There haven't been any, who have said the words that I can't let out, when they need to be heard; or who have witnessed what I am, longer than one cycle. You have reached further and I am terrified.
It was the whispers that
Hovered over my head...
They kept away the good
I hope you understood.
That pain... pain that
The whispers brought
They hovered over my head.
I wasn't to blame.
I keep a journal because I often forget about the things that happen around me. I forget the things that I've done and I forget the things that I aspire to do. Over time, that journal has transitioned so it is kept in the form of a planner, for convenience. If anything moving happens, I have a journal for those things too, but the point of a journal was that I would remember.
For about 2 months after I graduated and got married, there is a massive gap in my planner from the time in my life when I was most crippled by anxiety and afraid to live. Not because life was hard during this time, but because life was suddenly easy, and I didn't trust it.
I didn't trust my laptop, because I had lived...
In a day there's a lot a person does and think. It's less about them and more about what they have to do next. It doesn't seem quite hard to get through the busy day with thoughts about work and success constantly racing in mind.
But what about the times you catch yourself alone. At night, on your bed, looking and yet not looking at the ceiling but going through some dark thoughts. You realise how long the day has been. With everyday that passes you find a different person residing in you, like a different layer of you is formed each day. Alone I realise, I might have a thousands of friends and followers on social media but I have none to call when I am feeling the demons hidden i...
It’s that time of the year already when fireworks and floating lamps colour up the sky,
Chinese lights, oil lamps and sand colours brighten up this sinned Earth.
But these fail to make my soul swim upto the surface of light and leave the empty space filled with darkness.
Since the time of our separation, my soul has locked itself up in a room and turned off the lights.
Like it wants me to feel, what it means to have no soul and no shred of happiness even remotely touching you.
I feel as if I’m the criminal and my soul is the one paying for it.
This feeling of nothingness within,
Grey is all I feel.
And this is only the beginning.
Please don't count
The stars in my sky
Trying to decipher
A reason why
I say what I do
And do what I say
Please don't come close
And then go away
And leave me empty
Canyons etched dry
By water drops
That slide from my eyes
In flash flood warnings
Laying grooves too deep
Memories float in
And begin to seep
Through to my core
My bones will grind
This ache into dust
And leave it behind.
One way or another we’re all trying to slay our own demons.. different we may be but we’re all equally suffering..
as an individual, the minute you tell yourself that you need someone, you lose the battle you haven’t begun fighting yet. If your success or failure is dependent on the presence or absence of someone, it’s not worth trying at all. Yes, relationships are important but having one with yourself is essential. When you lose out on your own self, it wouldn’t matter how many amazing people you have in your life. You need to have yourself first. Your mind, body and heart needs to know that their stability is in your head and can not be controlled by the world outside you. It’s our tendency to let everyone define what we can and can not do but we forget that their definitions are only valid if we let...
Someday I'll love Elisheva
It's hard loving the shell I am entombed in
There is no way I can ever win
Because, deep inside this shell I am trying to come out of, I am exploding
And, meanwhile, on the outside surface, I am eroding
There is no way I can ever truly be me in here
And that doesn't make me feel any less fear
I am slowly starting to lose the body I once had
I am not saying that, that is bad
I'm just saying that it just is and therein lies the conundrum
And I can't ever take it away, no matter if I feel like I am in the slums
So, loving the body I now have is hard as hell
And I'll eventually love it, no matter my cell
Cell being my body, if you can't tell
It currently isn't doing so...
Last night I sank so low
I could not keep afloat
Back down that deep dark hole
Where no one sees me go
I wouldn't tell a soul
Would not let you follow
You'd never want to know
It's too much to swallow
- Kinky Eskimo
You told me you need me and asked if I feel the same. I said I don't and you got hurt.
This is my worst fear. You wanted me because you needed me. I don't need you but I want you just the same.
I am afraid that when you no longer need me, you won't find any reason to stay. Will me loving you not be enough? I don't have to need you. I want you. I love you. I hope that is reason to stay.
Wish I could move these thoughts from my mind.
Wish I could feel something other than pain.
Most days I accept that I am different, that I feel deeper than pretty much anyone else in this world. That I love with all my heart and unfortunately, there isn’t anyone who is gonna love me with all of theirs. Most days, I am okay with this. I love anyways. I love my family and my friends; I love my job and my clients. I love strangers because this world needs more love and I have love to give.
But somedays.....like yesterday and today.....somedays, I really wish I knew what it felt like to be loved the same way I love others.
And maybe in this life, I’m only to give love and not receive equal...
I have just recieved some awful awful news, an old friend of mine Gary, who I havent seen since he moved back to South Africa,
Well... He commited suicide a couple of days ago.
The man I remember was always happy go lucky, the life of the party, a wonderful generous man who lived his life at a million miles an hour, always with a smile on his face and always quick with the jokes
Im a bit shell shocked at the moment
Why do I chase the things I can't have.
Why do I want to have this one thing so pretty damn much. And every time I can't, it gets more painful more desperate and because of that even more attracting.
I just want the possibility to see her again because I know then we would have a great time. But not even this is possible. And by asking again and again I make her want me less and less. But I can't stop. If there is the possibility that I could meet you and spend time with you I will always be trying to.
I am addicted to you and that drives me crazy. And the worst thing is. I know that if we met you would want me too. But you are too confused to find time and too scared that you could really l...
Come sit next to me
I have a secret
Promise not to tell?
We in agreement?
I want to sneak out
Will you come with me?
There is nothing here
So much more to see
Go on adventures
Get into trouble
Than being in this bubble
I won't go alone
Honestly I'm scared
You just need to pack
I'm already prepared
So what do you say?
Tired of being condemned?
Why are you so quiet
My invisible friend?
I was burning happily in our love until I saw gasoline in your hands.
Its good to be alone sometimes
Away from all the chaos
Away from faking a smile
Away from all the happiness as well as sadness which bothered you all the time.
Its good to take out some time for yourself.
See where you're going in life.
For all that matters is that you thrive.