It makes me freak out having to stay home.
Having no school for the moment.
I like being at home, but I don't like the pressure of having to stay home. It makes me feel claustrophobic.
I like being on the way. Now I feel like being in a cage.
And still having to do my work is stressing me out.
I'm looking foreward having this crisis over.
Art is a little bit like religion.
Either you believe in it
or you don't.
I'm just afraid history will repeat. I'm not ready for that.
I suffered and I don't wan't to anymore. Time goes on, but sometimes it repeats. And often the second time isn't gonna make it better, but worse.
Not all of us understand that.
Tidying up my room can feel like cleaning my soul for a second.
I wished it would last longer.
Komm lass mich nicht im Stich.
Denn der Stich ist sonst schon so tief.
Und er führt ins Nichts.
Und wenn er ins Nichts führt, so bringt er auch nichts.
Und doch hol ich den Faden, um das Nichts aus dem Stich zu retten.
Denn man weiss doch nicht, ob das Nicht nicht doch etwas ist.
Die Uhr die tickt und tackt im Takt des Sekundenzeigers.
Das Nichts gibt es nicht.
Es gibt nur ein Verdrängen der Zeit, obwohl es auch die Zeit nicht gibt.
Es gibt kein Nichts, keine Zeit und auch keinen Stich.
Alles tut nur so, wenn ein paar Zellen deines Gehirns dich im Stich lassen. Das Glücklichsein geht flöten, der Zweifel kommt und stellt alles in Frage.
Ich bin müde.
Nicht von heute.
Nicht von gestern.
Sondern vom ganzen Jahr.
Es war ein heftiges Jahr.
Mit ständigem Gegenwind.
Lass alles weiss werden und in Stille versinken.
Es ist zu laut.
Meine Energie ist aufgebraucht, ich brauche neue.
Ich will nichts mehr entscheiden, nichts mehr erledigen, nichts mehr machen.
Ich will nur in den Schnee liegen und als Schneeengel Flügel schlagen.
Nur so da liegen und in die Sonne schauen.
Will einen Winterschlaf halten, bis das neue Jahr da ist.
Trag mich in der Luft.
Dann kann ich dort meine Flügel schlagen, kann ich dort dem Himmel näher sein.
Trag ihn in der Luft.
Ich hab das ganze Jahr versucht ihn ...
I've lost myself.
I've lost myself when he started changing, when he changed, when I didn't know anymore who he was.
A part of me changed with him.
And it will change more.
I don't know if I can handle it.
At the same time I feel like I have to.
Calm me. There's a hurrican inside of me. Smoke coming out of me. I feel like there are huge stones slowly crushing me. And the worst part is I don't quite know why. Yes this is an important semester, yes there's my boss waitibg for me to paint extra paintings for the exhibition next year, yes I didn't have time doing nothing this weekend, yes I have school this week 3 days a week until 8, yes I'll be away in the evening on friday too, will be working on saturday too, need to make a card.
I should be able to handle this withiut falling absolutly out of balence, what's the matter. I can handle it. So.
Calm me. There's a hurricane inside of me, a rock above me and smoke around me...
ich wills ignorieren bis es weg ist
aber es verschwindet nicht
es blubbert von Zeit zu Zeit auf
dann fliesst es
ich bin nicht traurig
es tut weh
man kann verdammt tief fühlen
ich will eine Oberfläche sein
2D nicht mehr
tu so als ob nichts wär
als wäre da nicht ein stich
bin unfähig was zu tun zu handeln
denke nur was wäre wenn
lass mich s ignorieren bis es explodiert
der stich sich in ne granate auflöst
will nicht drüber reden
dann würde es real
ich warte bis jemand den stich entfernt
aber das kann nur ich
ich will nich
lieber allein mit nem stich leben
als jemand zweiten zu verletzen
es gibt Sachen
die sind entgültig
davon renn ich weg
in dem Fall
wie ein angeschosse...
Life's not as simple as a short quote...
and not as simple as a short thought neither...
...short thought of mine...
I had holidays for nearly two months now, it's crazy. Next week school will start again.
I was working some weeks, was travelling in the states and in Italy and was trying to write a paper and work this week. I've experienced a lot in those two months. I had great up and downs. I've never been around friends as much as I was this summer. And I think I've learned a lot through it. Yesterday I had the urge to paint again. I've only been sketching during the summer. And it was great! It felt so much like freedom! It's crazy, every time I start painting after not painting for a while I surprise myself. Something new pops out of me. I always hated to oaint abstract. I had to twice since I'm in col...
Freedem is being able to love somebody truely. It's having a pure heart, a light soul. It's being one with yourself and the world. It's speaking the same language as the nature. Only then I'm able to love. Only then I am free.
I shared my love with him, I shared my energy, my thoughts my everything with him. Now I shared three days with him, and I'm happy I won't see him for some time. I shared my breath with him. And I didn't notice I stopped breathing. I need my breath back. I need my energy back. I need time for myself. I need putting myself in order, I need to figure out myself again. I can't do that without breathing. I feel like I stopped being myself for some time. I just enjoyed cleaning up, enjoyed just having an evening for myself. I guess I need to figure out stuff. Next year I'll have my Bachelordegree. I'll have to figure out which way I want to go. I'm not quite sure if I really wanna be a teacher aft...
So I guesss that's me. A girl with a pretty normal life. I wonder when I have to stop calling myself a girl. The one thing that makes me a little less normal is that I'm in art school, so don't take that away from me! Art just calms me and slows me down. And I got better! I don't know if anyone remebers the selfportrait I did 2 or 3 years ago, probably not :p. I'm not saying I'm there yet, I'm still far away of being a real artist, but I'm taking my babysteps...
and maybe one day if I'm lucky I'll have my own art studio. Who knows??
Today my boss told me it's decided. He'll make an exhibition with my works next year in june! That's crazy! Isn't it?
He likes my artwork and I guess he likes me.
I'm nervous already I don't know if I'm ready for this.
But there's no going back!
I'm working at an art gallery and I love it, today he let me decide for another exhibition where to put which painting.
Art just feels like home for me.
Just put me in an art museum or in a church and I'll feel comforted.
I missed it so much this year. We were allowed to teach in a school for the first time, which is super exciting, but we didn't have time to do our own art this semester.
I'll be back on track soon!
My words were stuck in my heart. My heart was exploding, my mind was full. And all I could say was it's nothing. I was wild awake, my heart was racing, rebelling. I was lying there in the dark - in his arms - with the wish to run away. Into a world where I could open my mouth and tell, let my heart and brain talk. Instead I was lying there waiting to fall asleep, waiting untill this feels right again. However when I woke up nothing had changed. I've never felt this way before. We need to talk, but my words don't come out. They're stuck in my heart, mind and throat. They're slowly eating up all my energy.
I found a drawing of you while going through my old sketchbooks.
It seems to be so long ago. So much changed but I still have good memories. I changed. And I won't say I'm a better person now. I was listening lately to some conversations about faith. And I stayed quiet. I don't know what to say. I don't know where I stand. I sort of don't know what to believe. I believe in God, I pray sometimes, but I lost the relationship to him I had as a child. And I don't know how to rebuild one again. With you I could talk about it. With others I just feel uncomfortable, because I believe, but don't know where I stand. My boyfriend already made some jokes when others where around, not about me, but abou...
I'm applying for an exchange semester in another art school, its driving me crazy!!
Pleeaasse just take me!
The worst part about our generation is everybody always feeling so depressed. Just scroll through lettrs once and you'll know what I'm talking about. Everybody thinks they have to be perfect all the time, everyone think they have to be the best, the first, the prettiest and the happiest all the time. They get upset and depressed, because that's more than surreal. There's this feeling you have to be cool and do adventurous stuff, this ideal of having always one best friend around you and some more you can always ask.
How does the world have to change, for people staying happier?
Es macht mich fertig.
Ich hab ihn so abartig fest gerne, dass es mich schon selbst überfordert. Ich komm nicht damit klar, ihn nur einen Tag in der Woche zu sehen und das sicher ein Jahr lang.
Die Gefühle stauen sich eine Woche lang an und dann, wenn ich ihn endlich Samstag Abends sehe, verhalte ich mich wie eine Verrückte. Meine Gefühle drehen durch, weil sie einfach zu viel sind. Ich war nie diejenige, die zu viele Gefühle zeigt, eher die, die zu wenige zeigt. Aber das Blatt hat sich gewendet. Ich hasse es, wie verletzlich ich nun bin!
Zum ersten Mal, hab ich Angst, dass er es sich anders überlegen wird.
Auch wenn ich in seinen Augen sehe, dass es nicht gerade heute sein wird. Auch wenn ...
I guess you never know how much you can feel until you start loving somebody.
why can't he be more mature.
I've been helping as much as I could at my home and his home for chrismas, because I felt bad for our moms to do everything on their own. I'm not saying I'm super mature, but I like to help. And he and his brother stood up to go take the gameboy... and talk about games. I'm not into games, so he ignored me... It was the second day leaving me out in the discussion... They have enough time when I m not around to talk about games and marvel movies!
And no, he isn't still in school anymore. And I felt like his mom when I asked him to clean up his room a little bit and he got angry. His room was such a mess! and there was sooo much dust.
He never cleans on his own! A...