These days I see dudes flirting with random girls but won't flirt with their own.
I made this my priority to always hit on my girlfriend, daily for 2 years...I ask her for her number but she still won't give it to me...
Saying I got a man already.
It’s funny how that it seems
that the surprises we learn
we seemed to already know.
Mike Tyson is coming over for dinner today and the whole family is excited!
Mom is baking cookies and preparing the salads.
Dad is dusting off the punching bag for the after dinner festivities.
Jimmy and Jacob are vigorously practicing their piano for the appreciation songs they composed for Iron Mike and will be performing them at tempo- “molto allegro”.
“Let’s hope he likes Polish sausages” said Steve, the uninvited republican as he tunes his dusty banjo.
Don't forget your smile no matter how frustrated and depressed you are.
You can change anything except your brain 😂
Giggles are good for health
My dear imagination,
You are not innocent, so don't pretend to be you are innocent.
You are wild, savage and harmful for the soft hearts.
You are same as Corona, actually you are more dangerous than Corona.
Mask can save someone but how can someone save from you?
You must bury yourself before whisper you make in mind.
Give me some advice space and Freedom for myself, it's my life i can deal with it, it's not your business.
Don't freak out at myself or yourself or at anyone.
Take some rest in peace.
My heart - How many times I’ve had myself broken?
My brain - I’ve lost the count.
- Amar Tanveer
It tastes damn good
So ugly and bitter and nobody cares 👌💕
Old and spent never climbs any higher....
Meaningless and used easily replaced...Now you don't see "beauty"😂 come the end of the day...
Fuck it tastes so good..
All the crowing and desperation for love...Got to pity both..a little..
Misery loves company
Made to be..grab a bottle and some cake and it's all so good 😂
Apart from it's not,never has, not even a bit..
What a beautiful future you'll never have, and very well gained by your own hand...
When it kicks in please think of me 😃
In love, worshiped happily..
Ohhh (karma) you taste so good 😋😜😜💓
DEAR ADAM DELUSIONAL,
GET OVER YOURSELF. IF I WANNA LPOK AT A FINE PIECE OF ASS I HAVE MY NOYFRIEND UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL IN 3D. IF HES NOT WITH ME I TEXT HIM HE SENDS ME A SELFIE. IDC ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA YOU,OR YOUR OLIVE OYL LOOKING GIRLFRIEND. GET OVER YOURSELF YOUR NOT HOT. I DIDNT LOSE U YOU LOST ME,NOW CARRY ON VARMENT.
Texts from the builder last week.
"Morning martin marks mum got flooded out on sunday so he is sorting her out so will not get to u till tomz cheers"
The following day Mark turned up at mine, I asked, as you would, hows your mums house?
I said "after the flood there"
He said "eh, what flood?"
After a bit he said "no flood, oh was double booked, gaffer messed up"
So I did a quirky text to Mark's boss.....
"Mark told me about the flood at his mum's house, and how he saw two squirrels being swept away. The silence of the squirrels will always haunt him"
I told a friend I've not kissed a lady in 5 years.
My mate told me "it's like riding a bike"
I can't ride a bike!
Waiting for the Gasman,
Sat here waiting for Tom,
Hopefully my gas fire soon will be gone.
Please come soon you hear be beg,
Hang on is that you at Gregg's!
You might be here today maybe tomorrow,
You've gone on holiday?.....oh the sorrow.
My dearest readers!
It is amazing the things you remberer. When you are talking to a friend, you haven't seen in years. I was remind of a funny story about being young.
When I was young, and dumb. A friend and I got into my grandparents liquor cabinet. And stole a really expensive bottle of wine. And a bottle of gray goose vodka. That was the last time I ever drank vodka. I can't even smell it. Without getting sick, to this day. A neighbor had this really stubborn donkey. So we thought it would be a great idea to take him for a ride. Our high school was about a mile and a half from where we lived. Some how we rode him all the way there. I don't know why the doors to the school was open. But ...
Poem about a Pet: (just being silly)
Companion, Dog, Cat, Turtle,
Rabbit, Snake, Company, Parrot
What can I say, I've never owned a pet
It's hard to keep up with the things I need
Why would I take Garfield to the vet cause his fat ass ate more lasagna than me
I don't go to the doctor unless I'm seconds away from popping out my own seed
Timmy can stay trapped in that well, Now get Lassie
Most see a snake an think that's the companion I need
I want to tie that bastard in a knot for talking to that bitch Eve
Ive been invited to wonderland for a cup of tea
politely look at Alice an said no thank you but, a rabbits company won't fix me
Heckle and Jeckle more...
Here’s to happy accidents!
I started yesterday as a mess!
But then found something that
I’d thought I’d lost! It’s quite fun when..
A day turns around! Isn’t it? :)
Would you rather live on a houseboat or in a log cabin in the forest/mountains?
Would you rather have the ability to read people’s minds or the super power to see into the future?
Well shit this one is hard! I don't know that I would want either but I guess read
Would you rather be hot at night without a blanket or cold even though you are bundled up in covers?
COLD with a blanket!
Would you rather go to your 25th reunion and nobody recognizes you or have everybody comment on how old you look?
Im ok with no one recognizing me! Who TF wants to be told they look old!
Would you rather live your entire life in a submarine in the Mariana Tre...
I love this emoji...is it happy?
Is it lowkey pissed ?
Is it trying to kill u?
Is it tired of ur shit??
Chi chi cheng cheng
Klick klack kleng kleng
At them ferrets
Break those chains
Don't use your head
Use your brains