ich wills ignorieren bis es weg ist
aber es verschwindet nicht
es blubbert von Zeit zu Zeit auf
dann fliesst es
ich bin nicht traurig
es tut weh
man kann verdammt tief fühlen
ich will eine Oberfläche sein
2D nicht mehr
tu so als ob nichts wär
als wäre da nicht ein stich
bin unfähig was zu tun zu handeln
denke nur was wäre wenn
lass mich s ignorieren bis es explodiert
der stich sich in ne granate auflöst
will nicht drüber reden
dann würde es real
ich warte bis jemand den stich entfernt
aber das kann nur ich
ich will nich
lieber allein mit nem stich leben
als jemand zweiten zu verletzen
es gibt Sachen
die sind entgültig
davon renn ich weg
in dem Fall
wie ein angeschosse...
Life's not as simple as a short quote...
and not as simple as a short thought neither...
...short thought of mine...
I had holidays for nearly two months now, it's crazy. Next week school will start again.
I was working some weeks, was travelling in the states and in Italy and was trying to write a paper and work this week. I've experienced a lot in those two months. I had great up and downs. I've never been around friends as much as I was this summer. And I think I've learned a lot through it. Yesterday I had the urge to paint again. I've only been sketching during the summer. And it was great! It felt so much like freedom! It's crazy, every time I start painting after not painting for a while I surprise myself. Something new pops out of me. I always hated to oaint abstract. I had to twice since I'm in col...
Freedem is being able to love somebody truely. It's having a pure heart, a light soul. It's being one with yourself and the world. It's speaking the same language as the nature. Only then I'm able to love. Only then I am free.
I shared my love with him, I shared my energy, my thoughts my everything with him. Now I shared three days with him, and I'm happy I won't see him for some time. I shared my breath with him. And I didn't notice I stopped breathing. I need my breath back. I need my energy back. I need time for myself. I need putting myself in order, I need to figure out myself again. I can't do that without breathing. I feel like I stopped being myself for some time. I just enjoyed cleaning up, enjoyed just having an evening for myself. I guess I need to figure out stuff. Next year I'll have my Bachelordegree. I'll have to figure out which way I want to go. I'm not quite sure if I really wanna be a teacher aft...
So I guesss that's me. A girl with a pretty normal life. I wonder when I have to stop calling myself a girl. The one thing that makes me a little less normal is that I'm in art school, so don't take that away from me! Art just calms me and slows me down. And I got better! I don't know if anyone remebers the selfportrait I did 2 or 3 years ago, probably not :p. I'm not saying I'm there yet, I'm still far away of being a real artist, but I'm taking my babysteps...
and maybe one day if I'm lucky I'll have my own art studio. Who knows??
Today my boss told me it's decided. He'll make an exhibition with my works next year in june! That's crazy! Isn't it?
He likes my artwork and I guess he likes me.
I'm nervous already I don't know if I'm ready for this.
But there's no going back!
I'm working at an art gallery and I love it, today he let me decide for another exhibition where to put which painting.
Art just feels like home for me.
Just put me in an art museum or in a church and I'll feel comforted.
I missed it so much this year. We were allowed to teach in a school for the first time, which is super exciting, but we didn't have time to do our own art this semester.
I'll be back on track soon!
My words were stuck in my heart. My heart was exploding, my mind was full. And all I could say was it's nothing. I was wild awake, my heart was racing, rebelling. I was lying there in the dark - in his arms - with the wish to run away. Into a world where I could open my mouth and tell, let my heart and brain talk. Instead I was lying there waiting to fall asleep, waiting untill this feels right again. However when I woke up nothing had changed. I've never felt this way before. We need to talk, but my words don't come out. They're stuck in my heart, mind and throat. They're slowly eating up all my energy.
I found a drawing of you while going through my old sketchbooks.
It seems to be so long ago. So much changed but I still have good memories. I changed. And I won't say I'm a better person now. I was listening lately to some conversations about faith. And I stayed quiet. I don't know what to say. I don't know where I stand. I sort of don't know what to believe. I believe in God, I pray sometimes, but I lost the relationship to him I had as a child. And I don't know how to rebuild one again. With you I could talk about it. With others I just feel uncomfortable, because I believe, but don't know where I stand. My boyfriend already made some jokes when others where around, not about me, but abou...
I'm applying for an exchange semester in another art school, its driving me crazy!!
Pleeaasse just take me!
The worst part about our generation is everybody always feeling so depressed. Just scroll through lettrs once and you'll know what I'm talking about. Everybody thinks they have to be perfect all the time, everyone think they have to be the best, the first, the prettiest and the happiest all the time. They get upset and depressed, because that's more than surreal. There's this feeling you have to be cool and do adventurous stuff, this ideal of having always one best friend around you and some more you can always ask.
How does the world have to change, for people staying happier?
Es macht mich fertig.
Ich hab ihn so abartig fest gerne, dass es mich schon selbst überfordert. Ich komm nicht damit klar, ihn nur einen Tag in der Woche zu sehen und das sicher ein Jahr lang.
Die Gefühle stauen sich eine Woche lang an und dann, wenn ich ihn endlich Samstag Abends sehe, verhalte ich mich wie eine Verrückte. Meine Gefühle drehen durch, weil sie einfach zu viel sind. Ich war nie diejenige, die zu viele Gefühle zeigt, eher die, die zu wenige zeigt. Aber das Blatt hat sich gewendet. Ich hasse es, wie verletzlich ich nun bin!
Zum ersten Mal, hab ich Angst, dass er es sich anders überlegen wird.
Auch wenn ich in seinen Augen sehe, dass es nicht gerade heute sein wird. Auch wenn ...
I guess you never know how much you can feel until you start loving somebody.
why can't he be more mature.
I've been helping as much as I could at my home and his home for chrismas, because I felt bad for our moms to do everything on their own. I'm not saying I'm super mature, but I like to help. And he and his brother stood up to go take the gameboy... and talk about games. I'm not into games, so he ignored me... It was the second day leaving me out in the discussion... They have enough time when I m not around to talk about games and marvel movies!
And no, he isn't still in school anymore. And I felt like his mom when I asked him to clean up his room a little bit and he got angry. His room was such a mess! and there was sooo much dust.
He never cleans on his own! A...
I believe that when we loose somebody on earth,
we win an angel watching over us from above.
Ich bin viel hu sensibel.
Ich glaub ich hab n Trauma davon,
dass Leute besser sind als ich.
Als ich Kind war konnten meine älteren Brüder immer alles besser.
Später schimpfte mein Vater über mich, dass ich nicht immer sofort seine inelligenten Fragen beantworten konnte. Meine besten Freundinnen am Gymnasium waren beide Klassenbeste und entäuscht, wenn ich einmal eine bessere Note hatte als sie. Mein Klavierlehrer schimpfte so über mich, dass ich oft heulend den Raum verliess. Und heute sobald mir jemand zeigen will, wie es besser geht, mir zeigen will, dass er besser ist, raste ich fast aus. Wenn jemand sich über mich stellt, ohne, dass ich es akzeptiert habe kann ich mich nicht mehr zusamm...
Als meine Grossmutter starb,
lebte sie in meinem Grossvater weiter,
der sie so liebte wie nichts anderes auf der Welt.
Als er nun auch von uns ging,
verliessen uns beide.
Und das Kapitel wurde geschlossen.
I imagine being dead like being the best old version of myself standing in heaven and smiling down to earth.
I miss that someone to whom you can write your heart out, without being juged, without being looked at weirdly, without having to explain yourself if you don't want to, without difficult emotions.
I love my boyfriend,bit I don't want him to see my in some ways.
I love my friends, but just one of them would listen proberly to me and I see her ways to rarely Just one knows me good enough that I would tell her, but even writing her about my ubexplainable feelings seems to much for me.
I turned away from God.
I held his hand, but never looked back.
Now I have to learn how to speak to him again.
I try, but I always give up after a while. I don't know why.
Mein Grossvater ist gerade verstorben.
Erst jetzt realisiere ich, dass ich weder ihn noch meine Grossmutter jemals wiedersehen werde. Dass ich vielleicht nie wieder auf ihrer Terrasse sitzen werde.
Dass meine Kindheit vorüber ist.
Mein Onkel liegt im Moment mit 3 Hirntumoren im Spital. Erst jetzt realisiere ich wieder einmal, dass das Leben endlich ist, dass jederzeit etwas passieren kann was wir so nicht geplant haben.
Äras gehen vorbei. Die Zeit wird nie rückwerts laufen.
Noch mehr Menschen werde ich in meinem Leben verlieren.
Ich bin noch jung.
Ich muss diejenigen festhalten,die ich liebe und es ihnen zeigen.
Es sind schon zu viele Menschen in diesem Jahr gegangen und irgendwie will ...
Right now I'd just like to live in a world
where I don't have to explain myself nonstop.
What do you feel?
What do you think?
What do you mean?
I DON'T KNOW.
I've been on lettrs since 2014.
This is crazy.
It happened a lot since then.
It changed much.
Back then I was writing so many people,
I scrolled through my old lettrs,
I wrote and got so many in the beginning,
I was so open,
now I closed up for sure.
Back then lettrs was a way for me to talk,
to let other people hear my thoughts and feelings,
because I did't tell them nobody else.
On lettrs I could just be anonymous.
I was so young, I'm still young,
but I changed.
I'm so grateful people from lettrs showed me through some years,
when my real friends didn't really have time for me.
I was mostly the one who listened in real life.
I'm still kind of am, b...