|..And we'll hate what we've lost but we'll love what we find.|
Stop crying. Breath. You didn’t fail yourself, you failed the self you thought you should be.
Many a time, I’ve typed on here in rush... with tears streaming down my cheeks from the pressure built up of incredible sadness. And I let it pour out onto here like an antidote to release me... I re-read my words to myself. Like looking at blood to see how much has come out of you. To confirm just how bad it is. I don’t believe I’ve never been quite so low, it’s hard to strive for the light. Oh,but I try.. I climb and climb to get back out . But I slip and dangle there on the way...it never seems possible. My stomach, it twirls with my fears, it aches in the pit of it. And I think. How could I possibly get out and be the same...
Oh, what can I do?
Life is beautiful,
But you don't have a clue..
Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.
The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.
It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again.
-Frank O'Hara, Meditations in an Emergency
I don’t like you here.
You can’t see us here.
Take off your shell.
Because I’ve always been this naked.
“Every time you give in, how do you feel?”
It feels like I’m adding another notch to my belt of regrets and...sins I may believe in.
And the before, is like my life screaming I’ll never have another chance, and hearing everyone proclaiming it’s short.
And then.. I feel my belt tightening.
We’re so far from where we once were. I still see us.. in that time.. I still remember us that way. And even though it’s the past and we’ve moved on, I’ll always hold us in my heart. To breath, and to keep safe. For our love is imprinted in my time, my life, always.
You can’t expect to be ‘you’ and them to be perfect for you. You can only get close enough. So your finger tips graze each other through life... and with the right person you’ll know you’d never reach out and feel nothing.
Tonight is black,beautiful, and round on the edges.
Tonight is where anticipation is from.
Tonight is the lights speckled like paint across your eyes.
Tonight makes the wind blow past your ears whispering the city’s secrets.
Tonight is the earth sleeping and our heads rising and falling with every breath it takes.
I’ll see you, tonight.
Our shades don’t match up. The colors never align in the places they’re meant to. You’re suppose to be the piece that completes the puzzle, but instead all I have is dead ends and missing spaces..
No. I don’t want to feel this.
I don’t want to feel anything.
My ears cannot hear your words.
It’s all sliding down my arms and dripping off my finger tips..
My pain is not a feeling... it’s you.
Why couldn’t you ease me into it... why’d I have to find out this way.. that you.. you’ve found another love.
When it’s fake I’ll break it.
And when it’s real...I let it sink.
Maybe I have it...
But Im never sure..
I never hold on to it long enough to change my mind..
I want to kiss you.
I want to kiss you so bad, and make the pain I caused disappear.
But I can’t...
I can’t because the pain needs to be.
And if I did..
The pain would stay.... with you and with me.
Being in a broken place means you’ll need to get cut a few times until you’re free..
I’m am tissue paper... made to make my gifts look pretty.
But I tear so easily... and I rip apart and am discarded after you see everything...
With every step I take. I’m taking one step away from you.
Do you think I feel sorry?
...forgive me. Let’s twist the knife til we stop breathing.
Keeping this going is like gasping for air... I keep sinking. And every now and then you save me and give me air... just to have me grabbing for you the next..
This distance between us is filled by our silence. It makes a lonely bridge from one heart to another. When we choose to finally walk across it, will be when we’ll know... we’ll know if that’s where we belong.
I needed you .
I needed you last night.
When my body couldn’t hold in its water.
When it excreted from my eyes so rapidly in the shower.
I needed you when I couldn’t tell the difference between the water hitting my face and the tears streaming across my lips.
I needed you..
I wish I didn’t come with all this baggage, this weight.
You’re trying to help carry it... and I don’t know if I should watch you struggle anymore.
Thinking about what we could’ve done differently.. what would of happened if we had chosen this.. is a bitter end. It’s like looking at tickets for a boat that’s set sail yesterday..
It sure was nice to fall asleep.... thinking of you
I don’t know what I’m suppose to do haunted by the ghost of you...