|Writing is a beautiful and honest way to bare my soul. I love it. :-)|
I want you here with me.
I want you to hold me, to feel your chest on my back and your warm breath against my neck.
I want to curl up in your arms, to feel them hold me tight against you, never wanting to let go.
Yet, I know you're not coming, as I fight the urge to inquire.
I know your curled up, asleep, in your own bed, unlikely to get my good night text until morning.
So I fight the urge to message you, to let you know I'm thinking of you, wishing you were here.
Knowing it is best that you are not.
For my heart is laying open on a platter, leftovers from a meal long forgotten.
When you told me you didn't want to be without me, than let fear change your mind.
Once upon a time,
When I was young and naive,
And you had more exprience than me,
You made a promise, to not accept my virginity.
For our friendship, was what mattered most to me.
You agreed, and kept your promise, even after I forgot.
You kept your promise, even when I teased and begged, when I grew angry, and felt unwanted.
You kept your promise, even when I taunted and teased, and you fought your desire to give in.
You kept your promise.
Twenty years have come and gone, and our friendship is still strong.
Gone are the days where I begged and pleaded, taunted and teased, while you learned about self control.
Gone are the nights, curled up in your arms, listening to you softly...
Hint of betrayal, lies on your lips.
Truth untold, reality accepted,
True desire denied.
You told her once, with tears in your eyes, that it's always been her.
You kissed her once, for all to see, because you wanted everyone to know.
You planned with her once, baby names choosen, wedding destination decided.
You told her once, it will just take a little time, for there are things I must do.
She accepted your tears.
She caved into your embrace.
She let her walls fall as together you made plans.
She waited, patiently, for you to finish the things you must do.
You changed your mind,
It all disappeared.
She's left feeling abandoned and lost, betrayed.
You continue down the path that on...
I'm in Lala land.
A place I have not been in a while.
A place I could keep myself in for days.
A place that, now, slips through my fingers within minutes after you leave.
Until today, with your surprise visit.
I remember the way your face glowed when you looked at me.
The smile, that you reserve for me, filling your face, and how soft, yet strong, your lips felt on mine.
Similar to the first kiss we shared, all those years ago.
You kiss my forehead, as you hold me close, and your hand start to wander south, is I wiggle to keep you from touching my most intimate of places.
For we are embracing outside my apartment, and it's to early for me to be feeling adventurous.
I just want this mome...
Early morning knock on the door.
Groggy, night of restless sleep,
After two days of sickness induced sleep.
Hair, two days unwashed.
Body, two days without a shower,
Oil, grim, and stench all over.
Morning breath upon my mouth.
Knock, knock on the door.
Unfocused eyes open to my lovers smile,
After over a month apart.
He pulls me in, ignoring the stench, oiled hair, and morning breath, and gives me a much longed for New Year's kiss.
Continues to ingore this unsightly side of me, and holds me, as if he never wants to let go.
My heart aches at our separation.
My mind wanders to memories of us together.
My body yearns for your touch.
My soul understands that everything is as it should be, even if my mind bucks the suggestion.
I need this time to walk my path, without fear in my heart.
With trust that I love and I am loved in return, and the knowledge that I'm not truly alone,
For you yearn for me too.
I am no longer haunted by you.
For you're on this path with me, you're just taking a diffrent route.
I need to trust that time will bring us together, as we are meant to be.
I hope, that only time and distance, keeps us apart.
I know what it feels like to be in love, a gift only you have been able to give me.
I look for him,
I shouldn't, but I always have.
A ghost in the background,
Shimmering in the distance,
Never fully real.
An image, desire, want,
Old heartbreak a new.
Love you, I do.
Miss you, I do.
Hurt, I am.
The tears you cried prompted me to stay, for I had never seen you cry before.
The actions you took, helped me to lower my walls, for you had never taken such action before.
Love you, enough to want to say, "I do"
Miss you, I do, even when I'm with you.
Hurt, I am, and I can't blame you.
The tears you cried where real.
The action you took, genuine.
The desire to change, honorable.
The reality of these truths, terrifying.
Love you, I do.
Miss you, enough to continue the cycle.
Hurt, enough to want to break the cycle.
Gullible, enough to allow you behind my walls. When I know you are unwilling to face your fears.
A golden haired child, blind and mesmerizing, afraid of the dark.
Ignores the shadow; wrapped up in her fantasy life.
The illusion of isolation, causes the mask to slip, and tears slip down the golden child's cheeks.
The mask is readjusted, reality ignored, and life goes on as it has before.
I dream of a day when I can call you mine.
A day, like the one when we danced in the moonlight, and laughed under the stars.
A day, where I do not fear being seen with you, in our natural state.
When strangers know the truth and acquaintances want to see the lie.
A day, when we share our truth with those we love.
A day, when I can finally call you mine.
A day, when my heartache was worth the wait.
Some of my best stuff gets lost with a misplaced hit on the keyboard, like the the letter I started here, others get lost while trying to make the piece better. Writing is an art, but like all things you need to walk that thin line between perfection and garbage. In trying to reach perfection, you can lose a quality that you did not see until you try to make it perfect and end up with garbage.
"Good morning" pounds the jackhammer at 7am.
"Fuck off" groans the pillow as I shove it over my head.
Casual comversation, turns into a flashback.
Pictures flash into my mind, too fast to get an accurate view, yet the memory of that night lingers on the edges of my mind, as I try to focus on my present, not dig into my past.
You were there, always there, just on the fringes of my mind, haunting my present, blinding my future, confusing the past.
Tears, and that old ache coming back with force as I try to push it down, put it away. Deal with it at another time, in another place, just not now, where I'd have to explain.
You're another life lived and gone, yet lingering at what could have been.
Should have been, if we had, had the courage to be honest.
You sent him, didn't you. With his golden locks, honey glaze eyes, and irresistible smile. Or did he come on his own, to check in on an old friend?
I suppose it does not matter, either he came, or I'm crazy, I'm not sure which. Yet, I could sense when he was here and when he was not. How is that any diffrent from the resident who listens to demons and angels alike? With his/her flat affect and glazed over look telling me they are not quiet present, and may not want to be.
I tell myself I'm diffrent because I can tell the difference between my reality and an etheric one, but am I?
This is apart of why I'm angry with you, for I'm not sure of the line between crazy, ...
I know it's been a while, but Ive been angry with you and felt the need to simmer down before I addressed the issue. It feels like you've been lying to me all these years, or maybe I wasn't listening, because everything you've been telling me/showing me about love has come true...only once I accept and allow myself to be vulnerable, to actually fall in love you rip it out from under me.
Yes, I know free will is involved and you can not do anything about that, but why tease me with it? Why not give him a solid reason to stay away, since his love for me keeps him on the fence, makes him take risks yet unwilling to make any changes.
I'm so angry with you, I want to tur...
Three little girls stood in a row looking at me with concern and empathy.
Three little women sat by my side offering to help with a distasteful situation.
Their kindness swelled my heart, as I continued to play my adult role, and tell them, thanks but no.
Later, as I drove home, I cried tears of joy.
My courage to be a sheep among wolves was the best choice.
Others do see me, my light, my strength, and how very much I love my little lady, even when the wolves circle me.
I saw you look at me, that sideway glance with a devilish half smile that told me you were talking smack about me again. It reminded me of High School, how all the cliques would gossip and stare at those they disliked for one reason or another. Yet this isn't High School anymore, when will you grow up and realize that you're digging your own grave because of one simple fact. You're not as grown up as you think.
Did your stare unnerve me? Sure it did, for a second, then I remembered I'm not a teenager but a 35 year old woman who s been to hell and back. You're high school mentality means nothing to me.
Sure you played apart in my hellish descent, heck you took me to the crevice an...
I miss her, my little girl. I hate that he expects me to hide who I am to be apart of her life. To follow his rules, obey his commands, and agree with his thoughts and ideas, but what does that show her? A mother to weak to fight, to be herself, to express her own thoughts and beliefs? Wouldn't that just continue the chain, condem her to a life where who she is never good enough because it doesn't fit into his view of normal?
I've shielded her from the traumas of my childhood, she'll never feel the urge to protect me from his fists or become hypersensative to others fighting. I left him to ensure this, so I shouldn't give in to him now. Yet its hard knowing that his fears cause him to use...
The Key to other peoples negativity is knowing for certian who and what you are. As long as you own that they can never hurt you.
I miss you, even though I was just with you.
Wrapped in your arms, feeling your heart beat against my chest, as your hand grazes my cheek than through my hair. Your warm breath against my neck as I pull you in closer and breathe in your smell, sweet yet spoiled, a hint of smoke and whiskey. Heaven.
My personal Heaven, my place of safety, of comfort, my heart, my love...you close to me. Nothing else matters.
I am grateful for everything you've done for me over the years, even when I was confused and asking for contradictory things. Please lift my fears of manifestation, help me believe that I am enough and worthy of your blessings and gifts, and let go of my self doubt. I thank you for listening.
Thank you for him. For the peace I feel in his arms, the love that radiates from his eyes, and how safe I feel during our most vulnerable moments. Thank you for guiding us back to each other.
Love and Light,
I crave discussion, not formal exchanges seeped in superficial thoughts. Give me depth, a peice of your soul and I'll bare mine in return.
Please don't let this app turn into personal adds. I got off whisper for a reason and just want to read others thoughts not thier need for companionship. Am I asking for to much?