my bets

I weigh
Never measuring up

I whistle
Wind in tunnels

I wake
While I sleep

I weave
Out of myself

I will
While not knowing

I whim
Trying to plan

I win
Only to lose

I wonder
Wanting to know

I wish
Never to have

I wipe
Only to smudge

I wring
Staying too dry

I whisper
No one hears

I whittle
Seeing nothing become.

I want
Knowing I cannot

I wizened
Staying so stupid

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HELLO AUTUMN
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July 26, 2018
 

Hey
I just had to find a way.
I just had to say
Happy Birthday.
And I hope you may
Find joy today,
Joy to stay
And be a sunshine's ray
In every way
Everyday.

             - A mess of a heart with your name still etched in blood.

WINDOW FUN
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January 30, 2018
 

It was oh, so dumb
And I am completely numb.
And yet, I cannot regret
This secret I've kept.
You were warm and oh, so present
Me, enfolded in your familiar scent.
So lost in that eternal moment
So found in that fleeting content.
Had I ever been so at peace?
Not before, nor since the cease.
So perfect, it could've been a dream
Us, beneath the glowing moonbeam.
Your heart beneath my hand
Your lips an undeniable demand.
It all so perfectly unplanned
It all so exquisitely grand.
Something inside broken free
Could I even be recognized as me?
Caught in the eye of an internal storm
All my reason breaking form.
It's a calm like I'd never known
A calm I had never been shown
As I spend my time ...

STARS
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January 24, 2018
 

What the hell have you done to me?
Why can't I get better?
There was never even a "we"
Yet, I still see us together.

And now, there's someone new
He's cute and funny and smart.
The problem? He's not you
And my heart will not restart.

It's so unfair
He's just what I need.
He actually cares-
You just make me bleed.

For so long
I've been your captive.
My bonds are less strong
But my chest is still inactive.

No. That's not quite right.
Because it does still feel
No matter how I fight
I'm still caught on your reel

He is all that he should be-
He should make my heart pound.
He should be all I see
But you still have me spellbound.

I am all out of ideas
All out of...

LOVE LETTERS
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January 17, 2018
 

This chill seeps deeper than the skin
Colder than I've ever been.
Even all the energy of the sun
Could not stop what has more than begun.
I'm already all too far past numb
Past the hope of help to come.
There is nothing left to save
No matter how strong or how brave
Any potential savior is-
My life will be gone as well as his.
I'm past the point of no return
So frozen I'm beginning to burn.

Best to keep your distance, to stay away
And not risk it all on a girl that's dead anyway.

STARS
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January 6, 2018
 

My hands shake and my breath quivers
I feel my heart pound and my body wrack with shivers.
Words fail.
How to tell this tale?
Oh how words fail.
Call me the epitome of the Fail Whale.
"No" falls so easily from my lips,
It's the inclination to say "yes" that deprives me of my quips.
So, if you can forgive me for being a juvenile mess-
The answer I have to give is yes.

WHALE
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January 6, 2018
 

7.4 billion people in the world
Not a single one had to be told
Though not all of us can be bold.
The feeling, the flicker, it starts small
Before you know it, you cannot contain it at all
It's something about the experience, the fall.
All of these relationships
Meaning more than hips-on-hips
More than lips-to-lips.
It's the beating of the heart
Not a simple stop and start
No- it will never depart.
The fire burns within
Everlasting, through thick and thin
Everything to lose, everything to win.
Beautiful and oh, so tragic
A mess of unchecked magic
And oh, so easily turned manic.
A sweet, paradoxical force
Our thumping hearts the source
A source we rip and tear
Bleeding whi...

ROARING FIRE
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January 5, 2018
 

I figured it out.
You don't want me to move on.
You want me as the trout.
To be played as a pawn.
Your hook still deep,
Your control still complete.
Me, as a thing you keep.
Me, a part of your fleet.
One tug, and I'm back to the surface.
One nudge, and I'm back to the past.
Floundering and gasping without purchase,
A simple piece to be where you cast.
A fish you pretended to release,
A piece you pretended was the queen.
But I can never find any peace,
Stuck as a cog in the machine.
What I can't get is the why?
What is there to gain?
You don't want what I have to supply-
That's been made clear in my pain.

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TROUT
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December 8, 2017
 

The butterflies more than flutter-
I scarcely know the words I utter.
You smile so charmingly,
So utterly disarming me.
You close some distance between us
And it doesn't take a genius
To see what's happening
To see the heart you're capturing.
And yet, you, I cannot read.
Is there a sprout, or even a seed
Of the affection that afflicts me?
How I long to know what you see.
Perhaps, indeed, that I am a mess?
Oh, please, think not that I am less!
The goal, for now, is that you see my best,
And that you laugh when I make a jest.
I have been broken for so long
But there's something about the way we get along.
Everything about you makes me grin
Maybe I can let myself feel again?
...

LIVE ONCE
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August 8, 2017
 

I may not be over you.
Honestly,
I may not ever be over you.
But, I think that finally-
Finally,
I may be moving on.
At last,
I may be moving on from you.

MOVEMENT
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July 23, 2017
 

I love Jane Austen.
Unfortunately,
Along with all her satire and wit,
She taught me something preposterous.
She taught me to hope against all sanity
That the person I love
Loves me back.
She gave me insipid courage.
Courage to hold on to loving.
Loving someone.
Someone that doesn't love me back.

ANGEL OF PASSION
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July 23, 2017
 

Of course she gave him another chance.
She fell in love with him.

LOVE IS...
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