=The Final Chapter=
Can you see my face?
Can you see through the smoky haze?
Can you feel my skin?
Can you feel the warm blood rushing in?
Can you hold me now & keep me close?
Can you stop my mind, from wavering into chaos?
Can your eyes read me?
Can you tell my story?
Are you here to stay forever?
My book's running outta pages,
It's The Final Chapter.
I'm kind of in a vulnerable place right now.
I won't say I'm the best in my class but among the best few or I was amongst them. But lately I haven't been scoring so well, maybe because the praises got to my head or whatever I dunno. Well, naturally my parents also expect the same result as always and anything below it is unacceptable to them.
Some of my practical exams weren't so good, kind of blanked out in the viva voce and the teachers said things.. that I obviously didn't want to hear. However the last blow was from a teacher that I really really respect and admire and he too was.. well, unimpressed. He hinted at me not clearing this year. And that was too much. Maybe it's not such a bi...
Trapped in the past,
For my own good,
Every time I got past
It, the present
Didn't seem so pretty after all,
Was scary in fact,
B'cuz I knew that-
Fighting new demons,
Was more exhausting,
With the ones from before,
Chose the easy way out,
Decided to stay in,
Only till it felt okay,
To be not okay;
Again, embrace the present
Lose the fight, brace myself
Go back to sleep, dreaming
Of the demons from my past.
So fragile, could break with a twist
Those lean, clean wrists
Bearers of watches, untimely slits
Reminders of moments missed,
And all those times someone pulled you up, fists
Fostering fury, strength
Symbolic of courage, to change
Fingers, lingering on a lover
Subtly tracing contours,
Some rugged, with calluses on the crevices
Letting you know of a passion,
Or profession, skill
Prints, markers of unique identity
And the middle, gritty
An astrologic map to one's life,
Conferrer and seeker,
Of blessings and alms, palms
To hold them all together,
To do good and uplift one another.
I see those prying eyes,
I hear those voices rumouring,
And I know I'm not the only one;
But that doesn't make it okay,
There's a reason a person behaves some way-
I don't believe the things you say,
Right on, about someone
So dead sure, as if you witnessed it
It's those ears, I know
Ever so attracted to gossip,
And that over-functional mouth,
Gladly spilling the beans, words
Sounding like one thing, meaning another
I don't blame you,
I too was like this before,
It's a repetitive action, a habit
I can't reform you, and I won't
But I can reform me,
So I ask questions, to my heart's content
Till it feels okay, to believe
Because I know what it feels like;
To be on the other end, of this sto...
Stop it! Let me go,
You call this love?
It's the worst kinda feeling,
I've even known, so
Don't call this control freight "Love",
You couldn't probably visualize,
That the one thing I absolutely despise,
Is exactly at the core of your love-
A form of bondage you've made,
More than pulling me closer,
You've pushed me further away,
My heart caged and feet enchained,
With shackles of iron wrought,
Outweighed other things your love brought,
How I wish things were better, if not sweet
If only you'd let me fly a random fleet,
Paint the town, walk an unnamed street.
Was it too much to ask for?
Was all I believed a total lie?
Sigh, the end is real nigh.
It's exactly a month to my birthday. (I don't know why/how that is relevant here, but well..) I was studying in the reading hall for an exam scheduled later in the afternoon. Mind you, it's pitch dark but I'm certain I heard a rooster go coo-ka-doo-coo. Sit back, hold still, grab your popcorn, here it comes- while walking back to my room there was this dog waiting outside the reading hall, and for no good reason I felt like he was there, just for me. *chuckles*
So I lightly pat his back, as I usually do to my dog-friends and got on my way. But this doggo wanted to play at 4 am in the morning. He jumped and frolicked around me as if he were challenging me to some sort of...
it was easily one of my
best nights ever
smoked a cig and a half
listened to the chillest playlist
never felt better
in that moment
i was never so in love
i could see my reflection
on the phone screen
was never so in love
with the cold
even my body
so overwhelmed with
the smoke or
or the happiness
that it reacted
spilled my guts out
in the toilet
still the happiness
was never so in love
with my shivering unsteady hands
the texture of my hair
the way it felt
on my face
and in that moment
you couldn't hate loneliness
its the best time
you could ever get..
It feels like just yesterday,
When all we did was play,
On the swings and the slides,
That still remember our joyful cries.
"With the blink of an eye, time passes by.."
Now we're in different places,
Day & night,
To support our families,
And fight our fight.
Some of us studying,
Till odd hours of the night,
Dedicating our lives,
To saving others lives.
While some of us who're-
Adventure freaks & nature lovers,
Out with those biker jackets & bikes,
Taking nature trails & risky hikes.
to the tunes of DJ Light,
While some sleeping away,
to numb the pain & feel okay.
All I want to say is,
Everything will fall into place
And you wouldn't even know...
And in love,
With the idea of love.
The idea, that paints a portrait;
Of your beloved,
In the colours that don't exist,
The idea, that tells you;
That love is waiting at your door step,
Dapper in a tux, with flowers in his hand.
Wake up! Love is at the foot of your bed,
With a warm cuppa coffee, breakfast
& the prettiest smile on her face.
The idea, so vivid;
Yet so strong,
That it makes you believe,
If you have been in love before,
And been broken,
It is okay, cuz
Broken crayons still colour the same way,
And if you haven't,
Then it will be an experience of a lifetime.
A life, where everything will hurt a little less,
And your world will be pink.
You're almost intoxic...
The sun knows you too -
When dawn has all but slipped away
When sun starts peeping in from the horizon,
Prepping up himself with the talk you had with moon
The sun knows all about you.
The sun wonders how it is to feel same
Across days, in agony and pain.
He feels the same everyday,
And yet acts the opposite way
To make sure it's okay
To be whatever you want to be,
For the moon to be whatever it wants to be -
Auspicious & omnious,
And the moon waxes & wanes,
Whilst illuminating the dark blue skies
The sun silently burns out for him
Illuminating the moon just right
Not dimming the pretty little stars.
The sun loses out on admiration
For being punishing and harsh
Only the moon knows you,
It feels like the same way-
Different each day,
That infact it is okay-
To have phases & eclipses,
To be auspicious & omnious,
And as it waxes & wanes,
Whilst illuminating the dark blue skies
A sight for sore eyes,
Not dimming the pretty little stars,
Unlike the mighty
bright sun without the scars,
That everyone loves and adores,
In all it's serenity & humility,
Looks at you and says,
"I know. I've been here long enough to know that it'll be alright."
The moon child.
My heart is in recovery-
from it's fictional infirmity,
regaining fresh colour,
with love 'n hope-
still yearns to go back;
to somewhat sad,
guess that is what they call-
The Millennial Rad.
Friendships aren't meant
To be perfect
Cuz what's the fun
In sailing through smooth seas If there wasn't a little bit of a storm
Once in a while?
I wasn't like this before,
But I had to-
Circumstances were to thank for,
Then I got addicted,
Addicted to this state of misery,
And loved it enough
Enough to let it kill me.
"The more you try
to make sense
out of things
the more they tend
to lose meaning."
So here's a chill pill💊
Take it & SMILE.
I've been here long enough to notice that literally so many of us are hurting in some way or the other and find solace in lettrs: A place where you can freely vent all your feelings and emotions.
Usually, I have knack to go off topic and make things complicated but I'll keep this as simple and to the point as possible.
Please bear with me.
Friends, believe it or not I've been there too and I kinda know what it feels like to give someone all of yourself and never be at the receiving end or just feel like you don't have a purpose/reason to live any more.
I understand how when something goes nothing like we expected it to, we blame ourselves which is obviously NOT...
The party's nearly over now,
Everybody's left with their half-empty cups and almost-full hearts,
And I've been here so long that
The deafening bass music is now like a dull hum,
Everyone's breathing smoke;
I'm ready to leave too.
The disco lights have blurred my vision,
The dull hum has caused me a dull ache in the head.
I go back home-
Crash straight onto my bed,
Put out the lights,
Pull the sheets,
As I close my eyes;
Not the memory of the party,
Or the slick dance moves;
Come to my mind,
It's that song you once sang,
That finally puts me to sleep.
Will I ever fall in love again?
Is it foolish to take a trip down that lane?
Is there a kind of love that doesn't ache?
Will I ever find anyone with this
Kanye-attitude but feelings like drake?
I'm only twenty but feel like forty,
And even though we're the spoilt generation
that binges on Rick and morty,
I know well that, Love-
That's merely a word, not a sentiment;
Is easier on the heart and other, parts.
Still wonder, why
Is it so difficult to find someone
with the same definition of Love as I?
Indeed, the end of a beautiful era is nigh.
“If there’s a choice between being right and being kind always choose being kind”
Is what we’re taught all our lives, to be good friends and ideal wives
So in the name of love and friendship and such other, complex relationships
I, happened to make sacrifices to overcompensate my vices
One sacrifice? Okay.
Two sacrifices? Cool
Three? Girl, you’ve got to be kidding me!
But by then, I had already gotten the hang of it
The hang, the habit, the deadly drug-like addiction and high
Of forcefully convincing myself that, I
Was the bigger person & did what was needed to be done
And finally, coming to terms with myself, I realised
I was addicted to melancholy.
In the quest to find, the best
(Idfc? Ifc a lot.)
This arrogance like an armour I wear-
A protective mechanism,
A self-built prison,
That I developed years ago
"I don't fucking care"
Scrawled right across the chest,
Quite legibly bold and shiny.
I'm sure y'all believe it;
I really want you to.
A poorly orchestrated act
Although I cannot explain most of my feelings-
This one has to be at the top of that imaginary list,
Like my imaginative; nearly flawed perception,
I feel like I’m obligated to be nice to people,
So I play along-
Play the character they expect me to.
However, inevitably towards the end-
That is right after the final rehearsal,
When everyone is all pepped up,
I have this uncontrollable urge;
To step down,
Down, back into the burrow;
That I creeped out of,
To not show up on the ‘show-day’,
To let them know, I don't want to be a part of this theatrical lie.
Nonetheless, I play along-
Play the character they expect me to.
He was the moonlight of my dark existence ,
And the sunshine I woke up to every morning.
I’m gibbering and gabbling,
People listening and laughing,
Entertaining my foolishness.
Some odd day; some person stray,
Flashes the truth across my face, tells me
I’m living in a world quite false,
All that I spend my god-gifted breath on;
That my voice speaks,
Revolve around matters that don’t matter,
Hearings that don’t need to be heard.
I say, Shut up no way-
And, shut up.
To not just hear but listen,
Understand more, so much more,
That it baffles me,
Of how rude & obnoxious I had been.
So I let out all the mindful debris from my brain,
And now its empty-
Oops, I let out the very vital instinct as well,
And indecisiveness gladly took over.
For all ...
[Just set me free]
Odd hours of the night
Doing something I shouldn’t be
Its crazy how every single time
Right before something important
My mind decides to be preoccupied
With something as feebly huge as this
The silent chaos inside of it
Deafening me to death
Numbing my senses to sickness
I don’t know if it makes sense anymore
Although I have a thought
That wont settle unless
Allowed to ravage the outer world
“I don’t want to live
I don’t know how to.”
It’s black humour
As funny as someone’s grief
And as serious as a child’s banter
So from the world’s perception
Somehow everything I do is intolerable
Everything I say is insulting
Everything I think is despic...
Victims of society.
Consciously or unconsciously,
You judge me-
Each time you learn;
A new thing about me,
A thing I liked about myself,
But the fear-
Of disapproval from society,
Of falling outside;
The so-called norms,
That define a good civil person,
Smothers my growth;
As an individual, prevents me;
from discovering more of me,
The pretentiousness amuses me,
You cannot close your eyes to something,
And say it's not there, never existed.
You too are a victim-
Of the fundamentals;
This society was built on.
This is your shot at redemption,
Don't call me names,
Don't watch my every move,
Like it was a game you were playing-
And I was just a pawn,
It's my life & I'm proud of;
The choices ...
Yeah, I'm in my room again,
It's just the way I like-
Cold, dark and empty.
Conditioned for my mind;
Screw things over.
I try to calm myself
Thinking I'm a very miniscule part;
Of the universe,
My problems- even more,
So it doesn't matter;
To someone or anyone.
I'm trying to let them flow-
Like the wind that passed everyone,
But no one saw.
If you cannot understand me,
The least you could do is,
Not question every thing i do,
And not ridicule every word I say.
I don't expect you to put up;
With my bullshit,
But don't step in it willingly,
And then tell me;
How horrible I am.
I know it,
And you know it too.
I appreciate your efforts;
In trying to make me better,
Make me someone I'm not.
But why can't you see,
It's too late,
And I don't care.
Although there's this one thing;
That you need to know-
There are many things,
I want to scream out loud,
I want to show to you,
But something stops me,
It says, "you'll hurt yourself even more,
So I promise-
You'll never hear it from me,
But if you happened to come ...
If I were a songwriter-
I'd write songs about you,
That the folklore would enjoy,
And maybe transpose for you,
Then you'd finally know.
But I fear awkwardness,
And losing what I have of you.
Heck no, can't risk that!
Im rather happy being-
An introverted kind of poet,
With all these thoughts,inked
In the rustic pages
Of my notebook & my heart of course.
Unfounded, lost in the sands of time,
In the deepest layers of my unconscious mind.