|Logic hasn’t led me wrong so far, but maybe if I knew the way of emotions, they wouldn’t either.|
Today is long. So long. We have laughed, sang, and cried.
We have tried to sleep and carry on, not worrying about Tuesday and the money we need for her cremation and all yet.
It doesn’t sting at this very moment, I know it will. I know this sort of thing hits in waves.
It sort of feels empty but all the same all at once.
I’m more than happy I was able to be here for my family, but I know mama wants me to do well finishing the semester at school.
So tomorrow I’m going back, that way I can maybe rest before finals and get some necessary work done.
He sings her favorite songs to her one more time. He breaks into sobs over her head.
The funeral home is here now.
Even in this loss, Pops never loses his touch. He sneaks a couple cigarettes into her shirt pocket.
Roscoe had to be put out while the new people are here, he whines and scratches the door trying to get back in. He misses his human mama.
It’s only been three and a half hours, but so do I, Roscoe, so do I.
By now, the room has mostly cleared. We wait for the funeral home to arrive.
Pops stands, leaning over her bed, crying. After 25 years of doing for her, after so long of living to take care of her, he feels as though his purpose is lost. Now he will live for their kids, for her sake.
Pops is broken. He pangs with grief and guilt.
After praying this morning, his first words to us were “I’m sorry I didn’t do more to take care of her.” What he can’t see is that he has done absolutely everything he could.
She was a strong woman, and no one was gonna tell her what to do or when to go to the ER. Not even Pops.
One last time, Pops plays her favorite songs for her. “I’ve done this for the last...
Those on the verge of death truly revert to the stages of a child.
As I sit here writing, I am to the left of her hospital bed back in our home.
The home is overrun by the sound of her breathing machine and her favorite show, Dr. Phil.
Her bed is decorated for her favorite of the holidays: Christmas. A wreath hangs behind her head, with white and red lights glowing soft and sweet. Tinseled garland lines the foot of her bed, as a string of multicolored lights blinks on and off, on and off, until the end of time they will blink on and then off, on and off.
She lays in bed, head leaning to the right, as it always has. She's resting, her medicines not for another two hours and she, not curr...
I don’t like nightmares. Not at all, and especially not consecutively. Even more so not about my parents. Or when I’m alone.
I keep having them, despite not having a reason for them to happen or anything. I don’t know what to do. They seem so lifelike. And with the amount of dreams that actually come true for me, it’s slightly terrifying.
If anyone has any tips on how to help rid myself of them, or how to feel less scared and more secure, please please share.
Sincerely, the inner child masquerading as an adult
Life with Ehlers-Danlos can be hard. Trust me, I’ve lived one of my hardest weeks this week.
Last week started okay, I had a knee hurting decent but that was all.
Unfortunately, it always builds and it neared the peak Tuesday but truly hit on Wednesday. Wednesday, both knees and hips were in pain. I could barely stand it to walk. But I couldn’t sit or stand quite right either.
I’m a bad patient and don’t like to take my medicines. I generally don’t until I start to hurt, and even then, it’s up in the air whether I take it or not.
That said, it’s been bad enough I sought out taking it on Wednesday. I found I didn’t have it here at school like I thought. Turns out, it wasn’t at home either....
What a rush, what a thrill!
To spend time with my man.
To feel his soft, cool lips
Upon my own.
To grasp his hand in mine
To know the affection he has for me
Listen to his words,
They are full of knowledge
Yet sprinkled with a child’s silliness above all.
Hear his laughter,
It echos with love and enjoyment.
Smell his home, not quite overwhelmed with cinnamon’s weighty presence.
Look, see the smile he wears. Teeth shown, eyes crinkled.
Get lost as he draws near
Admiring the way my eyes are more blue tonight
Than the green and gold of days past.
I am so tired. So tired physically. Mentally. Socially. So so socially, emotionally tired. I want to just leave my social environment and be solitary for a bit.
People still don’t, no matter how I try to explain, understand that I don’t like to talk just to talk. I like to talk for a purpose, and I’ll make concessions to talk just to talk with you sometimes. But I cannot live when all day, every day, I am asked to do as such.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t force myself to be that way and live a sustained life, let alone a good one. I’m sorry if this makes you all unhappy, but I speak with purpose, not just because, and I will not make myself stray from that.
There’s nothing I want more than to live a happy, healthy, love-filled life with you.
There’s nothing I want more than to succeed and make my family proud.
There’s nothing I want more than to learn all I can, to get to my masters and doctorate already.
There’s nothing I want more than a simple life and love.
There’s just, nothing I want more than everything above and more. My hopes, plans, and dreams are ever shifting. I’m rapidly growing and changing and chasing more and more and more. But there’s truly nothing I want more than love.
On the lettr I wrote September 4, 2014:
I have since forgiven my father, we have a well enough relationship, and I hope it gets better still. I am still his outspoken favorite, I am still who he wants me to be within who I want myself to be. Now that we're out of the heat of the divorce, now that he's back in Georgia, and as I've grown over these past five years, things have got better.
On the lettr I wrote October 26, 2014:
I still feel relatively out of place in the church when I'm not actively a part of the choir. If I just have to exist there, I feel so foreign. Especially when I'm away at university most of the time. My family is still as comfortable there as ever.
I'm concerned ...
It's late at night, or, maybe you'd consider it early in the morning, but either way I am here instead of sleeping soundly.
Perhaps I am not tired.
Perhaps I am overly tired.
Perhaps I have lost my interest in sleep for the night.
Perhaps I have found myself going down a rabbit trail instead.
Perhaps I am worried,
Perhaps I am sick with uncertainty.
Perhaps I am filled with conflicting beliefs and actions creating cognitive dissonance within.
Perhaps I am trying to manage my uncertainty through aversion.
Perhaps I am physically unwell.
From the list I pick and choose what to say I am, in the list I hide myself and where my feelings stand.
From the list I let stress ...
I deceive myself in emotions. In my mind, I can dodge any of them if I just move on.
But when I write, I take care of myself and my emotions again. It’s a painful process, but it is always for the best.
Hey. Things are pretty great right now
I've got graduation things goin' on, classes good and scheduled for fall, more and more scholarships being put in for now. I know I've been gone a while, but I'm trying to make this a habit.
Thanks for being here for me, Universe. Love ya.
I spend a lot of time with an empty letter sitting in another open tab on my computer. Many times, I do not know what to say, and so it sits from minutes to hours.
I start, and think that I can write something small and simple and be done.
But then, with the five minute limit, it seems so difficult to get anything out and seem decent or alright.
I love addressing these things to the universe, but sometimes I just don't know what to say, and I feel like I would look a bit crazy to have been so upset the past while and feeling as though I am so much better right now.
I am unsure of how everything is going to be and last. I don't want to just ramble here, as I currently am, but I want to...
Things happen. People are revealed. Everything changes. Time still does pass.
I feel really well right now. I think this paper depicts me well at this point in time.
I feel so. . . empty? I guess, empty, inside.
I try and try to do what I can and be better, but nothing works and it feels P-o-i-n-t-l-e-s-s.
I feel sort of, dead. Nothing makes me very happy, and if it does, it doesn't last more than maybe a minute.
I feel sad, both generally and in the fact that I can't seem to be happy. I want to be happy, and/or see a point in anything.
I know I'm on the verge of a breakdown of sorts, I have been, just have been pushing it off. It's difficult, and I don't want to complain, really because it makes me feel guilty.
I just want to be able to get this out.
I just want to be able to get out.
Hey. I know I just wrote yesterday, but I need to make this a habit, or I think I may drown.
My brain doesn't want to function, but my body doesn't work in the right way as to sleep, so I have to figure something out.
How are you?
Today is a great day all considered, with Jesus rising and having saved us so long as we accept him.
I am so tired.
I'm not sure what to write about, but writing needs to happen, so I guess this is it for now.
Hey, yeah, I know I told you I'd write more, but well, exactly a week after that last letter, I was in a car wreck. I'm sorry to not be here a while, but I have had a very severe concussion, plus whiplash. Crazy, right? I'm still trying to deal with it, I'm honestly sort of back to square one with this thing, except in the sense that everyone expects me to be better off now and be able to deal with it.
My emotions are still a mess, and my head is still dreadful. The only difference between now and then is that before, I hadn't had a nerve block or tried any of the handful of medicines the neurologist had me try. And now, I've had a second nerve block, have tried all the head...
Hey, it's been a while. How are you? . . . I've missed you.
Yeah, I'm alright, thanks for asking. Well, honestly, I am really great right now.
I have two nice scholarships on the line, less than a week away from hearing from Vanderbilt about whether or not I've been accepted. There's a boy I'm fond of, technically we've been in a relationship for ten days less than 2 months. I think this might be a lasting one. He's never had a girlfriend before, so it's a little rocky, but it's alright because he's a pretty quick learner and we're understanding of each other in our faults. We have kissed exactly once, and it's a nice thing, how slowly this is going. It's eight days from...
I am more and more fascinated by vaccines, I write more and more about them, and this, as I expected, is exactly what I want to do with my life. I am starting research over the conflict of required vaccination of children going to school, and the compromise given by schools in the shape of religious exceptions, etc. I will be writing a paper over it, and am consumed by my interest of this form of saving lives.
I am saying goodbye to Neko this week, as he leaves for his second year of college today, as classes start on Monday. I also have two classes starting on Monday. I am semi excited about learning in the elements of statistics and intro to world lit. I'm curious to u...
First off, let me express how fitting a paper this is! I enjoy the theme working with me.
Now, on with writing.
As of Saturday, my brother is in Georgia, living with my father and his wife. His room is all set up. As of yesterday, he was registered in school. He should start going any day now.
Sunday was Sundae Sunday, well, in the evening anyway. It was a very enjoyable night at church, I spent most of my time with the little kids (not even 3) as they wanted to join in racing with kids as big as 9 or 10. I was scared they'd get trampled (and the one second I look away, they do). I had a great time running with them and carrying them while I ran.
I haven't written in a while, but this is a spectacular time. Yesterday, I was surprised like never before.
Wait a second, let's back up just a bit before I go into this. I am an avid Christian, and church goer. I live in a military city and people come and go consistently, when they arrive and attend my church, I try to welcome them as warm as I can. Sometimes that first hello leads us places.
That's good enough, I think.
Yesterday morning, starting at 1030, I was in the coffee shop, working the register. It was a normal morning until there was an unusually ordinary order, a plain black coffee. And that was it, he was there.
Nine months ago, I had never sen...
I should have got back to you sooner.
I don't have the money for the classes still, and that saddens me. But more than that,
My brother is going to move away. He will be leaving us in TN to go live with our father in Georgia.
. . .
But, it will be better for him..He will have a better school to go to, he has friends down there, all that good stuff. So that's good for him.
I don't really have much more to talk about.
These days are . . . uncertain. They are uneventful and bland. They are disconnected and hard to deal with, and not writing here makes things even worse.
Lately, I can only think about how my family is becoming distant. Falling apart really.
My brother is with my father for a month, and I am falling apart. You know he was never really really present at home, but now he's just, gone.
My sister is wanting me to help her make a collective and that's cool and all, but not what I'm so interested in.
I still don't have the money for classes and time grows short. It's hard to trust God but I am trying.
Mom isn't great, she may have internal bleeding, but she also ...
I feel silly doing this, and I don't know how Lettrs feels about things like this, but I need some help.
I'm a college kid, but it's expensive and I only learned recently about my tuition that should've been covered, but the school was late turning theirs in so it didn't happen.
There isn't enough time to get a job and pay for it, otherwise I would, but I was convinced to start a GoFundMe so if anyone would be willing to help or share it, I'd appreciate it.
Thank you, Dear Universe, especially my friends here at Lettrs.
I am feeling more and more lonely lately. More isolated. I just sorta feel empty inside, and I think its been building that way a while.
In other news, I am registered and confirmed for my two summer courses. I still have a month until they start though.
That being, I have just about nothing to do for a month. Well, excepting housework. We will be cleaning out the garage this week.
I don't think I have anything more to say. I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in hearing of how empty I feel and saddened due to the way I have lost people and how I know they are enjoying others right now.
I am currently unable to sleep.
My jaw currently hurts, as if a wisdom tooth, location wise anyway. It's semi unusual, I do clench my jaw though.
I don't know, I'm getting distracted,
A) He is willing to talk to me. I do not have a clue of what to say.
B) My throat has turned cough, and I do indeed have an infection. But I am good not to be whiny this time, what usually make me unbearable when I'm sick and at home.
C) I am tired, but I also just woke up. That being, I am here, and that being I saw, and that being, I know what my mother told Fred.
C2) Throat means homemade cough syrup. Mixed with honey, it tastes really lovely.
D) I love my mother.
E) Good night