I can’t seem to find the lost me among the rubbish. I saw what I was capable of in that quick glimpse and I was disappointed at who she became. This wasn’t her anymore. She no longer had the light within her that brightened up everyone’s life. In fact, that light blew out a long time ago. She feels hopeless and doesn’t feel she puts enough in.
She is lost among the rubbish.
She talks everyday about throwing in the towel. But she knows she has a few awesome people that depend on her existence. She has no idea where to start back up from where she left off.
She is lost among the rubbish.
I decided to start clearing some old energy and started with the basement. I stumbled upon a dusty old box which was labeled old photo albums.
I had no idea what this box had in it. As soon as I opened up the box, I saw a journal on top from when she was in her mid twenties. I grabbed it and went upstairs to the bedroom. I right away found a cozy spot on the bed. I put the book on my lap. I opened it and I saw the first line that read, “I’m trapped within this space.” I closed the book super quickly. I thought to myself. Do I really want to read this? Am I ready for this? She was always this amazing writer and you can feel her emotions through her words. We all saw it as she...
Wolves are powerful animals who believe running in packs can secure the group and fighting for rank among the pack is a vital importance. In history, It is said the human race transitioned from apes and we share similar mentalities as the animals.
The wolves were her life. She was with them any free moment she had.
And they were always right there, waiting for her. One day she woke up with a weird feeling. Some thing wasn’t right. She ran to the wolves and...
Was told someone wanted to challenge her for her spot in the group. She refused to be a part of that circus act and cruelty. So they decided to walk away from her and let her fend for herself. She left that day with her head to the g...
His soul was so powerful. He took me to the highest mountains without me worrying about climbing.
I sat in the empty drive way with a bottle in my hand. My eyes were filled with tears. My heart was splattered all over the alley. That alley was the route he would take to get to school. I could still hear his voice, “bye mom.”
Every minute for me was a minute I knew I no longer would have with him. The alley symbolized him walking away and entering a new journey. Instead of him waking up, he walked right through and decided to not look back. He will never understand that he has a heavy load to carry. Not only does he have his soul but my soul as well.
The pain he left was so deep even my sou...
He said, “I miss when life was simple.” I’m unsure what he meant by it. Life was simple for him since he saw life through his 6 year old eyes. He was into playing soldiers and creating make believe battles. While I was actually fighting real battles of my own.
He reminded me of how much I missed out on having an imagination. He showed me the creativity a human soul was capable of possessing.
Children our the gateway.
You are never really prepared when it boils down to someone’s last words. Someone’s last presence. Someone’s last breath. The breath you wish you could give back to make them whole again. We never really function the same after a tragedy like that. Instead we place ourselves in a glass container and isolate ourselves. For the fear that we will crumble to pieces if someone were to touch or look at us. It’s that emptiness as if we were stripped of all our medals during the collection along the way. You keep replaying the same moment over and over. Edit, rewrite, play back again. Analyzing the conversation to see if there was any substance to what that someone was trying to vocalize to you. Did...
The teapot was left on the stove as it was whistling away. She asked if I would like a cup of tea and I politely mumbled yes please. I decided on the tea as opposed to the cards. She handed me my cup and sat opposite of me from the table. Incenses burning in the back. There was a warm feeling in the air.
She said to sip it and whatever was left would tell me my present and future. I told her I prefer not hear about the future nor my present but the past was my curiosity. She looked at me in a way of confusion. She asked “why”? I said, “there’s unfinished business left undone and without those answers, I just could not move forward with my life.”
I drank the tea and she took my cup. She e...
It was my birthday gift to myself. I called him Journey.
He was a Siberian white husky with beautiful blue eyes. He laid on the floor towards this old bench they had in the room. He had one paw on top of the another. His mind seemed to be somewhere else. He looked down as if he had nothing to show. I thought about calling him blue eyes but that seemed to practical. The name came to me when I was looking around in the room. For some reason, Right away we exchanged energies. He was breath taking. Almost all the rest of the dogs were being adopted but him. I knew he had a story behind him. He was an older dog. Coming from experience that I have seen, people never choose the...
I never thought I’d be where I'm at today. How quickly people can be taken away and switch up the rules to the game. Left with nothing but scattered pieces. Communication is broken down. The unsaid can hold so much power but if it isn't communicated it's value isn't worth anything. My heart is broken and no one will ever know what could've been saved. All I have is to walk down that journey while my soul will always look back and wonder what coulda. Until then....
Im so speechless right now. I could feel my throat tightening up. It happens when I'm ready to cry, Im ready to give it all up to get back the moment right before he left on his new journey.
My mind is in another world, and my heart is beating so fast. It's the same beats juju felt right before he died. I'm trying to convince myself I have a mission down here but everytime i think of him not being here, I hear my ego whispering, “I can't do it without him.” At that very second, I revert back to my old ways.
Death is life. It’s basically leaving one place to go to another.
I love you juju.
My dream job.
I can honestly say I already have a dream job and that’s being a mother to my three beautiful amazing kids. My kids and I are just souls who so happened to travel together and seem to find one another time after time. It was in our DNA and on our map to meet up at a certain destination. We have this amazing vibe that can never be destroyed because the love we hold for one another.
It’s magical how a woman can carry a little version of two souls energies that collided to create them. The joy and the adventure that goes behind the scenes of raising them. I cannot express how much it’s meant to me to be a mother to them. They just mean the world to me.
Although my oldest sons...
Her many stories were created from chaos and a ton of heart aches. She wanted more from life and life kept molding her into a fighter. Her stories were so good that he bottled it all up into a book. It was her book of life. She packed the last of her things and decided enough. No more dancing with the thought of where she thought she should be. So without thought, she closed the door to the forever that was promised. She secured her back pack on and took the first train to nowhere.
Life is meant to be lived and sometimes we need reminders that tomorrow isn’t promised.
It was written somewhere along her journey with the words dispersed between moments. It was said to be in the “palm of her hands.”
Her soul did a search and rescue plenty of times throughout her life and always came up empty handed. She was told as a little girl she was different from the rest. She ran with luck at the tip of her toes and the cleverness of her tongue. Her powers ran from generation to generation.
However this power was far greater than what was passed down. This power that followed her had to be earned. She had to fight for it like how her mother fought to keep her alive.
Although she was in so much denial, she had to want to find herself. In which findi...
He looked back from the rear view mirror. He loved everything he had accomplished but looking forward seemed more rewarding.
I never quite understood his method of life. I did see his hunger and thirst for adventure. He was constantly creating something from nothing. He kept his life full and never showed his pain if any. His smile was his signature. He was a mentor underneath it all.
Sometimes in life, we never realize how magical people are until they are gone.
Take the time to enjoy those around you who bring you curiosity and joy. Those who bring teachings to you. It’s the live ones who are living.
Never get lost in the crowd to only follow but to lead. The heart is our powerhous...
I’m dying slowly and I know it. I’m almost ashamed to admit it. But it’s the truth. Death was at my door and took a fellow traveler I knew so very well. Now I’m at the door of death asking to let me in. I feel my body slipping into paralysis. I’m mentally breaking down. I lost my passion to see. The love that once lived in my heart has turned black and has harden up. I walk beneath the ground where my shadow roams. I dont recognize who I am among the light so I travel with the darkness. I’m losing all gains of what the universe has put to the side for me. Just because coping is something I can’t seem to get a grip on.
I know I’m not suppose to dwell on the what was. My spirit within me is ...
Our last goodbyes
It wasn’t easy but she needed to speak her words before sending him off. She kept telling herself she couldn’t believe this was happening. Who attends their own child’s funeral. She was 40 pounds down and she couldn’t hold up her end of the bargain to raising his siblings. She kept walking up to the casket like he was going to get up and say, “April’s Fools”.
She kneeled and placed her hands on his. She cried hysterically to herself. She was in so much denial. She ruined everything around her. She was picturing herself running away and never looking back. She prayed over and over asking God, “why.”
She got up a few times. She would pace the hallway to the kitchen and ...
The pain cuts deep no matter how one sees it. You have to be there in order to feel it. A part of my soul was embedded into this child that no longer bares life.
So naturally my life will always be unbalanced.
It's the decisions in life that's going to get you closer to your purpose. Not to become better than another person but to truly find who you are among the billion people on this earth.
It's the whole destination , that place of love and stability. My son had mentioned “destination doesn't make you happy, it's the journey that makes you happy".
Believe it or not, there is some truth to that. I enjoyed my journey up until now, the struggles were real. Me and my kids look back at how far we came and laughed at how we made it through the dark with just barely a light to shine.
So why is fear behind so many of our decisions! One of many reasons of fear is the thought of f...
“Have you seen my soul?”
She has went missing and she has gone mad crazy. I lost her 5 years ago. Since then I haven’t heard anything from her. She refuses to call upon me for help. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. I couldn’t help but see the windows to my eyes were closed off. My eyes were pitch black. I could see the emptiness. My skin tone was pale. I have no physical strength left to move any of my joints in my body. It was a struggle to get out of bed nevertheless to shed a tear. The color of my aura has completely faded. I have no signs of life left in me.
My mental breakdown took a nasty turn for the worse. I took an old lipstick I used to wear and ...
Before releasing her last breathe into the air. She decided to see her reflection one more time in the mirror. That mirror represented everything she despised about herself. She was a day dreamer not a realist. There was a phrase from the old age I believe it went something like this, “swimming against the tide”. She saw herself drifting along the waves but opposite from the tide.
She sat one time with a woman who read her cards. Sipped from a warm cup of tea. Her hands sweated profusely and her thoughts were there creating a monster. She didn’t want to hear the truth since she knew the truth. From here on out, She gave it that one last shot before letting go. She sat ...
My heart chips away more and more as the days pass on.
She feels her soul lose its elasticity with the universe. She’s losing all grip with reality. She’s no longer physically holding up.
She seems to be circling the same area over and over. It’s an abandoned area. No signs of life only past memories. She only feels one person who she can’t see yet that person sees her. No way of neither one of them communicating with one another. A line neither can cross. She walks up to the division between the two worlds. She closes her eyes and places both hands against it. Praying if he so happens to be there, he would place his hands there to. Just maybe she could feel his connection. She stands the...
She expected something and got nothing. Expectations are disappointments and I tried to tell her that but she was lost in her own world.
She walked around with her billion of thoughts and her ego that played with her head. She didn't understand that ego was against her. The ego wanted to see her fall apart. I tried to help her but getting through was impossible. She was two complete people in one body or was it all the stress that was caused by the world.
She wanted so much for herself. She was locked into something that she couldn't get out of. She reached out to me a couple times, but I couldn't get through the wall she built. I tried to break through that wall more than once but da...
My son (Stark)...
He was 18 years old at the time. An amazing, loving, intelligent, extremely funny (he got that from me) lol, attentive, caring, and always a busy body.
He had a soul that was filled with so much love to give.
He graduated high school, on his way to college. Started his freshman semester at a University. He joined a great fraternity. He was on his way to greatness and I was beyond proud. I did everything right that a parent should do to carry their child along the way to becoming successful.
At least I thought so.
Until the day I received a call on January 17, 2014 at 1:35p. A call that was a start to sleepless nights, no eating habits, and the separation f...
No need to rush. I truly believe there is no such thing as time.
What we need to do is cherish the moment. Close your eyes.
Take that deep breath in of love and pure bliss. Then release out all that
which no longer serves you.
Don't you see, we are here!
Somewhere somehow we lost one another along the way. We started from a place of curiosity to a place of nothingness. She was constantly questioning herself and he was in his own little world.
He never seen a woman warrior in action. He was a character in his own imagination and too busy to feel anything. They were inseparable yet at times far apart.
She saw the stars in him and he saw the world in her.
Never give up on fate. Life is busy and we all need someone. See what can be fine tuned and run with it.
You are a part of someone who left behind their dreams. Be the traveler you wished to see in someone else. Allow all the pain to pour out through your pores and release all the emotions that had been holding you back. Feel your heart that beats for life. Close your eyes and open your mind to endless love.
Never allow yourself to become comfortable, it’s a set up.
Be the person you wished to see when you were a child. Imagine, create, then act on it. Travel with grace and follow the footsteps of your dreams.
I’m sorry for your loss! Powerful words that express such emotions when said as comfort.
I sat and start glancing over all the cards people wrote. Why must we go through a situation that is never planned yet we plan for everyday life.
I can close my eyes and still see him. I see him as a soul who reached out to save me from my own darkness. He was never afraid.
After him leaving us, our world appears to be filled with gloomy clouds and endless days of isolation. We all have our own way of holding up. A fake smile, laughter to keep us from crumbling and hidden tears left behind in the car.
If heaven could open up so we could see him again. I’d be the first one to never return.
Time doesn't seem to stop in this unreality I live in. I try to hold on. The path isn’t clear and there seems to be storms heading my way. Dark storms with forceful winds. They appear to be taking out everyone and everything. How do I get past it without having to open my eyes? I’ve battled worse before and came out with a few scars.
I recognize the tricks my ego is playing. It tells me this isn't for me. I'm not made for this. It is so powerful and I stand there in the middle of the chaos. I refuse to open my eyes. For if I do, I may see the reality I choose not to accept.
No distractions from the outside world, it's merely a wondering soul searching for that someone who is no longer h...
Not everyone knows her story or knows who she is. She bleeds like everyone else. She understands there is a purpose for her mission. But from her experiences she can say she is beyond repair. She is barely holding up some days.
She walks and talks like she is ok but deep down inside she sometimes wishes to take her last breath.
She comprehends she was a creation from the heavens and her journey would be filled with teachings. Having said that, she is exhausted. Her mind seems to diminish her thoughts of hope bit by bit.
Others will never understand what losing the most important part of her life felt like. It is to the point where she loses sleep, eating habits all over the place, her ...
You will meet so many travelers on your journey. But there will only be a few that were meant to ride this journey out with you. Once there presence is gone, life becomes a mystery. A mystery full of questions.
Stops are missed on the journey simply because every moment that was created, there was a part of them left behind. Things never get easier. Words start to fade, life becomes a blur, and your soul is stuck in the past. Do I miss someone who picked up after my every disaster? Of course, always.
He never lets me forget him. The signs are in every foot step I make.