|Writing is a beautiful and honest way to bare my soul. I love it. :-)|
My dreams speak of love, a new.
A crush turning into a kiss, as secrets spill.
A moment turns into a day, as he keeps watch over me, returning to me, kissing me, confiding in me.
Laugher and conversation flows, hope bubbles, but does not ruin the moment.
Plans made for future adventures, then I wake.
Happy yet confused.
For my last dream of him, woke me with a kiss.
And my reality of him, is non-existent.
Just a passing wave of smile, that I haven't exprienced in a while.
**ok, this needs work, but I wanted to get it out before I forgot.
One door closes, another opens.
Time shifts, repeats, and moves forward.
You left me broken, he put me back together.
He's gone, you've returned.
His silence is deafening,
And your apologies mean nothing.
Wild Horse, roaming free
Just the way you were made to be.
"Why don't you tame him?"
They once said to me.
I smile, and watch as he gallops by,
Mane flowing, muscles tense, a sparkle of delight in his eye.
"I could tame him, break him down,
Make him mine for all to see.
I could show off his beauty, his grace, and pride myself on his docileness.
But he'd lose that spark of joy in his eyes, he'd lose his ability to gallop far and wide, and he'd begin to resent me.
So no, I will not tame him, the man I love.
I will not turn him into my hard won prize, my entitlement turning his joy into fear and uncertainty, as he yearns for the freedom he once enjoyed.
No, I will watch and wait,
I will ...
They will whisper that I am a whore.
Even though I am in love,
with the only man I've been with
The same man who cried his misery
In my arms, and told me I was the one he wanted to spend his life with.
The one I planned a future with,
Chosen baby names with,
Trusted, he'd always be my rock...
I shouldn't care what others think.
But I do.
This child, that I can not abort,
will never know his/her father.
Yet all everyone else will see
is me, single, and pregnant.
While he, the father, goes on
To live his lackluster life.
Free from societies contempt.
Knowing my love will protect him.
Knowing I'll be labeled the whore.
Counting on societies double standards to ...
Lost in thoughts.
You're not one of them.
Peace feels good.
Eight weeks, two days
Deadline has passed,
My little wolf is still here.
Heartbeat is strong,
seen on a screen.
One week, one day.
Since I told you my choice.
You are not here.
My heart is heavy,
my choices few.
My life disrupted,
from my love for you.
I trusted your protection,
your love for me strong.
I trusted your eyes,
when you caressed my face.
I trusted your touch,
as you held me close when I cried.
And I trusted your words,
when you said you'd always be by my side.
Your gentle touch,
Your gentle kisses,
Youre reluctance to say good-bye,
My heart is heavy.
My choices few.
My love disrupted,
for our child in my womb.
I trusted you'd be there for us...
I'm such a fool.
Long, tired days;
Uncertainty all around.
Courage is key,
but I need to speak to thee.
To hear your choice,
Listen to what you feel,
to help make this real.
Or, curb my guilt,
my need to please,
And to know that
you're still in love with me.
Do you still ponder, my love?
Are thoughts churning in your head as you wrestle with, anger and guilt, love and friendship, denial and avoidance..
You & Me
I'm Letting it Go.
My worry and doubt, frustration and acceptance, my guilt well placed.
For I too wanted something different,
A smile from a well placed hand.
The burst of energy you emit when your happy and excited.
Late night converstations, early morning cuddles.
Lack of sleep grumpiness.
Life as we had planned...when you were happy and excited.
Reality on the fringes.
Do you still ponder, my love, a road not taken?
What is best for you, my love?
What is best for us?
This little wonder grows, is loved,
By you? Or is fear talking,
Guiding your steps.
Maybe reality, for you've always been the logical one.
When you're not allowing your romanticism to take flight.
We've always balanced each other,
Being strong so the other could fall apart.
Only you rarely choose that route, preferring to be my strength, than admit to your own weaknesses.
So what about our little wolf?
Is he the force that will drive us apart?
Forged in love, broken by reality...or a sense of honor.
Unable to look at each other if our little wolf leaves.
Resentment may grow if he stays.
So, what is best for you, my love?
I look in your eyes to see love and compassion, mixed with fear.
The love is for me,
The compassion for my tears,
fear for the words that just left my lips, chilling you to the core.
A spark of happiness covered by the fear.
A desire longed for,met; timing all wrong, panic sets in.
Am I ready for this?
Is your love, for me an abuse?
Another string on the long line of men who've misused me, with misconstrued honorable intentions ?
Is our "healthy relationship" just another fabrication of my desire to be loved?
Is the one place I feel safe, a lie of my own making?
My walls are my cage, forged for protection, years ago.
Keeping me withdrawn from those around me, safety my crutch, my reason to withdraw.
My reason to never fully open up, self-defense forged from a time long forgotten; a seed planted by I don't know whom, life behind the walls of my own making.
Yet I let you in behind my walls.
Shown you my true self, trusted your love, how can that be abuse?
It's not, except you are unwilling ...
Love is the order of the day.
A celebration of relationships,
Hallmark holiday, fueling consumers needs for "romance".
A day for love, a day to remind the lonely of thier loneliness.
A day for couples in love.
Not a day for self love, for who thinks of such things amongst the chocolates, flowers, and candle lit dinners?
Yet, isn't self love just, of not more important?
There should be a day where love isn't about us, but me; where no one is set up to feel left out, and everyone can celebrate love.
Hallmark, chocolates and candle lit dinners, for one.
Love of self, a concept many struggle with; and most forget about, when thier focus is on the fairy tale of "You complete me."
Are you giving me a sign?
My heart was racing, the emotions coming fast, as I hold back my tears;
My phone's beeping, notification... notification...notification..
and my pocketbook is slowly emptying.
Anxiety is high, worry higher...am I f-ing up again??
Deep breath, so I can still hear the little voice say,
"It's going to be alright."
Hopes run high, fears run higher.
phone continues to beep...
Another notification, another like...
what's going on?
My writing isn't that good, is it?
Criticism creeps in, "You're not good enough! You're throwing away money!"
Tears pool as I try to wipe the naysayer away.
Phone beeps again.
Windows to our unconscious wants and desires?
Yet, I don't want him; or do I?
The first dream woke me with a kiss,
Shocked by his boldness.
The second included another,
Tumbling in his bed; I, the unwilling voyeur, drawn into the mix as she disappears.
Kisses are not as sweet, desire turns into caretaker.
Is it his supposed friendship I miss?
The desire to watch him interact with others, while also sparing time for me;
Friendship, my ultimate desire,
Attaining that, a mystery blocked by my inability to open up.
Broken by trust one to many times,
Not sure I'd beable to find all the pieces to put myself back together.
Voyeur, with a smile-minimum input
Safe that way
They say it's not just you.
You are not my only love.
There are others, I just need to be open to it.
I say I have no intrest in love.
That I'm fine in my singledom, with our occasional escapades.
Not about being fine, but the lack of intrest in love.
For I do want love, which maybe why I hold onto you.
I just do not feel that I deserve it, or have anything to offer another.
That who I am is not enough to keep anyone for long.
Im told I'm to hard on myself,
That I need to be gentler to myself,
To love myself, and once I do that everything will fall into place.
Can I call Bull Shit? Or is that my stubborness talking?
The side that finds comfort in the negativity, and wouldnt know ...
Love doesn't just go away, does it?
I know it takes work, and dedication to keep relationships alive; especially when times are tough, but that just buries love, right? It doesn't make it go away, or does love change as people change?
He loved her once, he loves me now, yet a part of me wants to believe that if they just dedicate themselves to unearthing that love, polishing it off, and adjust the patterns that buried it in the first place, they will not only regain that love, but make it stronger.
Maybe, I need to believe this so I won't be so afraid to fall in love again.
He says we give each other what we need. He's my safe spot and I'm his peace of mind, together we shar...
It's a fairytale,
The story of you and me.
A fairytale of love lost, love found, happily ever after.
Or so we wished it could be.
I believed that once, I wanted the fairytale, the happily ever after,
Yet it cheapens our relationship.
The years we struggled to make sense of our connection.
The unspoken words, held back out of fear.
The words spoken, and the tears cried.
The teenage dreams, attained, before we became who we are.
Missing each other, while living separate lives.
Denying each other, while living connected lives.
Through anger and fear, wishes and hope, sex and love, humor and misconceptions, we still come together, drawn to a common theme,
That despite it all, our connection h...
Stained sheets tossled, like her hair.
Radiant glow, bodies flushed, pair entwined in dream filled sleep.
One moves the other follows, maintaining that basic connection.
A touch, leg to leg, shoulder to back, hand to hip...
The need to know the other is there, fulfilled.
The desire to never let go, sustained in the moment.
For the moment is all that matters.
Sly smile, a tease on her lips, as she watchs for your reaction.
Tilts her head slightly, smile becomes coy, eyes dance.
Your heart beats faster.
She bites her lip, looks down, looks back through her eyelashes, slides a tendril of hair behind her ear.
Saliva gets caught in your throat, lick your lips,
thoughts of licking hers flow through your head.
Feeling her juices flow down your chin,
hearing her soft sighs, as contractions start to cum.
and your own release across her waiting lips.
Dandelion seeds sprinkle the air.
Tiny parachutes of fluff dancing on the wind; my hopes and dreams with them.
They are guided by the wind, to an unknown place, a new home, a chance to start a knew.
Their journey maybe long, filled with obstacles, or cut short by a sudden downdraft clipping their wings, making them unable to fly.
Their final home, not as they planned.
Life, but not the end of dreams.
The knowledge, that you want me, and only me, is empowering...
Yet, at the same time saddening.
The power I feel, in that moment, the confidence, charisma, acceptance, slips away and is filled with guilt, insecurity, and hopelessness; numbing myself to reality.
I shouldn't feel like this, when you're worshipping me in your arms, catering to my every whim.
Loving me, in ways only you know how to do.
Yet in the back of my mind, I still call myself your whore...
A word you detest; refuse to acknowledge or accept, when describing me.
I'm the one you run to, when you have an itch to scratch, even if it's to pleasure me.
The one you scurry away with, in our own private nest, bubbled away from the...
Fool that I am, keeps hoping to hear the click of the lock, the slide of the door, and your familiar steps, like I've heard many times before.
The faintest creak, keeps me awake, as my body curls ready to spring at the first sign of your entering.
Heart beats in my chest, as adrenaline courses through, it's funny what hope can cause the body to do.
There's a click, and a whirrr like I've heard many times before.
My body relaxed, disappointment keen, for it's the heater that has me listening.
With a sigh, and a dread, I turn to try to go to sleep instead.
I want to share these words with you;
Like I once did, when my heart ached.
To share a side that I hid from those I knew.
A side I allowed strangers to view;
It felt safer that way.
The words I coined, to describe my pain, show inside my heart, soul, and brain.
The silly rhymes, that made no sense.
The grappling thoughts, that you worked to unhook.
The patience, shown to a tender heart, while you allowed yours to break.
Steady friend you were, are, setting your own feelings aside and allowing me to use,
Your body, for my own twisted pleasure, to feel without depth, selfish bitch I allowed myself to be.
Your time, sleepless nights while I cried; long days from lack of sleep, while I slept...
I should sleep,
But I don't want to.
I know I should, I just do not want to greet a new day.
Same old, same old,
No desire to change.
Yet that's a lie.
The desire is mixed with ambivalence,
The want for something new, and the knowledge that it never changes for long.
Happiness is fleeting,
I'm fine with that.
Purpose, is what I struggle with.
So many hopes, dashed on the rocks.
So many times, I believed, and was tossed aside.
So many times, who I am, was twisted by others perceptions and biases, leaving me to wonder,
Am I really that awful?
I should not care, thier opinions mean nothing...yet they do..
When thier nastiness comes out, and you have no idea why.
When you keep people at a dista...
My guilt is mixed with my hope.
My hope mixed with my guilt.
My desire, is for his happiness.
My wish, is for it to be with me.
Reality, dictates that neither may happen.
For happiness is a moment,
A smile, a laugh on your childs lips,
The close proximity to the one you love.
A kiss, a hug, a surprise visit, a memory.
All of which we both have had.
All of which we can find while apart.
All of which I want to share,for a lifetime, with him.
None of which I trully can.
7.5 billion people in this world.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
But the seas are drying up, as the sharks come out to play;
and my desire to go fishing, washed away by the storm.
The cool breeze brushes past the back of my neck, as I watch you gain your composure.
Your eyes are dark, and your charm fades, as you take off your mask, and look at me.
"Its always been you."
Your voice catches, and I remain silent,
Allowing your words to tumble out, along with the tears, you've never let me see before.
In that moment you let me see all of you, a place you've rarely let anyone tread.
I've seen you angry, sad, upset, jelous, lustful, depressed and in Love.
I've seen your bed head, and smelled your morning breath.
I've helped you, tumbling down drunk, get safely to sleep, and was there for you after she broke your heart, but I've never seen you cry.
My heart aches, but I ...
FINISH THE STORY.
"As she walked through the centre of New York she noticed a man playing his guitar. She walked past him. But when he looked up, their eyes met and she stopped walking. She couldn't move..."
She was transfixed, there was something familiar about his eyes, but she could not place it.
He smiled, his eyes telling her me meant it, that it wasn't the random, "How do you do, please throw money into my case." type of smile that she usually got from the street musicians, but a genuine smile.
She's not sure how much time passed, as they stared at each other, connected by an etheric thread of recognition, from a life long gone. A life full of love, and happiness. Images of th...
The clock ticks,
Tick, tick, tick,
The second hands' movement a constant in the quiet house.
The residents sleep, as I stand watch.
My eyes start to droop as the night ticks on.
School books read, paperwork done,
Just time, before I can go to bed.
Will you be there to greet me at dawn?
Fast asleep in my bed, covers barely covering your lean, naked body.
A sleepy smile on your face, as you pull me in close and nuzzle my neck.
Your soft snore, erasing the ticking of the clock.
Your hot breath on my neck, warms me from the cold January air.
Your embrace, the last thing I notice before drifting off to sleep.