|a semi normal lady who loves my children so much|
Sometimes I do sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel and maybe I won't. Look at me, what do you see? Can you and I be a possibility? Sometimes I sleep sometimes I'm awake. I guarantee you I'm not a flake. I see deeper than the eye can see and I see you with me. Sometimes I love sometimes I hate. But that right there is up for debate. I'm not like everyone else. I bleed differently I keep to myself.
You ever had a dream that you were staring down at your own body lying in bed? I have and it's super creepy. How about when you have one of those falling dreams? Now that's scary 😨. But the scariest dream I've had was when I arrived late to class and I was totally naked. Yep no clothes on. And everyone was laughing at me. And they were pointing. I mean I know I don't have the best looking body but damn 😭. I've seen horribly shaped people and I'm not one of them. Thank goodness. I'm thick and I have a bit of a gut, but that's a work in progress. I'm just too lazy to excercise. Lol. My definition of excercise is walking to and from my car and walking to the mailbox. I love myself and so I have ...
Look at me, look at you. I look younger than most people do. Look at them, look at me. See the difference, now do you see?? Look at the world through my eyes. Filled with hate and so many lies. Look at love, look at separation. Look at Ashley Madison. So much desperation. Thanks for the fakeness on all fronts. Searching for love at your old haunts. Look at them, and look at you nothing else to really do. But pull yourself up and get out the door. Take a trip to the shore. Eat surf and turf and drink red wine. Smoke a blunt and just feel fine about you and the world around you. Let the sunlight just surround you. Look at the moon and back at the sun. Beautiful one it's just begun.
So I made a decision to totally log out of social media for a few months. It's going to be hard but I'm willing to take that chance. I'm going to binge watch shows and exercise and read and organize my apartment. I've been putting it off and putting it off so now that I have the time I'm going to do it. I'm also going to write in my journal or journals and enjoy the freedom of no social media for a few months. Lol I can do this. I'm also going to come up with different recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So yeah. Pinterest here I come. Lol . Wish me luck. 😂
Why is family so difficult? I love my parents but sometimes they break my heart. I guess that's why my brothers don't really talk to them. I don't have a choice right now because I'm kinda depending on them to help me with my children getting back and forth to school until I get a car. They've been like this for years and I can't change them. I don't want to be mean but I have to do what I need to do to get my life back in order. Ever since I was a kid they've put me down and made me feel bad and now I can't deal with this for much longer. Has anyone ever had to seek approval from their parents?
I'm going to turn all of the letters I've written on here into a book. I don't know why but I think I could sell a couple thousand copies. I go back and I read all that I've written on here. I would probably have to add more because I know it wouldn't add up to a hundred pages. So yeah I'm going to pick some and start working on it.
Where on Earth is Carmen San Diego is my favorite show. I used to watch it when I was a kid. Now it's back and on Netflix. Supposedly she's a Delta. I mean why? She wasn't back in the day unless I wasn't paying attention. I don't have any issue with sororities or anything but it's not me. I never went to a four year college because it wasn't for me. And joining a sorority wasn't either. It's so much fakeness in the world and I am my own person. I'm not going to live up to the way society wants me to be. I dress different, act different and I love it. I love me. Don't ever feel that you have to be like others.
My favorite movie soundtracks have to be Valentine's Day and The entire Twighlight movie franchise. I could listen to them all day. Especially when I'm cooking or cleaning up the house. Music touches all of us in a certain way and it makes us feel better or worse. Whether we are suffering from heartbreak or death sometimes happiness. I love music. Even if I didn't have music I'd make my own by humming or singing. Music is life like food or drink. Live like you have never lived. Be happy, ok???
I've been battling depression as long as I can remember. Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down. Lately I've been more down. I'm scared of what might happen if I don't talk to someone soon. I always tell my kids and my fiance that I love them because tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. With all of this nonsense going on. I just hope I accomplish what I need to accomplish before I leave this Earth. Be good to one another and love each other.
Insomnia is terrible. I have insomnia. Bad insomnia. It started when I was 30 maybe before. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not. Like now. I have to be up early and I have to get my kids ready for school. Ugh. #adulting right? Well it's what I wanted. I love my kids. So much. I'll do anything for them . Go broke, make sure that they eat. Make sure they have anything that they need.
Another day another dollar. Not for thousands of federal workers maybe more than that. Yes. I really hurt for them and I wish there was something I could do to help. But like I said in my previous letter it is what it is. All we can do is focus on the here and now. I'm very hurt by the events that are unfolding right before our eyes. I cried today. I wish I was a super hero. I'd swoop down and end all of this madness. Alot of us are on food stamps and welfare and we're going to get hit hard in another month or so. But what can we do? I mean I'm sure good pantries will be available for assistance. But what about the months to come? Have mercy on us.
I feel so emotionless. Like I don't have any emotions. Like whatever happens happens you know. I care about my family. But everything else not so much. I mean it's alot going on right now and I know that there is nothing I can do about it but just keep living. Nothing is going to change for real. I wish we all had an opinion. But then everyone would probably kill everyone. I mean we have freedom of speech but do we really? I wish things would go back to what they were back in the day. But it is what it is and I will be ok. I've got no choice. None of us do. But if we keep doing what we're doing it won't end well.
It's 2019 and it's a new year. Filled with laughter and cheer. But someone's not happy with the change. So she leaves for another time zone, completely rearranged. It's still the year before with minutes to go. Can she make, she hopes so. By the time she gets there it's too late she sees it coming, it's her fate. She can't take back what she said. It's all over now she's dead. In a hospital all alone. No one to talk to on the phone. She isolated everyone she ever knew. It was her choice but she immediately regrets it. But everyone else never forgets it. As she closes her eyes,she sees a familiar face. The one who saved her from Grace. I love you he tells her as she calms down. I love you Mom,...
It's almost a new year and I have to say it's been pretty good. I mean I did have a bad few weeks like at the beginning of December but it's ok now. I don't know what 2019 will bring. I'm not making any resolutions because what's the point? I've made them but never followed through. So I'm just gonna do whatever. I'm going to lose weight eventually. I'm going to get a job . I'm going to be happy. I'm going to try and be better than I was before. Kiki 2.10. 😁 I'm not going to put myself down anymore. Dang it I just made some resolutions. Lol . Anyway, I hope you all have an awesome New year and many more to come. I'm going to live life to the fullest. YOLO y'all .👑👑👑
It's not right for you to be this way. It's not right but I always think it's ok. It's not right for me to cry. I lie awake and ask why. It's not right to take a life. But here I am with the knife. Ready to cut you deep. As you lay there with her fast asleep. It's not right what you did. Bringing her in when we have a kid. I'm not sure what you thought. That I could just be bought? I'm not your concubine I'm not weak I have a spine. I don't know what to do. Should I let you live or end you? In ten minutes you will be awake. I just hope I'm gone for your sake. It's not right but you get a pass. But watch your back or it's your ass.
Right now I'm struggling with my relationship. I'm having a hard time getting on with my life. I've gained weight and I am so depressed. I'm still looking for a job. But I'm trying to take care of me and that's hard to do. I've gained 15 pounds and I'm so mad at myself it's ridiculous. Oh well I guess I will just have to try harder right?
I choose to ignore you cause you're so dumb . Just the thought of you makes me numb. I choose to ignore you cause I'm so nice. If you think of crossing me you'd better think twice. I choose to ignore you and walk away. I'm not living life thinking of you day by day. I choose to ignore you and that's how I feel. If you don't like it then that's your deal.
Going to Florida to have some fun. Getting drunk as hell off peaches and rum. Going to forget and have a great time. Leaving the previous day's stress behind. Dancing and eating getting loud. Wild and free drawing a crowd. Today I'm reddkiki someone totally unknown. Oops sorry I didn't answer the phone.
I'm going to Florida tomorrow. I haven't been on a vacation in a long time and it's way overdue. I'm so happy. I have an issue I have to deal with when I come back but tomorrow is all about me and having fun and getting drunk. I can't wait!!! 🐚🐚🐚🐚🐚🐚🏖️🏖️🏖️🏖️🏖️🏖️🏖️
I feel useless now. I feel empty . I feel like I'm falling and I don't know how to stop. I feel crappy. I feel unwanted. What am I supposed to do now??
I'm not rich by far. I don't have a lot of money for do I drive a fancy car. But what I lack in money I make up for it with heart. And to me that's a start. I'm not a glamorous bitch not at all but when people need me I'm on call. I'm always there no matter what. Whenever you're in a rut. I don't think I'm better than you but I have been through a lot in life and it's true. I've seen pain beyond all measure and I'm the best,an awesome treasure.
Twinkle twinkle Little star I'm the dumbest chick by far. Up above the sky so high. Let me ask you why. Why do you always lie. Twinkle twinkle Little brat how I wonder where you're at. Trying hard to fit in. Don't you know you'll never win. Twinkle twinkle little bore. Do you think you need some more. Trying to figure what to do when no one wants to fool with you. Twinkle twinkle Little queen don't you think you're being mean. Telling people not to dream. Twinkle twinkle little bitch guess I'll go and pull the switch. On you and all your friends. Now it's time to make amends. Twinkle twinkle little late. Don't you know it's you I hate. I'm sorry for being mean but it's your fault or so i...
I'm sorry for not being the best person in the world. I try so hard to be what others want me to be. I'm exhausted and I'm struggling right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly fading away. Like if I close my eyes will I wake up. What about my children. I love them so much. I'm supposed to be enjoying life not wishing it would end.
I am me that's who I'll be. I'm not you that's not what I do. I am weird your are not. I am an alien or have you forgot. Stay in your lane and I'll stay in mine. I'm only here for so long but you've got time. I don't belong here. You do. You like me I love you. I am not like anyone else. You can die I can reform myself. I'm leaving now but you don't know. I must blank your mind before I go.
I wake up in an abandoned building. How did I get here? I don't remember anything. I went to dinner with friends then we went to a local bar. Maybe I had too much to drink? I get up and walk around trying to get my bearings. I look in the far corner and there's a package with my name on it. I see a note. It says: you asked for this. You didn't want your life anymore so you have to start over. This is your new place. In the box is $1,000,000.00 you can spend it on furniture or what not. But your life as you know it is over. If you walk outside you will not recognize anything because its a whole new city. You have a new job and new friends. Starting now you will go and enjoy yourself. I begin t...
Guys are always telling me how beautiful I am and how I can have any man I want. Yeah I can but I don't want just any man. Shit I'm trying to get rid of the one I have now. He doesn't want to do right. At all. Then on top of that there's this one guy who likes me but he's 47 and I'm 41. He's a nice guy but he lacks confidence. He's scared of me. Me!!! Shit I'm scared of him. He pretty much has it together but I can't date him. Hell I don't want to be with anyone. All i want is to be able to do is make sure my kids are ok and then I will see.
My grandma passed away last night and I am so sad. I know it was her time to go. She lived an amazing life. 95 years? That's awesome. I cried so hard and I'm crying now. I just wonder how much longer am I going to be here? Then the strangest thing happened... My ex's grandfather passed away too. I feel like its a sign that I really need to move on to the next level of my life and be the woman I need to be. It's going to be hard but I don't have a choice.