|We all are just winging it until we make it, somewhere. 8-19-17 💕🇺🇸|
What is the worst feeling in the world?
Being told you're the weak link
Feeling like the downfall of those around you
Being the person that's always taken advantage of
Not being as smart or handy as those around you and having to sit and watch them do your work;
The feeling of how easily you are able to be replaced.
Being dependent on people when you're told you shouldn't be, and you don't want to be
Not being scheduled for work and feeling like it's because you aren't good enough
Being the person that takes time for self care when everyone else is working.
Being a burden, which I am.
I thought you loved me.
Never did I believe you hated me. Even through it all...
Stopped all connections, in hopes it would do the trick.
Caring, is all I ever did... But it was never enough, was it?
I knew if we stayed together it would have been the end of one of us... Or both.
I remember the lust in your eyes, I still hate that side of you. But a part of me craves that you've found better, craves that hopefully you've found a new look.
You were a storm, a force that could knock down trees, breakdown families. A storm I tried to contain-
That's where it's my fault.
But you. You twisted my tongue and took it for yourself forgetting how simple, how- pleasent. It's supposed to be.
Those hazel eyes only cross my horizon once every month or so, which is good I guess. It's good for me, right?
You see, I knew it would be the end of one of us but who was I to volunteer you as the victim...
It's like taking a deep breath after the last Frost melts, Breathing in the dirt, the grass, the freshest air from the tallest trees.
It's the color in his eyes that match every feeling nature expells and covers the earth in like a sweet embrace from the person you love the most.
It's the relief of seeing how far you've come and realizing howuch farther you can go thanks to the strengths you've discovered.
It's the tenderness and soft caress of his lips on your cheeks, as the warmth from his arms make you feel incincible.
That's when you know you've found your true love. When everything you thought made sense, no longer has relevence and you're writing you're own story without the influen...
It's the fair skin,
His green as grass eyes,
It's his tower built stature.
It's the softest flannel,
His brilliance behind every thought,
It's his strength to over come anything.
It's his way of caring,
His way of expressing his opinions,
It's his way of living true to himself.
It's his love,
Oh god, he whispered with every action.
Baby, he moaned.
The vehicle creaked and leaned every which way as we got lost for that hour and a half.
He sang the most beautiful song of trust and passion I've ever heard.
Flashback to the beginning of the night...
We drove for hours from a day of laughs and teases.
Taking turns remembering our pasts of separate lives before we began our story.
With every hidden road we passed was the shared desire to turn down those roads to see what could be as long as we were together.
Another hour of tensions building and enjoyment filling the air with every breath.
Easing into a spot by the river that received every feeling him and I shared and returned...
I thought I knew what guys wanted based on what I hear from friends and peers, and past experiences.
They want sex, they crave attention, and when you give them attention they lose interest.
You need an hour last figure, a lack of intelligence, and a sexual desire that's open to anything a d everything but with a bitch attitude.
Guy #1; wanted antention, all of it. And anything that and to do with pleasure he needed it. That's all I was to him, his personal toy and favorite snack, and yet he had the audacity to claim otherwise.
Guy #2; he loved to talk about his past experiences to see how I'd react. I saw nothing serious with him and so he got the response he craved; the bitch response...
This is the beginning of our story, our first dance, and one day, our last dance.
I can smell the popcorn and sweaty people shuffling by as I walked through the crowd to wait on the corner by the broken down, pop-up Farris wheel that was nearly rusted to it's frame. I was alone for a minute as my father and brother wondered off to discover some entertainment at such a small venue of a fair.
I looked all around to see your face. Even when I saw you I couldn't believe my eyes. I told myself not to make a move on you because I'd been talking to your friend in hopes of finding something with him, if only I had two sense...
You introduced yourself and I shook your hand. Oh how hard it was to no...
I don't want children.
I'd be the worst mother, Id fail their father.
I wouldnt be strong enough for them.
If the child we're to be a girl I'd want her to love nature and music, and play an instrument.
If they were a boy I'd want him to be a kindled spirit with emotions and music in his every limb, and the as if he was a girl I'd want them to love me as much as anything with wheels
Id have too many burdens for them to carry due to what I'd want them to spend their time doing.
And that's not fair to them.
I'm only 16, children are a far away thought.
I'm horrible with them now, so how could I ever be a good parent?
In such a family as theirs they want children, and grandchildren and eve...
The world simply is a strange place. Its full of emotional trap doors, open gates of hell, and many, many, doors of wonder.
This world, when interpreted through pain and suffering, is a dark unforgiving place. It is filled with every second of pain you have every felt, it contains every negative outcome that has no profit, it is covered in a solid green of jealousy, or a sickening yellow of being ungrateful.
This world, when interpreted through success and failure, is a bright, loving landscape. It is filled with knowledge from the pain of the past and present, it contains the strongest form of happiness that can only come from time, it is covered in every vivid color imaginable, or the kin...
That damn sweatshirt-
"You dont want this sweatshirt, its got- god knows what all over it"
He smirked with a sarcastic tone.
I said mocking him.
It might smell like exhaust, or leftover pizza, or motor oil.
It might be covered in filth and bacteria.
But no matter the condition of its cleanliness, if its his, its going to smell like him.
And if it smells like him, it smells like home.
And all I want is to be home,
For christmas I bougt him a necklace to represent his diabetes. To show, incase of an emergency how to treat him. He used to have one until he lost it one night while we were at the races with his family.
A few days ago he said he lost it. I acted as if it was no big deal and someone could always buy him another. But I was so upset once he said it meant a lot to him. I wasnt expecting that... I was happily crying, I felt like this wa sto be a revelation. But a few days later I realized this revelation was not the one our relationship needed.
The fightes occured everyday as I let him down everyday from his sexual desires. I broke down like a child everyday in front of him, I blamed it all on...
I owe you my love,
My heart and soul
Your every desire,
From the kinks you love,
To the dreams you need
I owe you the feeling of happiness,
My gratitude for little things you do,
Your every passion,
From the sex you enthuse about,
To the roleplays you create
I owe you my education,
My growth for your brain,
Your hidden thoughts,
From broken glass you made,
To the music we embody
I owe you nothing and everything at once.
Where do my dreams stand?
When will you hear my crys and no be offended?
What will give me the right to owe you nothing but my love?
Who is going to be my true love?
I once wrote of tales and poems of my everyday life. I fell and picked myself back up and fell again, over and over over the years. I wrote to this secret society in a form of speech and honesty. Honesty I could not share with anyone without feeling guilty of being in the wrong. I had given up, I was tired of being myself of being stuck in my skin, of all people. I wanted something new, I thought I needed him. I confronted him about how I felt for him over the years and so our relationship began. I had no clue what I was getting myself into... An asexual turned sexual and a liar turned into the truth? God I had myself fooled. I was scared that I lose him and Ill trully lose myself. But I thin...
Today, for tomorrow.
You know that day? You know the one. The sun rose that morning with every color imaginable; hidden with every cloud and every branch in your way. That morning the classes dragged on for tomorrow you had that feeling youd be changed, you would either continue walking your path or youd began to skip a little more. Into lunch your friends showed little interest and yet thats all your heart sang. Beat after beat, the sun lowered in the sky. The ride home seemed to take detour after detour and finally; you walked home knowing exactly how the evening would play out. You walked to her house, and walked in, with every movement of her hand you wished it was in yours. But for the ...
I cant see you
I cant smell you
I cant taste you
Without your light
Without your words
Without your hope
My only one.
Today for tomorrow
You and I for the endevour.
You started as the disease to avoid.
The fear of you breaking my spirits,
Breaking my system,
With little chance of survival.
You became the disease that made me sick enough,
To remind me to be grateful for my healthy days,
To be gratefull for everyday,
You scared me straight in the sense,
I cant live alone forever,
I need you like a bacteria needs a host.
Nothing new; but simply another daydream...
He sat in the same chair he had been glued to ever since I was emitted into the hospital.
God he would break down everytime he'd remember how I tried to tell a joke, or bring up something from the past.
I would cry with him but I would speak for him; I never wanted him to forget my voice, even if it cracked with every word, as he crack with it.
One week earlier-
He's gone, driving home from a long day of sitting, and dreaming along my side.
So I cried, I screamed at the top of my lungs for just another yesterday, and another, and another.
The nurses have finally given up stopping me; week after week they would run in and try, but then theyd call...
I don't want to know what tomorrow brings if its still today.
I don't want to know if you'll stick to your words and stay.
And I don't want to fear tomorrow when Im still fearing the past.
I just want to go for today.
I want to go to eachother as a seperate world for the two of us.
I want to go to you forever.
I want to know, when you won't have to go.
Wednesday; May 18, 2016.
It was much; but it ment more than the qorld to me and him.
To meet up after a week apart... felt like forever had just past us by.
With bikes riding in the afternoon to a church, simply down the road.
We rode in circles for hours; felt like minutes.
To stop, made us feel like we had to leave, but laying in the grass I called to him," You know what I would be honored to call this our first date."
And with an okay, me too; from his end, we were off again;
Chasing tomorrow, with todays time.
He was there; in the corner of my mind that never saw the light; yet was filled with so much light at the same time.
He entered my life in a random burst of fire and smoke.
He was there for years; within his own walls; I, inside my own walls.
He hid in his mind like a lost kid; I hid in the yard I grew up in.
I was done...
I prepared for the end; the end I made for myself.
So I took my last breath; and stepped towards him; and with his breath Im here.
People in relationships; as Ive seen, they always dread goodbyes. As if that person they love is leaving them, for good; leaving their thoughts, until next time.
Whether its texting, calling, or photos; theres nothing like being in person with the person you love.
Ive changed a lot, thanks to him, but at the same time I havent changed at all..
I am learning to love. Im learning to live. And people dont talk about those things, that they would never have if it wasnt for the person they love, or loved.
He is behind my every thought; and I cant forget him; I hope I never forget him, and what he's given me, and what Ive given him.
But Im just a kid; what do I know..
You and I...
M: I break everything I touch; and yet youre not broken... how?
Y: Who's to say Im not?
M: Why do you say that?
Y: We get along so well because; I love you, and we both have so much in common, including our leading causes of pain.
M: I believe Im the one constantly crying in your lap.
Y: Maybe; but if I didnt have you Id be crying; alone. And you would be too.
M: Is this who we are? Broken, scared kids with too much love for one another.
Y: Probably. But I guess I love that too.
Dear my everything;
Ill just say it;
You were my last breath,
My last swing,
My last try for something;
I tripped running to you;
And you caught me,
With a sigh you took my breath;
You stopped my swing;
My swing at you;
Like a punch to the face.
You saved yourself;
Only to save me.
He was my last gasp of air.
I thought I was a last resort for him to enjoy life.
He was my final bullet.
I thought he'd travel through my brain and leave.
He took my life and washed it.
I believed in a whole new religion, him.
He is behind every thought, he has saved this trainwreck, and created a person out of me.
God, I love him.
You are my dream.
We would hold hands,
We would become ourselves again,
You are here.
We are happening now.
We are dreaming here,
You are everything.
We are all I think about,
We both are always,
We are all I have;
You were my last breath,
Now you are in every breath,
We are forever us.
I treated you as my last project.
My last decision.
I went to you and made us a thing, you had no clue as to why I did so after all these years,
But I had to hide the truth;
Otherwise you would have never given me; the dying soul, another chance;or so I thought.
We walked around the woods, my mine traveled the tree lines, yours gathered what to say.
We sat down, and we started talking; no calling over the phone, no text messages; just ourselves.
And I cried.
I was a mess...
Little did I became your mess.
And we cried,
We broke, and trust was built.
This is us; we are now, and we will learn to build out of nothing.
A black and white world, with a gray mind,
Is a colorful thought;
Wouldnt you say?
I am stuck in this middle phase,
I am lost in these woods,
I am broken in the truest form,
I was mistaken as a dream gone,
A dream done.
I was forgotten as the shadow,
As the one that goes.
I am here as the one,
And you're gone.
- Broken and dazed, stuck in that phase.
I enjoy talking in tongues,
through split lungs.
Living for the feeling,
for all that I am learning.
I need to change these traits,
and control what is my fate.
These lies you scream at me,
All but dies once you say sorry.
Even through the silence, you stare at me, full of oblivion,
to my pain that lives on.