I’ve never
Been so unsure
What to do
So torn
So divided
Between heart and head

My heart
It longs for him
It beat for him
It smiles when he’s near
When his name pops up on my phone
It skips at his kiss
It jumps with his touch

But,

My head
It can see through it
It points out our differences
Sees his lack of consulting
Reminds me of his temper
Focuses on his need for attention
His longing to be bigger than he is
His lack of effort in planning
Our future...

I’m so lost
So stuck
So uncertain

I don’t know what to do...

- Jade ❤️

I’m going to explode
I can’t
I simply can’t keep this up

I’m burning
Inside and out

No patience
No time
No rest

Too many worries
Have broken my will
My will to care
To sympathize
To empathize

Just annoyance remains

My breath shakes
My body creaks

There’s not much of me left

Just a shell

Full of harsh emotions

With a longing
A longing for more

For Love

For Joy

For Peace

-Jade

As I stand naked
The water running
over my body

My brain is busy
Thoughts whirling

Sadness has overtaken me
I want to cry
But I can’t
No tears will come out

I’m not okay
I’m just not

I can’t pretend any longer

I don’t want to be a bother
So I’ll hold it together
Best I can

And pray
I don’t
Fail
Lose composure
Without
Losing
Myself

-Jade

I love you
With all of me

But you don’t see
What it’s doing to me

I long for our future
But it’s coming too slow
I’m so impatient

I feel like you don’t know

I want you all the time
I want you to be all mine

It’s eating me up to wait
I’m paranoid
I know

I need to breathe
And we need to go slow

But for reasons unknown
The longer we wait
The more it feels like bait
Instead of a promise

The longer we wait
The further away it feels

It feels like the inevitable end
Is drawing nearer

Even when I know it’s so far

Together forever is what we are

But some times
Like tonight

The waiting just gives me a fright
It’s pulling at my might

I love you
With all of me

But ...

I look in the mirror
But I don’t see what you see
I never will

You see beauty
That I can’t find anywhere

My messy wavy hair
My tiny dark eyes
My plain face

My thick legs
My heavy tummy
My large arms

Mirrors aren’t a friend
They never have been
Not for me

You see the image that is me
Much differently

And I don’t know who is wrong
Who is right
Or if that logic even applies

Perception is a tricky beast
No two people see the world
In the same way

Which means no person
Is ever seen the same

We see ourselves
in ways others can’t
And others see us
In ways we can’t

It’s an impossible centrifuge
So why should we even try
To explain it?

Hope...
It's a terrible thing

Easy to bloom
But even easier to crush

It can be a saving grace
Or a death sentence

And its something I wish
So desperately
I could let go

-Jade♧

My eyes well up with tears
There's a lump in my throat
I cant seem to swallow
A tear runs down my cheek
Today is not my day
And its hardly begun

I feel so trapped
And alone,
Exhausted
Having done nothing
My chest feels empty
And I cant feel my heart beat

I dont know what this is
But it feels like defeat
No matter how many times it comes
I can never explain
Why its happening
Or what's going on in my brain

I'm so broken
So sad
For no reason

To me it's the worst kind of living
Breathing
Yet not feelings alive

-Jade ♧

You dont understand

Or at least I truly hope you dont
You dont have to deal with
the voice in your head
telling you you're not good enough
that you will never be good enough...

Yours doesn't point out
every possible flaw
in your body
and make you wish
you could just cut pieces off
You dont look in the mirror
and want to cry at what you see
and wonder why you cant just be pretty....

You dont lie awake at night
replaying bad things that have happened or imagining new bad things that'll happen
You dont walk around trying to hide
hoping no one will talk to you
and that you wont trip
Or draw attention to yourself
because its easier to be invisible
than it is to be constantly jud...

Im right
Im not special
I dont know how
I ever believed you
Believed you thought
I was someone important
But alas
Im a fool
A hopeless romantic
Falling for people
Who don't think twice
About crushing me

-Jade

No sir
No serie
I'm not mad
I'm not disappointed
Im simply devoted
To one not to me
I'm hurt
Nothing more
I agree
Its time to close the door
Yet this new beginning
Is leaving me feel
Oh so very alone...

-Jade

I miss you
but I wont waste my breath
To tell you
Ill wait
Ill wait to see
if you ever miss me
Although
I doubt it will ever be

-Jade

One last thing
That's all I'm going to say
You're right
Congratulations
You win
Horray
I'm done
We're finished
I get it
Okay
No
Nope
Not okay
Broken
But right

-Jade

I miss myself
I miss how I used to
Smile
Laugh
Have fun
Be silly
But those are all
A distant memory
A rarity
I can force
Them out
But my insides
Stay cold.
I've almost forgot
What its like
To be truly happy
I've been like this
For years
Different
Distant
Lost.
My feelings
Contortionized
Some so jumbled
They're unrecognizable
Leaving me even more lost
But I'll push through
As I always do.

-Jade

Everything hurts
My head throbs
My heart shrinks
My chest heaves
My bones ache
My skin burns
My fingers crack
My knees buckle
My ankles pop
Everything hurts

My blood runs slow
My eyes look hollow
My body is stiff
Yet my hands shake
Water rises in my eyes
My body becomes
Only a shell
Everything hurts

I can't move
I'm stuck
Frozen
As time ticks on

Halted
In disbelief
That one thing
Could do this
To me
Everything hurts

Leave me
Broken
Hollow
Empty
Feeling alone
Lost and
Unwanted
Everything hurts

How much
Power
Can be held
By one
Thing
Everything hurts

-Jade ♧

I can't move
My body is frozen
My chest still
As tears run down my cheeks
I'm still as they drip off my face

My limbs are stiff
I cant feel my heart beat
Its as if my heart is truly gone

The music floods my head
I just lie in bed
I can't get control
Of my head

I don't know
I don't know what to say
I don't know what to do
Do I tell you?
Do I warn you?

Will you just leave?...
Just as the others have

I'm too complicated
I'm too much trouble
I'm too much effort
I'm too much work
I need too much

I lie here crying
Yet I don't say a word about it
While we talk

I'm petrified
Frozen in my tracks

I don't want you to go...
We've barely begun

If I tell you how fucked up I am...
Wou...

You're gone
I wish you'd fade
But no you haunt me

I love you
I could write a book
Telling you all the reasons why

I trusted you
You broke me

I still want you

I want you
Back with me

I know you're unhappy
But I hope you realize
The problem
It was life
Not me

I'm here
I'm trying
Trying so hard
To let go

But I can't

And its starting
To make me wonder

Did you ever love me?
Did you ever care?

Because right now
I'm pretty sure
You never did

We know each other by face
Not by soul
We said I love you
But did we mean it?
Do we know what love is?

If someone described my apperance
You'd know its me
But if you describe whats in my heart
My hopes, my dreams, my desires
I'd be a complete stranger
Same as I'd be if someone described your heart to me

You leaving opened my eyes to the world
Its as if I was wearing glasses
Although they weren't rose colored
They hid the truth from me

I was so drawn to you
I missed reality

I couldn't see how wrong we were
Maybe one day we'll meet again

Maybe we'll actually get to know each other
Or maybe we won't

Either way I know that I'll be okay

It's back
I can't sleep
My brain paces in circles
Telling me so many awful things
Things I cannot deny
That tear me apart

Tears run down my face
I'm such a disgrace
I don't belong here
Here being among the living
It doesn't matter where I am physically
I can't turn it off
Whether at school
Work or even with friends
The thoughts haunt me
Hanging up to take me down

It calls me to relapse
To once again
Fall back into my behaviors
The marking of my skin
Lacking of nutrition
Killing my liver
And escaping my mind

I don't know
How much longer
I can force my lungs to accept air
My mouth to take in food
My chest aches constantly
I'm unsure how to make it stop
But god I wish I could make it go ...

My heart races
as I pace
My brains frazzled
by every piece

My heart longs
But my mind denies

To keep the pain
that lies
behind
these beatutiful eyes

People leave
and leave scars
no matter how close
or how far

Love leaves marks
paths in our hearts
tears in our eyes
meaning in our cries

It swells you up
and makes you whole
But leaves you
with a new hole

It's a chance
and a gamble
that causes me
to ramble

It pulls my heart
It tears me apart
It opens my eyes
It distracts my mind

Its rare to find
and hard to swallow

The fear
opens my ears
The doubts
raises my walls
The want
brings me to tears

I stand alone
Looking into
The unknown
Petrified
Of what will get inside

-Jade

The sky roars
Clouds the shade of the moon
Tears dropping
All afternoon

He's gone
the minister prays
it didn't feel real
until today

The service is over
The guests have left
but the memories
they haunt
leaving a mess

We miss him
our hearts cry out
leaving us
with so much doubt

-Jade

I can't help but smile
Can't help but laugh
You just make me so happy

It's so cliche
and has no
emphatic explanation     

You brighten my world
As if my world so dull and grey
buy you've brought colors

You've opened my eyes
to things
I've never seen

But also brought
on memories
I want nothing
But to forget

My brain says no
but cannot deny my heart
I've liked you
feom the very start

Your eyes so deep
Your voice so spellbinding
Your personality
Bewitches me
at every turn

I want you
yet you'll never he mine
It seems like
the end of time

But it's alright
I don't need you
to be mine

As long as you smile
and laugh
As long as you're happy
I'm perfectly fine
Just watching

-Jade

This feeling
so deep I thought it gone
but no
back again

Surrounding me
drowning me
clouding my mind

Your eyes
so perfect and blue
I could get lost

I am lost
What am I thinking?
what am I doing?
Am I really this naive?
To think you could
feel for me

It's pointless
I'm senseless
what am I becoming?

I'm broken
Your perfect
I don't wish to tarnish you
With my soot

Why do I feel so deeply?
My heart is asking to be crushed
I'm not ready

My walls raising higher
My brain fighting
for control
My heart pressing thoughts

I can't escape
Why can't I just
Not

Why am I glutton for this pain?
I just have to push threw
You'll never be mine
and in time
You'll be just another memory

-J...

I'm trying
I'm trying
God I swear I'm trying my best

I'm breaking
I'm breaking
Someone help clean up the mess

I'm pushing
I'm pushing
Working through it all

I'm falling
I'm falling
Falling apart

It's pounding
It's pounding
This sewn up heart

I'm crawling
I'm crawling
Please help me up

I'm trying
I'm trying
I just can't get up

I'm crying
I'm crying
I have fallen into a deeper hole

I'm dying
I'm dying
Let rest this broken soul

-Jade

My head compresses
My heart pounds
My stomach churns
My body drowns

I can't think
My thoughts all died
I'm trying hard to stay alive

It's sharp and brutal
This feeling I have
It himders my senses
And makes me feel drab

Someone help!
Can anyone hear
This screaming
In my ear?

My head shall burst
I am fairly sure
That is not the worst

-Jade

My heart throbs
Until I can feel
No more

I no longer
See
a distant shore

It has disipated
From the length
of my sight

It has become
a measly thought
forgotten

It was so beautiful
Full of happiness
And love

No all is gone
No more shore
No safe haven coming

This is it
Its never ending
a constants struggle

One some fight through
And one others
lose their souls

This horrid and hidden place
Claims those stuck
In the forbidden state

Their hearts empty
Their minds full
Losing all control

They stand tall
So no one can see
Their real "me"

The force smiles
And laughs
Every day

Until they hit the wall
Sturdy as Brick
Hard as Bone

Leaving them
Falling
In a whirl wind

Alone with...

This pain
In my chest
Becomes desolate
It's all I can feel

I can't think
I can't move
Tears start rolling
Down my cheeks

I can't breathe
I feel as though
Both of my lungs
Have collapsed

I try to force
Deep breathes in
And out
But it's no use

My chest contracts
This empty ache
Killing me
Eating me alive

The room turns dark
I can feel my head
Getting lighter
I am going numb

It's all over

-Jade

I look
But I don't see
I listen
But do not hear

I can see the things
I am shown
I can hear the reasons
I am given
I understand quite well
You see
But do you really see me?

The smiling exterior
Rather than the
Omnious interior

The hardworking student
You see the grades
Not the never ending struggle
You see test scores
Not the breakdowns they cause

I press on, due to
The failed attempts
That haunt me more
Each time I try

But yet nearly no one
Sees me

I am not
Invisible
Invincible
Indivisible
Indestructible
Invulnerable
Imperceivable

Society doesn't see me

I am
Shattered
Manguled
Shredded
Mad as a hatter
Completely bonkers
Defective

I often wish to be breathless
Yet no on...

Stuck
Frozen in time
Unable to get through
You can't turn it off
It's who you are

Your heart races
Your ears ring
Your mind runs

Thinking its too much
Trying to distract yourself
Tapping your fingers
Looking around frantically
There's nothing
Nothing to console
This violent feeling
Down deep inside

You don't want to be here
You wish your attempt
Had worked
You feel the world squeezing
Your heart tightly in
Its hand

You know society
Will leave no survivors
They look but don't see
So quick to judge
Without the knowledge
Needed to make
The assumption

No one seems to
Truly understand
So you drift off
Not seeing the necessity
To breathe

-Jade

Desolation it grows
My mind is leaving scars
On my soul

My soul is so full of fight
But my heart has lost
All of its might

My eyes are weary
My skin is thin
Revealing all the things
Hidden with in

No protection
No where to run
Left sitting here
In the sun

I do not tan
Or feel the heat
Only the beat
Of my heart
Against my aching ribs

My heart is empty  
So why does it feel
This heavy

I've gone cold
Leaving no beauty to with hold
The world is in a mold
That I do not behold

I break so quietly
No one even
Notices me
I could shatter
All over the floor
But then the world
Would've won
This war

-Jade

It starts easy
Flowing like a river
Not a worry to be found

Then car trouble hits
The engine breaks
The exhaust is loud
It's all just breaking down

It's never ending
It complies inside
Leaving me
With no place to hide

Every fear displayed
Hope crushed
Dream shattered
Like old stained glass window

The conscience
Fading away
While the demons play

Selling out my boundaries
Leaving me unguarded
As enemy soldiers
March in

Losing hope and sleep
I hope the devil
I don't meet
I wish it all would dissappear

The long drive
Seems to never end
The obstacles persist
The troubles grow
Leaving you unsafe
Without a home

Your sanctuary is gone
Not a scrap left
You're mind drifts off
Into th...