I need to be reminded of all that flourishes and grows
Even though it may be something I should already know
I need positivity constantly shoved down my throat
I begin to sink even though I know I'm able to float
The Character Of The Weary
"At times the grief that I am responsible for instilling into those most dearest to me seems as though it can only be forgiven by their pity at my own death."
Just found out that it was Charles Chaplin's mum that had mental health problems. By it self it isn't an amazing fact, but coupled with the song "Smile".....well listen to the words. It makes sense now.
One little bit of knowledge can transform a songs meaning.
"The drugs don't work" by the Verve was linked to the lead singers dads early death and his wifes ordeal with cancer.
Two amazing songs, but only when you know the history.
So earlier today my son's father stated he wished I'd hurry up and die so he could have my son, which ok so do I 🤷(the die part not him having my son though) Should that happen PLEASE the one thing I ask, I beg, I implore you...PLEASE DO NOT EVER ALLOW HIM TO HAVE MY SON! I have no proof all I have is a mother's intuition that something is wrong and considering all I went through where malicious lies about me were believed while, funnily enough lies painting him as this great guy and good father were believed, it's not exactly something I can fight without solid proof! I'm currently working on getting it, if it's true! I don't know what to believe anymore at all and I'm even more alone now t...
Sometimes its sweet,
And very happily we eat.
Sometimes its bitter,
With its wrapper we litter.
Sometimes its white,
We relish each and every bite.
Sometimes its brown,
Eating it relieves every sorrow or frown.
(8. 2. 2015)
I woke up from a vivid dream. Images of her so embedded within my conscious they felt undeniably real.
She was there! From behind her perfection I remembered seeing the Eiffel Tower, a beacon of striking reality, stood out and cemented my thoughts.
Her slowly flowing red dress on, a perfect vision I had of her.
I knew this lady, but I didn't deserve her, no one did.
I walked to her, I felt butterflies within. I reached out my hand and she held it with a loving touch. As we walked through the park I felt a sense of fulfillment. I knew there was no place and no other person in the world that could make this instance better.
We turned and faced, I had to kiss her, right there...
As she cries out in pain, shadows lurk atound the room, smiling and laughing at her demise. A small red stain lays on the carpet beneath her, growing little by little as another shadow hits her again. "How many years have passed since then?" She asks herself, her mind going fully blank as another lash hits her. Not capable of running away from her misery, she takes a sip from her coffee mug and gets up from the bench smiling, leaving the park for another wonderful day of murder.
Trying to make sense of my emotions after years of masking them in the resin of a flower is as cold as a billboard on the highway in bold black letters that screams confusion.
Smoking brings me cancer
But a, life with you more vital
I prefer the cancer most .
I did it again. $100. A bottle of cheap vodka and dinner for 2 from Wendy's, plus the $60 and taco bell dinner I got 2 nights ago.
I wanted it to feel good i wanted to enjoy it but my body went numb and my mind went blank ... i forgot how to fuck. I forgot how to give head. It all hurt and i couldn't breath. My body made disgusting nosies... i had gross green snot bubbles smeared over my lips and in my eye brows. My pussy sang like a whoopie cushion with each thrust . I tried to get drunk slamming shot after shot but I couldn't catch a buzz to save my life. He loved it though he came all over my sloppy cunt. Then I ushered him away despite his kindness and genuine respect for me . I have a...
Where are you!!? Again!!?
What the fucking hell is this?
This fucking illness takes the fucking piss!
There I was looking at inner bliss
Not too much care, for that nor this
Moving toward a future, hit or miss
Now this shit?
But in my quagmire I cannot brood
And frankly I'm not in the mood
I know the thoughts that will intrude
The sails are up and the ship is crewed
Wooden legs, arms and vision screwed
Down the Pitt?
Or wishing well?
I write this not as to complain
For falling in this hole again
I know the Prang, I know the Pain
I know the Fear
I know the lies
Trying to peer
Through slits for eyes
I'm Sorry dear
Do I know those guys?
The food is here
The Poppy's Field
As I walk through gorgeous field's
My finger's caress the subtle poppies
A sensual love sobbing.
My head held low
Crying hopeless tear's
My endless regret,Wasted year's.
Her euphoric kiss
Taste's so sweet
Silk wrapped skin
O' what bliss
Take my bouquet away
Before I die.
My inner thoughts
Not everything is escapable, when it’s pushing a path down your throat into the pits of your stomach... how do you silence it then? When it feels as though it’s pulling your inner eye lids back when all you want to do is only see darkness, how are you suppose to view the world differently? When it settles inside where your souls should be and begins pushing && pulling your skin to the point of uncontrollable irritation, how do you sit still? Making your ear drums pound but at a pitch so high that your first reaction is to pull out the broken head phones how are you not suppose to listen?! It’s everywhere I go, clinging to everything I touch, covering me as though it were a...
You make me scrambled eggs. I make you coffee.
We Netflix and Chill with few rounds of vodka.
You roll a joint and we head straight to the balcony.
There’s someone on the door. Ohh wait! You’ll have to hide me up.
I hide behind your closet and find some old pictures.
You’ve always had those cavernous eyes.
I hide the picture in my pocket when I see you coming back.
You come closer and start kissing me, slowly and then passionately.
We decide to make love on couch this time.
We make this a routine for at least a weekend every month.
Until a few days back, when you’ve started avoiding every chance to see me.
You confess today you’re no longer into me.
There’s a lump in my throat t...
I’LL NEVER FORGET
2 years sober, 5 years sober,
10 years sober and so on.
It didn’t matter what I had been through good and the bad
What mattered was I had a solid foundation in recovery to build a life as a young adult
I was never ambitious, kinda wallflower, dabbler in many things but I wouldn’t walk through my fear to pursue my dreams.
The one constant in my first 10 year sobering life was that I was so strong in how it was the one thing I was proud of in my life. I did that all on my own, making a conscious decision every single day not to drink or drug. I felt so accomplished. With the help of a lot of support in place. And my strength in my core being from that I will alwa...
Feeling as though I’m forgetting who I am and becoming someone I’m not as I become lost in a world that doesn’t exist. Inner thoughts becoming distant as my physical body goes through the motions. Drowning in to much chaos but diving deeper as though it is my only salvation. As the past becomes a mere memory the future only becomes more unclear.
Hello there Mr Inebriated,
I trust you’re doing well all things considered.
I just had to clear the air about a few things;
1. First and foremost your neediness for validation is really on my last fucking nerve and I can hardly stand talking/texting you because no matter what the subject, it comes out. Instead of saying you miss kissing me, you ask if I’ve been missing your lips. Instead of saying you dream of me, you ask if I’ve been dreaming of you. I can hardly stand how much validation you need. It’s a real problem cause I hate stroking your inflates ego with bullshit pettiness that really doesn’t mean diddly squat. Just stop already. If I miss you, I’ll be the one to t...
"We're all just a bunch of addicts, struggling with our drug of choice." - JmStorm
I'm sorry I was faded for a conversation
I stayed silent around your love
I was overly medicated for our phone call
I didn't know love was more than just a saying
I never showed you how much I really love you
I went through our life without showing you what love is
But I need you to know
That I'm terrified of the future
Because without you I'm nobody
I wish I would've had my phone at KFC tonight. The BBQ big crunch stacker. Double. It was so greasy it slipped out of my hand, off the table and right on my grandmother's lap haha. Ruined those pants for sure. Ive been home for an hour now and it's finally hit me. My stomach is too heavy to move off of this lazy boy. Now with that added to my weekly diet along with bigmacs, sweet and sour chicken, roast beef sandwiches and endless coffee Ill probably live forever.
I talked to an Aussie girl on and off for about 6 years online. I pushed her away again. I've done it several times over the years., She'd block me, I'd look her up a few months later and we'd talk again until I ruined it again. T...