|20. Young, but neither wild nor free. Just happy having her story heard... or read|
It has been two years since I sat down and penned my last letter and as one would expect there has been a change in me that came as naturally as the flow of time itself, although it was also something that I didn't willfully accept...
My last letter was written during the height of my A-Levels and boy was I stressed, a type of stress that manifested in my lack of self-belief and my fear of the unknown; fear of regection from my universities, fear of never accepting myself for who I am, but mostly from fear that no one else would accept me either.
I've also been wary of change, I am a creature of habit, I like comfort zones and familiarity and while these may be my biggest fla...
Be realistic: plan for a miracle. - Osho.
When studying for my A-Levels these were the words that stayed with me the entire time. Instead of asking myself if i was ever going to get into University the question was "what will i do once im there?"
Having a positive mindset, actually believing in yourself and putting in the necessary work pays off.
And as a result allowing yourself to accept the fact that you can do what you put your mind to is a form of liberation.
"Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place." - Rumi
*This is more of a reflection than anything and I want you all to know I no longer feel this way.
I think it's crucial to remember that depression isn't just sadness, sometimes its a lack of sadness, sometimes it is just a feeling of infinite emptiness.
When my Grandad died last year I felt nothing. I watched my family mourn him with a sort of sadness i couldn't even begin to fathom and I couldn't understand why.
Why wasn't I crying?
Why wasn't I sad too?
Why didn't it hurt me like it obviously hurt them?
And then it dawned on me, I was hurting, but for me it was different; my depression meant that the sadness I was feeling was the emptiness. I had become desensitized to sa...
It's been a while but I have an update:
I got into University!
I am in quite a weird position in my life, nothing wrong with it, but nothing's particularly right with it either.
Today I had my 18th birthday (it was also my twin sisters birthday but that's completely unrelated....).
I had the most wonderful day, I don't think there's a single thing that could have gone better.
I feel really blessed.
I long to feel a love that will mend the shattered pieces of me. But i fear my heart has been broken one too many times and has abandoned me.
I realised today that life is a fragile thing.
Today i got the news that someone i knew of, but not personally had interacted with, had died. I found out in my sociology class when my teacher made the announcement while wiping away tears.
She recommended that everyone who knew him should go to the chaplaincy if they wanted some privacy.
A few left, but most people stayed. It was then that i saw my friends try to hold back their tears and stifle their sobs, i was holding back tears of my own too but they weren't tears of utter sadness, i was nearly crying because they were, that's it. I was sad, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the sadness i would expect to feel if one of my o...
"When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon.
I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately.
I remember when i was little and my teacher asked me what i wanted to be, i didn't realised at the time that i had to 'be' anything, i just wanted to be happy and play with my toys but i knew people wouldn't like that answer so i said i wanted to be an artist because i could draw. Fast forward a few years and they asked me the same question, again, i didn't know what i wanted to be, but in those two years i realised my 'art' ...
I feel quite weird. I'm not too sure how to express how i feel but the closest i can get to it is this: i feel like i do not know where I am going, but I am not exactly lost either.
I know what i need to do to get from my metaphorical point 'A' to 'B' but the problem is - what do i do after i get there?
Ever since i started higher education i've always had a goal, get my GCSE's, then get my AS/A-Levels, then go to Uni.
But i never really thought about what i wanted to do after University. For the first time in a while i don't know what to do. Every path i see myself taking leads to more questions i can't find the answers to and i really don't want to finish University not know...
I've been thinking about this topic a lot and i need to get this off my chest.
Im at the age were people are starting to ask me what i am going to do in the future and the standard answer has always been ' go Uni, study Psychology and somehow get a job in that field' but i think honesty is the best policy and to be perfectly honest, i hate psychology. I'm only studying it to make my parents happy. I hate the idea of Uni too, i'm broke now and thats even before i've applied for student loans, what happens when the £27,000 debt starts to loom over my head? Then there's the interest and the maintenence loans im gonna have to get just to survive out there by myself and i really want...
I am struggling to write my Personal Statement for my University application (im studying Psychology) and I was just wondering if anyone had any pointers or tip for what to put on there...
The deadlines coming soon and i've got nothing.
Looking for a friend here.
Who else hasn't started their Christmas shopping yet... i hope it's not just me...
How's everyone doing?
It's been a while...
Lord, to you I pray
I know I haven't been the best Christian but just here me out.
My Grandad is going to see you soon and he's a stubborn man.
So can you tell him this for me please
Tell him we will miss him.
Tell him we love him.
Tell him he wasn't alone at the end.
Tell him we were all with him.
Tell him he fought a brave fight.
Tell him he deserves some peace.
Tell him we'll carry on somehow.
Tell him I hope to see him again one day.
~ His Grandaughter
I wonder what love feels like.
I wonder what it is to be in love.
Currently, I don't know, but I still have hope that one day I will be loved, and I hope it's beautiful.
My Grandad was recently told that he has cancer and its too far gone for any treatment to save him.
I went to see him today, but before I went into his room I prepared myself the best I could; I told myself to turn it off, to just stop feeling, to not react. And it made seeing him easier. I didn't act like the man I saw was a shell of the man i'd come to know as my Grandad, I didn't act like it killed me inside to see my Dad hold my Grandads hand with such tenderness and care as if this would be the last time he'd ever be able to do it, I didn't act like I hated the fact that out off all the people in the world my Grandad got terminal cancer and I didn't act like I was about to...
I've been thinking about suicide a lot, or more so how I used to think about suicide a lot.
And I was wondering what made me not want to do it in the end?
What gave me the will to live?
I think it was the fact that I had been told that killing myself meant that I couldn't go to Heaven because there could be no salvation for me if I decided that I couldn't be saved.
And I couldn't accept the fact that after all this suffering I still wouldn't be able to find peace.
So I did the only thing I could do; I decided that I was worth saving.
Today i watched a show were the main female antagonist was dying and as she was about to die the main male protaganist forgave her for all her mistakes and wrong doings, he then proceeded to give her a dream to which she was reunited with her baby and died peacefully (i hope, at least).
But it got me thinking.
What will be the last think i think of when i die?
I hope i think of all the people i've loved and lost in my life time,
I hope that i think of my grandad again and i see him as healthy as he was before the cancer took him away from me,
i hope i think of every pet i've ever owned and loved,
I hope i think of that one friend i made over the summer of 2008 and never saw a...
I know i keep writing about my future or my current academic prospects but i promise, this is the last time.
I'll be going to University next year. and this will be the first step in my semi-independence. And i feel like i should be more scared about 'flying from the nest' (albeit temporarily), but the truth is i feel a certain sense of apathy towards the whole situation. And i don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
But all i know is that ever since i could think for myself and i allowed myself to hold these liberal, un-biased opinion on the world, i've wanted to leave, and go to a place were thinking like the way i do is encouraged. not discouraged.
is that really such a ba...
I wish with all my heart that pretending i was okay all the time wasn't so hard.
'I hope you make peace with your pain, and never lose your flames.' - Issues.
So it's 2016 which means a lot, although currently i'm not sure what i mean by 'a lot' because every year means 'a lot' so what makes this year so special?
I don't have a solid answer but i do have a partial one. This is year is partially special because i have a resolve. I've decided to work harder than ever, be kinder than ever and to generally just be better than ever, although i know this is a lot to ask for in a year i have a strange feeling that it's possible.
I really hope it is,
Have you ever gotten a piece of information that you wish you could just un-know?
My Great Uncle died today and I know that this may sound so heartless but I wish no one had told me. I wish I could un-know this information. because now I have to tell my Mother that the only father figure she's had since her real father died, is dead.
And I don't think I can do that.
I have a special skill of feeling too much when I shouldn't, and nothing when I should.
There's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.