To all the people who complain about food in advertising looking much better than in reality, look at your profile picture and then look in the mirror. 😂😂😁😀😄
9 years ago I asked my crush out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Kiss a Prince.
I've kissed a prince, Mom. I hope it doesn't turn into a frog.
So my husband and I have an ongoing conversation about an item on my bucket list. "What is it?" you might ask. Before I meet my maker, I'd like to ... (drum Roll, please) throw water in someone's face and storm off, hair flying, pissed off while suppressing a giggle. I've been around a little bit and past boyfriends have made me angry, so it seems as though I should have already had the pleasure of such a movie-worthy moment, but I haven't. I've given it years of serious thought and I've come to the conclusion that I simply cannot leave this earth without having emptied a glass of water in someone's face! (anything else would burn someone's eyes and possibly ruin clothing ...
Scene: small Italian restaurant in an even smaller town in the south. Lunch time. Saturday afternoon.
To the couple in the middle booth:
I see you. Pretty girl
with your gray hair and glasses. Tugging your blouse against the fullness of your belly. There is a comfort there at your table. A comfort everyone deserves to feel. Knowing that you and your life are ok. That somebody stands with you.
It is obvious to two of you have been married forever. The shared silence. How comfortable for him to just move his hand and without a word you hand him a napkin as though he asked for it, although he didnt.
I wish you could see how he looks at you. When you look toward the door, when...
I've seen some people hate and all because they got caught in the rumors and lies. It's a funny thing.
There’s this cow, you see, grazing about on a southern Alabama state plain.
Ya’ll know this here creature, it’s sure not a ’Beefer, but rather a ’Milker … and that’s swell.
From the wisp of her tail to the dingle of her bells,
she’s a mighty fine heifer, swats flies as they peck her as sun shines down on her glistening mane.
Her supple sack fills as each dusk follows another dawn.
This lady of dairy has so much to carry, swagging ever so far and along.
Her day’s again ‘bout complete, grass grows ’round at her feet, yet there’s so much left to eat, just as sure as these days are ever so long.
So along by and by, she strolls far and wide…
As a caterpillar slows down to a crawl. Wh...
The relationship between you and me has always been strange.
The more I hurt you.. it hurts me even harder
The tears rolled down my face as I come closer to your soul inch by inch
That's true !
Onions make me cry :)
Once you understand that im hard to understand...then whats understood no longer needs to be explained 😎🤔💪💯
#Days Personified (for you, Jen. Hope you'll like it....lalalala😗)
Red-blooded male and so very masculine
With erratic and unpredictable energy,
And fast fluctuations of those humanly feelings,
You challenge us ,
And shake our foundations,
Inviting us to a duel
With all your might.
No girl marries you for you have got muscles so tight
All the boys envy you
because you hit the gym
every day and night.
*Age: vile people never age. They are kind of immortal to beat the hell outta you. Still go by the number, 105.
#Address: a luxury house which reeks of madness and Dark Arts and is located among a forest whereupon its trees there hangs nothing but the trea...
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day.
So I didn't just "lay in bed and watched TV all day", I traveled very far! 😎
Haven't talked to her since Sunday
No network she says
In the sundarbans
at the Valentine's Day
She talked about fishes
Said she will call me later that day
But two days have gone for gods sake
As she is my outlet
And we haven't jamed like every day
Confused and out of place
M zoning out all day
I got scrambled brains
Coz that b* is not here to fix it 😭
Influenced by chris aka cdog 🙈🙈
So this chick at work was going to buy a t-shirt online that said "There are more than 2 genders"
Is it irony that when she went to check out it asked for M or F?
Monday is that bitch of a boss
Who always makes you do her work
Even though she is capable
Tuesday is that grandmother
Who is always ailing
Even though she's not even sick
Wednesday is the hypochondriac
That's always popping pills
Just to make it through the day
Thursday is your close friend
Who pushes you forward
Even when you think you can't make it
Friday is that girl at the bar
You know the one
The tall drink of goodness
(or water, or beer, or soda, or vodka.....)
That no one can keep their eyes off of
Saturday is that best friend
Who loves you unconditionally
Even when you want to spend
The entire day in pajamas
In front of the tv
Sunday is the e...
Mundane Monday, who lived on humdrum lane met with Turn up Tuesday to spice up her game. They visit Wacky Wednesday but she is just insane. So they head to Thirsty Thursday's to play a drinking game.
There they find Fabulous Friday indeed they are impressed
But in walks Sensational Saturday who leaves Ms Friday in distress
& when the party is over & all is said & done they look for Sedentary Sunday, for she is the calm one.
Start my week off
Halfway through now
Today was Tuesday
Time for tacos
Wednesday, I Get paid
Meow, El Gato
Throw back Thursday
Repost old pics
Do Friday my way
Look at me, sideways
See how I play
Then on Sabado
If there's work
I take it
But it's not that Bad though
booty needing spanking
I'm too perverted
But it's super worth it
Butt is super worth it
Turn around again
and let me see you work it
I'm gonna try this for a change. Let's name some days!!
Monday - Will be the Joker 🃏, as important as the Joker and you know, Mondays make us cry and enjoy seeing us suffer.
Tuesday - will be Bane, after all the torture of the Joker, Bane comes to break your backs with a backbreaker. Torture I must say.
Wednesday - has to be Lux Luthor, basically a villain but he thinks he is doing something good for everyone, when he actually ain't.
Thursday - can be captain cold, evil really, but can be sometimes good and kind as we ease into last day.
Friday - is Superman, of course finally the day of reckoning, but not everyone gets a leave on Friday, but usually superman is the one you wait f...