there are those
that make me forget
about the weight
of my burdens
and then there is you -
the only one
that helps me carry them.
Being on Lettrs is more than just about writing to me, it’s about connecting with others. Lately I’ve made some really good connections.
I actually made a really good friend on here. I’ll call her A.
I remember the first time she messaged me. She was very friendly, but one thing I liked the most about my conversation with her was that she was open. She was fully comfortable being herself and she’s genuine; you can tell that by the way someone holds a conversation.
I gave her my number and the first day that we text she asked me to call her. I think we spent four hours on the phone that night. She was energetic, positive, and interesting. I don’t think I could ever be bored with her.
When I was in elementary school I learned how to plant. If I remember correctly, everyone was given the task to plant a small flower and bring it back after a period of time to show the class.
I remember digging into the soil and planting a very small seed. I couldn’t imagine that overtime something so small would turn out to be something so big and beautiful. My parents told me to plant the seed in view of the sun so it had the proper light. I had to water it as needed. I had to be mindful.
I remember checking each day, hands pressed against the living room window staring to see if anything had changed. I did that every day until I saw something. I jumped up and down when I saw the first...
Growing up I was always closer to my mother. My father was in the Navy so it was normal for him to be gone six months at a time.
I think being closer to my mom is what shaped my personality. I’m not a dominant male; I’m more sensitive and I learned a lot from my mom on how to be. She is genuine, a good listener, and caring. My mom has a big heart. She is helpful, selfless, and compassionate. That’s what I learned to be.
I learned a lot from my mom. She gave me valuable insight into the mind of a woman. I learned how to treat women from my mom. I think that’s why as I got older most of my friends were and continue to be women. I think women are smarter than men. Guys can sit around for hou...
Life is hard, that’s inevitable but we as people can make it harder with the decisions we make.
For the past few months I’ve been horrible at making decisions and life is much harder.
Like most people, I’ve been spending a lot of time inside and one thing I’m learning is that I have to be able to ask myself the hard question.
For any situation you find yourself in or for any relationship you find yourself in ask yourself “Is this an asset or a liability?” If you can’t answer the question right away, usually it’s a liability.
I ask myself that question about everything now. My job. My relationships with friends and family. Even day to day decisions.
“Is this hurting me or is this hel...
I am a work in progress. There are a lot of things about myself that I don’t like. I struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. I can admit that.
However, I have enough sense to know what I do and don’t deserve.
I know that I am understanding. I’m patient. I’m kind. I’m a good listener and I’m there for people. I’m reliable and trustworthy. As much as I can I help others with what I have. I’m caring. I’m open.
I deserve nothing less than what I have to offer and I won’t feel bad for believing this. I won’t feel bad for cutting people out of my life that can’t do the same for me as I can for them.
If someone doesn’t see my worth then I can’t allow them to be in my life. I’m still learni...
You were my compass.
Without you I feel lost. I don’t know which way is up or down, north or south. I don’t know which way is left or right, east or west. I’m lost.
I don’t know if I should go backward, to go back to you. I don’t know if I should go forward and move on. I don’t know I should be still and wait. I don’t know which move to make.
I’ve lost my sense of direction.
I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been heartbroken. You leaving didn’t hurt me. It didn’t break me.
It left me feeling something different than I’ve ever felt after a breakup.
I feel LOST. I am LOST.
You were my compass.
More than anything I wanted to give you a love you never had.
I listened when you told me the stories about your past, about your last. When you told me that he forced you to give yourself away I made sure I never pressured you. When you told me that he was violent and forceful I made sure I was gentle and soft.
I made sure I was there for you because I know no one ever had been. I made sure I listened because I know you’ve never felt heard. I made sure I was thoughtful so you never had to question if you were on my mind. I always told you how I felt so you never had to wonder. I wanted you to know and be secure because I know you spent your past being insecure. I made sure you trusted me...
I was supposed to sign my job offer this week, but the company offering me the job postponed it. The training center is closed and the stores may be closing soon too because of the coronavirus pandemic.
I was looking forward to start working again. When I’m going through something I usually dive into my work. I’ve always been that type of person.
I keep thinking about someone I shouldn’t. I blocked her number, but that only stops her from calling or texting me. What do I have to stop me? I take it one day at a time. Each day I don’t give in is a success, but I don’t know how much longer I can go. It’s hard during these times when most of the day I’m stuck inside alone with my thoughts.
I’m in a dark place. I have a lot of negative feelings about love and relationships right now because I just got out a a bad situation. I took a chance and opened up to someone and it didn’t work out. It made me question my worth. It made me question my ability to give love and it made me question if I deserve to receive it. Right now I feel like I do not deserve true love. I feel incapable of loving someone. I feel worthless sometimes.
I don’t like to be negative, but I have to acknowledge my feelings. If I don’t acknowledge them then I can’t work on them. You know, everyone has negative feelings at times. You can ignore them and eventually they’ll become overwhelming to the point that you...
I tried with you, more than I’ve tried with anyone else. It seems as though the harder I tried, the harder things got and that’s how I know we aren’t meant to be. When life keeps giving you reasons to go down a different path you can’t ignore it for long or it will destroy you.
I remember the first time we were going to break up. I felt it within myself that the relationship was too much at the time; it was too early for things to be so hard. We sat in your car and you read a letter I wrote. I saw how sad it made you and you just looked at me. It broke my heart more to see you down than it did for me to look in the mirror and see myself down so I stayed.
I convinced myself that the weight...
I keep thinking about the last time I saw you. You were laying in bed next to me half asleep, smiling. I remember running my fingers through your hair and kissing your forehead. “You look like an angel,” I said and you opened your eyes. You pulled me in for a kiss and we just looked at each other. It was quiet, much like my room is now. We were at peace. No interruptions. No drama. No bullshit. We were in a safe space, a place where we could be ourselves. Just laying. Enjoying each other’s company. That was just a little over a week ago. Now I lay in my own bed, over a thousand miles away, staring not into your eyes, but into an empty phone. Only quiet, no peace. There’s no more us, no more y...
I’m single now and I think I’m going to be for a long time. For some reason I am not good at relationships, at least not long term relationships.
I’m not good at picking people. I don’t want to talk bad about my ex, but all I can say is that she wasn’t for me. I need someone who is open and honest. I need someone who is good at communication. I need someone that can express their emotions. That’s what I need and naturally she wasn’t that person.
You can’t change someone or expect someone to because you enter into a relationship with them. Before we started dating I knew what she was like. She was closed off, secretive, and untrustworthy. I was foolish to think that if she liked me or love...
Today is one of those days that I have so much to say, but no way to say it. I have so much to write, but no way to write it. I have so much on my mind, but can’t think properly. I have so many emotions, but no way to feel them all.
My head is loud, but today is going to be quiet day. Today I’ll be silent.
I had an interview today. The guy looked at me and asked “Who are you, what are you looking for?”
I didn’t know how to answer at first, but I just started. “I’m 27 years old now, just looking to get myself established. I want a family one day and I want to be able to take care of a wife and a child.”
I have never really said that out loud to anyone before and I was surprised myself. I’ve never really wanted these things before until now.
I told him. “When I was younger I was really big into partying. I was pretty out there, but none of that stuff has meaning to me anymore. I’m looking to make decisions that’ll help me long term.”
That was surprising to me too because I don’t usually th...
I haven’t written on here in a while. I usually do when I feel lost; writing has always helped me find myself. So here I am, writing.
I love someone that betrayed my trust and I’m not sure what the next step is.
After I lost my job a month ago and left town my ex-girlfriend at the time started talking to her ex again while we were supposed to be fixing things. She lied about it for a while, but finally told me.
I was broken, well still am. I thought our relationship was better than that so I was surprised that she could hide something of that magnitude from me; it made me wonder what else she would and could hide.
It also confused me because I didn’t understand how she could go back t...