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Denae

PO# 532680
United States
United States
I only know how to write what I feel.
October 20, 2016
 

You've rubbed my heart raw
I seem to be wearing thin.
But, you see, there is no law
Against changing your mind on a whim.
All this time I've played the fool
And stared the hundreds of miles your way.
I've been trying to play it cool,
But, now my emotions will have their say.
You, sir, are the puppet master,
I, controlled by a pull on the string.
You tug and lead me to disaster,
I, the lowly slave to you, the King.
And you, you couldn't care less,
I am a silly little insect
You, the boy with a magnifying glass.
Ich muss seine schlecht,
Aber ich will nicht.
And you crop up everywhere
I am a little ticked
That I mentioned you in Shakespeare
Though you've long moved past me.
I'm stil...

REFRESHING FRUIT
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October 11, 2016
 

98%
My beautiful, magical number.
98%
The number you irrevocably tainted that day.
98%
Sure our slow dance in the parking lot stopped time.
98%
Positive it was a bad idea.
98%
Sure I desperately wanted that kiss.
98%
Certain you and I both still feel the crash 'we' took that day.
98%
Leaning towards it was worth it.

And, Darling, I'm
98.9%
Still in love with you.

... tell me about the other 2%...

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BUD THAT BLOOMS
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October 7, 2016
 

You may notice our covered bruises
Or our skittish personalities.
You may notice our brightly coloured sweaters
Or our bright smiles.
You may notice our hushed voices
Or the lies we tell.
You may notice the eloquent way we speak
Or how meaningful your words are to us.
You may notice the stench of alcohol and drugs hanging on our clothes
Or the dark circles beneath our eyes.
You may notice our attentive stares
Or the respectful distance we stand from you.
You may notice our quiet crying
Or that we feel like dying.
...but, if anyone asks, tell them we're fine.

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DARK DEPTHS
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October 5, 2016
 

      My time with you has gotten my heart hooked. Hooked on your scent. Hooked on the way you make me feel.
     I have been trying to make time and distance be a sufficient treatment. But just when I begin to find my way out of the entanglement of you, I find myself relapsing, fighting my way back to you.
    For you, I have lost my self-control- my heart is insatiable without you. I've been infected with an irresistible craving for you. I am caught up in this disease of longing for you.

     You are the drug to which my heart is addicted.

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FACE MELT
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September 29, 2016
 

... Continued...

   "How's school going?" He asked, a little awkwardly.
    "It's fine. I mean, you know, it's school." She stared into the depths of the rich brown cocoa in front of Her, Her cold fingers warming themselves on the cup. She felt the loss of their past easiness like a tangible substance in the air, could taste the palpable tension that seemed to embrace them. How has they come to this? Everything used to be so simple, conversation had flowed without a second thought. They had once been so comfortable in each other's company.
     She dared a look at His face and found His attention focused on Her. Those eyes. Those icy eyes that held so much warmth. Those piercing eyes that ...

ORIGINAL
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September 28, 2016
 

     Continued...

     That night, even though She knew better, She had to go and torment herself some more; She asked Him, again, about the occurrences that led Him to His current relationship.

     The story was that His ex had shown up at His door one day, telling Him that she still cared for Him (even though their relationship had been a bad on-again off-again type mess). His ex had been there for Him during some tough times, and He felt that His ex deserved another chance. They had been talking for about a month when they struck the relationship back up – and they had begun dating about a month ago.

   ‘So, two months’. She could feel herself shaking with an emotion somewhere betwee...

ORIGINAL
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September 28, 2016
 

Continued...

      Her body wracked with sobs, Her tears smudging mascara on Her pillow while She was shrouded in darkness. There was one question that still plagued Her; how had He even ended back up with His ex? And, why? She just couldn't understand. She had believed that there was something between them.

      In a moment of courage brought on by the lateness of the hour, She quickly typed out Her question and hit send before She could rethink it. It was a while before He replied. It said, very simply, "Good night, sweet dreams.” She turned furious. How dare he? First, He completely ignored Her question, secondly, sweet dreams? How was She supposed to sleep in the state She was in?! She...

ORIGINAL
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September 27, 2016
 

      Continued...
...Rewind...
    
     After the show, They stood together while the chaperones rounded up the rest of the crew. She had begun to shiver violently in the cold night air.

     “Do you want my jacket?" He offered.

     She smirked and said, "Chivalry is dead." Or – no. No, She did neither of those things, instead, She simply said, "No, I'm OK." Even though She was freezing.

      He continue to offer and She continued to refuse until, eventually, He placed it around Her shoulders anyway. She stiffened, but didn't resist. How could She? Despite His leaving Her, She loved Him. She still wanted Him.

      On the trip back, She cried silently. He sat next to Her and watched....

ORIGINAL
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September 27, 2016
 

... Continued...

"I'm sorry."
"I know."

    She stared into the cup in front of Her, not daring to meet His eyes.  This moment was all too reminiscent of another time. Another them. A time before She had known how much danger She had been in. The danger of falling for Him. Now, She knew. She knew how easy it could be. How one look from Him, one word, and She would find herself sliding back into those emotions, She would find herself falling once again.
  She noticed a piece of Her hair hanging down in the side of Her vision. Her dirty blond hair was hanging in a crimped mass. She had kept Her hair in two French braids the day before to give Her naturally pin-straight hair its current loo...

ORIGINAL
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September 25, 2016
 

Continued...
... Rewind...
June 28
   
     She could stand it no longer, "I told you not to read it." She told Him in a quiet, broken voice. He said nothing. Anxiety began to overwhelm Her, and Her breaths shortened to gasps. Tears welled in Her eyes and the words on the page began to blur. No. She told herself. You have to keep it together. She carefully tried to control Her breathing – and then the shivering started. It wasn't constant, but every couple of minutes or so, Her whole body would begin to violently tremble. And He noticed.

     "Hey, are you okay?" She saw concern in His vivid blue eyes and heard it in His voice.

     Was She okay? Was She okay!? How could He even ask that!...

ORIGINAL
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September 23, 2016
 

...Continued...

"I hate you"
"I know"

   For a long moment, She simply clung to Him, breathing in His familiar scent. She had missed Him so much, in spite of their messy history. Her throat began to tighten and She worried She would cry. She willed herself to hold it together, so when She pulled back, all She had to account for was a small sniffle She hoped She could attribute to the cold weather.
     She looked up to see His eyes searching Her face, almost as if He could read Her thoughts. As if He knew how affected She still was.  His cool coloured eyes held a concern and regard for Her. Those beautiful eyes that she had always been apt to praise for their beauty.
      Knowing how much...

ORIGINAL
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September 22, 2016
 

      Continued...

...Rewind...
June 28th...
    
      Her gut twisted as realization sunk in. He had a girlfriend. Her heart sped to an irregular rhythm as She tried to act peppy. “Oh, do I know her?” She asked brightly.
        "No I don't think so." He responded, not meeting Her eye. Did He seem suddenly uncomfortable, or was She imagining it?

     "For sure?" She asked, smiling at Him.

     "Yeah, I'm pretty positive." He replied, blandly.

     "Never mind reading what I wrote." She told him.

     "What do you mean?" He asked, clearly perplexed.

     "What I posted on lettrs. You really shouldn't read it." Her breathing started coming in shallower.

     "What? Why?" His curiosi...

ORIGINAL
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September 21, 2016
 

        Her heart stopped at the sight of Him. She felt the cool air tease at the hair around Her face. Fall was coming to an end and the icy Winter was beginning to set in. But the cold that She felt was not the kind that Her thick sweater and fluffy silver scarf could keep out. It wasn't the kind of cold that was making Her breath puff out in front of Her. No. This was a cold of a different sort, the kind that moved through Her blood and made Her shiver at the sight of Him.
       After five long months, there He was.
       She took in the gloves on His hands and pushed the memories that they held away. Her chest rose in a deep, steadying breath and She observed His wavy, reddish-brown h...

ORIGINAL
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September 19, 2016
 

  I remember sitting next to you.
I remember standing by your side
I remember the laughter that would ensue.
I remember the secrets we would confide.
I remember your scent
When we would get close.
I remember the time spent
When I loved you the most.
I remember the thoughts
That would run through my head.
I remember the moments we fought
Every word that was said.  
I remember the moments
Of enticing bliss.
I remember time being frozen
At our kiss.
I remember how life was
When we spent it together.
I remember, because
Forever was my endeavor.

I remember, you see.

I remember you.

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MARTHA LUCIA
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September 15, 2016
 

Sometimes,
We have to be reminded
Of things that we know
Because we know them
So well
We forget.

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RUMA ZAIDI
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September 14, 2016
 

It's ridiculous.
It ought to be impossible.
And yet,
Here a am.
One loving two
My heart split.
My traitorous heart that seems to mock me.
"You made a mistake."
It whispers.
"You are just as bad as he."
It snarls.
"You will always miss Love's timing."
It taunts.
My wild, fragile, stubborn, torn apart heart
That can't seem to stay my own.
This silly heart that see's one that my head gave up
See's them with another
See's and hurts.
The silly thing.

"You have no right."
My head chastises.

"It doesn't matter, I'm jealous."
My heart whines.

"That Love could be mine. It was."
My heart skulks.

"Yes, and you gave up that Love.
So, enough."
Is my heads sharp reply.

"Okay. I'll just...

FACE MELT
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September 11, 2016
 

    What I want from you
Is something you could never do.
I want for you to turn back time
To when you were mine.
I want for you to choose me
Choose the us that now can never be.
I want for you to understand how I feel.
How thoughts of you make my mind reel.
I want for you to be here
But that is also something I fear.
I want for you to want me
Only because, you see,
A part of me still belongs to you
And wanting you is something I do.

   For a bit, I thought I was better,
But, if I was, I wouldn't be writing this letter.

   I find you befuddling.
Your words and actions muddling.
So, what? You care?
What do you want to do about that there?
Do you want for us to be together?
Or a...

FIND PEACE
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September 10, 2016
 

     I met a thief and he stole my heart, but by the time I realized I wanted him to have it, he had decided it was trash.
      Once upon a time, I gave my heart away. But when I tried to take it back, it was torn and bruised and the boy that had held it still had a piece.
      I learned how fragile our little hearts are and that that it ought to be protected. So, I safeguarded my heart in all the ways I could, with walls and locks and thorns and even my own alarm system. No one would be able to reach it, and I wouldn't be giving it up.
     But, then, you came along. And, I didn't even think of my locked away heart. I had no idea you had any want for it. And when you did tell me as much...

CITYSCAPE
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September 1, 2016
 

I am a mess.
From my long, golden tresses of hair, to my stubby feet.
Every action and reaction.
Every thought and every word I speak.
Every part of me proclaims the mess that I am for those that spend long enough to see me.
Because most days my hair is contained and my toes shod in shoes, people look no farther.
They take a glance and continue on their way.
But for those that stick around, there is more.
There is the side of me that drops everything.
The side of me that trips on air.
The side that is the last to understand the punchline of the joke.
The side that has a mess of emotions and struggles to deal with them.
The side that goes out to play in rain and runs back in later ...

INK WOMAN
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August 31, 2016
 

I still dream of you.
No matter how much I push you away.
It's you I taste on every Kiss I eat.
It's your face in the sunset.
I see your hand on my school pencils.
It's your photograph of the stars as I gaze up at night.
It's your beautiful eyes as I read my favorite book.
I am completely ruined.

DARK AND STRIPED
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August 21, 2016
 

I don't think you ever knew
How much you meant to me.
And I'm sorry  
For that.

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BARNEY
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August 15, 2016
 

Love. For Real.

'Just ask me out!' She inwardly screamed, as she watched him grin in a way that she adored.
'Show me definitive evidence that you're interested' His mind whispered to her as he silently listened to her laughter that lit up his day.
'Why won't you make a move?' They wondered at each other.
'He told me he has feelings for me.' As she watched what she thought to be his elegant profile, secretly.
'I'm sure, she must return my feelings.' As he stole countless glances at her effortless beauty.
'I love you.' They only dared to think, breathless with the notion.
'Why won't he act on them?' A fearful voice asked, as they sat, alone.
'No, of course she doesn't.' He resignedly t...

ORIGAMI
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August 11, 2016
 

I hate how much you mean to me.
I hate how much I care.
I hate that every breath I take is breathing without air. I've told myself that I hate you. But, really, I hate me. I hate the way I feel. I hate myself for holding on. I hate myself for forgiving you. I hate the way that I understand you. I hate that I have been there. I hate myself for wanting you, for ignoring what I know. I hate myself for falling for you. I hate myself for not letting go. I've lost count of the times I've muttered, "I hate you" under my breath when seeing anything about you. I hate myself for not believing me. I hate the way I seek you. I hate that my subconscious turns to you, that I cannot trust sleep. Yes, anot...

ORIGAMI
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August 11, 2016
 

It's still you.
Even after all I've been through.
I miss your presence.
I long for your essence.
My mind turns your way
Every moment of every day.
For a brief time, I'll think I'm free
But the truth is- any fool can see
That I am still in love,
And still praying to above
That you will turn my way-
I still have things to say.

But, you? You're silent.
And I don't mean for this to turn violent
But I need you to acknowledge me
Because I can't handle this avoidancy.
I imagine that by happenstance
I will run into you by chance.
And that even as you turn from me
I will turn to you.
So all the world can see
That my head and heart- the two
It's true-
They belong to you.
My arms will wrap...

ORIGAMI
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August 2, 2016
 

The Desert Dweller and the                 Rain

     The heat from the asphalt seeped into her through the soles of her bare feet as the icy drops of rain slapped into her fair skin. Her mossy dress clung to her damp legs. She lifted her pale face to the sky, her eyes fluttering closed. Beads of rain clumped inter her eyelashes and her hair hung in a wet mass around her face and down her back. The world lit up in a brilliant white light for a single moment before a clap of thunder roared so forcefully she could feel the vibrations in her narrow chest. A mischievous grin lit her face as she lifted her feet in quick succession and began to pump her arms, she breathed out a joyful laugh as she ...

LIGHTNING
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July 27, 2016
 


We were too used to the games that we played- Neither one of us could work up the courage.
We were so full of half truths,
We didn't know how to finish them.

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BANKSY SWING
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July 22, 2016
 

  I can't help but laugh
At the insipidity of our situation.
We haven't spoken since,
Since you insulted and assaulted me.
There has been not a word since Christmas Eve.
You had two children that graduated- from high school and college.
I was at both, for my brother and sister.
I caught glimpses of you at both
But we were both avoiding one another.
And now, after all this time.
I get the gifts from you.
The Christmas gifts that were already bought.
I am certain that it was simply because you needed to clean out as you move.
I mean, I didn't get so much as a "happy birthday" message last month, so it can't be that you care.
.........

What now?

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ORIGINAL
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July 20, 2016
 

In my minds eye
I see your hand
Your beautiful, musician hand
I see your long, elegant fingers
Your slender wrist
Your curved palm up
Up, facing the sky.
Your dainty fingers curled
Curled, ever so gently.
And I want my hand in yours.
I want to grasp it
Grasp it, the way I didn't that day.
I want to hold on to that perfectly sculpted hand,
I want to never let it go.
Let you go.
I wish I never let you go.
I wish I had that lovely hand settled in mine.

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MELODIC ROSE
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July 19, 2016
 

Love is so difficult to define
But, I know, it has been mine.
So, what is love?
Other than something dreamed of?
To each person, it is something new,
Something different that makes it true.
To me?
It is the way I see the world
The way the sky is swirled
And I want to
Share it with you.
And when I see something beautiful
Only with you, will I seem full.
And when there is a moment when I am happy-
Does it seem sappy?
That I wish for you at my side,
Only then, can I be satisfied.
Or, anytime I am crying
It is with you that I want to be lying.
And if, in any way, I am upset
Your presence is where I want to be kept.
It is love when we always want to be
In each other's company.
When my f...

LOVESTRUCK
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July 14, 2016
 

Why Do I write?

I write to feel.
I write to stop feeling.
I write to bleed out.
I write to stop the blood flow.
I write to be a part of the world.
I write to be apart from the world.

I write to be me.  

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INK DROP
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