in that moment,
it felt like I was seeing her through myself.
It was terrifying
to have that heaviness in my chest
and so much sorrow in my gut
without knowing the reason why.
What I felt, felt like a glimpse.
Imagine living like that for half of your life.
I wanted to understand. Now I do.
"You didn't tick the boxes, Ms Hana. We already finished those things on the list."
"You have to tick the boxes!"
"Look (pointing to the pen on my hand). You're bringing your pen along to the the toilet."
"You smell so nice now. You smelled awful the last time."
"Can you wait, please? I have to finish making this for you. I won't see you anymore."
"Teacher Hana! Dad, I can say my teacher's name now."
"Take a picture of me, please."
"I'm making your name Ms Hana (using play doh to make letters)."
"Where's my drawing I gave you the other time? Did you put it up?"
"This is for you and this and this too (while handing me pieces of paper with drawing of hearts shapes)."
"Is your silly m...
"What we don’t bring into light, and don’t acknowledge to ourselves, grows in the dark."
- Dragos Bratasanu
Notes On An Unhurried Journey
Professor T. Ripaldi
"When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore; childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn’t getting ready to live; a child is living. The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question: “What are you going to be?” Courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, “I’m not going to be anything; I already am.”
We adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark, for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. Childhood isn’t a time when h...
I can hardly believe it sometimes
These years passing me by
First few years were the hardest
Some days, I almost don't remember losing you
Some days, I bawled my eyes out
Some days, the slightest things ended up being the biggest triggers
God, the flashbacks were painful
Always, the flashbacks
The same scene over and over again
Regret filled me with wishes that will never come true:
Wishing I could change things I did
Wishing I could change the words I said
Wishing I could say the words I never said
Wishing I was a better person to you
Wishing I understood your struggles
Wishing I had shared your pain
Wishing you were there with me
More years passed
And I won't lie
It seemed easie...
Sometimes, I don't take notice of the people who passes me by. Especially those who seem to be different or peculiar. I realise I seem to have a certain thought about how people are likely to be. I can be judgemental though it's a trait I don't wish to have. Eventually, I realise that the differences are not what it seems and most of the time, they surprise and move me, open my eyes and alter my thoughts.
"I felt lost but also didn't want to be found." She wrote in her journal. She sighed and closed the book.
She looked up to find him standing right in front of her, smiling the kindest smile she's ever seen.
How long was he standing there? How did she not notice? How did she not feel his presence? Was she too engrossed in her words and her thoughts? He always had the knack of catching her by surprise and she finds that super annoying but secretly endearing. The kind of things he makes her feel, it's more than words can say, it's quite simply an emotion to indulge in. "Snap out of it, you got to stay firm with your stand, don't waver," she convinced herself.
He takes a step closer, bent ...
What if i send you some words everyday?
That way, you will always know you're in my thoughts even if we don't get a chance to speak with each other.
It may be my words or words from another person that I quote but always, the intention is to wish you well and hopefully, inspire in little ways.
I would love that. I would really love that.
(from "The Rose" soundtrack)
Some say, "Love. It is a river
That drowns the tender reed."
Some say, "Love. It is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed."
Some say, "Love. It is a hunger,
An endless aching need."
I say, "Love. It is a flower,
And you its only seed."
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath th...
Discover yourself, again.
Look at yourself, your likes, your dislikes, your fears, your pet peeves, your thoughts, your words, your hopes, your dreams, your actions and all the things that makes you who you are.
Get to know yourself, dear.
See that stamp? Be brave - do yourself a favour & discover yourself.
Lagu: Tinggallah kenangan
Penyanyi: Hafiz Hamidun
"Terasa sebak di dada,
Tersurat perpisahan yang telah ditakdirkan,
Abadi dalam ingatan,
Kisah silam terbayang di mata..
Teringat masa bersama,
Kita tawa bergurau senda,
Kini tiba saat berpisah,
Hiba hati terasa gundah..
Kini tinggallah kenangan,
Yang tak mungkin dapat di lupa,
Semusim telah berlalu,
Air mata mengiring restu."
Lagu ini membawa makna buatku. Ia mengingatkanku pada mereka yang telah pergi meninggalkanku.
I still think of you.
I still yearn for you.
I still hold so much respect & love for you in my heart.
Adek rindu sangat dekat mama.
Semoga mama tenang di sana, mama.
That storm inside me,
It's still there.
You don't hear it,
It's still there.
You can't see it,
It's still there.
"No matter what people do to you, say about you or insult you, as long as you kmow yourself and hold on to the truth, you're strong."
A glimpse into my day
Last day of teaching for the year
Me: Children, today is your last day with teacher Hana. Some of you will not be coming back for class at this school. Some of you will be coming back next year and you will have a new teacher.
Child A: But we want you.
Child B: Ya we want you.
Me: It's ok. You'll have new good teacher
Child A: Will he scold like you? 😅
Child A again: Is she pretty? 😆
Me: Umm, you'll find out next year dear 😄
Maybe it's about changing the little things in our lives and gradually seeing it impacting the big things in our life.
After all we always take the little things for granted don't we?
I am always on the move yet still stagnant.
Am I moving?
Why am I still stagnant?
I am doubtful.
Every year Teacher Hana goes through the same cycle of teaching students and watching them leave at the end of the year to embark on a new learning journey. Every year, I watch my students like you coming to me with different needs. Some needs are more complex than others. I watch how all of you grow differently - some of you needed ample time to develop, some of you just needed a little push to develop and improve whereas some of you needed encouragement and reassurance. Of course there were times I thought I did not do much at all. Yet, once in a while , I get encouraged by little things such as seeing the smile on your faces, seeing the look of accomplishment on your faces u...
Role models - I have met so many different people whom I look up to as role models for the person they are. Yet, among so many, one stand out ever since the day I matured and gradually understood his anguish, simplicity and never ending grit. He's none other than my dad whom I lovingly call Papa.
My papa struggled and endured. My papa hurt and loved. My papa did all he could in the way he knew best. My papa persevered to fend for his family.
Don't be deceive, like any of us, my papa is flawed. He is flawed and strives to be a better person. A role model is not perfect. A role model is one who teaches us to be a better person not just by his or her words but often by his or her actions. I ...
"Change yourself before changing your surroundings."
- Quote from TV series, Khidmat Fitrah
"Sometimes people just need to be shown how to get in touch with their fears."
- Movie, The Nanny Express
What's that feeling that you can't go back to how it was or change the choices you made or change your actions back then and years passes you by and you thought that you would never get over it yet you somehow made yourself believed you got over it all and it's all never going to haunt you ever again and at the end of it all, it just takes one...
One picture to trigger a memory
One picture to trigger a thought
One picture to ignite a whole lot of pent up emotions
And it reminds you of that thing that never quite heal inside you all these years.
When does it ever heal? Will it ever heal?