Part 7 - The Appointment
Four years ago I had to go to a consultation with a therapist - it was an anger management session, my first one.
How did I get there - I got angry enough to bring physical harm to someone I was dating months prior.
"What made you so angry?" The therapist asked me.
I didn't have a real answer because I never stopped to think as to why. I thought for a moment before answering.
"Well she was talking shit about me," I said.
"It has to be deeper than that," said the therapist and that made me think.
Maybe it's because I was hurt that someone I loved could look at me that way after all I had done for them. I hate to be taken for granted. I hate to feel underva...
Part 6 - The Future
I've worked to confront my old emotional wounding; the first step is writing about it. I have a desire to change.
The next step is to ask myself what my life would look like without it - if I put my negative emotions to rest what would that look like.
I would smile more - it wouldn't be as forced. Happiness would come naturally. I would be more friendly to people; I'd be better at maintaining relationships. I'd be a better son, brother, friend, manager, and a better boyfriend.
That's my future - a better version of myself.
The future doesn't have to be far away, tomorrow is actually the future. What if I was just a little less angry, sad, and insecure in the morn...
Part 5 - Insecurity
I never fit in growing up and that always bothered me. My family didn't have much money but my parents did their best. That's all that matters, a lot of people don't have as a good as parents as I do, but when you're younger you don't understand that. At least I didn't.
I wanted to fit in.
I didn't dress nice, I used to get bullied because of it - that and because I was short and really small. I didn't have a cell phone until I was in junior year of high school and I didn't get my first car until college. Those things don't matter, but as I said before when you're younger they do.
It's a lot of pressure being a teen. It was back then and I think it's worse even now,...
Part 4 - Sadness
My mom and I used to watch the Olympics together when I was younger. We'd sit in her queen bed with snacks and cheer on the USA in every competition.
My favorite was track and field. That's because my brother's and I use to run. However, the one sport that caught my attention was swimming. I tried to learn how to swim but was never good at it so it was interesting to watch people that were exceptional. The way they stayed underwater so long barely coming up for air was mesmerizing, especially at such a fast speed.
I say that to say this - that motion reminds me of how I am with sadness. It's like swimming in the water. You're underneath for so long only coming up for air...
Part 3 - Anger
I love superhero movies and one that I can relate the most to is The Hulk.
In one of the movies another character asked him - "How do you get so angry?"
His response was, "I always am."
That's me - I am always angry. I believe there are different types of anger - outward and inward. Outward is more aggressive and directed towards others - it can come out in the way you treat others and it can show on your face. Inwards is different. It has to do with how you feel about yourself.
I have a tendency to be outwardly angry. I get angry quickly and don't always do a good job of expressing that emotion. It can be aggressively shown through my tone of voice or demeanor....
Part 2 - The Present
I can't sleep at night if I don't call you first. The day cannot end if I haven't heard your voice - that's my life now.
I feel lighter and more joyful when I speak with you. Your laughter is peace to me, there's no better sound.
You make me feel the past less - that's a good thing. I can trust again with you. I can be myself. Opening up does not scare me. Being me feels natural with you.
Usually I am closed off and I don't trust easily. I hold things back and I hide things that I think make me look bad or undesirable.
It's different with you.
I am afraid to close myself off because I know you will feel that. You value honesty and closeness - I want those thing...
Part 1 - The Past
I was tipsy behind the wheel of a car on my way to another bar the night I learned what betrayal feels like. It was my friend's birthday that night - I say friend because we weren't technically together at the time, but maybe lover is a more adequate word choice.
I couldn't feel the car around me - anxiousness does that to me. I lose sense of my physical self and am more in tune with the mental, allowing myself to be overwhelmed with racing thoughts.
I didn't know what to expect. She hadn't answered my phone calls or my texts, but I knew she was out partying - if you're having a good time you're not usually on your phone anyways. I knew where she wa...