|Mother, wife, gamer. IG: Drakon805 Anxiety/social anxiety/depression/chronic pain/migraine sufferer|
To whom it may concern:
Do you remember that thing that happened to you?
Of course you remember, you were never able to forget it.
You know the thing I'm talking about.
The thing that only a handful of people, or maybe no one, knows.
The thing that that doesn't define you but is a part of your past.
That thing that stays at the edge of your mind.
That thing likes to push it's way to the front of your thoughts at the most inopportune time.
You know that thing that makes you feel in that moment.
The one that disgusts you.
The thing that makes you feel sick.
Your anxiety starts surging through your body.
You find it hard to breath.
You want to cry but fight the urge.
That thing that you try ...
Heartbroken and missing you.
Thinking of times passed.
Lonely here, feeling blue.
You were gone oh so fast.
The heartache I've been through.
Hoping my memories always last.
Whispering Merry Christmas will have to do.
I hope you heard the words I've cast.
Forever in my heart, always on my mind.
Searching for you
Out there in the world
Unaware of me
Longing for you
I know that by the time I wake up there will be a text from one of my girls and at least once a week a text from my mother.
I wake up every day and check my phone. Sometimes they are checking on me, tht need my advice or they want to share something that has made them smile or frown.
Three generations separated by distance and brought together by technology.
My hand covers my eyes.
My head hangs in disbelief.
You held my heart in your hand.
You tossed it away.
I am left picking up the pieces.
There are holes that will never be filled.
Cracks that will never fully mend.
Some days, like yesterday and today, I feel a great sense of loss. Uncontrollable crying and anger that happens throughout the day. Only, there is no actual loss only the feeling of loss. There is no real reason to be angry or to cry.
Halloween, Samhain or what ever name you call October 31.
It has been one year of being smoke free.
I know I still have a problem because I still crave it. I still think about it. Every now and then I forget and look for my pack.
I still find it hard to breathe sometimes. Especially when I'm walking, that seems to be the hardest.
Although, being sick isn't as bad. I don't cough as hard or as much and my chest doesn't hurt. At least not like it used to.
I can be around people smoking that does not bother me or make me crave. I only crave when I'm alone and my thoughts are running wild.
I have an addiction and I know it. I am recovering. It has been a year without it.
The feeling of my heart aching for you.
The memories of our last kiss.
My arms missing your embrace.
My mind filled with painful emotions.
You may not be here but I still feel you.
An eternity of love left waiting for you.
To see you now would be a dream come true.
There is a fire that burns throughout my essence.
An unquenchable and constant fire.
You were the only one that could tame the flames.
Without you I am burning out of control.
Together, you and I.
Forever, you and I.
Happy, you and I.
Love, you and I.
Irreplaceable, you and I.
Connected, you and I.
Unforgettable, you and I.
Memories, you and I.
No longer you, only I.
The cool crisp air of the early morning wakes me.
The space where you used to be is cold and empty.
I find no comfort or warmth alone in this frigid bed.
I still find myself reaching for you knowing you are gone.
Cold and alone in the bed we once curled up to cuddle in.
Our story started long ago and is left without a proper ending.
Today I will miss you and tonight as I sleep I will be with you again.
Happy birthday my dearest friend. I send my love and wish you another great chapter to your book of Life. I am so proud of you for all of the hard work you have put in to become a better version of you. I am your biggest fan and I love you! 💙
To really begin this story I need to tell it from the very beginning. My, now ex-husband who I will refer to as husband for the rest of this story, and I had gotten pregnant with our 3rd child. During my pregnancy I went to the ob/gyn regularly. I had all of the normal tests done. When I had to get the test to see if there were any abnormalities I already knew it would come back that there was something wrong. I even told my mother-in-law it would come up this way. I remember the call from the doctor telling to sit down. I didn't, I told him to go ahead. I remember him saying the test came back that the baby had down syndrome and that he wanted me to get another test done to verify. I was ca...
Drowning under waves of sadness and pain. Heartache engulfing my very being.
My thoughts clasped to the memory of us.
My arms reaching into the darkness.
Searching for any hope of rescue.
Slowly fading into the loneliness.
This never-ending sense of loss.
The sudden disconnect of what used to be.
Darkness engulfing me, drowning in waves of sobbing and tears.
My hand clasped in yours, reaching for answers to bring you back to me.
Faith came to your rescue, our miracle would come 19 days later.
You are here with me now because of one simple question, "Do you do anything different with her that you didn't do with the other children?"
I thought he had rescued me, but he decided to fling me into heartache.
The arms that once held me pushed me away.
I keep reaching through this darkness while the waves of his memory wash over me.
They keep engulfing me, drowning me.
He hid the fork of his lie filled tongue, his words flying through my thoughts.
My heartbeat no longer clasped to his as he disappeared back into the universe.
He has left me stranded for eternity in this lonely and dark world.
The expression on your face said more
than what came from your lips.
The sharp pain of betrayal left its
impression on my heart.
Your expression of Love broke me.
Your lips forever poisoned by your actions.
Your words cut sharp and deep.
Your selfishness leaving an impression of untrust within me.
Lips on lips, as an expression of Love.
His love left a lasting impression on my heart.
Now unending sharp pains and heartache feel my body.
Chapped lips, dehydrated, overheated.
Sharp pains of a migraine untreated.
The impressions of the heat have always left me hate-filled.
In the heat, my facial expressions are never those of feeling thrilled.
I hold an angry expression upon my face.
everywhere I go I always feel so out of place.
My lips rarely form a smile.
I have been like this for quite a while.
I seem to always leave a lasting impression.
No one really sees my anxiety and depression.
Some days my tongue is sharp like a knife. It cuts and tears at my reflection of my life.
oh, this sharp pain I get in my chest.
My heart aching for you beneath my breast.
You left a lasting impression, and imprint on my aching heart.
My lips wishing yours would never part from them.
My heart still beating as an expression of Love.
Knowing you and I were destined to be by the powers above.
This journey we call life, leading us down new and different paths. The paths we choose are always changing, always evolving and almost always hard. We, sometimes, make it through to see the next challenge before us. As we walk our chosen path, like a stray dog looking for the right way to go. Some paths will bring joy, some pain, some love and some tears. Yet, we continue through the path we have chosen never knowing how long it will take or if it will suddenly end. Choose your path wisely, appreciate the views before you and never forget the paths that have gotten you this far.
I wish for a perfect end to this night.
To be in your arms once more.
To feel your hands gently moving along my curves.
Kissing my body as you slide down.
Your hands gripping my thick thighs.
Your teeth marks imprinted in my flesh.
Your tongue playing gently between my legs.
Moaning as you tease me with your fingers.
Your hot breath on my skin.
Spreading my legs wider only to tease me more.
You know how loud I can be.
You know the neighbors can hear me.
You love to hear me moan and scream in pleasure.
You kiss me hard as you force yourself into me.
You like to be rough with me.
You love to choke me until I climax again.
You bite my neck before you forcefully turn me.
On my hands and knees you...
The sun began to fade behind the horizon. Red, orange and yellow fill the sky overhead. The colors temporarily painting the pavement at the train station. On a bench sits an abandoned book. People passing by take a quick look at the cover as they rush by. The book hoped the dream of someone turning each page in awe of it's story within would soon come true. The fear of fading out of existence was creeping in as the book sat on the bench waiting, begging in silence for someone to pick it up.