I realized I wasn't ok.
I had been pulling myself together
For a long time now.
For too long.
It was time to just not be ok.
Feeling like I'm in a box.
My mind keeps floating to the ceiling
Before being stopped.
Another barrier, keeping me locked inside a mansion of rooms I'm scared to walk around in.
I've got this itch in my throat,
Holding back all the things I never said
And reminding me of all the things
I shouldn't have said.
I live in broken cycles
But I keep my wheels spinning
Because I'll never stop moving forward.
Keep my inside this place
This structure of safety.
My hands crave to stay inside this
Familiarity and dream.
It's raining and my feet are covered
In fuzzy socks and I'm wrapped
Inside the warmth of this fleece
The coffee is strong and my mind
A little less hazy than last night.
Keep my inside this place.
It's safe here.
It's warm here.
It's where I do my best at being me.
She held it all on her shoulders,
The weight breaks into her skin.
But she keeps moving forward.
Her feet develop blisters from the hard journey of coming so far away.
But still, she keeps walking.
Her hands were cut from the numerous times she fell down.
But still, she kept going.
The point is, she was completely worn down by the weight of her circumstances. But instead of giving up, she pressed forward. Perseverance leading her steps, and courage growing in her bones.
It's aches in me to let you go,
But I want to heal what you broke.
And I'm tired of remaining in pieces.
If only you could see the stars the way I do. It's a glorious site to behold. My eyes fill with tears at such beauty. I wonder how many things are solved just by staring at those lights.
It's been a hard year, but I find that stopping and staring at the things I can't touch, seem to be the answer for everything. It's calming, alluring and peaceful.
I adore the way you see me. You have this way of fixating your words into my heart. I melt when I hear them. I drown in your voice and suddenly I'm home.
I could never get enough of you, it's almost frightening how I feel but I can't help but become vulnerable in your world.
I know I can't change my past, I know that. But I can't help but wonder sometimes if I could have done more. If I could have loved deeper, or stayed longer, just took a little more pain, then everything would have formed the way I wished it to be. But that's not how it works. I know that. I do.
But still I wonder. I wouldn't be me if I didn't wonder.
I knew a man who loved a woman, she loved him too. But it wasn't enough to keep their love safe, as it had for so many years. It tore the man's heart out and left it for ruins because she no longer wanted his love.
I'll never forget the look in the man's eyes when he told me he would do anything to save them. Anything.
It broke my heart. But I saw true love in his eyes. Even though she gave up on him, he never gave up on her.
I had no idea that it would be this way.
But I have learned, only with time,
That everything happens the way it does
For a reason. Stop trying to figure out every step, just walk or run.
You'll end up exactly where you need to be
No matter the way you get there.