I don't want to do things I do, but what to do....they have became my addiction....as harder I try to leave doing them more harder they pull me towards them.....and I am left helpless... striking myself hard to leave those habits. Help me god....help me someone.
I love misery
My father told me this
And it’s company I seek out
Man I’m the creator of my own pain demanding to feel it again and again time after time.
Without it I don’t feel right
Does this mean I’m sick ? Mentally ill? Seeking these things that hurt, that can destroy a soul is what I seem to be comfortable with. Man I’m insane put me in a straight jacket and call it a day.
Seeking professional help has not been any better yet they keep telling me I need Meds. The voices I hear lead me to a road that isn’t bad. All leading me to positive thoughts and feelings yet I just keep denying pushing away the fact I’m not normal. Fuck. Not again please. Stop talking to me.
I don’t want to hear ...
He scrubbed his hands
with premature diligence
silly of him
to presume he could
the havoc he had
I've given the wrong people my love
I got someone who loves me
I want right in the head
Running off doing drugs trying to hide in the pain
Even left my daughter when I could have done better
I wish i could take the love i gave to the wrong people..
Made all these plans never followed through. Dont know how to pretend
My heart got stranded. Wish I could have it back. I dont trust
I don't see how I could have done all I done when I was caught up in the game.
Now I'm looking back wishing things were different trying to make sense of my choices. Trying not to let my past cloud my future.
Moving forward going to give my heart to my daughter. Going to focus on positive.
The new year isn't a national holiday in our house. It's always yelling, screaming and police arriving to arrest the same alcoholic man every year. Sometimes I might a joke about it and say "the cops probably know us by now." But they don't and don't care. They think we're just a family that's a waste a time to help... Happy New Years Father... I'll look forward to what you have to complain about...
The parasite inside me
Has made a beautiful home
I finally found a friend
Who won't let me die alone
~Kinky Eskimo ⭐
I haven't done it for 6 or 7 months. I didn't want to take it but something possessed me to. I was walking home and all of a sudden felt the need to turn around and when I did I found myself walking towards the dollars store where I have gone before all that time ago. Now I have it and I don't think I want to get rid of this time. I didn't get it to start again right away..I just actually feel safe with it there in case I end up needing it.
Well, it's that time of year again friends. I made it to the end and I am so grateful I have. I couldn't count my accomplishments on two hands, nor with the toes on my feet. I made Christmas dinner and the family that are still important to me came with gifts and love. It made my holidays all the more special. But watching my daughters open gifts with joy in their eyes, that was the real accomplishment this year. A present mother (me) was likely the last thing on their minds but the best thing of the day. I know I felt that way. Happy holidays DOAMH.
arouses the tongue/
and pleases the empty belly.
#micropoetry #copyrightwritings #diplobugswritings
If alcohol is liquid courage,
then coffee must be liquid luck-
tall and skinny, bottled up.
Drawing energy from what seems to be nonexistent,
-but we all know according to
the law of conservation of energy (humanity) that that can’t be true-
giving and giving until the container is empty,
and all that is left are the stray drops on the inside that no one bothers
Does coffee hold its own symptoms?
It must, mustn’t it?
For how can something give away that which it did not in the first place posses?
I realized today ...
A lie is just like a cigarette.
It doesn't take a big extreme spark to get started.
It doesn't take a big extreme lie to cause pain.
And then it starts to burn away, sometimes at an alarming rate.
Even the little ones hurt and cause pain.
Always ending at the butt.
Always ending with someone feeling like they got kicked in the butt.
There is no such thing as a little white lie or a healthy cigarette don't ask me why.
Lies have no color, nor can they pick sides, cigarettes don't care if they take your life.
No one even cares for the reason why.
They just wish you didn't lie or smoke cause they want you in their life.
Yet for some reason people do them all...
Funny as it may sound, but buying cigarettes can teach you some lessons. No, I'm not talking about cancer or how tobacco can make you go blind. I'm talking about retrospection while talking to the woman who owns the convenience store where you buy your poison from.
I realised it isn't the tobacco I'm addicted to because I still had a few cigarettes left when I last visited the store. It's the conversation I have with her that's my poison.
25 days and counting....
25 days since I smoked my last cigar....
I smoked because of the pain.
I smoked because of the stress.
I smoked because I felt sick.
I smoked because I was sad.
The pain always remains, smoking never cured it.
The stress is still there, smoking never relieved it.
Smoking didn't cure my illness.
Smoking didn't make me happy.
(* Since I have stopped smoking I have craved tacos. I have eaten tacos every day since. If not tacos, some.form of Mexican food.)
I couldn't move. I couldn't feel anything. I could hear all of it though. It felt so awful, so disappointing to be in that condition. To feel that helpless and disgusted by yourself. I had tested my boundaries in the most thoughtless way, had wronged my body, my soul, my being. I had absolutely disembodied all I stand for and represent. What was I doing? What had i thought this would lead to that I so carelessly and irresponsibly tried it?
Drinking had always been fun to me, something to make me less serious, less constrained inside as I'm very much gathered together (overthinking always works in weird ways, sometimes too extreme). However, I was aware of my limits. Always had been. Always ...
I Hate It !!
I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you curl your hair.
I hate the way you drive me crazy
and I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb high heel shoes
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick
and even makes me rhyme,
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even
worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
And something that wouldn't last
was never meant at all.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit,
not even at all.
Shit on the walls
Shit on the floors
Shit on the windows
Shit on the doors
Shit on the handles
Shit on the stairs
Shit on the tables
Shit on the chairs
Shit in the shower
Shit in the sinks
Shit in the toilet
And that shit stinks
Shit in the bed
Shit in the closet
There ain't much around kids
Without shit on it.
Shit and more shit
All over the place
And they just stand there smiling
With shit on their face
Autumns chilled mornings
A perfect time for musing
And steaming coffee.
Oh, to sit outside on a fall morning with my journal and a cup of coffee. Best way to start the day.
#ChilledMornings #SteamingCoffee #CMNovChallenge
When i am with you :
Hours feel like seconds .
I Smile very often .
Summer feels a little cooler .
Coffee tastes a little sweeter .
I laugh a little harder .
My Heart beats a little faster .
And Sometimes when i am with you ,
i can't see myself . i can only see you .