|Do you ever feel alone in a room full of people?|
If I can even call you that. You are far from what a mom should be. You aren't supportive of my dreams. you tear me down every chance you get. You never care to take to therapy to make sure my mental state is okay after the trauma I went through. What did I do to you that I deserve this treatment? Is because I didn't give you money from my savings that I share with my boyfriend? Are you that petty that you resort to giving me the silent treatment or even worse, treating me like I don't exist. That was always your expertise, use me until I'm no use anymore. You have no idea the pain and heartache I go through when you do this. One day I won't be here... one day you'll push me too fa...
You talk to me like nothing happened.
Like how 5 years ago I told you to stop
How I told you I want my cousin back
How I told you that I'm not feeling like a person, but like an object.
How I told you go back to your girlfriend so she can give you pleasure
How I told you I hate you...
But you never listened....
you never cared...
Now fast forward...
I see myself the way you saw me Five. Years. Ago
I love you.
Not because you buy me dinner
Not because you call me beautiful
Not because we make love
But because who I am when I'm with you
I'm free, artistic, and most importantly loved
Thank you for treating me like a lady
I. Love. You.
I knew you would back out, you were never good on making promises. I should've known from the past when you broke the first promise... " this is the last time".
"Your daughter is so well mannered", "your daughter is so sweet", "your daughter..." that's all I heard throughout my 26 years of living. Because of you, I don't know who I am. I don't know if I like my hair up or down. I don't if I like the color yellow or if I don't because you always told me it washes me out. I don't know if I like short or long dresses because you always told me my legs are too long and you didn't raise a whore as a daughter. All I know is I just wanted to make you proud. Someone you can brag to the family, but I realized I won't be that daughter. I'll always be your punching bag, your biggest disappointment.
How dare you call me selfish. How dare you say I was only thinking for myself. How dare you judge my heart and soul. I didn't ask my sexual abuser for a favor for my own health, I asked for us. I asked because I was tired of living in a house of lies, deceit, and betrayal. I asked because YOU are my home. My one place where I can be myself. Where I'm not scared of falling asleep or have nightmares.
But no, I asked for myself. Because after all, I have more to lose than you do.
It sucks that we are still in this pointless fight. I love you, and what I did, I did for US. Not just for myself, but for our future together. I'm sorry I disappointed you. Even though you have forgiven me, I know deep down you will always be disappointed. And you don't even ask me how I feel. I feel cheap and dirty. I feel like I sold my soul, but I know at the end of the day we have each other.