|a semi normal lady who loves my children so much|
Happy New Year! I havent written anything in a little bit. Ive been working hard and trying to rest at the same time. So i have a Dr appointment soon and i'm scared. See, last year i had a hysterectomy but my ovaries are still around. I havent been feeling my best. Ive been exhausted AMD ive had very little appetite. Maybe its all in my head and i do need to stay off the internet too. Lol i hope there is nothing wrong fingers crossed. My kids go back to school next tuesday. They have been on winter break for the past two weeks. They had fun and i enjoyed my time with them. So what did ya'll do for new years? I had to work!! Lol 😂 love ya'll!! This will be an awesome year!! 💓💓...
Back dated. I love my parents but I had to cut them off. My dad is mad or he's still mad because I moved out three years ago. And now they're mad because I'm living with my fiance. He's a wonderful person. He's not perfect but then again who is? He helps me more than anyone else has. He doesn't try to make me feel bad or anything. He takes good care of my kids. That's all that matters. He's been there for me when I had my surgery. He's done so much for me and I am grateful. ❤❤❤
So I'm at Starbucks right? And I see these three young ladies that are maybe in private school. And I wonder what if I had went to private school? Would I be different than I am now? Would my life be better? Would I even have children would I have been married? Sometimes I lie awake at night because I can't sleep and just wonder. What if I had stayed in Atlanta? Or moved to Maryland? I guess I'll never know. I don't regret any of the choices I made. I don't regret my children at all. I just wonder sometimes.
Viente lattes, iPhones ablaze, Its all a blur, right in my face. Expensive cars, not their own, they think that know, but theyre not yet grown. Chatting on about diamond rings, even more pricey things. School skirts above their thighs, Goofy boys with wondering eyes, meanwhile Im in the back ground listening in, thinking i should leave, but i cant. Im sucked into the convo. We laugh and joke for the better part of the day, then i grab my coat and Im on my way.
I am so tired of fake ass people! I feel like Im in a movie watching everything unfold right before my eyes. I just want to get myself together and be happy. I dont want to be where i am anymore. I know it wouldnt matter if i moved elsewhere because id get sick of that too. So i might as well stay where i am. I need a vacation. Somewhere far away from here. Like a day or two. Or maybe a week. Something.
Seems like everyone is getting engaged or married but me. Maybe it isnt meant for me to be engaged or married anymore. Maybe ive had my run of marriages. Ive been married and divorced twice. But sometimes i ache just to be married again or something. It hits me in the pit of my stomach and i cry or just shut down. I get a little jealous because Im like why cant that be me? But sometimes Im like no i dont feel like going through another divorce because it would hurt not only me but my kids. I dont know what i want. I know i want another job. I know i want my credit to be better than what it was. I know i can do anything i put my mind to. I dont know anymore.
Windows steamed up from all of the kissing we do. Youve missed me and Ive missed you. Radio playing and old school love song. Passion takes over, Its been so long. So long since weve been with anyone else. I dont want to share you. I want you all to myself. Call me crazy thats how i am and honestly i dont give a damn. Car slowly rock as we speed up the pace. You smile as you look at my face. I shiver and squeal because Im so close. You whisper dont hold back and i let go. I lay on top of you and you hold me tight and thats how we sleep the rest of the night. As the new day starts and an old one ends, we now know we are much more than friends.
Grabbing for love, grabbing for you. Im losing my grip i dont know what to do. Gasping for air as we kiss, your love your touch is what i miss. Grabbing for something to hold on to. Crying because i cant see you. I search, i scream, i tell. Grabbing for love, reaching for you. You kiss me and tell me, "i love you too".
You are temptation you are so bad. But youre the best i never had. You surprise me with your want, you never brag, boast or flaunt. You are evil, you are sin, you are everything else within. You make me breathy, you make me sigh, you make me happy but not enough to make me cry. You are you, and i love it all. I wait by the phone for your call. You make me blush everywhere. You are here, you are there. Youre in my dreams, you make me feel, you are the one, you are real. You are temptation, you are so bad. You are the best i never had. Its not in a bad way but all good. You love me like i know you would. You are here, you are there. You are you and you care.
Total Chaos is what i have. But you, you make me laugh. You are my strength when i am weak, you are my life when things are bleak. You tell me things i need to hear, you are my fortress when i am in fear. You are my rock when i need it most. So this is for you. Total energy is what you bring. You make my broken heart sing. You bring me joy when i feel like im not enough. When i am weak you make me feel tough. I love the way you make me smile. I havent done that in awhile. I see a future with you years from now. I dont know when or how. I care about you so very much. I live for your kiss and your touch. Dont ever take it away. Promise me that youll stay.
No matter how hard i try, you make me blush and i dont know why. You're older than me and so mature. So i know the love you give is nothing but puré. You make me smile when im mad, you make me giggle when im sad. Your kisses are genuine and kind. I cant get you out of my mind. I think about you night and day. Please dont take your love away. I cant help it you have my heart, just promise not to tear it apart. I will love you endlessly, i am for you and you are for me. There are things that are in our way, but i promise it will be fixed soneday. You are always on my mind, you are so special, youre one of a kind. I love when you hold me near and whisper darlin in my ear. Yo...
So my ex husband passed away at midnight and at first i didnt believe it until i talked to his friend. She told me he had cancer all over his body. He was a very spiritual person so he believed in God and stuff. He was a good person after we separated. He apologized for hurting me and using me. It didnt hit me until later on and i sat in my car crying. I cried for about thirty minutes. Im still hurt. The guy im dating made a joke out if it. He was like well you dont have to worry about a divorce now. It wasnt funny. Im not getting married any time soon and if he asks im going to say no. Ive got to find out what i want now. What i need to do to be a better person. Take care of my...
I am in so much pain. Not physically but mental and emotional. All i want to do is be loved the way im supposed to be loved! I mean i know my kids love me and i love them so much! But why, why do the men i date or whatever always lie to me?? I didnt do anything! All Ive done is loved and taken care of. What about me? I gotta get back to me! Meditating, burning sage and meditating! I dont know what the fuck happened!! Im hurting so much!!
Sitting in the car, after screaming. I wish id wake up, but im not dreaming. You left me, and broke my heart. Now it will take forever its torn apart. Running and sweating to ease the pain, breathing heavy screaming in the rain. My mind hurts so bad. This is insane, im sadder than sad. You told me you loved me then walked out the door. I feel so useless, what the hell for. Im crying for you im crying for me. Im crying for something that will never be.
Everything i know is a lie. Why do i bother, why do i try? My relationship is going down the drain, so i read a book to ease the pain. Everyone i know is fake as ever. They say theyll have your back, but do they? Never. Everyone around me is fake, i dont know how much more i can take. I might as well leave town that way they wont know i was around. Everything i know is a lie. Why do i bother, why do i try?
Sing me a song, will it be long? I love you forever, leave you never. I embrace your handsome face. Kiss your lips. Hold my hips in place as I kiss your face. Hum me a tune like in June. You left me sad, I was so mad. You went away, just to play your song. You said you wouldn't be gone long. But you were. Singing with her. My heart broke in two. What did I do? Write me a lyric for my spirit is broken. You were my token. She took you away. You didn't play because she took your soul. To have and to hold. You got married but you were in a daze. Before you said I do your song plays. You turn and see that its me. She tries to scream and I intervene just in time to make yo...
Not everyone is your friend and not everyone in your family will be there for you. I thought i had a friend at work but turns out that she is a fucking snake just like all of the other so called female friends I thought i had. I have two really great caucasian female friends that i can call on and talk to anytime. Its just the African american female friends that always stab me in the back. Someone said well look at you and look at them. Im like what? Yes, you are so beautiful and they arent. Why because you have a beautiful soul and they dont. I blocked some one on facebook because she has a big mouth. Shes young and all but it doesnt matter, keep your mouth shut!! Thats why i d...
I just finished watching Soul Surfer and I cried because if that young lady Bethany Hamilton can survive a shark attack and go through what she went through and still have faith enough to continue to surf, I just know that I am meant for bigger things. I don't know what it is but I'm patiently waiting for a sign. I'm scared of what it might be. I see all of my classmates doing well and then I think to myself they're just bragging for a bunch of likes and it makes me not want to be on Facebook anymore. I mean what's the point? Because all people do is fight and talk about others on there. I mean you're adults and you need to start acting like it!! This is why I go to work and co...
I haven't written anything in a while because I've been working and I've been so tired. Third shift is no joke but the extra money helps a lot. I have been saving up for something big but I don't know what it is yet. Maybe an expensive piece of jewelry 💍 or an expensive piece of art. Lol. But its good to be back.
Sometimes I do sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel and maybe I won't. Look at me, what do you see? Can you and I be a possibility? Sometimes I sleep sometimes I'm awake. I guarantee you I'm not a flake. I see deeper than the eye can see and I see you with me. Sometimes I love sometimes I hate. But that right there is up for debate. I'm not like everyone else. I bleed differently I keep to myself.
You ever had a dream that you were staring down at your own body lying in bed? I have and it's super creepy. How about when you have one of those falling dreams? Now that's scary 😨. But the scariest dream I've had was when I arrived late to class and I was totally naked. Yep no clothes on. And everyone was laughing at me. And they were pointing. I mean I know I don't have the best looking body but damn 😭. I've seen horribly shaped people and I'm not one of them. Thank goodness. I'm thick and I have a bit of a gut, but that's a work in progress. I'm just too lazy to excercise. Lol. My definition of excercise is walking to and from my car and walking to the mailbox. I love myself and so I have ...
Look at me, look at you. I look younger than most people do. Look at them, look at me. See the difference, now do you see?? Look at the world through my eyes. Filled with hate and so many lies. Look at love, look at separation. Look at Ashley Madison. So much desperation. Thanks for the fakeness on all fronts. Searching for love at your old haunts. Look at them, and look at you nothing else to really do. But pull yourself up and get out the door. Take a trip to the shore. Eat surf and turf and drink red wine. Smoke a blunt and just feel fine about you and the world around you. Let the sunlight just surround you. Look at the moon and back at the sun. Beautiful one it's just begun.
So I made a decision to totally log out of social media for a few months. It's going to be hard but I'm willing to take that chance. I'm going to binge watch shows and exercise and read and organize my apartment. I've been putting it off and putting it off so now that I have the time I'm going to do it. I'm also going to write in my journal or journals and enjoy the freedom of no social media for a few months. Lol I can do this. I'm also going to come up with different recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So yeah. Pinterest here I come. Lol . Wish me luck. 😂
Why is family so difficult? I love my parents but sometimes they break my heart. I guess that's why my brothers don't really talk to them. I don't have a choice right now because I'm kinda depending on them to help me with my children getting back and forth to school until I get a car. They've been like this for years and I can't change them. I don't want to be mean but I have to do what I need to do to get my life back in order. Ever since I was a kid they've put me down and made me feel bad and now I can't deal with this for much longer. Has anyone ever had to seek approval from their parents?
I'm going to turn all of the letters I've written on here into a book. I don't know why but I think I could sell a couple thousand copies. I go back and I read all that I've written on here. I would probably have to add more because I know it wouldn't add up to a hundred pages. So yeah I'm going to pick some and start working on it.
Where on Earth is Carmen San Diego is my favorite show. I used to watch it when I was a kid. Now it's back and on Netflix. Supposedly she's a Delta. I mean why? She wasn't back in the day unless I wasn't paying attention. I don't have any issue with sororities or anything but it's not me. I never went to a four year college because it wasn't for me. And joining a sorority wasn't either. It's so much fakeness in the world and I am my own person. I'm not going to live up to the way society wants me to be. I dress different, act different and I love it. I love me. Don't ever feel that you have to be like others.