|The wild cat with the pen in hand! #she-lion Instagram - She-lio writings|
After long hours of overthinking and crying, I found myself super comfy when
I started to WRITE, POST and READ
All my wounds heal once I do what I love the most!
PS-writing is my passion
reading is my Soul feed
and posting is my affirmation!
It's very easy to hear a lot about pregnant women having cravings!
But you have no idea what cravings actually are coz,
in the middle of morning sickness, vomits, dizziness, and heartburn you still crave to eat dosa sambhar, maggie, pizza, all types of chaat, and what not!
I wonder how people must be controlling their minds from thinking something they don't want to think!
They say you meditate,
You pay attention somewhere else,
Be productive in some fields.
Honestly, I have tried all!
And I find myself thinking even when I am meditating,
Even when I am focused on something else,
And even when I am working productively in my job!
How do you guys do that?
Sometimes I get astonished to see my own mind thinking to the depth of bad levels which even my real life will think twice before doing that with me!
The first day of discovering we are pregnant always start like
Ohhh... It has been a month already!
Only 8 months to go!
But dead in the 2nd month, you realize ok! This is taking revenge for 1st month as well!👶
Sometimes all you feel like is to count the blessings around you!
Do not doubt any person because of their behavior because it has been obviously caused by some ill-treatment given by others!
And trust God's process of life!
And everything will mend on its own!
Yes, I wanna tell the world how I feel,
My expressions are starving to come out and let the world know the inside stories!
You my world you!
Have only stopped me from sharing anything which is good, from sharing anything which is happy, from sharing anything which has the significance of the meaning of real contentment!
Because once you share it, this devasting reality hit us at our back!
Which is full of jealousy, gossips, and backstabbing.
And it reminds you no matter how much good you do for someone they will never do the equivalent or even lesser for you!
They will just hand over the empty bowl in return after the usage of the things you offer them.
10 phases of lockdown effects!
1- I think my mind is thinking a lot these days! Fuck it!
2- Ohh fuck how can I think such bad! Sheee!
3- I think he is right! I have fucking got insane!
4- Ohh damn! Shit became real! My thoughts are fucking my life!
5- Shit has to clear out! I wanna think positive!
6- Thinking positive to the level where I have never reached! Omg, I am killing it!
7- Uff these negative thoughts they just don't exist I know!
8- I think my mind is thinking a lot these days! Fuck it!
(Back to square 1)
Ps- till the lockdown gets over!
You fucking dying to answer once!
and the world inside me is just fluctuating around the millions of questions!
What about that?
The shape of our outfits can give us something which subtle colors can do to our wedding outfits!
Fashion abides in my blood! And I am the one who waiver it on my sheet to make it accomplish in my store to arrive towards your souls!!
Life doesn't show up twice! Snatch the opportunity while you are still humming!
Passion doesn't dwell if you forget it with your daily observances! It stays when you revive it with your will and always make it a reference for your pride!
They say show it off your emotions to someone once you feel depressing!
My pride is legit stronger for them to know my imperfections!
People do blame you very easily for your mood swings!
But do they really ask you whether even you want to show those mood swings to people around you!?
Whether you have control over yourself while showing it off?
Whether after showing it do you blame yourself for all the guilty odds!
Deep but thoughtful!
There are no words with me which will let me guess what's going on with me!
The way I am becoming is really questioning my self-reverence!
The need for somebody has made me weak!
What do you do when the person you want is yours but really occupied with everyone and you are with none!
This stillness and control are helping me a bit but it won't for long!
And the whole thing which matters is you want nobody expects him!
I am searching for old self back!
Please come back soon!
I miss you!
I miss the person who didn't want anybody the hell!
I miss the person who was well enough for herself!
I miss the person who used to be busy and out of everybody's shit!
I miss you the most!
There comes a time after marriage when you get a lot of time to pause to calm yourself down!
Coz there is no rush life which will ask you to just forget about your awful being and continue with life!
That's when you become patient!
He asked whether I am happy being married to him!
With the long pause and hmmmmmm sound, I replied yes!
And then his silent smile said it all which he knew!
Yet my manipulation enhanced "yeah when I am with you I am totally happy!
It's just a normal 2nd day of my periods! With a little extended hopes but
And ohh damn it's not even second neither first my God very confusing!
The whole day went by in daily chores!
And thinking, again and again, why am I having a heavy flow!can this be because I was expecting but I missed it because of my negligence in taking care of me!
Will my periods extend for more days!
But when I shared this with him he said no!
Think positive our days were not favorable!
We will stay hopeful until next time till then he started to kiss me a lot and I again helped him to release!
And we both slept by hugging each other happily!
Ok, so yeah it's 7th day!
Damn 7th day of hope, happiness, and love!
7th day of continuously trying till we get it!
7th day of me telling him maybe now it's time to stop the process and wait for the results!
I have been spending my day since morning with all positivity in my mind after a huge huge fight of yesterday!
The day goes by, as mom and bhabhi asked me are you in your periods and I said no and they both fitted happy in their minds!
But wait, what!
Till the night came by, I started to have my stomachache and weakness!
I doubted to have my periods and the thing happened which I was fearing for!
I got my periods at night!
And I yelled very badly "babyyyyyyyyy...
The research says that the ratio of stressed women who are housewives is more than the ratio of working women!
This is because when housewives do the household work they don't need to get in their mind involved in it if they are pro in their work, so the amount of overthinking is much higher than the working class!
Whereas the working class can laugh it out with their colleagues, during the travel or by abusing their bosses it all goes away!
Ps- (I am not sympathising the house wives but the logic of overthinking is really correct and felt!)
!Maybe, just maybe somewhere I realize I am the one who's the culprit in my relationship feud!
But still, still, still!
Somewhere I know I am a good person and my only intention for him is to seek that in me!
Day 6 got a hell of a ride!
From the morning when I woke up it gave me anxiety!
The anxiety of him being upset with me to get up late,
And jealousy of him being happy with his friends!
The discomfort of not being in pajama even after you have not taken a bath!
And a twinge of being a girl in a relation!
But, but, but...
I tried to control all my sentiments but this time I really couldn't.
I lashed out at him for playing a game
As a result, he uninstalled it!
I again reconnected with him when he brought me a cup of tea!
And all in my subconscious mind I was thinking this all which I am doing is because of my mood swings which are happening these days!
I don't wanna do this but sti...
There comes a time when at one notch you really regret getting married!
And that regret is not because your partner isn't good.
It's because you got to be the girl in that relationship!
Day 5 was wholly filled with the thought of "yes he is correct I may not be pregi! but overly excited for nothing I should first check and then get this exciting!
The morning till evening was filled with the headache and visit to the doctor but having dark chocolate changed my day!
The evening was again filled with some sleep and night gave me the weakness!
My Bp got poor and went to 57!
This gave me the hope inside me coz lower Bp was one of the signs of getting preg! But hey no I would wait until I miss something which I have never missed from the last 16 years!
Day 4 started with varied energy altogether!
But that energy of the morning turned into such dizzy ness in the afternoon that I slept for 4 hours in a column!
The afternoon turned with so much sadness and mood swings that I didn't want to talk a single word to anybody!
The later afternoon turned into an ego fight between me and him where he initiated to talk and we spent a nice time in!
The night turned out again with a boost of energy!
Looking at him working I finished all my work which I had to do the next morning!
The later night was filled with a long heavy chat with a friend!
And also telling him about me searching for the pre-pregnancy signs!
The feeling of why I had to writ...
My day -3 began with a bang of craving!
It made me irritated to see why do I have to first make and then eat!
I ate, ate, and ate just like a dog till the time I couldn't say wow!
Meanwhile when he was totally occupied in the work! I carved for his attention but did he understood Nah not at all!
After a while, he came with a puppy face and I knew I was wrong and I wept, wept, and wept.
On the terrace in the evening again I felt dizzy!
All I could sum this day up by saying I could again hear the heartbeat!
I know this is too early for me to say about these symptoms but what do I do? I can still feel these tones!
Today, I realized I am not at my own shack when keeping the switch of the tube light "on"
I heard why you did not switch it off!
And I couldn't answer "yaa I forgot..."
Instead, I answered "hmmm sorry I forgot"
Day 2 was all covered with a nice time of work! Meanwhile, I could feel the sweet gestures in my gut!
All I wanted was some attention!
But I couldn't get coz nobody could know that sensation!
The evening and the sunset was peacefully filled again with all your symphonies inside mine!
But I had to be mum till the day you confirm that you are inside mine!
The night was again filled with our process which included a little more aura and the setups! Cause that will be the only few days with us to do it till the time you come up!
The night didn't end here as while watching the movie "the sky is pink" with him I could feel the heartbeat under my midsection!
When I told him I could feel ...
After deciding to have you in my life I cleared all my mind and became too positive so that no negative can touch my sight!
The next day I started the process! With so much research and insight but all went in a vein in front of the guts that says that's the right time!
While the process I took my god's name without the expectations of any gender, looks and kind!
After the process, it felt unusual and delight we were staring into each other as if we are gonna go towards the skies!
Till the sun got set and kept me alive, I started feeling something inside the body of mine. As if my heartbeat is running all in my stomach the feeling was very unclear and uncovered!
I don't know whe...