♤◇Jade ♡♧PO# 149423
United States
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I love music, writing and art.
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Hope...
It's a terrible thing
Easy to bloom
But even easier to crush
It can be a saving grace
Or a death sentence
And its something I wish
So desperately
I could let go
-Jade♧

My eyes well up with tears
There's a lump in my throat
I cant seem to swallow
A tear runs down my cheek
Today is not my day
And its hardly begun
I feel so trapped
And alone,
Exhausted
Having done nothing
My chest feels empty
And I cant feel my heart beat
I dont know what this is
But it feels like defeat
No matter how many times it comes
I can never explain
Why its happening
Or what's going on in my brain
I'm so broken
So sad
For no reason
To me it's the worst kind of living
Breathing
Yet not feelings alive
-Jade ♧

You dont understand
Or at least I truly hope you dont
You dont have to deal with
the voice in your head
telling you you're not good enough
that you will never be good enough...
Yours doesn't point out
every possible flaw
in your body
and make you wish
you could just cut pieces off
You dont look in the mirror
and want to cry at what you see
and wonder why you cant just be pretty....
You dont lie awake at night
replaying bad things that have happened or imagining new bad things that'll happen
You dont walk around trying to hide
hoping no one will talk to you
and that you wont trip
Or draw attention to yourself
because its easier to be invisible
than it is to be constantly jud...

Im right
Im not special
I dont know how
I ever believed you
Believed you thought
I was someone important
But alas
Im a fool
A hopeless romantic
Falling for people
Who don't think twice
About crushing me
-Jade


No sir
No serie
I'm not mad
I'm not disappointed
Im simply devoted
To one not to me
I'm hurt
Nothing more
I agree
Its time to close the door
Yet this new beginning
Is leaving me feel
Oh so very alone...
-Jade


I miss you
but I wont waste my breath
To tell you
Ill wait
Ill wait to see
if you ever miss me
Although
I doubt it will ever be
-Jade


One last thing
That's all I'm going to say
You're right
Congratulations
You win
Horray
I'm done
We're finished
I get it
Okay
No
Nope
Not okay
Broken
But right
-Jade


I miss myself
I miss how I used to
Smile
Laugh
Have fun
Be silly
But those are all
A distant memory
A rarity
I can force
Them out
But my insides
Stay cold.
I've almost forgot
What its like
To be truly happy
I've been like this
For years
Different
Distant
Lost.
My feelings
Contortionized
Some so jumbled
They're unrecognizable
Leaving me even more lost
But I'll push through
As I always do.
-Jade

Everything hurts
My head throbs
My heart shrinks
My chest heaves
My bones ache
My skin burns
My fingers crack
My knees buckle
My ankles pop
Everything hurts
My blood runs slow
My eyes look hollow
My body is stiff
Yet my hands shake
Water rises in my eyes
My body becomes
Only a shell
Everything hurts
I can't move
I'm stuck
Frozen
As time ticks on
Halted
In disbelief
That one thing
Could do this
To me
Everything hurts
Leave me
Broken
Hollow
Empty
Feeling alone
Lost and
Unwanted
Everything hurts
How much
Power
Can be held
By one
Thing
Everything hurts
-Jade ♧


I can't move
My body is frozen
My chest still
As tears run down my cheeks
I'm still as they drip off my face
My limbs are stiff
I cant feel my heart beat
Its as if my heart is truly gone
The music floods my head
I just lie in bed
I can't get control
Of my head
I don't know
I don't know what to say
I don't know what to do
Do I tell you?
Do I warn you?
Will you just leave?...
Just as the others have
I'm too complicated
I'm too much trouble
I'm too much effort
I'm too much work
I need too much
I lie here crying
Yet I don't say a word about it
While we talk
I'm petrified
Frozen in my tracks
I don't want you to go...
We've barely begun
If I tell you how fucked up I am...
Wou...

You're gone
I wish you'd fade
But no you haunt me
I love you
I could write a book
Telling you all the reasons why
I trusted you
You broke me
I still want you
I want you
Back with me
I know you're unhappy
But I hope you realize
The problem
It was life
Not me
I'm here
I'm trying
Trying so hard
To let go
But I can't
And its starting
To make me wonder
Did you ever love me?
Did you ever care?
Because right now
I'm pretty sure
You never did

We know each other by face
Not by soul
We said I love you
But did we mean it?
Do we know what love is?
If someone described my apperance
You'd know its me
But if you describe whats in my heart
My hopes, my dreams, my desires
I'd be a complete stranger
Same as I'd be if someone described your heart to me
You leaving opened my eyes to the world
Its as if I was wearing glasses
Although they weren't rose colored
They hid the truth from me
I was so drawn to you
I missed reality
I couldn't see how wrong we were
Maybe one day we'll meet again
Maybe we'll actually get to know each other
Or maybe we won't
Either way I know that I'll be okay

It's back
I can't sleep
My brain paces in circles
Telling me so many awful things
Things I cannot deny
That tear me apart
Tears run down my face
I'm such a disgrace
I don't belong here
Here being among the living
It doesn't matter where I am physically
I can't turn it off
Whether at school
Work or even with friends
The thoughts haunt me
Hanging up to take me down
It calls me to relapse
To once again
Fall back into my behaviors
The marking of my skin
Lacking of nutrition
Killing my liver
And escaping my mind
I don't know
How much longer
I can force my lungs to accept air
My mouth to take in food
My chest aches constantly
I'm unsure how to make it stop
But god I wish I could make it go ...

My heart races
as I pace
My brains frazzled
by every piece
My heart longs
But my mind denies
To keep the pain
that lies
behind
these beatutiful eyes
People leave
and leave scars
no matter how close
or how far
Love leaves marks
paths in our hearts
tears in our eyes
meaning in our cries
It swells you up
and makes you whole
But leaves you
with a new hole
It's a chance
and a gamble
that causes me
to ramble
It pulls my heart
It tears me apart
It opens my eyes
It distracts my mind
Its rare to find
and hard to swallow
The fear
opens my ears
The doubts
raises my walls
The want
brings me to tears
I stand alone
Looking into
The unknown
Petrified
Of what will get inside
-Jade

The sky roars
Clouds the shade of the moon
Tears dropping
All afternoon
He's gone
the minister prays
it didn't feel real
until today
The service is over
The guests have left
but the memories
they haunt
leaving a mess
We miss him
our hearts cry out
leaving us
with so much doubt
-Jade

I can't help but smile
Can't help but laugh
You just make me so happy
It's so cliche
and has no
emphatic explanation
You brighten my world
As if my world so dull and grey
buy you've brought colors
You've opened my eyes
to things
I've never seen
But also brought
on memories
I want nothing
But to forget
My brain says no
but cannot deny my heart
I've liked you
feom the very start
Your eyes so deep
Your voice so spellbinding
Your personality
Bewitches me
at every turn
I want you
yet you'll never he mine
It seems like
the end of time
But it's alright
I don't need you
to be mine
As long as you smile
and laugh
As long as you're happy
I'm perfectly fine
Just watching
-Jade

This feeling
so deep I thought it gone
but no
back again
Surrounding me
drowning me
clouding my mind
Your eyes
so perfect and blue
I could get lost
I am lost
What am I thinking?
what am I doing?
Am I really this naive?
To think you could
feel for me
It's pointless
I'm senseless
what am I becoming?
I'm broken
Your perfect
I don't wish to tarnish you
With my soot
Why do I feel so deeply?
My heart is asking to be crushed
I'm not ready
My walls raising higher
My brain fighting
for control
My heart pressing thoughts
I can't escape
Why can't I just
Not
Why am I glutton for this pain?
I just have to push threw
You'll never be mine
and in time
You'll be just another memory
-J...

I'm trying
I'm trying
God I swear I'm trying my best
I'm breaking
I'm breaking
Someone help clean up the mess
I'm pushing
I'm pushing
Working through it all
I'm falling
I'm falling
Falling apart
It's pounding
It's pounding
This sewn up heart
I'm crawling
I'm crawling
Please help me up
I'm trying
I'm trying
I just can't get up
I'm crying
I'm crying
I have fallen into a deeper hole
I'm dying
I'm dying
Let rest this broken soul
-Jade

My head compresses
My heart pounds
My stomach churns
My body drowns
I can't think
My thoughts all died
I'm trying hard to stay alive
It's sharp and brutal
This feeling I have
It himders my senses
And makes me feel drab
Someone help!
Can anyone hear
This screaming
In my ear?
My head shall burst
I am fairly sure
That is not the worst
-Jade

My heart throbs
Until I can feel
No more
I no longer
See
a distant shore
It has disipated
From the length
of my sight
It has become
a measly thought
forgotten
It was so beautiful
Full of happiness
And love
No all is gone
No more shore
No safe haven coming
This is it
Its never ending
a constants struggle
One some fight through
And one others
lose their souls
This horrid and hidden place
Claims those stuck
In the forbidden state
Their hearts empty
Their minds full
Losing all control
They stand tall
So no one can see
Their real "me"
The force smiles
And laughs
Every day
Until they hit the wall
Sturdy as Brick
Hard as Bone
Leaving them
Falling
In a whirl wind
Alone with...

This pain
In my chest
Becomes desolate
It's all I can feel
I can't think
I can't move
Tears start rolling
Down my cheeks
I can't breathe
I feel as though
Both of my lungs
Have collapsed
I try to force
Deep breathes in
And out
But it's no use
My chest contracts
This empty ache
Killing me
Eating me alive
The room turns dark
I can feel my head
Getting lighter
I am going numb
It's all over
-Jade

I look
But I don't see
I listen
But do not hear
I can see the things
I am shown
I can hear the reasons
I am given
I understand quite well
You see
But do you really see me?
The smiling exterior
Rather than the
Omnious interior
The hardworking student
You see the grades
Not the never ending struggle
You see test scores
Not the breakdowns they cause
I press on, due to
The failed attempts
That haunt me more
Each time I try
But yet nearly no one
Sees me
I am not
Invisible
Invincible
Indivisible
Indestructible
Invulnerable
Imperceivable
Society doesn't see me
I am
Shattered
Manguled
Shredded
Mad as a hatter
Completely bonkers
Defective
I often wish to be breathless
Yet no on...

Stuck
Frozen in time
Unable to get through
You can't turn it off
It's who you are
Your heart races
Your ears ring
Your mind runs
Thinking its too much
Trying to distract yourself
Tapping your fingers
Looking around frantically
There's nothing
Nothing to console
This violent feeling
Down deep inside
You don't want to be here
You wish your attempt
Had worked
You feel the world squeezing
Your heart tightly in
Its hand
You know society
Will leave no survivors
They look but don't see
So quick to judge
Without the knowledge
Needed to make
The assumption
No one seems to
Truly understand
So you drift off
Not seeing the necessity
To breathe
-Jade

Desolation it grows
My mind is leaving scars
On my soul
My soul is so full of fight
But my heart has lost
All of its might
My eyes are weary
My skin is thin
Revealing all the things
Hidden with in
No protection
No where to run
Left sitting here
In the sun
I do not tan
Or feel the heat
Only the beat
Of my heart
Against my aching ribs
My heart is empty
So why does it feel
This heavy
I've gone cold
Leaving no beauty to with hold
The world is in a mold
That I do not behold
I break so quietly
No one even
Notices me
I could shatter
All over the floor
But then the world
Would've won
This war
-Jade

It starts easy
Flowing like a river
Not a worry to be found
Then car trouble hits
The engine breaks
The exhaust is loud
It's all just breaking down
It's never ending
It complies inside
Leaving me
With no place to hide
Every fear displayed
Hope crushed
Dream shattered
Like old stained glass window
The conscience
Fading away
While the demons play
Selling out my boundaries
Leaving me unguarded
As enemy soldiers
March in
Losing hope and sleep
I hope the devil
I don't meet
I wish it all would dissappear
The long drive
Seems to never end
The obstacles persist
The troubles grow
Leaving you unsafe
Without a home
Your sanctuary is gone
Not a scrap left
You're mind drifts off
Into th...

I'm falling
Down
Down
Down
A deep dark hole
It seems bottomless
I can't see
The darkness
Leaves me blind
I can't think
I just close my eyes
And wait to reach
The bottom
-Jade

Isolated
Trapped inside
Your own mind
Your breath catches
you can't go on
Your sight blurs
Tears cascade down
Unable to stop
Your ears ring
driving you insane
Your body collapses
You quiver to your bones
You snap
The obsidian world
Is insidiously
Destroying life
People sneer
Excited at your pain
Your fears become reality
You feel alone
Surrounded by a crowd
The earth spins
But at this moment
You are still.
You are left behind
By the everyone
Yet not one soul
Notices yours is missing
Your body is there
That's all anyone cares
Every breath hurts
Your mind is in a war
Against itself
No one sees
And your petrified
To say a word
Of the misery
Your facing
Totally spellbound
By ...

Breathe
Take it in
Its changing
Your growing old
But you don't care
because you're going somewhere
You can feel it
it in each and every fiber
The rush
the air flowing out
you've lost hope
the world is lost
and so are you
you've lost all sight
in things you do
The end
you feel it drawing near
you wish you could disappear
no one cares or looks
they don't have a clue
what you are planning to do
The wait
life closes its eyes
and dawns on you
as you fade out
into the deep blue
Never to return
you finally see
the real beauty
-Jade

close your eyes
the world is dark
shield your thoughts
society will break them
hide your actions
so no one can judge
The world is sinister
Society is insidious
We can try to conceal
but its no use
We must just show ourselves
We must not give a thought
to society's opinion
We must be who we are
and make our own light

When I'm gone...
No one will remember
My work
or my thoughts
I have to try
To work like I used to
To shine
To be individual
To stand out
I must stop hiding
like a frightened child
I must show myself
And face the world
No matter the pain
or the obsolete mindset
Of my peers
I miss me
The me who didn't care
what anyone thought
Who was fearless
I am going to being her back
From death...
Her redemption
will be like no other
-Jade
