|Writer, Poet and Blogger. http://ishakhaneja.wordpress.com|
The calmness of the mind is there,
Yet the conflict exists.
In a state of total awareness,
The self is non-existent.
To find the non-existent,
How does one go by looking for it in the physical world?
For you have to die to enter the realm of something that isn’t there.
The past year has been a year of learning. Learning to get up on my feet when the ground beneath my feet was slipping away. Learning to be on my own, be my own light. Learning the difference between loving someone and understanding that sometimes that just isn’t enough. Learning that even though I am broken, I am not. That there’s always going to be tomorrow and I can do better. Learning that my love for others doesn’t make me weak but stronger in my will to be better. So strong that it’s enough strength for me and them. Often we hear that being a loving soul in today’s world is stupid and that it makes one a pushover. It doesn’t. If anything, it shows the courage that is a rare gem. So be br...
In the quiet chill of the night,
is the soothing crackle of a burning cigarette.
A soft tune playing in the background,
pulls at your attention,
then the breeze hisses by your ear and you draw your attention back to the cigarette smoke,
realising that it was just your mind playing games with you.
That there was no music but just an old faint memory of one and yet again, you lost yourself to it, and left another cigarette burning without a puff inhaled.
You are my last thought of the day,
The first breathe in the morning,
The one i look for even though i know you are not going to be there.
The voice inside my head telling me you’re ever present,
But like the cloud free sky after days of rain,
When i shake it off- i know you are not there.
Yet, you are only thing on my mind.
You still take up space in my head. Wish I could kick you out but my mind seems to disagree with what my brain keeps screaming. Maybe we could reach a compromise and settle on you not calling out for my attention at random times during the day or keep me up at night. A compromise where we only communicate when it’s mutual. Because otherwise what are we doing here?
Not all people are meant to be in your life. They might be the only good thing in your life at the moment but that doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. And sometimes you just endure the pain because if could just push through, maybe you can keep them in your life- doesn’t matter in what capacity but at least they are there. So who is the real toxin here- them or you?
Don’t get me wrong- I really do love you. A lot. But there has got to be a line. A limit to my love for you. I don’t know what that line is, never have. So I am looking for it. For when I find it, maybe I can finally cherish you the way you deserve, just without drowning myself in the endless ocean of you.
Often we hear that “promises are meant to be broken.” They are not. Nothing hurts more than someone you love deeply, not delivering on their words. Because they might not even realise it at times, the toll it takes on you.
The walls you were breaking down to let them in- with every broken promise, you start to build it back up again. This time even stronger. But they don’t even realise it, the toll it takes on you.
You start getting frustrated- not with them but yourself. Because you were the one foolish enough to let them back in repeatedly. You are at fault for exerting yourself by breaking and building your guard for them again and again. Because they are not even realising the toll it t...
The testament of life is funny that way. The thing you longed to have suddenly becomes something that suffocates you to no end. Consumes you in a way it leaves you craving for a way out yet willing yourself to stay put. You didn’t know it was going to be this way, but if you did- would you have wanted it to be any different?
Like an autumn evening, the brain is foggy.
Like a winter night, the soul is quiet.
Yet the mind and heart are sharing warm whispers-
Like two lovers in the fall, warmed up by wine.
At the end of every path,
I hope it’s not a dead end,
And that when I round the corner- i see you.
Because I do look for you- every hour of every day.
Every moment spent praying that I would just get another glance at you, because I cannot remember the last time we were in the same place.
Oh lord, do i have a tale to tell-
But not all stories can be narrated using words.
I think I am at that point in life where,
I am just done.
but everything is crashing down.
My demons are screaming louder than ever,
trying to eat away the rest of me, whatever is left.
And this time,
I don't know if I am going to fight back.
You are looking in the mirror, staring intensely at a shadow, watching how the spark in your eyes is fading away slowly yet rapidly; you think to yourself that you are not this dark person even though all you see is a black smoke in the mirror. You think maybe this is a dream and you are being provoked or trapped or you are being forced to feel like no one is at your side; for some reason, you are making excuses for this feeling of unfairness to be justified. Why do I feel that I deserve this? You wish the light in the room would turn on and the shadowy figure you see in the mirror will be you, but there is a problem with that too, the light is already on, and you are still looking at your da...
Emptiness- the sense of lacking something. It drives you crazy, just laying there night after night, staring at the ceiling of the room, or getting lost in thoughts while out in the wilderness. Fanatic thoughts, about things that might not even happen or won't exist in a couple months. But you still lay there, thinking about the many things you would normally tell people, not to obsess over. You know it isn't healthy, this behavior, but you do it anyway. But why do you do it? Why can't you control the chain of thoughts? Why is it so hard to stop? And the worst part is the feeling doesn't seem to go away that easy. It takes its time and toll. You are left with nothing in the end. It is not jus...
This year has been intricate. It is said quite often (and is true) that you learn new lessons with each mistake that you make or with every year that you grow older, but this year was different. It was one year where I saw pain up close- the suffering, the grief, the loss; but I also experienced laughter, great happiness, success and everything else there is for a person to possibly experience in one lifetime that I did in just a year. One can tell that this year was a hell of a roller coaster ride for me and my kin. I experienced growth- intellectually, and emotionally. I skipped through big opportunities to stay close to people I love and in return I found better ones. Luck seemed to be on ...
You are going about your day, everything is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. And then something you could have never imagined happens to you. The whole centre of gravity shifts and your world changes. It's been months since that happened and it still bothers you - justified, I would say. It is still a fresh wound. Almost like an engraving on a blank canvas. The marks are deep. Perfectly carved onto your soul. Years ago by, the carvings are merely scars. But something similar happens again. Only this time, it is just a drawing- a sketch, nothing too deep. It doesn't have the same effect on you as it did the last time. You are much more stronger, much more wiser and no one can break you do...
Though the heart doesn't know what it wants, And the mind can't decide between forgiving you or loving you, Both keep reciting your name with a fierce affection!
And yet another time, the night justified its nature- dark. Nothing good came out of it. As if the eclipse had taken its toll. Trust shattered, voices broken, and souls shook.
It keeps you up at night. Keeps you lost in thoughts all day. Keeps you so occupied that you lose track of time, of people and of things that are happening around you. It is not daydreaming, it is just a thought like any other- very much awake and alive. It grows on you. Slowly. Takes over every last space on your mind that was once vacant. Sometimes the curiosity makes you so restless, it leaves you hanging, pondering over the same thing repeatedly, so much that you are stuck. There is no moving on till that curiosity is satisfied, till your questions are answered. But then again, there is no guarantee that you will find that solace in the end. For life isn't that easy or perfect...
It's not easy. Falling in and out of love. It's not as easy as we make it look like. Because we know better, our hearts know better. How much we are yearning to be with that person. Just another time. Another day. But that "another" is without end. That feeling of longing will never be satisfied. The longer you hold on to that rope, the more deeply you will be hurt. The hollowness won't go away. The heaviness, the weight you feel on your chest won't lift on its own. You will feel empty for a while. You will feel numb. But I cannot think of a way that one can avoid it. When you fly so high, you do risk crashing down. It's inevitable, almost. It doesn't mean you won't fall in love again. But it...
Time. It's a powerful and a really beautiful thing. One day you have everything, the other you lose it all. And as cliché as it sounds, it is something that follows us throughout our lives! Time after time, people have disappointed me. But so have I... disappointed them and myself. I don't know why I am like this anymore, feel this way, or just if I want to be this way, but I am not sure what else I can do?! I mean it seems like whatever this is, it's a part of who I am, and nothing that I do, can change it. People lie, so do I. People are hurting, so am I. It's not a cry for help or attention, it is just a way to find someone who will stick around anyway. Despite the imperfections - their's...
Friendships don't make sense anymore. One day you are best friends, the other merely acquaintances. You don't know if making the effort is worth it or not. The drama, the fights, the egos- seem larger than the world. No end to them. No way to sort things out. So what should one do? Keep making the effort or drop it and walk away?
I saw an empty wine bottle last night... then i looked over in my bag and found a writing pad. It hit me then, how much i crave someone telling me something nice at the most random times. So i wrote a letter hoping that on a gloomy day, a person who needs a little hope finds it. And smiles. #AMessageInABottle
Love is magical... I know it sounds cliché but it's true. One day you are sad and there's absolutely no hope for you to get through the day. But the next day you see this person, get to know them, get to know love, get to feel and then there's hope for you in your heart forever.
I don't know how we do it. How we put fake smiles on our faces and go about every day like nothing is wrong. I don't understand how we are unable to say that "I am lonely and i need to talk", as if it's an embarrassment. I don't know when the world, the people around us became so petty that we would rather be lonely and sad on the inside than talk about it with them.