I struggle when it comes to building new relationships, whether it be on a friendly or romantic level. I don't care enough to try anymore because I honestly don't believe that anyone truly cares about me. I know that's not fully true - I know I have family that does and maybe a few friends, but I know that number is small. I doubt that at this point I'll meet someone who cares.
The reason I think that way is because of my experiences the past two years. I moved across the United States from Florida to New York. I've worked at three different jobs since I've been here and I haven't made any real friends. I don't have one friend I can text and ask to hang out, go to the movies, or just t...
No matter what you do people are going to talk about you. It's not something you can avoid, I learned that the hard way. I've spent a lot of time trying to change myself so people wouldn't talk bad about me, but you can't please everyone. The only person you can please is yourself and I think time is best spent working towards doing so. When I look in the mirror I still hear the voices of critics, you know it's normal for things to bother you. However I also hear my voice the loudest. If I'm happy with what I see then the critics don't matter. So let people talk, but never stop being yourself to quiet those voices.
to escape from
is no us
i must sleep
where it is
just you & me.
I haven't slept with a woman in over a year; that was the topic of my conversation with my Uber driver tonight. She said it's weird for a twenty six year old guy to not be sleeping around. She asked me if I was still interested in women and if I was depressed. She seemed shocked hearing that from me. She was under the impression that because she found me attractive a lot of other women did and that I'd have a lot of options and opportunities.
I told her she was wrong.
I told her that women don't come on to me often. I'm not the type of guy that girls want to sleep with and lately I haven't been the type of guy girls want to date, at least it feels that way because girls don't pay me much ...
in the heart
to the Earth
is the same
fire that burns
in my heart
causing it to cry
out to you
the same way.
One thing I like the most about my ex-girlfriend is her work ethic. She's a single mom of two kids and she's a manager at her store. She works 40+ hours a week and there was times when she'd work almost twice that in a week. I watched her do that and still come home and be a functioning mom to her kids. On top of that she was a great girlfriend to me and at that time I was a lot to deal with. She was able to juggle all of that and more and moreso I never heard her complain about it or make any excuses when things got hard.
I love that about her.
Dating now it's been hard for me to find someone like that. I started to like someone recently, a coworker. She's Hispanic, very pretty and when ...
Sometimes a step back is a step forward.
One change I made this year was to be more strategic about who I choose to invest time in. I took a break from social media and dating apps so I could focus more on the world in front of me. I took an honest look at the relationships I was involved in, both friendly and romantic, and made some changes.
In the process I lost a lot of friends. I don't have many friends at this point in my life. I scroll through an empty phone most days and spend most nights alone. It's lonely and my life feels boring. It feels like I'm missing out on the things that everyone else seems to have. I feel like I took a step in the wrong direction, but the more I think a...
The fact that I still have feelings for you bothers me, it's embarrassing. I know if you were to ever see these letters I write about you that you would think the same.
You would wonder how it's possible that I still haven't gotten over you when you were able to move on so long ago.
I ask myself the same thing.
I can't answer that question, at least not fully.
I know one thing - you're the only person I've ever been able to be my true self in front of.
My favorite memory of you is when you introduced me into the song "Penny Lane" by the Beatles. It was the first song I really listened to by them and the lyrics were catchy. I remember you smiling at me while I danced in your kitchen ...
Life felt different when I had you. Waking up in the morning didn't feel like a chore. The pains that life brings did not hurt. Sleeping at night was easy. When you're happy the weight of the world is easy to carry. You made everything lighter, brighter. You were the only thing in my life that had any meaning.
And now even years later I still feel like something is missing. I don't care if I wake up. I can never sleep. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, trying to make it through the day hoping that sooner or later days won't feel so empty, so meaningless.
I look into the eyes of so many people each day and feel nothing, but I know if I were to look into yours I'd feel everyt...
J- Jump out of bed each
morning and choose to be
A- Act kind even in the face of
M-Make every Moment
E- Exercise your right to be
Exceptional at Everything
you Embark on.
S- Spoil yourself and be a little
Selfish Sometimes, but also
I chose to start writing on lettrs again because I needed something meaningful in my life and this has always been that to me.
Lettrs is different than other forms of social media. Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat don't have an authentic culture like lettrs. People have a tendency to post the best version of themselves online, working to capture their best moments or to create moments that are memorable in order to be viewed a certain way or just for attention.
Unlike the other forms of social media lettrs allows you to be broken in a beautiful way - to post the moments that are not perfect or filtered. Lettrs allows you to creatively be yourself in a non judgemental community.
I saw a future with you
before we had a present.
I still do now even
though you are my past.
A balanced life would make me happy. I believe that balance is the closest thing we can get to perfection.
A balanced diet. A good work-life balance. Emotional and spiritual equilibrium. Good physical and mental health. I think my life would be perfect if I could achieve those things.
My perfect day would be a balance of the things I love the most. Quality time with family. Work. Exercise. Time set aside to listen to music, read, and write. Trying a new restaurant or going for a long walk. Time to pray. The basics.
It's simple but that would be my perfect life, my perfect day.
I usually ponder before I wonder, but a spirit of adventure came over me that night.
I am usually shy, but I could not let this opportunity pass me by.
It was something about your eyes and the way they shined; 40 Suns could not be as bright.
And your smile, it was genuine and wide; something about you told me you were nice.
So I danced in the darkness and through the crowd - Cupid shuffle and electric slide just so I could get closer and say hi.
I made it through in time and there I was right by your side.
I wiped my face, I was nervous inside, but finally found the courage to say hi.
For a second you were quiet and I wondered why I tried; the words that came next almost made ...
I think of everything as preparation, especially the negative things. The past few years have taught me that.
Last year I got fired from a job for the first time. I got caught up with a few coworkers and it put me in a situation that did not look good in the company's eyes. I got fired from a job that I loved, one that I wanted for so long; one that I was denied in the past and here I was getting let go after having worked hard. I spent two months unemployed and for someone like myself who is a workaholic it was a hard time for me. At the time it felt like my life was over - I felt like a failure and I found it hard to see any value when I looked in the mirror. However what I didn't know w...
is like trying
I know I'll never see you again but it doesn't stop me from feeling. If I did see you and told you how I feel I know nothing would change. There's not a reality that exists in which there is an us. I caused too much damage and yes, time heals, but time heals with purpose. The purpose was for us to learn, to let go, and to not look back. I know this, but it doesn't stop me from feeling. I dream about you at night and during the day. I miss you as if I lost you just yesterday. I have so much to say, but no one to say it to because those words are for you. I love you. I always will. I've tried but I can't get rid of the way I feel.