|I have a head full of buzzing noises, and this, here is my outlet.|
I haven’t slept in two days.
Time and again, the word ‘rape’ keeps me mortified.
Tears of rage, of protest, of silent cries fuel my days and nights that I spend constantly questioning, do I exist only to be devoured by men who lust for my breasts, and insert those penises into my vagina again and again and again, when I scream, cry, shout ?
It stops for a split moment,
They want to fuck me again. Everything hurts. I try, I try to resist, fight, scream, but my voice doesn’t reach out.
It happens again, by another man.
He pushes himself onto me, I shut my eyes and think, is this my last day to live, is this how I die ? The pain, I can take no more, I don’t want to live anymore. Its too muc...
In other news :
Today I was casually scrolling through the Facebook news feed, and I see pictures of a couple I knew of, since school days. I see pictures of them getting engaged. They used to be great friends, to be found together mostly in all cultural events.
It warmed my heart to a degree, that reassured me, if in all this world, there is despair, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, there is love too. Love, that fulfills the promise of being together and saying “I do, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sadness”
Amidst relationships that shuttlecock between to be or not to be, these two just waltzed through, knowing they are right, somehow this is it. Ah, young love !
I celebrate sile...
I stand alone,
Taking a step with thoughts clouding my head;
Muffled voices say “ i’m right here” “dont you worry babe”
“Hey, you’re not alone”..
Why then, am I walking up all by myself ? Where are the people whose voices ring in my ears ? Why do they say that when they don’t mean it ?
I don’t know what am I going to do.
Standing there, listening to voices in my head, feeling trapped for no good reason.. I look around and see no one. I’ve reached the last staircase.. Do I jump, or retreat ?
Who am I ?
The person who tries to push herself to socialise even after knowing quite well, the gathering will only bore her to the core. She decides to do it, only to see how the world around is circling around.
The person who'll chose a dance club and dance out loud in the crowd, cheering at the top of her voice until she's drenched and exhausted, take a few drinks and see how everything feels much lighter.
The person who loves a classical music concert because it connects with her soul, and she closes her eyes trying to take it every little detail.
The person shutting people out, staying behind closed doors, thinking and overthinking until it tires her down.
The person to whom trave...
More often than not, the dreams we chose to dream are a result of our own experiences or as in my case, a dream my father saw for me. I always had the option, to not take that course, follow another lead, one of my own; but I never had anything better, or even if I did, I was not sure enough it would take me where I saw myself. More importantly I could not stand up stubborn and headfast for what I wished upon.
The next best thing was to see the dream Dad saw for me. I believe in him, if not in myself. I was sure, if he thought I could, I sure would. As it so happened, until that time, I had rarely disappointed my parents.
When the reality struck, with the course and subject load being dif...
A drowning feeling of tumult often pushes me to a low. When I sink, you become the Carpathia to my Titanic. The chosen words that escape your lips are my comfort. What would I do without you ? You have a way of bringing me up from the water, reminding me again that its not to drown do I want.
You're the cashmere sweater I snugly wiggle into, on cold days. Always.
Often, the heart wants to reach out to a person it knows needs to be helped. Even if it is a silent cry; but how do you help someone if your extension of hand is unacknowledged ? Do you leave ? Are you ready to be asked, "I did not want help, go away". How would you react to a helpless lash out that can break a piece of you ?
She waits. Even if there is no voice from the other side, seeking help. Sometimes, knowing you did everything you could, right and the satisfaction that you did not leave the other person alone and suffered along them, while their ego took over the need to shout out for a hand that saves them from drowning, is your best shot.
If they can move the veil of ego and look be...
You know I was thinking, drop the self loathing. Its always better to find those bits of your life that give you thrills; in whatever circumstance you are right now. Its what will have you going. The thrills from your work. When it makes you feel ecstatic and joyful, you feel the urge to do more, give in more, and the results that come of it are naturally better and positive than before. That definitely should make you proud. When you become proud of something that makes you, it strengthens you. Let it. They say, its the journey that is important and I think now I know why. May be passion isn't something that comes like an epiphany. May be, you find it while surfing the waves in life. ...
Tell me the most happening place !
You say a night club.
I say, another chance, guess again.
You say, L.A.
No love. Its the world our minds live. There's duality. There's struggle, motivation, a force dragging me down, yet a hope to conquer my demons and walk through the dark alleys hoping to see light.
There's me, and there is another world, an illusion .
On days like those, she practically lost her head. She had hypothetical conversations playing, while she barely tried to speak. She would speak one sentence and the voice in her mind would counter. It was tiresome to talk to someone. She often thought she had an ailing brain, that suffered from the constant need of saying just the opposite of what she said. It was as though, she was on war against herself on every point. If she tried to close her eyes, and doze off to feel better, the incessant nagging about the things she had left to do, both of consequence and not, began playing. There were times, she broke down, and just said, "please stop. I can't take it anymore."
Admiring the blazing orange skyline,
I look up at the the colour of my rage.
Chained in a room with four walls and being given all amenities possible, to do what I am meant to do, my thoughts wander off to the setting sun. In ages, I notice the effect that nature has on me.
I take a deep breath, and gather myself, for it is the only right thing to do. I remind myself, I have a battle to fight and to win, even if sometimes I crumble inside to the surmounting pressure. I do not know the way out. I am a wanderer in the valleys of this unknown journey. I have in mind, the destination, the paths to which require sacrifices I never thought I could make. Surprising, how life moulds a person. At dus...
"The fault, dear Brutus,
is not in our stars.
Its in ourselves, that we are underlings"
She read the lines again ; something inside her moved, the courage to do what was not done before, and to start afresh resurfaced. She took shelter in those old books, when the tides hit her shores hard.
I live in a generation where 'Seven things that say the boyfriend is for keeps' or 'ten things to do before you commit' determines whether a relationship shall last. The new trend being, "Take a trip with him to know if you can spend your lives together". What if, I can't ? What if, I know my man for a long time now and I know I can take his bad moods or we might have a few rows and I am okay with it. I don't think we really need trips or checklists to tell us if a person we love is the one we think we can spend a lifetime with.
He may not be a fascimile for the traits mentioned in these articles. How is it even a benchmark ? If real people are judged by standards set by articles written, ...
The last time I saw Richard.
"It was a day before the news spread like wildfire. He was wearing the usual black tux, the bowtie stuck right below his collar, the hat sat incorrigibly straight. Something about his demeanour was unsettling, that evening. The day was sultry, giving way to an exhausted Richard heading to the nearby pub for a drink. You'd never see him drink with another. Many a time I suspected he was a loner or may be an observant man on duty hunting clues for his clients. He looked spent. I was his bartender that evening. He asked for his regular, and sat there downing his glass when a lady came in asking for him. She was one desirable woman in a black dress, her eyes searchi...
Thoughts at my friend's wedding.
A friend getting married can send you on a roller coaster trip back down the memory lane. It sure is nostalgic. Specially when the friend is one who've spent about ten years now, and who has just been one call away.
The longest time that you've known them replays in your head. I mull over thoughts, about how she might not be there the next time there is an outing planned, or the next time I want a night out from the usual, and we have to ask her husband and not her mom. My mind is a mixture of joy and a sinking feeling, and I don't know why it can't be just the joy of watching her climb the steps of the altar, where the husband awaits her, to steal her away. ...
At 18, finding a love that lasts for a lifetime is difficult to find. Now at 24, I am lucky when it has come to relationships. Fortunately, I have had just one. Yes, one. I am scared when it comes to making it official, plagued with this superstition that the more people have a peek into your personal life, the more attention you attract, and become a magnet to the vibes they emit. Its the negative ones that upset me.
Talking of this love ( the one that lasts a lifetime) I found it. I fell hard, fast and irrevocably in love with my best friend in higher secondary school year. Now its been seven long years since we passed out, and even now, its just him that makes me melt. We have shared our...
A girl's perspective.
You dont go out seeking for men, and put a tick on your checklist, see if he scores a 8/10, evauluating him by the standards, the high society set for you to follow and then say you're in love. It's not only the degree he gets in law, finance, banking, medicine, technology, or whatever fancy degree they say it is, that defines him. It's not the rich parents he has, that vouch for his guaranteed financial status in life. It's not the expensive things he says he'd buy you, or the places he promises he'll take you on holidays, that define him as a person. It's when you're at a low and he is with you trying everything in his imagination to make it a tad bit better for you, ...
My dearest Boo,
I hope I can call you that,it makes me feel closer to you .:)
Just a few hours as we step into a new year ,end of a whole journey of 365 days .It had been a happy year for me even with the disappointments .I can say I have started living life again ..and I would thank you with all my heart for the day you came to visit me ,patiently heard mom's stories and wiped the tears .
That day and this day,I say I have started living again..loving again .You even though in the backdrop or in the silence play an inevitable part in my life and your absence wont affect it in any way because I feel connections of the heart are way to difficult to break .
I pray for all the succes...
It's time for another mark of time, time to begin afresh and 'trust the magic of new beginnings'.
When I look back at my school days, I remember the new year greeting cards that I received, on the first day after school re-opened. I've managed to store quite a few of them in my box of memories.
Then, the digital world took over and we had Facebook status updates substituting the personalised greetings which bore names, and the effort that went into choosing one card that would suit your friend, best. How one spent hours in the cards shop, hunting through heaps of greetings, reading and re-reading what was written in them before one selected it ! It was sweet pain !
The digital generation ...
For the love of food.
There are those who go to a restaurant and eat their 'usual' almost all the time they venture out.
Then, there are those, who go places, try new cuisines, experiment with new things on the menu.
I belong to the list of the second. We eat, relish, savour the flavours with our eyes closed, registering how it satiates our culinary senses, try to figure out in our minds, flavours of the elements, and save how we loved them in our minds, so next time we want to not experiment with places and have something "nice", we know we have a safe place to go to, our tummies, awaiting the aroma of the dish, and rumbling inside, as if asking, "when are you going to get that right in ?"...
December has, since a couple of years been my favourite month. I was in a different place then, and until then December didn't mean that much, apart from the cakes and food goodies that came with all my Christian friends and acquaintances. Of course, the week from 20th onwards meant socialising, but I never did it with all my heart.
Something about the windy stealthy winter now brightens me up. I remember the beautifully lit up Park street in Kolkata, how I sniffed the warm essence of cakes and bakes while crossing paths at a bakery, how magical it really was.
Quite recently I have started counting my blessings everyday, so it helps me sail through the stormiest of days . I have thought ov...
The world, on occasions more than I can quote, joined hands in prayers when terrorism waged war against humanism. We rejoiced while watching the Olympic games together, residing in so many different parts of this planet. We applauded the victory, felt sorry for the beaten, and encouraged them for the next journey.
The world, on 9/11/16, was shaken, taken aback at Trump being the President elect of The U.S.A.
When, Mother Teresa was canonised a saint, we prayed silently, with a heart full of gratitude, and an inexplicable emotion, for the soul she was ! Some things are better illustrated by real instances from life, so is the invisible bond that connects humans all over the world. We stand t...
The sooner she learnt,
that even when alone,
she was strong,
strong enough to take on the world,
the better she would live.
Life takes drastic turns.
It's almost like a splash of ice cold water thrown at your face and you stand there with glassy eyes, unable to comprehend what just happened.
How do you stay in a place, even if you call the place your home, when the last ray of sunlight of your existence is snatched away ? What is a town without your closest friends ? You can't be happier for them when they find their opportunities calling, but there is a sudden realisation that you're going to be left alone. You dont know whether to smile or get angry with them. They have to go, eventually everyone does. There is nothing you can do about it. Their memories haunt every place you try to go to, alone, and you end u...
There are these 'nothings' to write about, when you spend your days of leisure basking in the glory of those nothings, because other days are as busy as everything that runs the world, work, call of duty, elements of worry, the harbingers of stress, and amidst this, life must go on. So I find my days and hold in to them for peace. Winter is here. My favourite nights, the cold windy ones. We have in our minds, the idea of a perfect moment; scenes from movies clouding our minds so dark, that we hardly believe that our perfect moment is happening right here. Now.
These are my nothings. These sweet days when I have the desire to laze around and can afford to do so. I'll speak of one such event t...
I wish I were a witch. One like Hermione. Wait, didn't Lewis Carroll say, "everyone wants things to happen magically, but they don't believe in magic", which goes to say, we are all witches and wizards in this world. Saying that, I want to cast a spell : Piertotum Locomotor and bring to life these amazing fur babies we have spent our childhood, holding them like our sanity depended on them. We used to sleep on them ( some of us still do), cry on them and they'd soak it up. How full of light our world would be, with our favourite teddy bears walking along !
We were taught being kids, that motion is relative, that it was motion always in terms of the person static in one position viewing the object moving.
I should have learnt, that these lessons even apply to real life, and that, watching or comparing my life to someone I barely know, admiring how glamorous or interesting their lives are, while demeaning mine, is only one way of looking at it. I should have learnt that this person's life was in motion because only I decided to be a spectator.
Sometimes lessons learnt in childhood should be held on to, like multiplication tables, like twinkle twinkle little star. I wish I had learnt to believe more in myself than being worried about what the wo...
This perhaps is going to be a letter I have had to think over and write, for writing to me generally is in the spur of the moment.
It's like an idea that suddenly strikes you at any moment of the day or night, or a scene from your every day life, and you want to do something to remember the whole thing. Painters paint, photographers take pictures, while we write. A few months back, lenovo had this ad, #wethedoers. See, I can even trail off and gladly come back, saying that I did.
What do you do when you want to have a circle of people who you know you can be yourself with, reveal that side of you which is most precious, and not be judged even if you aren't as good as others are, those peopl...
Cést la vie
I have the flowers you gave me tucked inside the box carefully. They've dried. The essence is long gone. The sheet of plastic you used to wrap them, has loosened it's grip.
When I see them, the colour of reddish black, the hue of dried blood on a sheet of paper, the picture of them when you gave it to me, flashes across. I wanted to preserve them fresh. No man before you ever gave me flowers. I was taken by surprise when you brought them. Like joys are, short lived and fleeting, the beauty of flowers wanes the moment they are plucked.
Like all things that have life, perish, they did too. Everything that has life, that was once young will become senile. They have to give way fo...