|UBC Psychology. Writer, Poet and Blogger. http://ishakhaneja.wordpress.com|
I think I am at that point in life where,
I am just done.
but everything is crashing down.
My demons are screaming louder than ever,
trying to eat away the rest of me, whatever is left.
And this time,
I don't know if I am going to fight back.
You are looking in the mirror, staring intensely at a shadow, watching how the spark in your eyes is fading away slowly yet rapidly; you think to yourself that you are not this dark person even though all you see is a black smoke in the mirror. You think maybe this is a dream and you are being provoked or trapped or you are being forced to feel like no one is at your side; for some reason, you are making excuses for this feeling of unfairness to be justified. Why do I feel that I deserve this? You wish the light in the room would turn on and the shadowy figure you see in the mirror will be you, but there is a problem with that too, the light is already on, and you are still looking at your da...
Emptiness- the sense of lacking something. It drives you crazy, just laying there night after night, staring at the ceiling of the room, or getting lost in thoughts while out in the wilderness. Fanatic thoughts, about things that might not even happen or won't exist in a couple months. But you still lay there, thinking about the many things you would normally tell people, not to obsess over. You know it isn't healthy, this behavior, but you do it anyway. But why do you do it? Why can't you control the chain of thoughts? Why is it so hard to stop? And the worst part is the feeling doesn't seem to go away that easy. It takes its time and toll. You are left with nothing in the end. It is not jus...
This year has been intricate. It is said quite often (and is true) that you learn new lessons with each mistake that you make or with every year that you grow older, but this year was different. It was one year where I saw pain up close- the suffering, the grief, the loss; but I also experienced laughter, great happiness, success and everything else there is for a person to possibly experience in one lifetime that I did in just a year. One can tell that this year was a hell of a roller coaster ride for me and my kin. I experienced growth- intellectually, and emotionally. I skipped through big opportunities to stay close to people I love and in return I found better ones. Luck seemed to be on ...
You are going about your day, everything is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. And then something you could have never imagined happens to you. The whole centre of gravity shifts and your world changes. It's been months since that happened and it still bothers you - justified, I would say. It is still a fresh wound. Almost like an engraving on a blank canvas. The marks are deep. Perfectly carved onto your soul. Years ago by, the carvings are merely scars. But something similar happens again. Only this time, it is just a drawing- a sketch, nothing too deep. It doesn't have the same effect on you as it did the last time. You are much more stronger, much more wiser and no one can break you do...
Though the heart doesn't know what it wants, And the mind can't decide between forgiving you or loving you, Both keep reciting your name with a fierce affection!
And yet another time, the night justified its nature- dark. Nothing good came out of it. As if the eclipse had taken its toll. Trust shattered, voices broken, and souls shook.
It keeps you up at night. Keeps you lost in thoughts all day. Keeps you so occupied that you lose track of time, of people and of things that are happening around you. It is not daydreaming, it is just a thought like any other- very much awake and alive. It grows on you. Slowly. Takes over every last space on your mind that was once vacant. Sometimes the curiosity makes you so restless, it leaves you hanging, pondering over the same thing repeatedly, so much that you are stuck. There is no moving on till that curiosity is satisfied, till your questions are answered. But then again, there is no guarantee that you will find that solace in the end. For life isn't that easy or perfect...
It's not easy. Falling in and out of love. It's not as easy as we make it look like. Because we know better, our hearts know better. How much we are yearning to be with that person. Just another time. Another day. But that "another" is without end. That feeling of longing will never be satisfied. The longer you hold on to that rope, the more deeply you will be hurt. The hollowness won't go away. The heaviness, the weight you feel on your chest won't lift on its own. You will feel empty for a while. You will feel numb. But I cannot think of a way that one can avoid it. When you fly so high, you do risk crashing down. It's inevitable, almost. It doesn't mean you won't fall in love again. But it...
Time. It's a powerful and a really beautiful thing. One day you have everything, the other you lose it all. And as cliché as it sounds, it is something that follows us throughout our lives! Time after time, people have disappointed me. But so have I... disappointed them and myself. I don't know why I am like this anymore, feel this way, or just if I want to be this way, but I am not sure what else I can do?! I mean it seems like whatever this is, it's a part of who I am, and nothing that I do, can change it. People lie, so do I. People are hurting, so am I. It's not a cry for help or attention, it is just a way to find someone who will stick around anyway. Despite the imperfections - their's...
Friendships don't make sense anymore. One day you are best friends, the other merely acquaintances. You don't know if making the effort is worth it or not. The drama, the fights, the egos- seem larger than the world. No end to them. No way to sort things out. So what should one do? Keep making the effort or drop it and walk away?
I saw an empty wine bottle last night... then i looked over in my bag and found a writing pad. It hit me then, how much i crave someone telling me something nice at the most random times. So i wrote a letter hoping that on a gloomy day, a person who needs a little hope finds it. And smiles. #AMessageInABottle
Love is magical... I know it sounds cliché but it's true. One day you are sad and there's absolutely no hope for you to get through the day. But the next day you see this person, get to know them, get to know love, get to feel and then there's hope for you in your heart forever.
I don't know how we do it. How we put fake smiles on our faces and go about every day like nothing is wrong. I don't understand how we are unable to say that "I am lonely and i need to talk", as if it's an embarrassment. I don't know when the world, the people around us became so petty that we would rather be lonely and sad on the inside than talk about it with them.
Give people love, care and hope.
They will become human again.
I looked at the sky as the freezing grass tickled the back of my neck. It would never have been enough, the sight of the eternal sheet of clouds that wrapped against all of us. I stared at it for a while and thought to myself. What it was like, to fall asleep under the blanket of stars and not being scared.
Like the moon guarded me. Like the sun came out to show me my way. Was I lost? Another hour passed, and I was still there. On that green bed. Would you ever give up satin, and fur, to spend the rest of your life with the grass and the sky and the roses?
It was after ages, that I felt at home. Like I had found a new hobby. Like living my life and making each second worth it was my new fasci...
I’m confused. I really don’t know if I’m more depressed or more miserable. Are these two any different? I wonder whether I can ever be absolutely happy. Or at least as happy as people around me are. What is so different about them? Or their experiences? Are my problems actually that big? Will this pain ever go away? Or, like the old saying goes, “Time heals everything”. Does it? Really? Things change with time. But that doesn’t mean they get better. It’s a sure thing that with time your priorities change, your point of view changes, but the issue is still unresolved. And as long as the roots are tangled up in your head, I wouldn’t think that you’ve moved on exactly. I would rather say that I...
I guess I was wrong after all...
One never really is alone,
There's always someone out there,
Looking out for you
Been Alive For Nearly Two Decades,
But Never Felt So Dead.
Been Surrounded By A Thousand People,
Yet Never Felt So Alone.
You still dream about the people lost in your memory, fabricated by your nostalgia and romanticized by your broken heart.
And there she stood alone,
with a piece of paper in her hand-
Not Angry But Hurt.
And in that one moment of weakness,
it all came rushing back to her mind.
The betrayal had taken over the memories, faster than she realized.
Amidst all the confusion and madness,
I learned something new.
No matter how many people you know,
People rarely care enough to know you!
Boundaries don't keep other people out...
They fence you in!