Sometimes I still miss the nights
When we’d stare up at the stars,
But then I remember
They only have beauty
When we see them from a far.
I cut my hair
When the year began,
Reclaiming my pixie blood.
And as each strand fell
To the floor
I smiled because I knew:
This year will be different.
This year will be bold.
For there’s nothing more powerful
Than my new wings
Glittering in gold.
If I grow wings, like a bird I will fly
Above the earth I will soar and be free.
The sights fill me with a euphoric high.
This feeling you could never hope to buy.
If I grow gills, like a fish I will glide
Through the ocean, play along coral reefs.
Full of joy I’d have no reason to hide,
Worry, or experience any griefs.
If I grow antlers, like a deer I’ll run
Alongside the other woodland creatures.
There’s never darkness when you bask in sun
And embrace nature’s most perfect features.
If we go back and connect with our roots,
We can die in bliss instead of stiff suits.
I want the hurting to go away.
I want to tear myself apart.
Two paths before my diverged,
But I can’t tell which would led me
To a happy ending,
New experiences, and joy
And which leads to mistakes and sorrow,
Right now I stand dead in the middle,
Searching for the words to say
Both paths are perfect
Both paths are wrong.
I’ve started on both but never far enough along
To see how they end.
Perhaps the problem is in my heart
I’ve never liked to choose.
Spirit of adventure and curiosity
Always whispers follow whatever you please.
Spirit I plead reveal what is best
For those I love so dear.
For as much as I hate it, a choice must be made.
Only one path can be tak...
I hate that I love you.
I wish I didn’t want you.
My nightmares warn me you’ll fill
Can somebody tell me where to buy a guide on loving somebody you shouldn’t?
Page after page
Line after line
I try to keep my mind at bay.
I run my pens dry of ink
Still unsure wha I’m trying to say.
People ask why I write
Like I’m running out of time,
I guess I feel like I am
Because I process in rhythm
Panic in rhyme
Building and crashing
Until a release.
If I don’t write it down
My brain might blow,
Splatter poetry across the wall.
I wish I didn’t have to hold so much blame.
I wish my breakdowns had a little better aim,
Because the way I’m living now
Is barely living at all,
And I can tell already
That I’m pulling others with me as I fall.
You always were a golden boy
In a world made out of darkness
I hope you never lose that touch
Oh my mighty Midas
I didn’t mean to make her go
That girl you thought you knew
The girl who meant the world to you
Who you swore could never hurt a soul.
Believe me I liked her more
Than what I really am
And I’m sorry that you saw my true colors
That night out by the dam.
I can feel it creeping in
Inklings of the storm forming
Brewing right under the surface
Striking soon without warning.
These annual weather patterns
And seasons with set times
I know that I should expect it
But never prepare in time.
Let today mark the day
That men don’t define our worth
That we realize for ourselves
The beauty in our curves.
Let today be the start
Of loving each stretch mark
In seeing the wonder of our scars
And the delicate touch of our fingertips.
Let today be the end
Of every standard we feel we cannot meet
Of every magazine
That tells us we must be less.
And let today be the beginning
Of a brand new world
Where women love themselves
Exactly as they are.
I never meant to hurt you
I was aiming for myself alone,
But when I ignored your warnings
I dragged you straight into a war zone.
I never thought I’d let it go so far
I always thought I could quit
It was just never the right moment
I’d find reasons to fall back in.
I didn’t realize how far gone I was
Until it affected you too.
Until your battle lined up with mine,
And I could no longer pretend it was fine.
It’s hard to pretend addiction doesn’t exist
When every mistake I make is a life that I risk.
I realized I’ve forgotten your middle name,
But I do remember every word we spoke that night.
I wonder what you’ve forgotten of me,
And if you remember more than that fight.
~currently listening to Song of Forgetting
I haven’t written in quite a while
I guess cos I’ve been feeling alive,
But now here I come crawling right back
Because I know I’m about to nosedive.
~ why do I only write when I’m falling?
I wrote you a letter
Just moments ago
And my phone crashed
As soon as I went to hit send
I guess the universe is just trying to tell me
It wouldn’t ever reach you in the end
No letter or poem
Could change a thing now
And everyone knows you better off
So I guess for now I’ll take the memo
And just... stop
Feelings are overrated
So instead I’ve created
My own safe haven.
Through the burn of the smoke
And the haze of rum and coke
I don’t have to choke
Over words left better unsaid.
Why get stuck in my head
Pointlessly feeling dread?
Why let myself start sinking
Or even bother thinking
When right here I can feel fine
As my focus shifts out of line.
Sure you might think I’m trying to hide,
But I’m just doing my best to survive
To let the waves pass
As I take another hit
And feel calm at last.
She told me you were thin ice,
And I thought I didn’t mind the danger.
I realize now the danger isn’t me falling through
But the potential to so easily melt you.
You said I fill your soul with fire.
Light me up.
Watch me dance
Like the flames on the wick of your favorite candle,
And when I fade away
Let the smoke linger
A reminder of the beauty
That could not remain.
I want to learn everything
I want to trace every thread in the fabric of your life.
I want to see every brushstroke
That forms your portrait.
I want to read every word
That makes up the narrative of your brain.
I want to understand it all-
All the ins and outs.
I want you.
Sometimes I miss those lines-
The moments of giving myself over
To absolutely pleasure
in the pain I know I never really liked,
But in the moment it feels so right,
And without it I have to face the world
hiding what can’t be covered by sleeves.
Trust me I wish that this temptation would leave,
But I can feel myself falling
In time with autumn leaves.
Right now everything is mushy.
We are in our honeymoon phase.
we fall together two puzzle pieces that immediately
Right now you are my favorite candy,
and you occupy my mind
a sugarplum dream come true.
But what happens when I wake up?
Where will we be when the honeymoon is over,
and we have to face reality?
Will our puzzle still fit,
or will we realize that sometimes
we are so excited about the picture that we force together pieces
that were never meant to be.
— I worry that I’ll break you.
There’s something fun in the chase
In leaning in close
Then pulling away
Your lips just barely missing mine
Until the moment when they finally brush
As you pull me down hard
Our bodies so close
Our hearts beat as one
Forgetting everything else
As we leave marks on each other
A reminder of what we’ve done
Of who we’ve won.
One of your friends warned me
That you are thin ice
And I am littered with holes
If you were to love me
There would be no way for you to be whole
I would crush you
It wouldn’t be intentional
But I have the opposite of Midas touch
I turn gold to rust
And your heart is pure gold
Not something I deserve to hold
So please keep it away from me
I have a darkness don’t want you to see
I cause an energy I don’t want you to be.
I am poison
I know that right now you think I am fun
Some adventure you can’t wait to embark on
But I’m not the kind that you survive
And I need you to stay alive
So please just leave while you’re ahead
Don’t let my sirens song get into your head.
I want so badly to be happy for him.
I want to feel his butterflies
And soft smiles.
I want to see his eyes light up
And hear his sweet giggles.
I want to watch him fall in love
And only feel joy and pride,
But there’s an underlying sadness
A jealousy I cannot shake,
And every time he talks about her I feel myself start to break.
I want to cry with happiness,
But my soul just feels so sad,
And I’m so angry with myself
That I can’t control this.
I should be thankful that he feels bliss.
Why can’t I be a better friend?
Why can’t I push my feelings out of the way?
I’ve always said that in the end
His happiness is all that matters to me,
So why right now am I being so greedy?
When I look at you
I see the sunrise,
But I know that loving you
Is trying to spot shapes in the clouds-
An impossible trick of perception
That can never remain
The way that I want it to.
The next time he tells you he wants you
Tell you understand why
And if he gets offended
Let him know he can kiss your ass goodbye.
Dissociating has always been the way to drown them out
Rarely before has just someone’s voice
Stopped the voice from being so loud.
But now here we are
Sat side by side
And in this moment I feel safe
Cos as long as your arms are around me,
I’ll know that I’m okay.
She feels me shake
And holds my hands
Reminds me where I am.
She helps me breathe and focus.
I hope she only understands
The feeling of anxiety’s tight chest
And short breathes
Never lingering touch
Of moments when no just wasn’t enough.